Life turned out a failure (60s). Not sure how to deal with.

[WonderingFar]

It feels a bit risky writing here, but don’t know where else to express this (in real life or on the internet). The central point is that I cannot look at any area of my life eg family, work, relationships, health, finances and have any sense that anything has turned out well. In fact, the opposite.

And whilst I was once always at least hopeful for the future, that ship has sailed given my age (65). I don’t consider myself depressed, but a realist as to how my life turned out. Given my significant health problems, there are practical limits to any change too. Many days seem pointless as a result, just getting through.

It’s not the sort of thing you can talk about to people in real life. I am not sure if a therapist would help either as what could they say? I don’t believe there is any ‘resolution’ or problem solving possible, and exploring my feelings with someone else won’t change the past or the future. (ps. I saw a therapist for a few years in my 40s)

I have occasional things I am grateful for, occasional things I look forward to. But the overall feeling is that various trauma, poor finances, lack of support, bad luck, sensitivity and naievity as having created a difficult adult life with little love and alot of sadness and disappointment. I suppose one could embrace just that, simply because it is truth, but I’m not sure what that achieves. I’m not sure what to do, if anything? Any sage advice, or thoughts?

I obviously don't know the detail of your life OP but speaking as someone who has had to deal with some pretty awful life circumstances it really sounds like you have given up on yourself.

I don't think you should resign yourself to your "lot" and I wonder what has brought you to this place?

I think it was good that you were able to put your thoughts down articulately into words even though it doesn’t change your reality. Sometimes you just need to be heard when life is really tough and when there are no apparent solutions.
I personally find trying to get as much pleasure as I can from the present and not looking too much into the past helps not to do my head in. I have got back into creative writing a hobby. It was something I use to enjoy as a young person. It’s a great way to escape from reality and oddly, it’s therapeutic because I live vicariously through my characters and explore themes that happened to me in my life.

I think you are misunderstanding the objectives of therapy. A therapist isn’t there to problem solve or suggest solutions. With the right person, it’s a place to look at your scripts, the assumptions etc that feed your beliefs about yourself, and unpicking the unhelpful ones that are keeping you ‘stuck’.

I can think of one friend in particular whose life looks deeply unlucky — she had to end a high-flying career and move countries when she got an aggressive form of cancer, had a double mastectomy, and when she was just picking herself up after that and trying to get back on her feet in a new freelance job, had a bad accident which involved serious injuries and a long running court case. When it was settled in her favour, she bought a tiny house that needed a lot of work in a new (cheap) part of the country, and within a few months, it was badly damaged (including structural problems) by flooding, so she’s been living in a rental ever since, while dealing with insurance and the loss of many of her belongings. Building work hasn’t even begun, and it’s almost a year since the floods.

Yet she’s a positive, grounded, broadly happy person, because she is hood at prioritising her wishes and mental and physical health.

What would you like your life to look like in a year from now?

My piece of advice for the day:

Read an article about how families are suffering in war torn countries. Just for a second imagine what it must be like for them and imagine being transported from their situation to yours. They'd be absolutely bloody chuffed.

I sound like my father when I wouldn't eat my veggies so that might not be useful at all, in which case I'm genuinely sorry if it isn't. Sending you a hug regardless x

What does your life look like op? Give us a snap shot of it in the here and now. This sounds very hard for you, like an existential anguish.

And whilst I was once always at least hopeful for the future, that ship has sailed given my age (65). I don’t consider myself depressed, but a realist as to how my life turned out. Given my significant health problems, there are practical limits to any change too. Many days seem pointless as a result, just getting through.

This stood out for me. I'm 62, in most (but not all) ways my life has 'turned out' pretty well, but many days seem pointless to me nonetheless - because I'm a realist, and I know my best shot has gone, and objectively there's not a huge amount to look forward to. I find there's a certain peace in accepting that though. The striving, the feeling 'if a try a bit harder, everything will be great', is no longer relevant. I don't look back, I don't look forward, I just live in the now.

Speaking as a 54 year old who is currently dying and unlikely to see 55, let alone 62, now is all any of us have, or have ever had.

I don't want to die and leave my family but I also am very appreciative of the life I have lived. I have spent my life appreciating the small, daily things and not constantly setting myself up for disappointment by "striving" and expecting my happiness to come that way.

I'm sorry, it's probably not fair of me to lay that on you, but life really is what you make it.

In your position I would sit and reflect on three things that would make an immediate difference to my well-being.

A country or place I have longed to visit
a person I have missed or long to see
an investment in myself of some kind

You can’t change your past choices or what was missing or disappointing- what you do have left is a bit of life left that could be well spent on something just for you.

Therapy can release you from old patterns of pain, negative thought patterns and stuff that isn’t yours to carry. It can be very beneficial at any age.

thank you.

I'm going to pay more attention to the small, daily things having read this.

Do you have any meaningful activities in your life, be it a hobby, gardening, volunteer work or meeting people in groups in a social way? Or are you just sat at home passing time?
You need to find something that brings pleasure and reward and gives you some focus in life.

You sound depressed. And I know it's trite, but do try some of these. I find especially that giving to others increases the happiness in my own life - it's almost a selfish act because it makes me happy every time! (not that I do it often enough - I do have to remind myself).

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/five-steps-to-mental-wellbeing/

In the last 3 weeks two people I know have passed away
one age 43 from cancer
one age 17 in a car accident

Life is what you make of it. If you aren't happy what small things can you do to bring some joy into your life. It doesn't have to be expensive or something grand - find something you enjoy doing and give it a go.

Anything you have always wanted to do - maybe write a bucket list and then consider how you can tick those items off one by one

Nothing is guaranteed in life.

I have had a year of being misdiagnosed and left by NHS, still not 100% sure I am on the right meds, testing has been through me pushing but has highlighted a chronic illness I have probably struggled with for years which hugely affects my mood, as well as B12 deficiency, which also makes you depressed and lethargic. I've been able to go out for 1hr a day since January so my life has nose-dived into becoming a practical recluse and I feel angry about it a lot of the time (could be my thyroid and the emotional instability there).

I've done a will and everything now as I don't trust A&E (after they sent me home with an embolism) so I've been thinking very much along similar lines OP. I think friends who you've not spoken to in a while would be good in your situation - not mine as I can't actually do anything like meet them and talking about my health isn't madly fun for anyone. If you have people you've lost track of maybe you can arrange coffee and cake or a lunch with them or a dog walk?

Life doesn't have to be graded like a report, I think you can be happy if you haven't caused undue distress to anyone unecessarily. If you have been thoughtful and helped make good changes. I know I did a lot of good for friends along my life and have literally saved a couple. I know I was the best mum I could be after a traumatic childhood - I did therapy and passed on the good rather than the bad. We all make mistakes with parenting though but if you think about it compared to your childhood I think generally people do feel they do better than their parents did for them, which is progress. These small changes and actions all add up.

You're not a serial killer. You may not be running a global corporation but that isn't really my idea of a life worth living. Spend time thinking on what you can do to improve it from today. Do you want to read more? Meet people? Do some travelling and have an adventure? What do you want to change to make it feel more worthwhile?

@TwigTheWonderKid i didn’t want to pass your note by. I’m so sorry to hear that you are dying and wish you peace in the next little while. I would love to know, what are the little things in your life that you have taken great pleasure from and are thankful for?

This is very much a therapy problem, cognitive behavioural therapy in fact. Reframe your definitions of success and look at things from another perspective, with some support, canbe life changing.

The only thing you can do is change your attitude. I don't in any way mean that to sound harsh and I am certainly not advocating toxic positivity. Your life so far has not worked out in any area, you say.

That comment suggests you have a strong set of 'oughts' that you feel should be achieved in order to justify your existence. Just ditch them. No one has to be or do anything in order to justify being here on the planet. People are allowed to spend their days watching day time TV and eating bumperbags of crisps, or drinking hooch on a park bench and shouting incoherently at passersby or collecting stray cats until the neighbours complain. Others might judge them for living with those values, but so what. They are alive. They have that right.

You could spend your life just staring at clouds and flowers. Or walking slowly around your neighbourhood. Or chatting on MN. You don't have to achieve anything. Not ever. You are allowed to just breathe and be.

If circumstances are uncomfortable and difficult, that's a separate issue. Everyone deserves a basic level of comfort, though a vast number of people never have it. That alone is a massive life challenge, if you are constantly having to battle for crumbs through inhumane benefits/housing systems. But don't add self-judgement to that burden.

I know this is a cliche, but cliches become cliches because they are true: try at least some of the time to focus on things that can give you joy or move your life in the right direction, even fractionally. You are online, so that's a massive start. You can play your favourite songs on youtube for free right now. You can do free meditation and affirmation and self-help guidance. You can follow exercise videos tailored to your mobility/ability level - there are thousands of these available free. You can get outside or to a window, and take time to just enjoy watching the world turn - sunrises and sunsets, moon waxing and waning, the signs of the seasons. If only to give yourself a break from how hard the rest of life is, allow yourself to focus on simple easy to access stuff that demands nothing of you - it's just there for you to enjoy. I am not saying this solves anything. Just that it gives you a breather from the rest of life. It's good, free stuff, so take all of it.

But the overall feeling is that various trauma, poor finances, lack of support, bad luck, sensitivity and naievity as having created a difficult adult life with little love and alot of sadness and disappointment.

The language you are using: trauma, lack of support, bad luck, sounds like you aren't taking accountability for your circumstances. What steps have you taken (apart from previous counselling) or would you be prepared to take, to improve the things that are important to you? What are you disappointed about?

Also where you wrote:
I am not sure if a therapist would help either as what could they say? I don’t believe there is any ‘resolution’ or problem solving possible, and exploring my feelings with someone else won’t change the past or the future.

Sounds like you are unwilling to make effort? Exploring feelings is how we resolve, rather than bury trauma and can begin to heal. What do you mean by 'I don't believe there is any 'resolution' or problem solving possible'?

I mean this kindly OP. A therapist would ask you to consider aspects of your life. Are you unwilling or afraid to do this? It sounds like you have had support, although you haven't mentioned for how long.

You are relatively young OP. Health problems aside, you have every possibility of improving the things that are important to you, if you are prepared to make effort towards that end.

People experience grief, bankruptcy, divorce, addiction, criminal convictions, major health problems and consider their lives are purposeful. It doesn't just happen to them though OP

@WonderingFar I could have written your OP …

Huge disappointment and failure in every area - and in my case from what should have been various brilliant starts. Now I have worse than nothing; every single thing I try to do or not do makes things worse. I never imagined my life could turn out so badly.

All I can say to you is - if you have a home where you feel safe and secure, you are winning at life, and however bad you feel, things can improve.

I am sorry for you. Do you do anything at all for yourself? I have recently joined a choir, and all my problems drop away when I sing, for at least an hour.

Is there something you can do like that? My choir is not expensive, and I know there are many free ones. A sport, a consuming hobby, a craft?

I notice you’ve put this on the Relationships board. Has there been a recent relationship breakdown that’s making life harder?

You could have 20-30 years left. What have you always wanted to do? How could you achieve it? Keep yourself fit and get some hobbies.

If you do go down the therapy route, could I recommend trying to find a schema therapist? It's a type of therapy that addresses long-seated and wide-ranging issues such as the overall feeling of failure across different areas of your life that you describe, and is often recommended for people who have already tried other therapies. It's not a short term fix as treatment may take a couple of years. I'm doing it at the moment and like the fact it is a very transparent form of therapy where you and the therapist both take a look "under the bonnet" together. For me there has been a sense of finding a core "source code" that makes sense of a lot of different experiences in my past and present.

I empathise with what you are experiencing and wish you the best whatever you decide to do.

schematherapysociety.org/Find-a-Therapist

I guess it's been a general philosophy as much as little things.

I am incredibly grateful to that I know who I am and have always felt able to be me, not swayed by what is the "norm" or constantly striving for things which only make you less happy, not more. I think that removes a lot of dissatisfaction and internal conflict.

I lost both my parents when I was 20 so I think I have really appreciated relationships with both the family I have created and my friends.

Because of that, despite it being a huge financial struggle, I prioritised staying at home with my boys when they were little and although compared to many of my friends, we had to forego lots of material things it's a decision which made me happy then and continues to.

I think getting involved in my community and with other people has also been incredibly rewarding for me. I have amazing friends that give me what money can never buy.

And definitely the little things too. Less is definitely more. Birdsong, books, a cuddle by with my cat, a pretty weed growing in an unexpected place. But you have to slow down to be able to appreciate them.

You've had some good advice OP. I'd add try magic mushrooms. Great for giving perspective and helping you find peace and meaning in your experience.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/a-new-start-after-60#:~:text=A%20new%20start%20after%2060%3A%20I%20always%20battled%20with%20my,self%2Dconfidence%20growing%20...

I leave this link here, OP, in the hope that it can give you a sense of hope and possibility for what your life can still be: anything! I know that can sound a bit idealistic and wishy washy, but reading real life examples of people making total new starts or changes at around your age could possibly give you some new perspectives.

I agree with PPs that it seems that therapy could still help you, and that it's not about problem solving as such, but about supporting you in being able to see things differently, experience your life differently, and find fulfilment and contentment in whatever way is right for you. You are alive now! Your life can be enjoyed and explored while you're still here to experience it.

I firmly, firmly believe that it is never, ever too late for things to change. Please keep talking it all through and/or venting here with us. You're not alone and you're really not a lost cause.