Parent in 10yr olds room

[Phoenix75]

Hi, not sure if this should be in the parenting thread or the relationship one.

I'm looking for advice from other parents regarding a parent whose still sleeping in their child's room whose recently turned 10 and an only child.

I was asked recently by a friend of mine (M) whose partner (F) has been sleeping in the same room as their son for the last 4yrs and if this is normal!! He also mentioned that they hadn't had any sort of sexual contact in the last 3yrs.

I was completely taken aback by this because neither of them (I'm friends with both) have mentioned this, so I had to really watch what I said to him as l didn't want to upset him.

I said that it's not something I'd heard many parents do and does the child have difficulty sleeping? He said yes and their mum would stay in the room with them, but she stayed there all night and never returned to the martial bed!!

I can understand how horrible it is for parents when their kids find it difficult to get to sleep on their own. Of course when my kids were younger (toddlers) and they had difficulty falling asleep I of course stayed in their room until they fell asleep, but I then went into my own bed with my partner.

I think he feels that she's staying away because she no longer has feelings for him and he is struggling to deal with it.

I didn't want to upset him and just said that it would be best to discuss this with his partner, explaining how he's feeling, asking why she feels she needs to sleep the whole night in the child's room etc.

Has this happened to others and how common this is and if it isn't, can it be a symptom of something else, like a breakdown in feelings etc.

I've never been in this situation before so any advice would be great.

Thanks 😊

It's totally normal, my son didn't stop trying to sleep in my bed till he was about 10

9 maybe

When my marriage was falling apart I used co sleeping and sleeping in my child's room as a way to avoid my DH and any expectations he may have had. My child wasn't 10 though, and at that age it's probably unfair on them to use them in this way

@boredm but did you sleep the whole night in your child's room and never return to the bed you shared with your partner?

I completely understand about the child being unable to settle but my concern is that the mum is staying in the child's room while her husband is alone in their bed. Imagine if this was switched around and it was a husband doing it. It's not normal for a parent to stay in a 10 yr old the whole night.

@Deargodletitgo I moved my ex to the spare room when we were splitting up and didn't get my kids involved. However this has been going on for 4yrs and I also understand she's not trying to move out of the child's room. For once I'm actually siding with my male friend. I usually support my female friends but this just doesn't seem right.

Well yeah it gets to the point when the child is annoying doing this and you want away from them. I just think she must be more comfortable sleeping next to her child than her husband

Definitely reaching, but does he snore and she is using this rather than moving into the spare room to avoid it?

But why is it anyone's business? Let them sort it out, it's not illegal, but are you suggesting it's a safeguarding issue?
ND child particularly find it incredibly hard to fall asleep and I wouldn't say it was that rare for parents to sleep separately or for people to remain married even if they are no longer having a sexual relationship.

What was the motive for you posting about this? Doesn't seem anything you need to involve yourself in?

Sounds like she's doing it to avoid sex, and a conversation about it

@tearingitu I'm asking because my friend asked me for advice. I gave him the best I could at the time. However he will probably speak to me again about it and as I've never been in that situation I thought I'd ask on here for other people's experiences regarding this.

You’re not « in this situation », OP. Your friend is, and it’s up to him to sort it. He needs to have a serious chat with his DW.

@Nomoredamnmats I'm not in it but he's asked me for advice. However I'm also very curious as to whether this is normal or is it to do with a breakdown in the relationship. He will also come back to me asking for further advice so better to have some knowledge of similar situations.

@BestZebbie l don't think so, but it's very extreme if he is. My partner snores but l don't sleep in my kids room to get away from it, l actually go to the spare room if it gets too much 😂😂

@HawkTuah I was totally shocked by the not having sex part, completely threw me. I didn't really respond to that part in my advice. However I know I stopped having sex with my now ex 2yrs before we split up.

He's asked you for your advice, but surely he doesn't expect you to go and research on mumsnet what your thoughts are?
Surely your advice would be, it's his marriage, only he can decide what he wants from that marriage and to discuss this with his wife to see what she thinks about where they have ended up.

This isn't a problem like a blocked loo where you can go online and find an answer. Marriage is between two people and I imagine each marriage is very different to another. It doesn't sound like an abusive relationship, so not need to be anything more than a friendly ear and to re-direct him back to his wife to talk about it with her.

The co-sleeping thing - entirely normal. The no sex thing - an issue.

@tearingitu I'm also very curious because I nor any of my close female friends have ever slept in our child's room for 4 yrs continuously and still do so when the child is 10!! As you will have read in my initial post I said he should speak to his wife about his feelings etc. I am now very worried that my friend may be heading for a broken relationship, however it's not my place to interfere but l can still ask an online forum whether the co sleeping at 10 is normal along with the no sex in 3yrs!!

I know of an 11 year old lad that still sleeps in with his mum and step dad (not sure if in their bed or just same room). But that's his choice rather than theirs as he prefers it to sleeping alone in his own room. He is very neuro diverse though, I can't imagine many nt kids of that age wanting their parents in their bed with them every night.

It's very likely causing/a symptom of an enmeshed parent-child relationship and it won't be doing their son any good at all. It's likely to cause him all sorts of issues in his relationships in his adulthood. Suggest your friend reads up on enmeshed relationships.

The co-sleeping is fine- my 10 year old daughter often still sleeps with me, but not every night and I do have time with my OH.

Yes, but you repeated say in your OP that you are looking for advice, rather than you are just curious about the situation and gauging if this is the norm or not.

Families and marriages are all different and they all 'work' differently.
It's up the the couple in question to think about their own marriage. As you are friends with both of the married couple just be aware you are only getting his version and also don't get sucked into interfering or him triangulating using your advice against her.
Most of my friends will talk about a relationship problem with me (whether that is will colleagues, family or spouse, neighbours etc) but I wouldn't ask on MN on their behalf unless they asked me to. It's a bit unfair.

Best not to read too much into it.

My Dd slept with us until she was 13.

She’s ND though.

You sound a bit too involved in this tbh!
My Dd is almost 6 and still sleeps with us, Dh and I take it in turns to do bedtime then fall asleep with her…it’s no biggie.
Do you have feelings for your male friend….

I co-slept till at least 10 with all 3 kids. They took it in turns. Dh turfed out ages ago due to massive snoring issues. We're still together but I can't share a room with him. Kids are older teens now so no more co-sleeping and I get a bed to myself ♥️. I'd say they were about 12-13 when they stopped. The last time my eldest son slept in my bed he was 15 and he had a GCSE the next day which he was very nervous about (in Y10) and was unable to sleep so he ended up sleeping in my room. Some people might think that's child abuse but I wasn't cuddling him, he just needed the company and maybe some even breathing to help him be calm. By 16 and actual GCSEs he would come for a midnight chat and then go back up to his own room. Same now for A levels. Being close to mum is calming somehow.