Husband scanning other women

[Biscuit87]

I have witnessed my husband on several occasions (scanning i think the term is) looking at other women.
So if I say I saw him he just says he wasn't, he completely denies it, even though he saw me clocking him.
I tell him it makes me feel inadequate and unattractive, he rarely pays me a compliment these days, he says I am being daft and gets a bit exasperated at the fact i am calling him out on it, so these days I don't, in fact it makes me not want to go out for a drink with him because I am watching him do it.
He's going to the races with a load of men in a couple of weeks and I know he will literally have a field day, nothing I can do about it but it just pisses me off.

If it's any consolation, they all do it, pretty much. I know there's always someone who says that her Derek doesn't of course. Some of them are much better at hiding it than others.
I'd be more annoyed at the lack of compliments because it shows he doesn't have your wellbeing at heart. It doesn't take much to give someone a compliment if they've done something great or if they look nice, does it.

But actually that is the thing, maybe all men look, its natural to look at attractive people.

But to openly stare or just a quick look is the difference.

I think the fact he doesn't make you feel valued and appreciated as his wife is the issue.

No it doesn't, and he calls me gorgeous occasionally but I think it's just a remark that he uses with a lot of women, like I was on teams and he called it to my friend...

Honestly this would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. It's natural to notice attractive people, but obvious lingering stares are disrespectful to you, and probably make the women he's ogling really uncomfortable.

A lot of men do this because they know they can get away with it. It can't really be proved. You can call them out on it but they can just say "no I wasn't" and that's that. So whilst it may sound extreme to suggest leaving over him looking at other women, you really only have two options, accept it or leave.

This might sound stupid but what makes us feel valued?
Like he always thanks me for tea I've cooked etc and he always makes me a cuppa in the morning so that's nice..

I agree it's very disrespectful and it does bother me but I can't say if leave him over it.

I agree that they all do it and some hide it better, or have exes who have been angered by it so they've learnt to hide it at any rate!

I think he has probably always done this and something has changed for you to start noticing. Has anything happened that made you feel low recently? Or is he having issues at work that might make him feel he needs to do "manly" stuff to regain power? It feels like something has gone off kilter to trigger either you noticing or him being more overt.

its horrible isnt it. I think in many/most cases it doesn't actually mean anything to them its a 'ooh she's stunning' and the next minute 'what on earth is Gareth Southgate up to' but to us as partners/women it means so much to literally be sitting next to your partner and them oogling other women. I long to feel more secure and less insecure about how I look but it wouldnt make any difference.

Maybe they need some subtly lessons....

I'm sure his ex wife berated him for it, though he wouldn't say as much.
No, it's just we went out this weekend and I could see it happening just got to me a bit but it's pointless bringing it up as someone already said it's hard to prove.

So I tried the same myself, to see his reaction, I said the guy over there has amazing hair (he has none) and he laughed out loud.

Yes, I've been in the same situation and it really wears you down and makes you feel worthless.

I was just wondering why you've noticed it (as he has probably always done it) or whether he has previously hidden it better and is now almost using it to make you feel less than?

It won't hit the same sadly as you won't do it 24/7 and disengage from conversation while you do it (you literally told him you were doing it and had to because men tend not to actually notice subtle behaviours at all)

In fairness this seems different to what he's doing. If my DP pointed to a woman and said "she's got flawless skin" (knowing mine is bad) I'd be unhappy.

Looking isn't bad, the problem is that he's openly staring instead of paying attention to you, and objectifying these random women in the process. Also that he's not showing you in other ways that you are loved.

Most of us look at attractive people of the sex we're attracted to.

There is, however, a big difference between looking/flicking our eyes over ... And sustained looking/lingering looking/gawping etc. to the point that it's very noticeable to your partner.

I have been with men who do the latter and men who don't.

I wouldn't say the men who don't are really exceptional. So it's not an "they all do it" situation.

It's an unpleasant, uncomfortable experience with the ones who do.

I understand you don't want to leave a marriage over it, but did he not it before?
If you got into a serious relationship and got married etc knowing he did it, well ....

I don’t agree all men do it, no more than I’d say people do it in general.

However, what you’re describing is stray sexual energy. He actively strays, checks out women openly and I bet any money tries to make eye contact with them!
I find it shocking how many men (only because I’m a woman, I’m sure women do it too) will try and make eye contact with me, whilst being there with their partner.
it stems from insecurity I presume, they need that reassurance that if this relationship goes wrong they’re still attractive.

The first sign of someone having stray sexual energy is a huge red flag for me, and I wouldn’t and couldn’t be in a relationship with them, as I know that’s my boundary, but I can see why if you’ve been together years it may not be a deal breaker.

Id try explaining how hurtful it is and how much it knocks your confidence. Remind him, he shouldn’t be hunting / checking out other people and to rein in his stray sexual energy!

he called it to my friend...
That's not on.

That is exactly it - the eye contact! I am terrible at eye contact and really notice if my partner is going out of their way to try to engage in it with other women - tbf I'm not impressed by women that do it back with a smile and smirk in my direction either (one woman I vividly remember).

It is a warning that they are thinking of straying in my opinion. I think you need to figure out what has changed either with you or him and work on it.

I would add that I think many women do this but are usually much faster and therefore more subtle at doing it than many men.

There are men who can have the awareness and sense to keep a lid on it, and not make it too obvious .... When you with one who doesn't, as I said, it's an uncomfortable & unpleasant experience.

I briefly dated a guy once who was a gawker. I didn't even end the fledging relationship, to my embarrassment, he did..
It was so noticeable that one woman he did it to looked at me in kind of curiosity, discomfort and embarrassment.

He was open to getting back together with me a while later, but I was not single and I am so glad that it didn't work out, because that aspect of his behaviour was cringe inducing and very uncomfortable.

The irony is that I genuinely believe he has never and would never cheat, his values etc were very straightforward, traditional and he is quite religious. I could say hand on heart I don't think he would ever cheat on his now wife .. but the gawking at women ..... Just uugh.

I hate this. According to my elderly mother even my late father, who was a gentle man and adored her, taking care of her every whim, did it. It’s unfathomable to me. My 24 year old son doesn’t though - he could have women rubbing up against him and he’d only have eyes for his gf. I’ve had to come to terms over the years that it’s just something most men do. And it doesn’t really mean anything. They are driven by their hormones in the same way we are - it’s very powerful. It doesn’t feel nice when you clock them doing it though.

Of course men notice attractive women but most men do not make it obvious, especially to their wife or partner. Because they respect them.

Making it obvious, staring at other women is disrespectful to the woman being objectified and to their wife or partner. It is a form of keeping their partner in their place. It is humiliation of their partner, making them feel they are not good enough and second best.

OP has an idea of how he behaves when he is with his pals. No doubt he mixes with men who behave the same as him. The thought of a bunch of guys at the races ogling up all the women as though they are on the same level as the horses turns my stomach.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with some one like this but if OP feels she has no option but to stay in the relationship she will need to just accept that is who he is and that is how he behaves. Because he will not change.

Yeah, that sounds inappropriate.

You don't call you'd wife's mates gorgeous to their faces, it would probably give them the impression you fancy them.

He's clever how he does it, never blatantly but I know him well so I can tell exactly, the way he moves his head but not eyes for a start, probably thinks I can't tell but I can.
It's hurtful and knocks my already dented confidence yet he thinks because I don't notice it's ok. Even if I did say he's going to carry on, leopard, spots etc.
I just think if I'm going to tolerate this I need strategies to cope.

They all do it....and all woman do it, even you! You cannot go throughout your whole life not finding other people attractive.
All I can say is the longer you've been together the less you will care. You will one day be 40 or 50 or 70 and people younger than you will look better....so you just need to make sure you found a best friend to live tour life with than just a sexual partner for their looks.

I'll always care I'm not exactly a spring chicken it's still upsetting even after all those years together.