Those who stayed after cheated

[TaupeLeader]

Want to hear personal experiences as opposed to opinions. Boyfriend added a few random girls and initiated conversations and whilst nothing sexual was exchanged there was clearly an undertone to it. He hid it from me too. We were already going through rocky patch and this really hit the nail on the head so we’ve pretty much been broken up past 2 weeks. Want to hear stories if anyones been through similar or worse and came out stronger the other end as I have so many doubts. Been together almost 7 years.

Do you have children with him?

No children yet just a house

In my experience you can forgive, but trust me you do not forget, it usually happens again and you feel awful about yourself. It’s such a knock to self-esteem.

my honest advice would be to cut your losses. You have been going through a rocky patch, now this. This is not a relationship for the future. Sorry not what you want to hear!

I’m reconciled.

You have to fundamentally rewrite your relationship. You have to become pragmatic and really consider which route to take to manage the worst of the damage especially with children. You live knowing exactly what your partner is capable of. Your partner has to move heaven and earth to rebuild trust and become a safe partner for you. It is a hard and difficult journey. I undertook it because the joy I got from my family unit out weighed all the bad and I believed he could do and be better. But I took a HUGE risk as most will repeat their behaviours.

When I was younger and without kids I was cheated on by two different long term partners. I walked STRAIGHT AWAY. Both carried on cheating into the next relationship.

He’s showed you who he is? Is there really anything worth salvaging here and why would you put yourself through it? Love isn’t reason enough.

I would walk away, OP. You deserve better.

Sunk cost fallacy applies here. The 7 years and the house are nothing when weighed against the rest of your life.

I never trusted him again but then I decided I didn't trust myself either especially if alcohol was involved. So I decided in other circumstances I could have acted like him. Both human and daft. So we continued and now have been married nearly 50 years. Give it time. Seven year itch. He scratched it but we healed.

I went through it after 26 years of marriage. I loved him, didn't want to throw it all away and tried to go on (after outrageous arguments, tears and trauma obviously).

We struggled on for a bit but it was like a broken Ming Vase, all shattered in pieces and could never be the same again. As another poster said, you never forget. It's always there and sometimes hits you so hard when you least expect it.

I'd cut your losses now if I was you.

I forgave cheating and he did it again a few years later when we had a child. I realise now I never trusted him since the first time, not properly.

If someone breaks my trust thats it, now. Not worth it...plenty more fish in the sea who won't do it to you.

I would recommend to you the websites Surviving Infidelity and Baggage Reclaim along with the books How To Help Your Spouse Health From Your Affair and Not Just Friends. However, given that you are young and not married and don't have children I would simply walk away.

His behaviour indicates a massive lack of respect for you and a loose sense of commitment to you and your relationship. You are worth more than this.

If you are happy staying with someone who doesn’t love you then crack on

When I was 20 my father had an affair with a younger woman. He had been married to my mum for about 23 years. He said he loved the other woman and was going to leave. I don’t know why but he stayed. My parents are still together and have been married now for 56 years. The last 25+ years they have been very happy.

Not me, but my good friend’s husband cheated. They had 3 kids and a nice home so she forgave him to try to stay married but he cheated again. After his second affair (that my friend knew about) they divorced and he married his affair partner. Predictably he cheated on her so they are also divorced now. It’s 20 years ago but friend has never dated anyone since her divorce because he put her through hell.

My advice is to end the relationship, sell the house and start again. He’s a liar and a cheat.

Go to chumplady.com to see what happens to most people who stayed. Spoiler alert; the cheater did it again.
You will also see inspiring stories of breaking free and finding a better life.

7 years is a short period for him to be doing this.

No kids equals dump and move on for me.

This right here 👏

You have SO much life left to live. There's a saying that goes "don't cling onto a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it".

You have no kids, the only issue at hand is the house, but that can be easily resolved. Sell it and move on.

If you stay, what happens the next time you guys go through a rocky patch? Is he going to message other girls again, or worse?

You deserve more and I hope you find the courage to walk away from him. It's never easy to end a long-term relationship, and it sounds cliche, but it really does get better.

I stayed, only for him to do it again. All the time insinuating I was crazy and unreasonable. I just kicked him out tonight because I found out he was doing it again.

The trust doesnt come back. You end up an unpaid detective with anxiety issues. Small stuff triggers you. Every female is a threat. You worry when you arent together what hes doing..when hes on his phone infront of you you feel anxious. You will bring it up everytime you disagree. He has shown you he has it in him to cheat and put his nice energy into another person whilst your getting his crap moods. You may be in a bad patch. But if he had time to flirt and charm someone else why wasnt he doing things to reconnect his bond with you. Imagine if hed complimented you and given you more attention instead of popping on instagram to look at a filtered chick.

Hello OP
i stayed, after an affair although I found out about it when it was already done and dusted
Unmarried no kids at the time, still unmarried but one DC

Im not going to lie to you OP, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. However it has been worth it
takes work from both you and your partner though

counselling individually for the both of you definitely! if you can afford it that is
there are books too about

There are lots of online resources too although some of them I find a bit weird can’t put my finger on
also with the online stuff you have so many people who are in the process of reconciling it can be hard to find the experiences of the people who have done it because they often move away from the forums

surviving infidelity.com is one of the websites I find a bit intimidating BUT in their reconciliation forum you will find Positive Reconciliation Stories and that really helps

on Reddit As One After Infidelity is reconciliation focused too

it seems that when the cheating partners do the work in reconciliation, rates of relapse are low because they’ve addressed the issues in themselves that led to the cheating. Which is never your fault!

so sorry you’re going through this OP. Only you can decide if it is worth trying reconciliation. For me it was as the good in my partner outweighed his bad x

My ex lost the spark for me. He still loved me but he didn’t know what he wanted. So he cheated on me, I don’t know to what extent but there was definitely kissing and texting, the other woman ended up telling me - I stayed with him, because I still loved him, I didn’t want it to have happened ! But it broke my trust, made me paranoid and just completely broke up our relationship so they we spilt. I don’t think you can ever repair it, unless you really do forgive and they work with you to make sure your head space is okay.

If someone truly loves you, they don’t cheat. Genuine, deep, spiritual love for someone makes it absolutely impossible for you to hurt someone in this way. It would rip your own soul apart.

What most people think is love is actually attachment. They might think it’s love. They might say it’s love. But it’s conditional. They love their home life, the familiarity, the comfort, the convenience, the image, how you make them feel, the companionship. But it is not actual love. Sorry but no one will ever convince me otherwise. Which is why I could never stay with someone who did that to me. It drives people mad trying to get their head around two completely opposing ideas… he ‘loves’ me, yet he hurt, betrayed, and disrespected me in the worst possible way… because it doesn’t make sense, it’s impossible for it to.

It depends what kind of love and relationship you want, at the end of the day. And how far you are able to maintain that level of cognitive dissonance.

Since you asked, my experience (of a cheating ex-husband) means I know that you will never be able to trust him again, so your relationship is at best a limping, lurching zombie of a relationship that’ll shamble along and really needs a baseball bat taken to it. It’s absolutely no way to live and any time and effort you throw into trying to savage things will be a waste - don’t get sucked into the sunk costs fallacy.

My opinion, which you don’t want but I’m going to give, is that you need to dump this duplicitous, spineless weasel of a man and get on with the rest of your life.

Walk away. Like others have said, you will forgive (or so you think) but you will never forget. Once that trust is broken it's done. He's proved its well within his capabilities to do this to you and if presented with the opportunity, he will do it again. But this time he will hide it better.
You'll find yourself riddled with anxiety and paranoia and that's not a life you want to live. Honestly I'm a big believer in if you truly love someone you wouldn't do that to a person. I loved a man so much I would never. I could never. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

He managed it though. Tried to make it work for nearly two more years. In the end it just wasn't worth it. He actually didn't make it better like he promised he would.

You will be absolutely fine. Know your worth and keep moving forward. X

Excellent points and I agree with all.

I’ve been through this, and I’ll give you one piece of advice. Leave. You can paper over the cracks, go to counselling, do all the rebonding blah blah blah, but you will never ever trust him again. The person you love and trust most in the world has betrayed you. And I will never again have such low self-esteem that I thought he was the best I could get. Enough of these low quality men. You’re too good for that. Go and find one who every morning thanks his lucky stars that he has you, not one who had been sticking his penis into other women just because he can.

@TaupeLeader

Look - I think in your case - there was no cheating. But as the relationship is on the rocks - I think figuring out if you actually want to be together is the main thing.
7 years is a long time. And I think at this junction - most couples are considering if they are going to really commit long term - and get married and have kids. Or not. Your "being on the rocks" - I presume is about that, more than anything.

Personally - I don't think that decision should be based on his adding few women on SM and chatting to them about non-sexual things. (as it appears in your post). You used this as a reason to break up now - and maybe you needed a push. IF you do not want to be with him because you do not see the future - fair enough. You don't need an excuse.
What about him. What was his reaction to the whole situation?