Husband scanning other women

[Biscuit87]

I have witnessed my husband on several occasions (scanning i think the term is) looking at other women.
So if I say I saw him he just says he wasn't, he completely denies it, even though he saw me clocking him.
I tell him it makes me feel inadequate and unattractive, he rarely pays me a compliment these days, he says I am being daft and gets a bit exasperated at the fact i am calling him out on it, so these days I don't, in fact it makes me not want to go out for a drink with him because I am watching him do it.
He's going to the races with a load of men in a couple of weeks and I know he will literally have a field day, nothing I can do about it but it just pisses me off.

For starters you don't want to check his internet history - ever.

Actually you know what, this kind of thing is largely why I stay single. The emotional energy and pain the thoughtlessness perpetuates wasn't worth it for me. I'd say grow apart in what ever way you can to build strength to leave, then you'll never have to put up with this again.
Possibly a bit drastic but the only thing I can guarantee that works!

It feels disrespectful to both you and the person he's ogling!
If someone, usually female, is dressed in bright or skimpy clothes, or has big or bright hair/makeup, I think it's natural for both sexes to notice the person, purely as it's a performative way often to dress. But it shouldn't be done in a sexual way. He should at least refrain from doing it when he's with you. But I fear he may not feel the need to change.

You do.

You first value yourself. From then on the you share mutual value with the people your allow in your life.

Also, actions speak louder than words. The way you feel about your husbands behavior is telling you something.

There's a difference between glancing and ogling, in my opinion. I think it's perfectly natural to glance if a beautiful person walks past. If a very attractive man walks in to a cafe I will most definitely have a quick glance. I would never dream of sitting there staring at him though, That would be disrespectful to DH and unpleasant for the man.
If your DH has a half a second glance I personally wouldn't mind. If he's constantly staring at and ogling women then that's different.

That’s the thing. I catch myself observing handsome men and women very often. But no intention to act on it (on men I mean. Female beauty I just admire).
Re younger people looking better, I am not sure this is always the case to be honest. I have seen older people who are way more attractive than younger. Men and women. I have been out with much younger female friends and on many occasions men their age hit on me rather than them (I do look younger tbf and they couldn’t imagine I m 46 but still).

Strategies to cope:

Call him out on it, not loudly or embarrassingly just between yourselves, oi letch are you listening or oogling? Let me know when you are finished

Letch, to me, she's far too young you know

Hey letch close your mouth it's obvious yeah

Ok letch (as you go into the pub) want to check out the woman first so we don't have to go through each one individually during the whole drink

I mean you talk like he is god's gift OP, so I am expecting what something like a George Clooney type.

You could calmly say, you know women don't really like older creeps letching at them.

Failing that take a book and every time he stares continue reading saying let me know when you are finished.

Basically don't get wound up, call it out every time for the entitled, Percy, creepy, letching behaviour it is.

And no not all men do it. Not by a long shot.

Why do you say you're no spring chicken, like he is?

You're around the same age, ard you not? So why does being no spring chicken matter?

I'm sorry. My ex used to do this. A real hard scan not just a glance. It's horrible and makes you feel horrible.

My advice If your not going to leave tell him to stop eye fucking women give him a firm talking too as how it makes you feel - firmly - basically a you stop this and sort yourself out or I'm leaving talk. If he doesn't stop you have to protect your own self esteem and mental health and actually leave. You deserve better than this.

I did, soon after he divorced my mum. It was twenty years ago and it still makes my skin crawl thinking about it 🤢

Is it a good relationship OP? Usually men of this sort are bad in other ways. My STBXH did this too but it was part of a wider pattern of behaviour that stemmed from sexism/misogyny/creepyitis

Yes, can almost guarantee what sort of content this guy is following and looking at on Instagram and other social media too.

Nah wouldn't be for me. We all notice people, both unattractive and attractive, male and female. But perving, sexualising, staring etc is wrong and no they don't all do it as I've had relationships with some of the good ones. Believe me I know all the ways to find out, both in their online behaviour, outdoor behaviour with and without me. But yeah many are just animals.
I stand at my bus stop every day looking ordinary and most cars with men in turn to look, women just get on with driving. Hate feeling like prey.

You see, this is 'normal' behaviour for him, he doesn't realise he's doing it because it's all he's ever done I suppose.
Pointing it out makes me appear jealous and needy in his eyes, even though I've said it's disrespectful and demeaning to me. He can't seem to stop doing it, he thinks I don't notice...but I do.
He's not going to change now so I either turn a blind eye or leave.