Life turned out a failure (60s). Not sure how to deal with.

[WonderingFar]

It feels a bit risky writing here, but don’t know where else to express this (in real life or on the internet). The central point is that I cannot look at any area of my life eg family, work, relationships, health, finances and have any sense that anything has turned out well. In fact, the opposite.

And whilst I was once always at least hopeful for the future, that ship has sailed given my age (65). I don’t consider myself depressed, but a realist as to how my life turned out. Given my significant health problems, there are practical limits to any change too. Many days seem pointless as a result, just getting through.

It’s not the sort of thing you can talk about to people in real life. I am not sure if a therapist would help either as what could they say? I don’t believe there is any ‘resolution’ or problem solving possible, and exploring my feelings with someone else won’t change the past or the future. (ps. I saw a therapist for a few years in my 40s)

I have occasional things I am grateful for, occasional things I look forward to. But the overall feeling is that various trauma, poor finances, lack of support, bad luck, sensitivity and naievity as having created a difficult adult life with little love and alot of sadness and disappointment. I suppose one could embrace just that, simply because it is truth, but I’m not sure what that achieves. I’m not sure what to do, if anything? Any sage advice, or thoughts?

My mum learnt how to play a musical instrument at 75! She's not great, but she gets a lot of pleasure out of it.

I found myself in a similar situation when I turned 60. It has taken a couple of years but I am now spending quite a lot of time as a volunteer for a charity close to my heart. It has given me a new outlook - something meaningful and useful that doesn't cost anything. I have made new friends and together we are striving to make the world a better place. I will continue with this work as long as I am able to and it definitely does make the future feel a bit rosier for me. Having a purpose in life is very important to a general feeling of well-being.

It sounds like you are questioning your purpose in life, your existence and looking for what gives your life meaning. This is a difficult road and is often tread by people who feel things deeply.
your task is to find things that make you feel joy and connected to your authentic self & often the answer is to look within and to find a connection to something greater than yourself.
i would suggest going round and saying yes to every opportunity, (and maybe spiritual practices/philosophy) no matter how absurd it makes you feel, because once you know what you don’t want, you can more easily find what you do.
if you are a reader than the following books may help.
Victor Frankl - Man’s search for meaning
Simone De Beauvoir - The second sex
maybe books by Camus & Nietzsche - but they can be heavy going.
Lastly - volunteer for something. Anything. Brings connected part of a community is often all it takes.
Best of luck

There’s quite a good book called Life is Hard - can’t remember the author but he made a really good point about “telic” vs “atelic” activities (think I have that right). Anyway you need more of the atelic - you can’t “fail” at them, there is no goal as such. But great for wellbeing and peace of mind. Eg enjoying nature, painting for your own enjoyment. I know all about not hitting my marks, but nature always catches my fall. Good luck.

What an interesting concept. I have tried to shoehorn more attelic pastimes into my life like swimming, singing and volunteering. They shore me up when everything in my life is going to crap.

Excellent advice and probably a great read for everyone

Honestly that’s all balderdash and blabber, @Toffeelover. Do you think people have reached 60 odd without having read books or volunteered? If only it was as easy as that …

Struck by your post OP, and not sure the replies here really get it.

I’m similar though younger than you, in my 50s. I used to have a good life but allowing myself to be coerced into a catastrophic decision destroyed that. It took my home, country, friendships and livelihood. I’ve spent the best part of a decade trying to rebuild things and I’ve failed. I’ve picked myself up after each failure and disappointment and carried on but, after all these years of trying, if I look at things honestly, there isn’t really anyway of turning this around now. I don’t know what there is left to try. Like you, I used to feel I could build a better future, but I’ve lost that hope now.

Like you, the honest appraisal of each part of my life now, is that I’ve failed.

So I don’t have any words of advice, but I get it.

'Many days seem pointless' so, give each day a point. On a Monday, make a written plan for the week ahead where every day you must achieve something. It doesn't need to be grand ideas. Little jobs that need doing. Try to make one of those days a day where you help someone else who is probably feeling exactly like you. Just a message to someone you know or a post on here inviting a topic of discussion. Anything to distract us all from the horror of existence!

This is a really good thread I hope some of the suggestions help you OP.

Do you think people have reached 60 odd without having read books or volunteered? If only it was as easy as that …

It's not easy, but it is simple.

For those who feel they've failed - create new goals. Rewrite the terms of success. Okay, you're probably not going to make it to the top of a new career, but you could get a job that you enjoyed more. If you make realistic goals and meet them, you can start thinking of yourself as successful.

You could decide to make a friend this year. Join a club. Start a new hobby. Organise some day trips. Style a new look every week. Walk a neighbour's dog (or even better, get your own dog.) Start a book club. The possibilities are endless.

Research suggests that what makes life meaningful is our relationships and how we serve others. So focus on finding friendships and ways to serve people. Volunteering is not a bad idea at all. Going to church, if you're even vaguely Christian, can be a great way to meet people and find ways to contribute to communities.

This might sound cliched to some, but a gratitude journal can really help you find more to appreciate in your daily life. Training your brain to pay attention to small moments of joy and contentment is hugely beneficial and it's so easy to do - just five minutes at the end of the day, write down three things you're grateful for that day. They can be tiny things, anything that made you smile or lifted your heart. Seeing a new flower, a smile from someone you passed in the street, the feeling of sun on your skin, a new book, a nice bath, a moment of feeling calm, a good song on the radio... moments that seem so small and trivial, but if you have enough of them, you gradually realise your life is full of beautiful moments.

And again, think about trying magic mushrooms - they grow all over the place (be careful if you're going to pick your own!) and there's lots of research to suggest that they help with finding meaning and perspective on your life, as well as lifting depression. They have also been used in research with people facing the end of their lives, and seem to help change people's perspective on that, reducing anxiety and increasing their peace of mind.

I think we need more information from the OP as otherwise we may sound glib or trite.

I could fill a book with the catastrophic decisions I have made.

My first thought is that you may be depressed because you are focusing on the negatives in your life. To me, and obviously without knowing everything, you are a survivor. You have survived trauma, financial constraints, lack of support, bad luck, sensitivity and naivety, you have things to look forward to, and potentially can find more.

My first stop would be the GP. I think reaching mid sixties forces a period of reflection as people move into the ‘elders’ role (I’m approaching this myself) - as parents pass, careers draw to a close, health starts to decline, etc. and we become ‘the grown ups’ but it doesn’t mean an end to joy, or purpose, or contentment. If anything, we have more time to explore, rest, and engage with what we enjoy. I think you could do with a bit of support in real life through your GP, counselling, or through a friend/social support network (my MIL gets hers from her church community).