Just found out he had an affair

[Mumnavigation]

Long one I’m hurting and my heads rushing so I apologise now for my grammar and spelling and if it even makes sense.

Found messages in my husbands work phone for a woman under a job title rather than a name but saw her pic was a normal photo not a work one and instantly knew.

the message was innocent looking just chit chat how are you? Etc message prob once a month etc.

but I could feel it his tone was different with her like he knew her well. Different to how he talks about other work colleagues.

I asked him who’s this was and I saw his eyes. He said oh it’s who does X at work.
but his eyes gave it away.

I pushed he told me it was nothing, I told him I could tell he was lying….. good time to mention we’ve been together 19 years married 11 and have 3 kids.

he said it was nothing, so I asked him have you kissed this woman because my gut is screaming at me and I trust it he said no …. Again his eyes.

so after 30 mins we got to the end story.
first it was she kissed me years ago
then
I kissed her back
i knew there was more so kept asking
then it was
yea I touched her chest
hence more pushing
yes she touched me and yes I touch her too
(Down there )
then he broke and admitted that’s as far as it ever went but it carried on for 4 months but back in 2015!!!!!
he finished it after 4 months when she told him she wanted him to leave me and that she liked him almost started loving him and wanted a proper relationship and that I’m he should be with her….. she knew about me and our 2 kids that we had at the time )

he’s told me he said no that it made him realise what he was doing.

it was all in a car outside of work never went further than touching never went anywhere with her just the car. She asked him to go back to hers but he said no. She offered more and he says he said no.

he says over the 4 months it was sexting and they met in car and did stuff 5-10 times over the 4 months. He only touched her there once.

it started with her kissing him and he just didn’t say no. He says he knew she was flirting and he liked the attention and he should’ve shut her down at that point and didn’t and then it just went out of control.

He says when he told her he wanted no contact with her she started saying she was going to find me and tell me. She sent nasty emails and it got nasty but he avoided her and she then left the work place 2 months later and she never told me or contacted me like she said.

he says this was all 2015. He says he was never attracted to her , he just liked the attention and the escape from everything that was happening. 2015 was hell. We did nearly brake.

now 2015 was our roughest year in a marriage. Our 2 year old child was ill , I’d had to leave my job to be with them, we’d been through what’s now called a trauma with what happened with child number 2 and Admittedly we wernt coping well together.
financially we were getting into debt big scary life changing debt, he’s moved departments at work and it was all going wrong and he hated it there and was struggling there, relationship wise we were both pushing away he Did want to hug me and be physical but I will admit I had no interest even telling him I didn’t want that or him like that. —— shit move on my part and I understand this must have hurt him. But he’s taken full accountability for it said even tho I pushed him away he still had choices and he fucked up.

however we got though it I had some counselling and got diagnosed with PTSD and found some of myself back, we got on top of debts and we moved forwards together and the next 8/9 years to this point has been mostly happy loving and we even had another child we communicate better we have a “ good marriage “

so what do I do what do I think?

our good marriage is all based on what was a lie.

heres the thing,
hes messgeing her now ……

so she left his works in 2015 and he thought that was last of it the she randomly phoned him a few years later he answered and it was her she spoke about a mutual friends and that she now had a bf and he just yes yes no etc and that was that she didn’t call again.

then in 2022 she got a job at his work again, he thought oh no but it he works on a huge huge site spanning different building and she wasn’t in his so he thought they would never see each other, a few months in she rings him on work phone about a colleague and drops in asking how he is he kept it polite he says and that was that

then she started texting him and the texts started becoming more about how she has old texts and old emails from their early days.
one message I’ve seen is she text randomly one day saying so I knew you in 2015….and you’d been married 2 years then …. Means you’ve been married quite a while now yeah? Congrats

he didn’t respond.

hes told me he was sure she was getting at that she would tell me, dropping hints etc. she even went away for a few days to where me n hubby went on honey moon and sent him photos from there ….. with a message saying you’ve been here havnt you

so he stared talking to her just polite texts when she text. He says he didn’t want to make her mad , or do anything that would cause her to tell me. He says he’s been petrified of loosing me and loosing us and that’s why he didn’t tell me as he knew there was no going back from it. And we’re good now.

wtf do I do with all this!!!!!

i’m hurt I’m angry.

I belive nothings happening now as I sent kids to my mums house and we had a blazing row about it to the point it was over he was going he had nothing left to loose and he still insisted nothings now just trying to prevent her doing something to us he fully gave me access to work phone private phone work emails laptop he showed me everything and answered anything I asked even questions that humiliated him. So I believe nothings happend since.

he’s said he’s relieved as he can now tell her to F off and never speak to her again. He wants to work at us he wants to be with me he’s said he’ll do anything. Marriage counselling , leave his work place and find another job, anything to stay with me.

what do I do??

so far he’s still around, I’m undecided.
part of me what’s to work on it. We move had a good decade since, lots of happy times and I love him terribly and I don’t want to throw that away but now I’m questioning if that’s even real.

and if we try to make it work now….. then have I go zero self respect??

but I feel sick to my stomach I havnt eaten in 3 days I’ve barely slept.

what do I do.

I have her number , he’s told me I can phone her ask her anything I want she can tell me what it was he says he has nothing left to hide.

but I don’t know what to do or to say or if I even want answers.

he says she might send past emails round work as pay back —— she sent their emails from when they had the affair from her work email to her private one when she left so she’s kept a copy….. wtf!!

he doesn’t have them as he deleted everything of her.

but he’s even said he doesn’t care if she does it, it’ll humiliate him but he says he’ll take it. He would rather I speak to her even if she then turns nasty and send me them so that I know 100% it’s nothing now.

but he was messaging her wether to kelp her sweet or not it’s fucking wrong!!!

what do I do now?

doni phone her? Do I ask her politely? Do I scream at her??

what do I do with him?

I love him it’s killing me. I almost can’t believe he did that not the man I know. But yeah that year 2015 I guess we were heading one of 2 ways closest we’ve ever been to breaking. But we made it through. Do I throw that away?? Do I stay???

what do I do with her????

my minds and my heart are broken

so is your husband having an affair?

i concede i couldn’t face reading it all

i just see 2015 mentioned a lot

i thought you’d separated from him?

If you love him and want to keep the marriage I would take him to marriage counseling with someone who specializes in repair after infidelity. He has said enough, and shown you enough, to demonstrate that he is serious about staying with you and prioritizing you and this family.

She is neither hete nor there. Stop imagining confronting her. She is irrelevant.

You are only learning many years after the fact he was unfaithful, however you are going to have to go through all the feelings as if it only just happened because for you it has. You also have the added layer of him knowing this stuff he did for years and you having no idea, which tends to make you question how you’ve experienced the last near decade together.

if you truly believe right now up till the skeleton came tumbling out of his cupboard you currently have a happy marriage, you enjoy being with him, he’s a good team player in your family etc then this is worth working through (with support from a therapist). You might survive it you might not but only you know if you want to try.

You have many many painful months ahead. You need to prepare yourself there might be some truth trickling going on and more is yet to be discovered by perhaps not. He seems very open rather than defensive, he has already said he had choices in this and made shit ones, rather than blame others or deflect blame elsewhere, which is a good sign there’s something to work with.

You are going to feel screwed up, rung out, disoriented and all over the place for a while yet. It’s horrendous but it doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage, but it has to be the start of a new one. You can’t have the old one back. It’s gone.

Oh and don’t contact this woman. Please don’t. It is not going to help in anyway but I can assure you she will light up like a Christmas tree getting to tell you all the gory details.

it is enough that if she starts making future threats to your husband he says “my wife knows what happened, you have nothing to gain with this behaviour, please keep all contact with me work related”

He’s cheating on you op. And has been since 2015. What don’t you do? Contact her. What do you do? If it was me (and it was a few years ago), get a lawyer.

Your child was ill and he was out having an affair? I don't think I could ever get past that.

Do not contact her OP.
She won’t tell you the truth if she still fancies him. She’ll exaggerate. Plus you have seen all msg now so have a good idea what went on. Don’t give her any more power. It’s not your job to take the guilt off H by starting your own fight with her.

Next time she msg H and strays into personal info he should be clear that he is not interested in discussing anything except work and should show you the msg.

If in 2015 you told H you didn’t want a physical relationship with him that must have been tough. It’s no excuse but we are all human and don’t all do the most logical things which in that situation could have been for one of you to suggest and arrange couples therapy etc.

Go with your gut which seems good so far. If you think he’s being genuine with you now, and is presenting a fairly honest tale, then I think you can get through this.

If she does try to stir things by getting in touch I would cut it dead by either ignoring her, always my favourite option, or by replying ‘I know all about you. Please don’t contact me again or I will report you to your company’s HR and the police for harassment’.

Also has he now blocked her on his personal phone? Could H start looking for roles elsewhere?

I think you’ll work this through together and come out stronger as a couple if it is mostly how he’s presented it.
💐

I think Catoo has nailed it. Do not contact her, she won't tell you anything you want to hear. You can work on your marriage but your husband must be 100% committed for you to get through this.

It's clear in your post that you want to work on your marriage after finding all of this out.

Only you can really make that decision, but it's going to be a long process. You will have to trust that this affair is over and that your husband also wants to work on this too. Its not going to be easy.

I don't think ringing her will help but I understand how tempting it is as you want to get to the truth. Thing is you don't really know her or her intentions.

Might do you good to have a break away couple of days you're probably still in shock atm. You need to have a clear head on your next steps.

@Holdsagrudge and @Catoo have nailed this already.

This is fresh for you. You need time to process it yourself. You also do not need to make a decision now, tomorrow, next week or even next year. You can stay and work on things for the moment, and if you decide it isn't right later, you can walk away any time.

You have described what was a pretty horrendous time for you both. It does not justify him getting involved with someone else, but affairs are complicated things and understanding why they happen in any individual circumstance can help allow healing, if that is what you choose.

He is a weak man.. Imo that won't change. In your shoes his bags would be packed already..

I'd say this is a tricky one. I'm the first to say LTB with cheating, and if it was recent I would. However this is nearly 10 years ago - only you can decide if the pile of good things about your relationships is worth the pile of bad, and if you can completely trust he is on your team and will sort it now.

If a woman had been having an affair with a married man for a few months, he ended it and stayed with his wife, and 9 YEARS LATER she thought she would forward emails around at work, then I expect everyone who was aware would never want to work with her again.

This all happened a long time ago when you two were going through a really rough patch in your marriage. He could have bailed out then but didn't. Did he behave well - no. Do you have some idea why he did - I believe you do. You together have since come through that awful time, you have a good marriage - none of that changes because of what you have found out. He sounds as though he is utterly ashamed of what happened - and is looking for ways to make it right. I do suggest you go for counselling together - they are very good at giving you both a safe space to talk, shout,cry _ whatever you need to do. You will not come away with the same marriage - you will either go forward into a new one or part. There are times when a crisis can be turned into a success - it is your choice but I would hazard a guess one that is worth taking. You both need to be willing to be honest, to forgive and go forward. (And yes - something similar happened to DH and I early in our marriage. He was silly, did not go as far as sex - horribly ashamed. We are now well into our third decade - so glad I have us a chance.)

I think I’d struggle to get past the fact our child wasn’t well and he was out cheating. I’d find that unforgivable.

I see this a two choices problem. Either you believe him and forgive him giving you relationships a chance, even if you end splitting at the end because you will be trying, and trying won't guarantee you the success. This would involve him deleting her from everywhere, changing work if possible or reporting her to HR or wherever for harassment if she she carry on threatening.

Or you decide you had had enough and look for a divorce. I would choose this one, of course I'm not you and I don't know your situation. You don't have to divorce now. You can take your time if you wish, that is a decision only you can make.

What I wouldn't do is contact her because she is likely to lie to your face as your husband is doing, and one thing I know is you don't need more shit at the minute.

I would not contact her. It seems you both had a tough time and dealt with it in different ways. Yes go to counselling. It was a long time ago but it’s new to you and you have every right to be angry. It seems he chose you but she was an escape. Honestly I would struggle to trust but maybe you can work on it and come through it stronger.

I think i could possibly forgive this , you were both in a bad place ,you nearly split but you didn't and things got better and stayed that way -until now.
Only you can decide,many will be quick to say LTB, but it sounds like you both contributed to the misery you were in at the time.
It sounds like you were both in a lot of pain and lost sight of each other , different situation if things weren't in a bad place and he was just getting his leg over any chance he had and bugger the consequences - unforgivable for me.
I know lots won't agree with me but i would be saying the same if you had been the one who had the affair .

Do not give her the satisfaction of contacting her as this will add much needed drama and the feeling of importance to her.

I think the hardest thing for me to digest was him being intimate with another woman. This would destroy me and it sounds like it is killing you too!

He sounds remorseful however this is all new. Will he have the patience to keep reassuring you for weeks, months however long it takes.

i would give couples counselling a go plus seperate counselling for you.Your H doesn’t sound like the worst cheater out there but he’s not great either I am afraid.

I’m usually LTB half way through an OP, but for the first time (trusting all is as he’s unwillingly divulged and the marriage is as good as you say it now is), I can see why you would try to repair.

I wouldn’t contact her though, as if she’s capable of such extensive blackmail, she’ll likely be extra nasty.

I'm curious though as to why you went through his phone. In my mind people in happy marriages don’t do ‘routine inspections’, especially on a spouse’s work phone.

I would potentially see it differently. During that awful time the OP needed to retreat from physical contact. Some people are the opposite. They need physical contact and this can cause a massive problem as one persons trauma reaction is the opposite of what the other person's trauma reaction calls for.

If there was no explanation I would be more upset

I wasn’t checking, it was purely accidental.
my phones storage is full and I’d taken a beautiful photo of our youngest earlier that day, we’d actually had a really lovely day out gone walking chatting laughing. Which makes finding out even more if a kicker.
So I’d taken the photo on his work phone as her personal was dead & he always has it on him even on days off incase something goes wrong and they need to contact him while he’s away ( something he’s trying to cut down on )

anyway that evening I wanted to send a copy to my mum as it was such a lovely photo.
I asked if we could send it and he passed me his phone and said here incase you wanna send it to your sister too and gave me the phone for me to do it. When I opened up the share via WhatsApp section she was an option to select as she’d text his work phone earlier that day. I instantly felt something was up as everyone else when they ring him comes up with a name usually their first and last but it was just 3 initials for this person an abbreviation of a job title which I thought very odd and strange and her profile pic wasn’t a work style one it was a selfie … again odd. The only outside of work contacts he keeps are family members on that phone. So I asked him and instantly saw his eyes. And that’s how it all came out.