Feel like I've never found "my people"

[lavenderboux]

Just that really.
I've never had a real group of friends. I have made friendships over the years (education, workplace, hobbies) and I have about 3 people who I consider a true friend today, but I've never had a solid consistent bunch. Never had "the girls" or any kind of female tribe.
I've always eventually felt let down by previous friends as a result of being left out, lied to or walked over.
Feeling quite sad and lonely as I plan for my wedding and it's made me realise how lacking in friendships my life is. It is making me wonder if it's me/if I'm the issue.
I know it's quality over quantity, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking to get from this post, maybe to hear that it's possible to make some decent true friendships in adulthood and some tips of how to meet & make new friends?
I have a wonderful partner and a great family, but I do feel lonely outside of this :(

No advice, OP. I am in a similar boat. I have work friends but if I was to leave work we wouldn't keep in touch. I have one close friend who lives in a different country so can't hang out, go out etc.
In my case I am an introvent and in general I don't open up easily to people. I never had the 'tribe' either but I have been at the outskirts of one and seen how it can be. In this case the women were friends since they were 13-14 and their friendship still goes on strong in their 30s. They probably know pretty much everything about each other, they have gone through multiple boyfriends, heartbreaks, the working dramas, summer holidays etc etc, so they have a strong bond and history.
I feel that's more difficult to capture in an adulthood friendship (with exception perhaps university friendships).

Just wanted to reach out and say I am 100% in the same place. Believe some of it is my ADHD and my choice not to drink alcohol very often / at all.

I am 49 and found "my people" last year by starting a new hobby and they make me so happy so it's possible you just haven't found them yet

Many of us don’t have a ‘bunch’ or ‘the girls’ or whatever, and I think that’s fairly normal in adulthood if you don’t live in the same place as people you grew up with or went to uni with.

But you also say you have consistent feelings of being let down / left out / walked over / lied to in friendships - which makes me think there may also be an issue with expectations & communication.

Do you tend to go above & beyond in your friendships, and martyr yourself to people, and expect them to do the same for you? And then feel disappointed and betrayed/abandoned when they don’t? And then people start pulling away from you because it’s got too intense? And the ones who don’t pull away are the ones who are happy to benefit from you martyring yourself?

This is just a thought and might not be your situation at all. But it describes a pattern I notice in people who talk an about often being excluded or let down.

If this does sound familiar, though, maybe try offering less and expecting less. Understand that your relationship with every friend you have will be different - being ‘friends’ means different things at different life stages and for different people. Be genuinely interested in other people’s lives rather than invested.

Hugs op. Same here. Im 51. My neighbour was saying she ask a neighbour in had cakes got. Cancelled last min. People are flakes big time! I have met two nice friends thru walking and still see them. My teen was say people arent loyal now she finds same.

Coffee even nobody follows up plans or says I can do x date. Im kinda done with it all!

I think if you have 3 good friends, a great partner and family, you're doing well! Studies suggest the majority of people have between 1 and 4 close friends. Some people have lots of acquaintances, but I think having a big solid group of friends is quite rare. We were lied to by shows like Friends growing up. That type of friendship group setup isn't common at all.

I do know how you feel. I currently have 3 close friends as well, and not very many acquaintances. It does make me feel a bit shit sometimes that if I wanted to have a big birthday celebration, for example, with lots of people, I couldn't because I simply don't know that many people. I just have to remind myself that I'm lucky to have the friends I've got. And of course it's definitely still possible to make more friends in adulthood.

I’ve always struggled. There’s something about me people seem to avoid. But I’ve decided that though many people have this group of dependable long term supportive friends - the majority are actually more like me with one or two -and like me don’t have someone to go to the theatre with/ meet up for a coffee etc etc.
If you go into eg Starbucks there might be 4 tables with pair or groups of women (we have small Starbucks) - but think of the number who aren’t there -thousands of them - ok they might be working etc but I’m sure there are very many on their own -we are in fact the majority. So don’t let it get you down. I probably sound nuts but I think I have a point.

Maybe it’s not ‘never’, more of a ‘not yet’? How old are you? I’ve always felt like I’ve never found my people but just recently I know I’m on the cusp of it. I have a new group of people who I really gel with and very much on the same wavelength, hoping I can keep it going, they’re definitely ‘my people’ in the making.

I'm the same, I always feel the 3rd wheel in groups of 3, get excluded from things, feel like friends avoid me, i can't be doing with it, so I just back off.
I must be a weird/boring/horrible person as it always happens, I'd love to have lots of friends but it just never works out.

I have a lot of friends. And the majority of the friends I have, I met in my adult life, after the age of 25. I'm in my mid 30's now and I have good friends who I only met within the last year.

I don't drink alcohol and I don't have "the girls", but I find that a weird and cringey concept anyway. I have a community of very good friends. I feel very lucky, but it's not only luck - I behave in certain ways deliberately in order to make friends. I try to treat people well and respectfully, and show my genuine interest in them.

If you want to make friends, you have to put your feelers out, do things that interest you, and get involved in the life and communities around you.

You have to give more than you take, be outwardly empathetic, and have no expectations of others. Basically, be a nice person, be engaged in life, maybe get into some hobby groups, and friends will come your way.

I felt a bit like this when I got married, it was an odd time of my life. But during my thirties, my older friendships got much better and I made some new good friends through the kids.

Same here OP I have no one.

Bless you. I'm the same, I don't really have a group of friends and my wedding consisted of my husbands family, even my bridesmaids.. I was a bit sad. It was literally 100 of his family and 4 of mine that attended lol. Sometimes I wish I had friends and do seem to avoid Facebook after seeing everyone's pictures having a good time etc. (though good for them)!
I've been left out a lot over the years too. Even after expressing I'd love to do things/grab coffee with people. They always say yes but then cancel/make excuses.
I'm getting more content with it though. Less people, less drama! I'll stay in my bubble.

I’m the same. I think I’m always on the periphery. I live in a village now and while it’s a lovely community I think it makes it worse. I look at everyone and they are all so close and obviously in very frequent contact etc, I don’t have anyone like that. My lovely 5yo is also showing some signs of being ND and one of the signs is she just doesn’t interact with peers. So we never get asked for play dates (and when I’ve asked other mums for a play date to try and help build her social skill response was always non committal). Not surprising as she doesn’t really engage but it’s just another avenue that’s closed off and a reminder whenever I see the other kids and mums out and about together. Before this I have tried with many people to try and build better ties but while they are pleasant back it seems everyone already has their tribe and no need for me. I’m lucky that I have some hobbies I enjoy but they are solitary. No advice but you’re not alone! X

I can relate to this, high school / college friends were bitchy so moved on from that when moved away for uni. then thought i 'found' them at uni to only be let down by the lack of effort made following graduation. I now have 1-2 close friends made after uni and a group surrounding my hobby, mostly do hobby related things with. Uni friends are now a 'like' on facebook. Its sad but it is what it is - you can't hold on to people only enjoy them as your lives cross paths and wish them well when life moves in a different direction for them. I often wonder who my bridemaids will be or who I would have at a hen do, most likely I will keep things low key for this reason as I think it will make me feel bad at those close friendships Ive lost. thankfully I have a sister atleast. Partner has a solid group of friends who have been friends since school and remain close out socialising at pub once a week, play football together etc. so I can tag along to this though some of their school day references go straight over my head I love this for him

You're not alone there! I end up being the third wheel. I'm actually enjoying my own company now but I think that's through disappointment. I know it's not me though I'd do anything for a friend and I love a laugh. Unfortunately you are extremely lucky to have real friends.

Maybe one day eh 😊

I can relate to this as well. When I was young we always moved a lot, within the same country, but when I was 9 we started moving around the world. I went to so many different schools, both primary and high. Towards the end of my schooling I basically just gave up on trying to make close friends, as I knew we'd probably be moving again within 6 months. So I never really learned 'the knack' of making - and more importantly - keeping friends. My parents really didn't help, we weren't allowed to have friends around to the house and definitely no sleepovers, no meeting up with friends during school holidays, no extracurricular activities and no hobbies. Looking back, I honestly don't know why my parents were like this. I feel it really held myself and my two brothers back, we were all very emotionally immature because of it.

This has carried on into adult life. Like a previous poster, if I make friends at work, when I leave it's rare that the friendships continue. I only have one person I consider a close friend, and I don't actually get to see him that often. I have no close female friends, haven't since I was about 20 - I'm 55 now. I look at my partner, my ex husband, who have still got friends from when they met at the age of 4, at primary school, and that seems totally alien to me. I freely admit I'm jealous of it, as well.

I was diagnosed with agoraphobia a year ago, I rarely leave my flat nowadays. It's a real shame but I honestly don't know how to break out of it. Just know you aren't alone.

I just attract the wrong friends I'm same one day I might find my people but I actually enjoy my own company (it's come with age) . I'm lucky to have a nice husband and children so not completely alone. Would be nice to have more friends to have a coffee and chat with and not just to offload and leave ☕😂🙄

That must be tough 😔

Do you like hobbies? My friend joined a choir. I met 2 through walking hope meet her soon. I agree a 3 group can be tricky or one left out. Any friends through kids sports took ages to develop on for meetups its difficult agree

Naively I bought into the Friends ideal. I came down to London knowing no one, and felt ashamed of that rather than making an effort to make new friends. The friends I did make I always felt like I was secondary to their real friends (not true). I’m in the middle of trying to arrange a get together with some old friends - it’s really hard trying to arrange this. It would be so much easier to go down the local pub and there always being someone there that you could chat to. It’s not like that where I live. I would prefer a small group of local friends - a group you could just default to rather than having to make arrangements or open things up to everyone. The people with the close groups tend to be people who’ve not moved away or people from the same non-British nationality so they have that in common. I’ve got happier with my own company. I don’t really want to do a hobby as I want to have a chat rather than have to listen to instructions. Even if I volunteer I get the jobs that involve me standing around alone while another group get to do a shared task and have fun. I get lonely at times but also like having my own time. And I don’t get as many charity begging messages, birthday collections and “support my business” things now that I’m more socially isolated.

Gosh, it must have been so hard moving so much as a child.

I lost touch with my Uni friends too. I never thought that would happen. We all had a great laugh. I am only really friends with one still.

Well you have a partner?! So there are “your” people out there! Sometimes it takes until you’re older to find them