Just found out he had an affair

[Mumnavigation]

Long one I’m hurting and my heads rushing so I apologise now for my grammar and spelling and if it even makes sense.

Found messages in my husbands work phone for a woman under a job title rather than a name but saw her pic was a normal photo not a work one and instantly knew.

the message was innocent looking just chit chat how are you? Etc message prob once a month etc.

but I could feel it his tone was different with her like he knew her well. Different to how he talks about other work colleagues.

I asked him who’s this was and I saw his eyes. He said oh it’s who does X at work.
but his eyes gave it away.

I pushed he told me it was nothing, I told him I could tell he was lying….. good time to mention we’ve been together 19 years married 11 and have 3 kids.

he said it was nothing, so I asked him have you kissed this woman because my gut is screaming at me and I trust it he said no …. Again his eyes.

so after 30 mins we got to the end story.
first it was she kissed me years ago
then
I kissed her back
i knew there was more so kept asking
then it was
yea I touched her chest
hence more pushing
yes she touched me and yes I touch her too
(Down there )
then he broke and admitted that’s as far as it ever went but it carried on for 4 months but back in 2015!!!!!
he finished it after 4 months when she told him she wanted him to leave me and that she liked him almost started loving him and wanted a proper relationship and that I’m he should be with her….. she knew about me and our 2 kids that we had at the time )

he’s told me he said no that it made him realise what he was doing.

it was all in a car outside of work never went further than touching never went anywhere with her just the car. She asked him to go back to hers but he said no. She offered more and he says he said no.

he says over the 4 months it was sexting and they met in car and did stuff 5-10 times over the 4 months. He only touched her there once.

it started with her kissing him and he just didn’t say no. He says he knew she was flirting and he liked the attention and he should’ve shut her down at that point and didn’t and then it just went out of control.

He says when he told her he wanted no contact with her she started saying she was going to find me and tell me. She sent nasty emails and it got nasty but he avoided her and she then left the work place 2 months later and she never told me or contacted me like she said.

he says this was all 2015. He says he was never attracted to her , he just liked the attention and the escape from everything that was happening. 2015 was hell. We did nearly brake.

now 2015 was our roughest year in a marriage. Our 2 year old child was ill , I’d had to leave my job to be with them, we’d been through what’s now called a trauma with what happened with child number 2 and Admittedly we wernt coping well together.
financially we were getting into debt big scary life changing debt, he’s moved departments at work and it was all going wrong and he hated it there and was struggling there, relationship wise we were both pushing away he Did want to hug me and be physical but I will admit I had no interest even telling him I didn’t want that or him like that. —— shit move on my part and I understand this must have hurt him. But he’s taken full accountability for it said even tho I pushed him away he still had choices and he fucked up.

however we got though it I had some counselling and got diagnosed with PTSD and found some of myself back, we got on top of debts and we moved forwards together and the next 8/9 years to this point has been mostly happy loving and we even had another child we communicate better we have a “ good marriage “

so what do I do what do I think?

our good marriage is all based on what was a lie.

heres the thing,
hes messgeing her now ……

so she left his works in 2015 and he thought that was last of it the she randomly phoned him a few years later he answered and it was her she spoke about a mutual friends and that she now had a bf and he just yes yes no etc and that was that she didn’t call again.

then in 2022 she got a job at his work again, he thought oh no but it he works on a huge huge site spanning different building and she wasn’t in his so he thought they would never see each other, a few months in she rings him on work phone about a colleague and drops in asking how he is he kept it polite he says and that was that

then she started texting him and the texts started becoming more about how she has old texts and old emails from their early days.
one message I’ve seen is she text randomly one day saying so I knew you in 2015….and you’d been married 2 years then …. Means you’ve been married quite a while now yeah? Congrats

he didn’t respond.

hes told me he was sure she was getting at that she would tell me, dropping hints etc. she even went away for a few days to where me n hubby went on honey moon and sent him photos from there ….. with a message saying you’ve been here havnt you

so he stared talking to her just polite texts when she text. He says he didn’t want to make her mad , or do anything that would cause her to tell me. He says he’s been petrified of loosing me and loosing us and that’s why he didn’t tell me as he knew there was no going back from it. And we’re good now.

wtf do I do with all this!!!!!

i’m hurt I’m angry.

I belive nothings happening now as I sent kids to my mums house and we had a blazing row about it to the point it was over he was going he had nothing left to loose and he still insisted nothings now just trying to prevent her doing something to us he fully gave me access to work phone private phone work emails laptop he showed me everything and answered anything I asked even questions that humiliated him. So I believe nothings happend since.

he’s said he’s relieved as he can now tell her to F off and never speak to her again. He wants to work at us he wants to be with me he’s said he’ll do anything. Marriage counselling , leave his work place and find another job, anything to stay with me.

what do I do??

so far he’s still around, I’m undecided.
part of me what’s to work on it. We move had a good decade since, lots of happy times and I love him terribly and I don’t want to throw that away but now I’m questioning if that’s even real.

and if we try to make it work now….. then have I go zero self respect??

but I feel sick to my stomach I havnt eaten in 3 days I’ve barely slept.

what do I do.

I have her number , he’s told me I can phone her ask her anything I want she can tell me what it was he says he has nothing left to hide.

but I don’t know what to do or to say or if I even want answers.

he says she might send past emails round work as pay back —— she sent their emails from when they had the affair from her work email to her private one when she left so she’s kept a copy….. wtf!!

he doesn’t have them as he deleted everything of her.

but he’s even said he doesn’t care if she does it, it’ll humiliate him but he says he’ll take it. He would rather I speak to her even if she then turns nasty and send me them so that I know 100% it’s nothing now.

but he was messaging her wether to kelp her sweet or not it’s fucking wrong!!!

what do I do now?

doni phone her? Do I ask her politely? Do I scream at her??

what do I do with him?

I love him it’s killing me. I almost can’t believe he did that not the man I know. But yeah that year 2015 I guess we were heading one of 2 ways closest we’ve ever been to breaking. But we made it through. Do I throw that away?? Do I stay???

what do I do with her????

my minds and my heart are broken

I actually agree, he’s very affectionate , always hugging and hand holding and needs physical contact, and in times of stress he’s always needed it more. When he lost a family member I found it strange he wanted to be intimate hours after finding out the news and being totally devastated. But I then understood he needed to feel close and safe and that’s his way of coping.
Some call it love language I think, I’m the opposite I like affection but I shut down when stressed and go into my own bubble.
something I know I did, I went from hugging him and stroking his back when I walked past to not doing any of it, and wriggling away when he tried to hug me because I couldn’t cope. I had ptsd as we nearly lost our child before this point but I didn’t know it at the time and I was on auto pilot trying to get through a day at a time and being consumed with worry so much so I now she I left him lonely….. not an excuse to do what he did tho as I was having the worst time of my life too and I didn’t tap out!

However I can see the pain he was in and how he had no way to cope as I’d shut him out probably at the point in his life where he needed his wife more than ever.
i think neither of us could see the wood for the trees at that point, I didn’t know I was doing it I didn’t know I had ptsd I don’t know until after therapy that that’s what I even had. I only sought therapy because I couldn’t sleep and spoke with my dr who recognised it in me.
likewise he couldn’t see he needed to talk to me he shut down that way too and he had therapy later on for depression again caused by the trauma. We couldn’t see the mess around us we were just trying to survive I guess. But since that point we built on it and we now talk and I understand his need for affection and he understands my need for emotional connection. And we check in with each other now.
so I get it …… it still hurts madly and again I was in pain then too and don’t choose to do that….. but I get it

Christ! There is no’good’ way to find out, but discovering this in what is meant to be a beautiful moment is a gut punch.

It probably would have been easier to disclose while you were in counselling then, instead of wasting another decade hiding this and being blackmailed in the process. Now you’re going through fresh hell, having discovered it now.

I'm so sorry, OP 💐.

First, I'm sorry you are going through this! You are right to be hurt/shocked/angry/betrayed etc. Unfortunately, you'll need to feel those feelings for as long as it takes. Cry, scream, rage. Do whatever you need to do.

From experience, contacting the other woman only seemed to push her & my DH closer together - like I was (initially) the common enemy. When I confronted the OW, she ignored me, but ran straight to DH bleating that I was "harassing" her. I wasn't; I'd literally sent her one message. But initially, DH was on her side. You will gain absolutely nothing from her. She will not tell you the truth. There will not be any "sisterhood " or "solidarity, women sticking together".

It will take time & space. You don't need to make any rash or immediate decisions.

In the meantime, try to look after yourself. The gym became my BFF, a place where I could let out my rage, aggression & anxiety.

Hi OP
So sorry you find yourself in this situation. It’s just traumatic
i can speak from a sort of similar experience
i found out my partner had an affair but I found out after it was over. Not by nearly 10 years though, so the interval was shorter

i think its a very different trauma to finding out ‘in real time’. You had the trauma around your child at the time too which is another complicating factor

I agree with other posters that I would not contact her. No good can come of it

most of the advice online will say that your husband needs to leave his job so he is not continuing to work with her. Depending on his career choice and your finances as a couple this might not be doable but he should be willing to at least consider it as part of going no contact with her

There is a Reddit community called ‘As one after infidelity’ I find Reddit a bit strange at times but it is helpful. Also just be aware that there is a negativity bias, it’s frequently said there that as couples do better they drift away from posting

I found survivinginfidelity.com to be very prescriptive and extreme in some ways but they do have a collections of stories about reconciliation and a forum specifically about those who found out years later which may be helpful for you to read, you’re not alone in this pain. Xx

I'm pretty sure half of what he's told you is lies - to make it sound like her fault, like he's not really still involved, to minimise what's happened and maximise his chances of staying in control of the situation, etc.

I wouldn't trust him.

Sorry you're going through this.

Know that 'eviscerated' feeling only too well.
If your relationship can recover, it needs him to have zero contact with her - ever.
If this means changing location, job, then this is the price you've both got to pay.
Don't feel the need to apologise or explain about looking at his phone.
Contacting her - is not going to make things better, I think.
Sometimes sh*t happens, people make mistakes, so I wouldn't rush to kick him out for what happened 10 years ago, but if it's happening again, then time is up.

My dear, if it happended in the car.... it was more than that. I found out when I got the call at work, from the husband of the other woman. my husband and his wife in a parking garage, full blown unprotected sex. It fucked my mind up so badly. 10 months later I just decided - it does not matter any more. So don't let him water it down. Call that cow and tell her you will shove her head in her arse if she ever has any contact with your husband again. I did. Felt great.

The problem is you are kind of trapped, you are financially linked and have a child, starting anew seems too daunting. But, he has ruined it. You will never feel the same about him and this is the reality now, accept it, it will be easier and you will come to this conclusion anyway. You have stumbled in to a secret that you were not supposed to find out, and many ppl are in blissful ignorance their whole life, not sure which is worse. I particularly laugh when posters on MN go on about he is my best friend and he is this and that, it’s likely they just don’t know the secrets. Never boast about your dh virtue.

You will always be on your guard, that is a good thing, but your marriage is like a piece of fruit, it looks the same as before but the sweet taste has gone.

Do not be too loyal to him, think of yourself and your child first in all you do, he is now just an enabler of your lifestyle, to be able to say you have a husband and to be stable financially but you will have good times, for most of the time you’ll forget, but you will still think of it every day.

He may not realise it but he has lost a lot, he has lost you.

This 100%

I don't have time for people who have affairs but I do have a friend who was stalked by her husband's ex mistress who was unhappy that he had ended an affair. The husband had done stupid things to try to keep his ex mistress quiet including even giving her some money. He went a distance to visit her at her request as he was trying to calm her down. I have seen messages from this woman to his wife and she was determined to ruin his life. What I'm saying is that men do some stupid things to try to keep a past affair secret.

Absolutely. The whole narrative casts him as being mildly annoyed by her, just seeking solace when he was not sound of mind and only touching her ‘once’…Like he’s the victim of some evil siren. This is not how affairs/sexual dalliances work!

The cherry on the top is the “…he’s said he’s relieved as he can now tell her to F off and never speak to her again.”

He had that option from day one.

Don’t be too trusting of his story telling op. He is minimising like fuck to protect himself.

Interesting the way he's blaming her for taking advantage of him! It takes 2 to tango and l'm sure there was a lot more to it in 2015 than a few quick fumbles in the car. Poor helpless man..he is lying OP but it's your choice if you think you can forgive him. I wasn't able to on discovering infidelity, but if he's prepared to do the work and have couples counselling that decision is up to you.

OP I'd give him another chance.... he's clearly not been having an affair for a long time. He passed you the phone without a second thought.

This woman is a predator, she saw a broken vunerable, frightened and lonely man and took advantage. Then when she gave him an ultimatum he woke up and realised what he was doing. She also strikes me as a stalker if I'm honest almost an abuser, deliberately terrorising him.

Don't let her win this is exactly what she wants. I suspect your child was seriously unwell and he was litterally falling apart inside I know it's no excuse but she took advantage of him when he was at his most vunerable.

If I were you I'd litterally say I'm hurt that you did this but it was a long time ago, it will take time to get trust back but let's at least give it a go. Don't let this weird little home wrecker take what is quite clearly a strong and loving marriage.

You must feel so upset right now and I'm sorry this happened to you. I know many will disagree with me but sometimes when under immense stress good people do bad things and they make silly mistakes. It's positive he didn't sleep with her, especially as it sounds like he had the opportunity (assuming he's telling you the truth about how far it went). I can understand why you'd want to give your marriage a try, especially with kids involved. He doesn't sound like a habitual cheat. I hope you can both work through this (if that's what you choose). You're certainly not a pushover, whatever you decide to do. Good luck.

Hes clearly told her she can ring her, I suspect he's relieved that he can no longer be black mailed. If this were my husband I would not even consider ending this marriage without a fight. He chose her... he had a choice he could have walked away in 2015 his life was an absolute mess and he chose her... that counts for something.

I think you can get over this and I don't normally. Not minimising the shock and upset at all and hope this is giving him a huge fright. I don't think you throw it away though. I know people who have got through it and are still together, the affair a small part of a long married life together.

Myself and my husband did acctually lose our child OP. so I know first hand the trauma of that fear and suffering you both felt. There were no affairs for us, but it was an extemely hard time for our marriage and we have survived and so has yours. You've already been through so much worse than this, honestly move forward together. Many here will tell you not to but unless they have lived through the trauma that we have they can never understand. As for this woman she IS to blame, she IS a predator I don't care what anyone says.

@Mumnavigation whatever happens, he needs to say “my wife knows what happened, you have nothing to gain with this behaviour, please keep all contact with me work related” as @Holdsagrudge said. And you need to decide if you believe him. It IS possible this latest stuff is all on her not letting go. In which case, he might have made poor choices in not telling you but I can kind of see this happening. You don’t need to contact her though … but you are likely to need some kind of professional
help to navigate this.

Honestly OP I’m not sure what advice to give other than if you love him you can make it work. It sounds like he regret his massive fuck up but it has to be your choice without any guilt tripping from him.

Also I wouldn’t contact her just now. It wouldn’t do any good and emotions are still too high.

he Did want to hug me and be physical but I will admit I had no interest, even telling him I didn’t want that, or him, like that

You told him you didn't want him as a sexual partner anymore. He had a few fumbles in a car with someone after you said that. Honestly, I'd move past it.

And I say that as someone who was cheated on in a previous marriage. But that was full on cheating, with 10+ women, whilst we were still having regular sex! I couldn't get past that, but I could get past this, given the signals you gave him at the time.

Everyone is human, we all make mistakes. I'm not sure I'd even call this full on cheating, given that you'd told him you no longer wanted him.

This is a common theme with some men. Wife and children are going through vulnerable trauma and they can't cope so they cheat. It's a joke.