Can't sleep, ex-cocklodger turning up at 7a.m. says he wants some of his stuff back ... left here 11 months ago.

[chanceornochance]

Just that.

Woke at 4.30 with a start. Going over and over in my mind what he might do.

(Don't know how to link to my old thread when the power of mumsnet got me through the weeks when he finally left this time last year.)

He was an alcoholic, lived in my house way past his welcome, sent me message last night saying he'd be here at 7 a.m. to take some stuff he left behind when he moved out.

Like, no. I'm not giving him, e.g., a table he "agreed" I could keep. He took so much stuff I'd bought him and was a real nasty arse when he left, and in the lead up to leaving, threatening to dismantle things, dig plants out the garden etc.

Last night I just thought I'd say no, go away. Now I'm kind of scared. I don't want to see him, talk to him, listen to his threats.

Well done OP. Maybe prepare yourself emotionally for the chance he might come back later today, just in case (you may have caught him by surprise!); otherwise I hope that's the end of it.

Well done indeed OP.
also what an amazing thread, am touched and proud of how wonderful mn ers are.
I hope this is the end of it OP.

Well done OP. What an awful morning for you.

Yes, I wish I saw more of this sort of support on MN these days. We should be holding each other up more often instead of tearing each other down.

Thank you, everyone. So much. I feel like it's a kind of group-hug moment. I'll say it again, the genuine kindness and freely given support, the straight-up clear-eyed, generous and meaningful, measured advice, which I've just been lucky enough to receive has honestly, again, been a game changer. There was no one I could call on in real life, but the mumsnet massive was here for me, listening and being on my side. Thank you.🤗

I am going to call 101 and log it.

No valuable antiques (he wouldn't know one if it bit him on the arse), and nothing that isn't instantly, easily replaced. The table is nice, but he left it (in an absurd trade-off for some power tools I'd bought him; honestly, it's like a bad soap opera), plus a plant or two (yours from b&q for a tenner), and best of all some Christmas lights (which went to the charity shop in a dejunk of his bad energy).

Phew. Thank you.

@chanceornochance

put it on the step at 6.50.
with a note saying had to go to work

@Tallerandtall that could be a struggle unless OP is a time traveller

It would be, but has made me laugh.

Of course, if I were a time traveller I'd use that particular skill to give this particular prick the widest of all possible berths from the off.

What a start to the week.

I'd send one more message, tell him if he messages you again you will be seeking legal action/contacting the police and then block him

Charge him for watering his plants!

Anyway, well done.

That's an idea, if he does send you a lawyers letter, if you choose to reply you could charge a very reasonable £3 a week storage fees x 44 weeks = £132 for that table.

Wonder if he'd still want his table then if he has to pay for it, I think not. And if he does you can buy a new one.

will you consider blocking him now OP so he can't message you anymore?

@DeliciousApples - also a table maintenance fee of £2 a week as it needed cleaning etc.

and emotional damages for loss of said table?

Honestly if I were you I'd just send him a message saying the table and lights will be left outside for him to collect this evening. If they are not collected you'll take them to the tip/charity shop.

It's just stuff. My ex was being really fucking wierd about stuff when we split ... despite the fact he got so much of it. He came round once to ask for a kitchen utensil that he thought was "his". Must have been worth all of £3.

I just gave it all to him. I had zero interest in seeing anything in my new place that had anything to do with him. Anything that could remind me of him.
And yeah I had second hand stuff, stuff from relatives, borrowed from friends and charity shops for a while until I gradually built up a collection. Was totally worth it !

I remember your thread from last year. I just clicked on the link and saw your final post about the lovely birthday celebration you'd had for your daughter. It made me feel so happy for you.

I know this morning has been stressful but well done for keeping him gone and not engaging with him today.

Can I suggest you get a camera doorbell? We got one from Eufy Security, off Amazon for about £80. It's fantastic. You would have been able to talk to him through it, if he had come to the door, without ever having to go outside. It also records everything and buzzes your phone and I-watch if someone is at the door, or even on the drive. So if you went on holiday you would know if he was sniffing around. Best £80 we have ever spent, I think! In your shoes I'd get one for the front door and back gate.

@TheCatterall excellent idea!

Sorry you're going through this with that arse OP. But you will get through it.

I would also mention to the police that he was probably driving under the influence.

Glad you got through the “drive-by” OK, OP. Just want to say I think it sounds as though you’re doing great; Whenever you find yourself doubting yourself, remember how wonderful it felt when he left and how far you’ve come!

It looks like the time you were free of him broke any real hold and control he had over you. He tried to scrabble something of it back last night, pushing your buttons, pulling your strings, and for a while it worked, leaving you sleepless and scared, opening a door to bad memories.

Tbh I'd have advised against sitting in the garden; recommending locking yourselves in the house and ignoring the doorbell instead.

But it does seem your 'keep off my land' stance did the trick and deflated his balloon! Let you see him clearly as he really is, not the monster of before.

He'll probably drink himself into early oblivion - and you and your kids won't have to watch.

I agree, contact the police with a run down of exactly what happened - the behaviour that led you to eject him in the first place and his intimidation attempt today (probably driving while still under the influence, as it stays in your system overnight). Request a reference number for your report.

He may be backing off to reconsider tactics and try another angle.

Having that on file will establish a pattern of harassing behaviour.

All best to you and your family.

In my experience he was testing the water to see if there is any way back. The fact you were waiting and firm was enough to see him off. It’s never about ‘stuff’ 12 months on, he would have been back for that already. This about his regret and sounding you out.

Do you have a doorbell camera? We use the footage from these recordings often now. It’s also reassuring to have. If you haven’t already, alert your neighbours.
And you have logged it already as far as I can see with the police. You can consider applying for a restraining order too, if you feel afraid or threatened.

He is unlikely to want to get himself arrested so take away his power by blocking him on all platforms. His legal brief is likely to advise him that he has had 12 months to collect his table etc and it’s unlikely to be successful and will be extremely expensive for him to pursue.

Slightly separate issue but why don’t you anonymously report him for what must be drink driving if he is an alcoholic and driving?at least then he can’t come round in the car unless driving while disqualified- keep staying strong OP and reporting his threats

Just chiming in to say that, while this may be the case for landlords, it’s not the case in this scenario. He could take legal action if he wanted to and has six years to make a claim. I know from experience. Mine did several years after I kicked him out and it went all the way to court. It cost him far more (tens of thousands) than anything he wrongfully claimed was his was worth, but unfortunately the cost didn’t deter him because it was about control and intimidation. Hopefully your ex isn’t as batshit as mine but just something to keep in mind.

The only thing I would do is file a police report via 101 or email and include the fact that he's drink driving.

Dont bother with anything else and dont contact him

So an alcoholic drove into your road looking hungover. I'd be reporting him to the police as suspecting him being over the limit.

That'd serve him right!