Perimenopause making me frustrated and irritated by DP intelligence

[Itshouldntmattertome]

I feel like such a bitch.

DP is lovely and kind. We’ve been together for 30 years . I’m 46. Perimenopause has hit me hard. Have 2 teenage boys 13 and 15.

Hes a good partner, a great dad, helpful and kind and hard working in a job that is physically demanding with long hours and he still shows up for and is present in day to day running of the house stuff . Since Peri started im just constantly irritated by him because I’ve realised I can’t even have a conversation with him, and I don’t know why I’m surprised as I’ve always known we had very different backgrounds and education etc and suddenly I’m craving intelligent conversation and interaction and I get nothing. He hasn’t changed and this didn’t bother me before as I saw all the above good points and a good heart and nothing else and suddenly I’m just irritated by everything he does.

My gp recommended self referring to counselling therapy when I went to ask about blood tests and HRT. I’m so sure it’s my hormones and it’s going to end my marriage as daily I want to just walk out and leave him. I’m ashamed that the other day I just thought ‘I don’t even want to look at him he’s so stupid’ and that’s not really me if that makes sense ?

My god you sound so bored. Not just by your husband but in general. What's the rest of your life like? Work, for example?

Something I think that is another factor is that we no longer have shared hobbies. We always did a lot of sports (bike rides , gym, runs) together but after our wedding 2 years ago I just put on a load of weight and haven’t been able to shift it and found exercise harder due to feeling exhausted (in hindsight I think this was the start of peri) and I think losing those shared interests that didn’t require conversation as such has affected us

I am bored. Bored and lonely. I feel permanently exhausted and drained. I do love my job as I get to have interactions with other adults but that is then I think highlighting to me even more how I can’t have these interesting conversations at home . It’s PT but sometimes I think I’ll go FT again for some mental stimulation. I feel like such a horrible person feeling this way

Another thing I’ve developed is not being able to tolerate the sound of people eating. I don’t even think my sons are particularly noisy eaters but when we all sit down to dinner I feel like walking away as the sound of 3 of them all eating is like nails on a chalkboard . I feel like perimenopause is just constant pmt

Then go FT. It would be silly to claim that it will be a panacea but it will obviously improve matters for you. Also you're being bored is boring for everyone else, including your children.

Omg you are not alone in this! Try hrt - for the hearing thing and general get up and go. Irritating husband yes that’s normal too as our oestrogen falls we lose our ‘rose-tinted’ glasses. More work isn’t necessarily the answer as that’s tiring - how about writing a list of stuff you really want to do and that will bring more chatty people into your life. Find exercise you enjoy - doesn’t have to be with him but could

Do you want to stay married? If so, I’d think about where you can get your need for intelligent conversation met elsewhere — friends? Family?

It would be a deal-breaker for me, but I rank ‘clever’ far above ‘kind’, plus you seem to have been happy enough with him for decades?

Also play music at meal times!

It seems weird as before when I was fitter I kept my body really active and then I didn’t feel I needed this level of mental stimulation? But since not be physically ok it’s as if my mind now needs more in the form of conversation etc

I’m so glad you’ve said that as I was feeling like an awful person and shallow to be thinking these thoughts but I’m glad I’m not alone feeling like cleverness is important

You need a lot more stimulation in your life. I agree, you're bored and you're projecting your allround lack of stimulation and excitement on your husband. You need hobbies (even without him), you need friends, you need to be going out and doing things you enjoy. You need to find people who challenge you. You can't ask your husband to fulfill each and every single one of your social needs. He's there for you in so many ways, but it's not his fault that he can't be there in every way. I'm sure you aren't for him either. You need to surround yourself with other people too.

Maybe you need to restart exercise? I’m in peri, and some days the only thing that lifts my mood is a long walk, a good go on the exercise bike or a PT session.

Also, go back and demand your HRT. Go private if you can afford it.

Sympathies. It’s very hard when your hormones get you like this. I had a t-shirt made that says ‘Feral Witch’ on it, because if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry or murder someone.

That’s how I feel ! Feral ! My tolerance for everything is non existent. I will try to see a different gp or look into private appointments as I’m so sure this is hormonal

You have been with your husband a long time and been happy, and whilst intelligent conversation would be important to me too, even if you had that, after a long time of conversations with one person I would think you need fresh conversations with other people, and fresh ideas.

You do sound like you need more in life in general
When we exercise our mind is calmed and a lot of tension dissipates. Also if you are not as fit as you were then your frustration and dissatisfaction levels will of course increase.

I would start with getting fit, change your diet towards the menopause guidelines. Take up an interest to mentally stimulate you - maybe a discussion or debating group? If you can financially manage only working part time you are in a great position to do extra things (depending on childcare).

And when you feel a bit fitter, take up the active hobbies with your husband again so you have shared interests and something to talk about.

The single world is absolutely no fun at all in mid life, so I really wouldn't start thinking the grass is greener - it rarely is. Work on your own happiness and health and the rest will hopefully follow.
Hope that helps.

I swing wildly from thinking dh is an Adonis to wondering what on earth I was thinking getting together with him and plotting our divorce.

Hrt will help but exercise is really, really important - not just the cardio, but also stretching and above all strengthening. Don't focus on your weight or shape - our bodies will hold onto fat to the bitter end because it contains some oestrogen stores - but prioritise exercise for health, longevity and well being. If you only get out for a walk every day and do a few squats it would be a start.

Thankyou that is really really helpful

If you are 45 you don’t need hormone tests or to go private (are you uk?) - the NICE guidelines which the NHS follow, recommend hrt. You can Google them. If your gp needs a nudge tell them this or get a new gp

Following with interest as I am looking to keep up my exercise etc

Go into the office more, see friends more etc - no one person can be everything to you

Why would it be shallow to prioritise intelligence? But I’ve always prioritised it — DH, like me, has multiple postgraduate degrees and is well-read and well-informed on things that either match or sit adjacent to my own interests and work. But I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t.

Whereas you chose your DH on different grounds and the relationship worked for a long time. I’m a bit uneasy with the idea it’s ’just your hormones’, which is why I’m asking whether you want to stay married and find intellectual stimulation elsewhere, or not?

It is hard to separate menopause symptoms from the other “stuff” of life - so I can’t comment on the state of your relationship.But……

Forgot blood tests etc etc and just ask your GP for HRT to help you. I had what felt like an uncontrollable irritation/rage against my DH and DC - felt like I was fizzing with screaming levels of irritation - just wanted them to all fuck off and leave me alone. Also irrational amounts of acute anxiety over “nothing” (think freaking out at attending a routine work meeting).

Told my GP this and she immediately prescribed oestrogen gel - easy to use and you can ramp up or ramp down depending on how you get on with it. Has def taken the edge off - feel better in myself and more like me again.

And yes to exercise- whatever you find some joy in. Walking is so great and a good start. Please don’t suffer the symptoms- if your GP won’t help please find another GP in the practice who will

Forgot blood tests etc etc and just ask your GP for HRT to help you. I had what felt like an uncontrollable irritation/rage against my DH and DC - felt like I was fizzing with screaming levels of irritation - just wanted them to all fuck off and leave me alone. Also irrational amounts of acute anxiety over “nothing” (think freaking out at attending a routine work meeting).

Same. HRT has some side effects but at least I'm not a ball of rage any more. You may find it really helps.

You need to take oestrogen AND progesterone though to protect you. Not just oestrogen.

My DH used to drive me crazy before I went on HRT. I was just constantly irritated by him, things he'd say/not say, do/not do. The poor man couldn't do right for doing wrong. Nothing had changed, we've always had joint hobbies and enjoyed the same things but suddenly my tolerance was zero.
It was such a relief when I went on HRT and realized 'oh actually I do still like you'! I can honestly understand how marriages end in divorce around peri/menopause.
Since being on HRT things have more or less gone back to normal. Obviously HRT isint a cure all and we've both had to make adjustments as we evolve through life together but on the whole it's helped enormously.

Also pay attention to teaching your children not to be dullards. Insist on conversation at the dinner table. Proper conversation, about things going on in the world.

Hes a good partner, a great dad, helpful and kind and hard working in a job that is physically demanding with long hours and he still shows up for and is present in day to day running of the house stuff .
That is perfect when we are in prime mating years. Once the menopause starts t
we are no longer looking to procreate and our joint offspring is becoming more independent. Now you no longer need a mate to help raise these babies your hormones change, your rose tinted glasses fall off and you think wtaf, no wonder the female praying mantis eats her mate after sex. If you go on hrt you are getting the same hormones that help you keep the human race going, ie the rose tinted glasses go back on, you refall back in love and everything goes back to "normal". I always think the pre puberty and post menopause parts are the real you, the in-between bit is nature conning us.

This is your crossroads. If he's generally a good man with great family attributes then get on that hrt and refall in love so you overlook things that are lacking. If he's generally a waste of space then use that newfound grumpiness to find freedom.

I can't recommend this enough. Please check these guidelines, docs go by symptoms not blood tests by your age.
By all means, improve your diet, exercise etc, but bloody hell, HRT is a game changer. See if your docs have any docs that specialise in ladies problems. Good luck, you aren't alone in wanting to punch your partner.