He always has to remind me he can’t look at me

[Clearheartsandgreyflowers]

My (estranged) husband and I have a long messy history. He has done appalling things that I have not done. What I have done is talk (in non romantic or flirtatious ways) to another man at a large meal and once with a colleague in our home when my husband was awol. I know that second occasion was not ok and can’t be justified (even though nothing happened and I wouldn’t dream of anyway) We now no longer live together. We have children. I am trying to be ‘friends’ and basically not bring up the past (drug abuse, affairs/prostitutes, physical assaults, mismanagement of money etc) but he will regularly bring up and remind me how I disgraced myself as a woman and mother and how he can’t even look at me. I’m not sure how long I can keep hearing these things. I left him and moved away after one final event where he started to threaten to come to my work place (and ended up contacting the wife of a co worker he believed I was having or about to have an affair with-needless to say I was not) he had all the signs of someone having a psychotic break.
my struggle now is how to I move my life like this and what do I do with my kids? I know deep down he is not emotionally well but it just feels awful to be constantly told you have degraded yourself and someone you shared 20 years with can’t even look at you.

Is it correct that you no longer live with him? He doesn't have to agree to a divorce, you need to set it in motion. Stop wasting your energy on him - his opinions of you are completely batshit. Ignore him and put your energy in to caring for yourself and children. There is no chance he's ever going to see your pov.

Every time he says he can't look at you, just say 'good', in a flat bland voice, and move on.

Of course he won't divorce you! You are a great wife, he's a shitty excuse for a man who has managed to con someone for long enough to marry him.

Sex workers, drugs, financial and physical abuse! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
I agree with PP. Get a therapist and get angry. Doesn't matter what you did, nothing justifies what he has done to you.

There is absolutely wrong in talking to other people. Your colleague is just that, a colleague. As an adult you are entitled to have guests in your own home.

You don't need your ex to agree to a divorce. You just divorce him. It sounds as though you need some legal advice.

I just feel like if I didn’t do that last part about allowing my colleague into my home things would have not fallen apart.

Firstly, of course you can invite a male colleague into your home.

Secondly, if it did prompt the end of this relationship, that's a good thing. You might not feel that way now, but it really is. Prostitutes, drugs, assaults - you're much better off without him.

Absolutely.

Why would you even want him to look at you? You do not need the approval of someone you are no longer with. Stop trying to be 'friends' with someone who does not have a clue how to interact with another human being. And you can talk to whom you wish, in your home or elsewhere.

This is completely bonkers !

My best mate is away with work.. as is my husband.. (well not work as retired but on his boat )

Tonight best mates husband is coming over to watch the footie with me in our very remote house .. kids all grown ..

Does this mean we need an immediate divorce and I must don the sack cloth and ashes ??

Or could it possibly be that we both trust our partners and they trust us .. or are we inevitably going to shag the whole night long ???

Of COURSE people of opposite sexes can be friends . Stop being daft .

Your husband is a complete knob.
Just divorce him and have a normal life .