He always has to remind me he can’t look at me

[Clearheartsandgreyflowers]

My (estranged) husband and I have a long messy history. He has done appalling things that I have not done. What I have done is talk (in non romantic or flirtatious ways) to another man at a large meal and once with a colleague in our home when my husband was awol. I know that second occasion was not ok and can’t be justified (even though nothing happened and I wouldn’t dream of anyway) We now no longer live together. We have children. I am trying to be ‘friends’ and basically not bring up the past (drug abuse, affairs/prostitutes, physical assaults, mismanagement of money etc) but he will regularly bring up and remind me how I disgraced myself as a woman and mother and how he can’t even look at me. I’m not sure how long I can keep hearing these things. I left him and moved away after one final event where he started to threaten to come to my work place (and ended up contacting the wife of a co worker he believed I was having or about to have an affair with-needless to say I was not) he had all the signs of someone having a psychotic break.
my struggle now is how to I move my life like this and what do I do with my kids? I know deep down he is not emotionally well but it just feels awful to be constantly told you have degraded yourself and someone you shared 20 years with can’t even look at you.

I had a male colleague in the house on Saturday, and then gave him a lift home after dropping DH to work Sunday morning. I even hugged him and another male colleague when picking him up!!

Its sad that you’ve been conditioned to believe men and women can’t be friends and that you think having a male colleague in your home is inexcusable.

Just tell exDH to do one. He’s disgusting.

Are you crackers? You think that not allowing a male colleague in your house would have preserved your marriage to a financially incontinent drug addled wife beating prostitute-using thug? Righty ho then.

I can think of plenty of ways to justify you talking to a man in your own home. Especially if husband goes awol.

As everyone says, he's a scumbag who has got into your head. It sounds though as if you try to keep things friendly for the kids - not just for their peace of mind but also because you worry he will manipulate and lie to them about you.

Which is a real concern. Try to get absolutely all the advice and support you can get - free 30 min solicitor, citizens' advice, women's aid, police in case of more threats or assaults, mediator for the divorce.

'Grey rock' him. Boring, brief, factual resposes ad nothing else. Be prepared for him to get unpleasant anyway as he will experiece you not getting (visibly) upset at his reproaches as a loss of power over you.

Think of a brief, undramatic way to explain the divorce to you kids. And, please, divorce the prick. You deserve so much better.

How old are the children? Do you need to have any contact with him?

I do think the grey rock approach could be my best bet for the future. It’s just difficult it’s been my whole life and now I’m looking at a different future but just can’t break free. I had the chance but basically got back in contact and kind of let him in again. There is a pattern to his behaviour though he just seeks to dominate or alienate anyone he comes across. My kids are all under the teenage years.

Why keep quiet? Tell him he knows perfectly well that it is his activities that brought about the end of the marriage and you're not prepared to put up with this bollocks any more. Get a formal arrangement for the kids to visit him in place and simply hand them over at the door without any discussion. If he still brings up this nonsense, start reciting a list of what he did every time.

Oh my gosh, what are you doing? You need to become much more assertive and stop trying to be friends. He’s still abusing you. It’s fine to talk to man at an event or have one round to visit. You haven’t done anything wrong and you should not feel embarrassed or ashamed. Let him tell whoever he wants.

And fight back if you can. Say to him straight, ‘We split because you were paying people for sex, taking drugs, and hitting me. You don’t have the right to look at me. You dont have the right to tell me what to do. I can have 100 men in this house if I want. Now fuck off before I tell everyone what you’re really like.’

He's projecting.

He's the one who let everyone down as a no good husband and father.

It may be hard for you to move on and divorce him, if you're blaming his misogynistic harassment of you on psychosis, as a part of you feels like you're abandoning him in this state.

However there's nothing else you can do for him right now, and putting up with his abuse is only going to continue causing harm to you and your kids.

He won't divorce you?

But you'll be divorcing him so ...?

You only need to be separate for enough time. And you could claim that separation started before either of you moved out.

You should be communicating with him through a parenting a parenting or third party.

Anything not specifically related to your kids should he made clear to him will be reported for harassment.

I don't think I'd be able to resist making it clear that "your comments about me speaking to another man at a social l event and having a colleague in my home once are utterly laughable, given your infidelity, prostitute use, drug use and assaults on me".

Oh and personally I wouldn't divorce him based on separation, i'd divorce him on unreasonable behaviour with infidelity, drug use, physical abuse cited.

You don't need to prove infidelity cited under unreasonable behaviour.

Start the process yourself.

Your poor kids… brought up in the middle of this shit show. I dread to think what the model of marriage looks like in their heads.

Op why are you even bothering with this slime of a human being? He abused you and was the worst husband but now you’re fixating on two very tame and uneventful occasions where you were in the company of men. I could fill our entire house with men and my DH wouldn’t bat an eyelid. It’s care and love that matters.

This man does not care or love you. You’ve wasted enough of your life and your children’s lives on this evil prick. It doesn’t matter what he says to you or his opinion of you. He is nothing. Tell him to fuck off and never come back.

As far as I'm aware, it's no fault divorce now. You don't have to cite anything. Much easier.

What? What do you mean men and women can’t be friends? Is that something he’s told you? Of course men and women can be friends. I have loads of male friends, married and single.

I really don't think you did anything wrong, you can have a conversation in your house with a man who's not your husband, men and women can be friends

He's the one who's done wrong and he's trying to shift it onto you

You have done nothing wrong.

When people who's opinion I do not respect insult me it is very easy to ignore. I would be very hurt if someone decent said that about you, but not this man. Try and retrain yourself to think badly of him for being rude/nasty rather than being hurt at the irrational put downs of your ex.

Brilliantly put - especially the ‘you don’t have the right to look at me’ perfect 👌🏻👏🏻

OP, I would thoroughly recommend you ring Women's Aid and have a chat with a real life person. It sounds like you are starting to realise that lots of what you have been conditioned to believe is wrong, but the scales will fall from your eyes much quicker the more you let other people in. Keep posting on here, ring Women's Aid and get their perspective (I think it will help you to hear them confirm that he is abusive and you have done nothing wrong) and tell any trusted family or friends what's been going on.

What I have done is talk (in non romantic or flirtatious ways) to another man at a large meal and once with a colleague in our home when my husband was awol

None of this is wrong! He's obviously made you think it is.

If talking to a man in your house was what made this end thank God that happened. It was a much needed catalyst.
Now get back on the horse and cut communication. Email only, and only answer about DC's, block him on everythingelse. It's ludicrous the guilt you carry around, where was his guilt when he wash shagging others? Why have you seemingly adopted his idea that it's OK for him to do whatever, but you can't even talk to someone of the opposite sex. He's walking proof of the fact that the most jealous people, who make things up about others in there minds, are basing it on knowing what they get up to behind their partners back. They assume everyone must be up to what they are at. It's all BS, as is your assertion that men and women cannot be friends - is that his idea passed on? It's not true.
Doesn't want to look at you, we'll he's not worthy of laying eyes on you, and you certainly shouldn't have to see him in person. Do him and yourself a favour and don't see him, ever. If he has the DC's, can a family member drop them off for him?
You are being too passive. You don't need to wait for him to agree to divorce, you can do it, it's not up to him. Get a solicito ASAP and get it sorted.

@Clearheartsandgreyflowers

Of course men and women can be friends. For example, I had a close friend of my late wife to stay a couple of months ago. She stayed for three nights. One evening we sat and chatted while having a glass of wine. Not one person questioned why. Because there was nothing wrong with it. Another one visits me for a few hours while her husband is with his friends at a Curry House near to me.

You really need to git rid of this lying, deceitful, cheating low life who's dragging you down to depths which are not healthy for you.

Sooner rather than later.

I really appreciate the responses and I think my inner voice knows this is messed up-it’s just difficult hearing all the time my faults but never being able to actually shout and say hey! You’ve done x y and z. I think I’m also a bit upset at myself that I stayed through some absolute nightmares and now he can’t stand me for something that isn’t really anything at all-apparently I allowed someone the right to think something could happen with me however I do not accept that I’ve acted in that way. I’m cross at my self his words still carry so much weight with me I know it’s pathetic

He is an abusive insecure man that has manipulated you to think you have done something to hurt this marriage.

You haven't, nothing you have stated is wrong, nothing.

He however is not worth your time, attention or consideration.
He has treated you appallingly and you need to divorce him now.

Get yourself away from him, he is like poison and anything that comes put of his mouth is a lie or used to demean you, manipulate you all over again.

Stop talking to him, start the divorce now and get some good therapy started because he has worn you down and your mindset is not good.

Get yourself better.

Tell him to fuck off. Totally ignore everything he says. He's reflecting and projecting his guilt onto you. You have done nothing wrong!!