Husband raped me in front of my 3 year old (now ex husband) *** Warning: contains detail some may find upsetting***

[Forests90]

Hi
My now ex raped me..I would call this rape but he always plays it down and makes me feel like I'm over reacting...
He was trusted as a stepdad to my son..seemed lovely at the beginning.. typical narcissist..love bombing..then the mask drops.
I was pregnant with our baby girl ..first holiday abroad..with my 3 year old son..( not his biological son)

He was cold to me for the first 2 weeks..would shrug me off in bed even for a cuddle..made me feel unloved..I thought he didn't find me attractive anymore now I was pregnant
Then randomly..mid of the afternoon he was just cuddling me on the sofa /spooning ..with my 3 yr old son in the room on the sofa opposite us...he then proceeded to try a have sex with my son present!!
I felt sick I couldn't believe what he was doing..I told him to stop and get off numerous times but he wouldn't stop..he held me down with a cushion over to hide it..I froze as in my head I didn't want to get up in case my son saw his private and have a memory of what was actually going on...but he new I was scared and actually said 'stop doing that to my mummy'
It broke my heart...he finished quickly I got straight up and went to the kitchen and burst into tears..I felt sick that I was carrying his child and I'd been stupid enough to let a man like this into my son's life...it's every single mums worst nightmare..he laughed it off saying hes just passionate in the moment..I think it was sick and he raped me..and I'd even class it as child abuse...how can he even be in the mood with my child present watching..we have broke up and he's shown no interest in seeing the kids so far...should I report it as rape?..Im worried that marital rape is never believed and so hard to prove..but the fact it was In front of my son is even worse... luckily he doesn't seem to remember and he probably put it down to cuddling but it was clearly not right and I sobbed all holiday on the beach knowing I was carrying his child I felt trapped with him ..Im torn between not wanting to drag it all up for my son's sake of not knowing I'd rather him have no memory of it but also feel he has raped me and it keeps coming to the surface no matter how much I try to forget it happened.
I have left him and don't see him anymore but he has a habit of turning up when he needs something..he just uses people and cons everyone at first..burns his bridges and moves on to the next victim

Yes, it was rape, and it was child sexual abuse. I’m so sorry. What an evil man. If you’re in England or Wales it might help to talk this through with Rape Crisis https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

Do you have any friends or family to support you with this?

I'm so sorry that happened to you and your lovely son. What a horrible, horrible man. Yes it is rape and if you feel you want to report it you absolutely have the right to. 🫂

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP.

Marital rape is still rape and it was so wrong what he did.

perhaps you could try to access some therapy? There are lots of charities that you could reach out to and perhaps start to process what has happened. Talking will help. Then you can decide if you want to go to the police, which of course seems like the “obvious” thing to do, but it’s understandable that you might not feel strong enough for it.

sending you strength and positive thoughts

So sorry to hear this and well done for getting rid of such evilness. It was definitely rape. Can you move so he can't find you without real effort? Take some comfort in the fact your son was young and won't remember this. I can't tell you what to do but calling the rape crisis line might help.

I’m so sorry this happened.

of course it was rape, you know it.

the most important thing is you and your kids are free of him.

if your son remembers, what he will remember is that there was a bad man and mummy made him go away. Mummy didn’t put him in danger any more, or herself, or his sibling. Mummy protected them by making him go away and not letting him back, ever. It’s actually a very powerful lesson.

Please report it. You never know when you'll need evidence in the future to protect your daughter and reporting something much later will never be taken as seriously.

You poor thing, I am so sorry this has happened to you & to your son. As you say “it keeps coming to the surface no matter how much I try to forget it happened” so I think you realise this won’t just go away. Do seek help. There will be posters with advice on where to go but you will be listened to. You’ve taken a huge step by writing about it here, the act of putting pen to paper has no doubt resurrected lots of emotions & you will no doubt be feeling raw. Do you have a close friend or family member you can confide in for support, because that is what you need right now. Remember, you have done nothing wrong.

Report. If he turns up, phone 999.

Thanks for your supportive replies..it helps to hear other people say it for what it is..he's been gaslighting me for so long you start to question your own ability to make decisions and he has a way of telling me white is black and black is white..he's very manipulative..
I do really need counselling but the waiting list are so long and paying isn't cheap..but I do feel it's something I need to get off my chest..there's lots of red flags with this man if only I hadn't ignored them

I'm so sorry for what you went through.

In terms of counselling does your local area do something called talking therapies? It May be worth doing while you're on the waiting list for counselling.

I believe its nationwide and in my area you can self-refer.

God, that was awful to read. I am so sorry that happened to you and your little boy.
I ignored all of the red flags with my abusive ex too. He also has a habit of turning up unexpectedly when he wants something. He also tells me things didn't happen that absolutely did. I'm sure he convinced me of untrue things when I was in the midst of it all. They're a certain time of b*stard to be sure.

I think that you should try and move away from him so that he can't access you. I know that you said you don't see much of him now but my therapist said that once they've had a hold over you they will just continue their abuse. That they go quiet for a while and then spring up because they are aware of the effect that will have on you.

Even if NHS talking therapies is a long waiting list, it would be worth getting on it. I'm sure there will be other pathways for support also. It sounds like you've needed to speak about this for quite some time. I hope that you get the help that you need. Don't let this define you. It was something that happened to you that was out of your control 🌺

You need to flag this if for nothing else for when he decides he wants custody and you can use this against him
Disgusting man

I think you are still suffering trauma from this rape and talking it over with someone may help you. Contacting Rape Crisis would be a good start. They will be able to give you advice as to what might (or might not) happen if you report him - but that will still be your decision.

Im so sorry.

Report it. Absolutely. You never know what might happen in the future and if nothing else, reporting now can stand as proof to protect you and your family later down the line.

and get some therapy for yourself. Traumas like this need to be processed xx

@Forests90 what do you mean, he just turns up??? you do not ever let him back into your house or lives again!! contact the police!!

I am SO sorry for what you have been through. I have been in an abusive realtionship and I feel your pain. The turmoil, the guilt, the self-loathing.

You did nothing wrong. You looked for the best and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

You have done SO well to remove yourself for the sake of your little boy and girl. Well done you. You should be so proud. Your children have a mother who will fight to put them first and took the hard steps though it was so tricky.

You will ALL be ok in time and with support.

Sending you so so so much love.

DM me anytime x

Also I remember your thread from two years ago as it was so so harrowing. I am sorry this keeps happening to you x 100% keep on chasing therapy/counselling as theres a reason we keep attracting awful men. Sadly there are many bad apples and therapy can help us spot them before they get close enough to hurt

It might be worth looking for rape and sexual violence charities in your area and see if you can self refer so you can see a therapist.

Please reach out to rape crisis or another women’s organization. You ex is vile and I’m so glad you found the strength to leave him. I would advise having as little contact as possible, don’t let him continue to gaslight you. Tell him you want no more contact and if he continues report him to the police for harassment. If you need some form of contact because of your DC and have a family member or good friend you can really trust, you could set up an email address for correspondence with him that your family member/friends check and weeds out any non factual, or non-DC related communication before forwarding to you. Then block him in every other channel so you no longer have to listen to him . You do not have to have contact for anything else.

You can report him however if you were abroad when he raped you, British police may not have jurisdiction. It would be a difficult crime to get a conviction for anyway, add in the complication of it happening abroad and you may want to consider whether that’s worth it to you. But having an official crime report may be helpful down the line for other reasons, e.g. if you need to report him for harassment it provides background to your complaint. Somewhere like Rape Crisis may be better positioned to talk you through the pros and cons but if you can’t get help from a women’s organization, your own police force may have a specialist team that deals with sexual assault and VAWG and could advise on your options even if they can’t do much to make him pay for what he did to you.

Very few things shock me on here, but this shocked me to the core. Yes he raped you. And in front of your child. It’s one of the most shocking things I’ve read on here. I hope you report him.

So sorry to hear this happened and huge well done for leaving him. Please report it to the policy protect yourself and any other women - he clearly needs someone in authority to explain to him that this is rape. It might not lead to a conviction but hopefully he will at the very least be questioned and it might make him think twice about doing it again.

Sending hugs.

There’s a specific law about causing a child to watch a sexual act:

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/12

Because you were abroad it’ll be dependant on local laws but it’s worth reporting it to police here still because a record will have to be made even if it can’t be investigated and that could be disclosed in the future if someone does a Clare’s Law request on him. It might just stop somebody else going through something as awful as what he’s put you and your little boy through.

This is definitely rape and sexual activity in front of a child is sexual abuse, this is his fault not yous. Please report. You can’t let this creep near your children or you again.

as for therapy, if you say you have children under 5 you can usually get seen to quicker as you are high risk in their eyes. Can you contact the rape crisis centre, they will low-key have free counselling. Also, try contacting domestic abuse support as they can help you too.

He got off on the fact that a child was there. He's a paedophile.

I do have to say though - and I mean this with sympathy - I don't think this is appropriate to be posted on Mumsnet. I do hope you get some support in real life though

I was raped by my now exh while our 6 year old ds slept in the next room. Like you I froze, he was going at it so hard my head went through the bars on our bedstead & slammed into the bedroom wall. I had been laid on the bed watching television & surfing on my laptop when he came in & attacked me.