GF blowing hot and cold

[FloydPink]

Really not sure how to handle this.

both late 40s and been together a year. Overall it’s been good and no problems like money, kids etc… we have had a few issues this year relating to what we both want (in an ideal world I would like to move in together but she is less certain (but does blow hot and cold on that). She has questioned our relationship in terms of is this what she wants but when it gets to that we both realise things are good.

anyway, have had a great few weeks, things been really good, amazing sex, days out, she has mentioned maybe a holiday with just us two and a weekend away.

but then this week she blows cold again. Tues is a child free night for both, I go round, she is tired and I leave at 9. Ok, fair enough, it happens. Messages are ok the next few days but seems a bit distant. Watch footie thurs night as her daughter really wanted to so that was nice but a “family night”. On weds she drops In that she is going to see her dad at weekend which is fine and supposed to do something Friday which is child free night for both but she cancels at 6pm saying she just wants to chill. Is a little
mote distant on messages and when I ask her to pop in on way home she says “maybe”.

Really have no idea whether to again ask to see her and raise this knowing it may be mountain out of molehill, or to just go a bit more quiet and distant myself. When things are good they are amazing but she does go a bit distant at times and then quite full on (I tend to be more full on most of the time ).

I am more of a planner and do need to know re my kids what is happening so I can try to fit them in too (although both sets of kids are 14-18 so self sufficient) rather than work on a whim (happy with a bit of both).

for example she has a bbq invite this weekend and I don’t know if I am a plus one or not.

Some real adult advice there 🙄

It sounds to me like she's just wanting some more space to herself tbh.

I mean a teenager free night sounds great for a netflix binge. And sometimes you just don't want company for that. Especially if it always has to include sex.

She may be reaching the menopause now too and so just need more space.

Have an open dialogue of 'do you just want some me-time tonight or shall shall visit?'.

Everyone needs space.
It's not necessarily blowing cold.
But you do need to communicate better.

That being said, I'd assume you are fun time friends not progressing necessarily to living together etc. That's just a feeling on my part. At 40 with teens...I'd be looking forwards to a place of my own when they went to uni. Maybe she is reluctant to take in a man because she's realised she appreciates space and freedom.

It wouldn't mean she doesn't care. Just, that she has other needs that are more important to her.

Give her space. But open a dialogue about things too.

Match her energy, don’t go out of your way to contact her.
you should make your own plans and not worry about her

OK but what's the added 'test' nonsense?
Its shit stirring.

She could be cheating, you never know. But even still...that wouldn't make her behaviour a test.

I mean if there was extra info where she blew nice to nasty then that might change things.

But as is it just seems like she's needing some more time to herself. That doesn't seem necessarily game play-ie.

Don’t play games. Focus on your kids and you for now. Less is more, but it doesn’t need to be pushed.

And if she said she just needed some time to herself but gave some reassurance back like “but let’s spend a weekend together next weekend “ or that she needs quiet time but to “keep next Tuesday night free” then that would be fine.

Not really measured it but it seems
like 1 or 2 good weeks then colder.

If its 2 weeks a month, could be hormone related. However, we all have a brain that can override hormones and most of us know not to be inconsiderate regardless, so it's not a valid excuse and she should give that as a reason if so.
You could try asking her why she goes hot and cold? She might tell you, or she could deny, in which case that is gaslighting the experience from your end.
I'm surprised you've hung in there, if someone was so lais e fair about seeing me, I'd of lost interest. I'd take it that they have too if they kept cancelling on me, just saying tired - it's not the best reason.
Step back, plan your own things to do, if she is the type to ask you out with just a day or twos notice ( which would drive me mad) just say you're busy if you have made plans prior.
She doesn't sound like a long term prospect, so it's important to keep up with your family and friends, and cut out the full on in between. She might be feeling you're a bit much if full on, and need the break, come to think of it. How do you go about your 'full on' behaviour?

I did this when I had a boyfriend years ago my mum got dignosed with cancer and at times I hated him and I didn’t even know why I think it was just feeling out of control in life I wrongly tried to control that situation (in a very bad way) we broke up and I had a lot worst relationships faster but I do regret how I treated him at that time. Maybe it’s how she is wrongly with life it can be hard and confusing at times a conversation openly can fix a lot even if not the outcome you want I wish you luck 🥰

Not the same as that but maybe some similarities.

just had a call with her and basically we want different things. She said she is happy seeing me 1-2 times a week, she know I want more. Then does the old friend thing…

if it was consistent then I get it, the the way we were over last weekend and a couple of weekends before that.

Your GF sounds rather like me 🙁 I know my GF (both female) feels I blow hot and cold and I can be rather distant and moody at times. But I know it's linked to my cycle/ perimenopause, and she gets this and knows when to give me space. I know it's difficult for her to understand it's not about her though.

Not sure what the answer is 🤷‍♀️ Have you tried talking to her in a non judgmental way about how she's feeling?

I think you should take some space as you both want different things

Yeah and sent her a message in the night as couldn’t sleep. But she says that this proves her heart isn’t in it and wants to back off. She said she would love to pop in a couple of times a week with no expectation and that a proper girlfriend wouldn’t keep changing her mind.

the bit I can’t get my head round is the extremes. 10 days ago she comes round and is all over me, have amazing sex multiple times (and apologies for the detail but you can’t fake, or I don’t think you can, how wet someone becomes and if she is faking then She deserves an Oscar. That weekend she does talk about a weekend away or a week away after school hols.

go back a few weeks and it was similar. Was a bit distant but then we have a great week. But this time she does seem more certain

Would you mind going into detail about how your feelings change linked to the menopause? I know she has started or is at least peri.

It sounds like she wants to keep it casual. Maybe a couple of times a week to hang out, good sex etc. she doesn't want commitment and she doesn't want to feel like she has to consider you in her day to day plans.

That's completely fine. But if that's not what you want, it's also completely fine for you to say that what she's offering isn't enough.

It just sounds like you like each other, have great chemistry, but want different things. Bear in mind that a lot of women feel strongly that after a relationship breaks down, they don't want to live with a man again or be beholden in that way. This can often be particlarly true if the previous relationship was at all abusive or controlling. It's a protection mechanism.

I don't think it's that difficult to understand. She likes you, she enjoys having sex with you, she just doesn't want a relationship with you. Not sure where the confusion comes in.

That being said, if she started talking about friendship... she may not even want casual. She might just be friendzoning you. But perhaps that's because she thinks you don't want something casual.

Would you be open to fwb?
Or, realistically, would your feelings/views not allow for that?

With mine we communicate. Not seeing each other tonight - we are going out Saturday night and he staying here Friday night just home and stayed late on the Saturday but the offer was there to stay or not - he wanted to get back and it was fine. BBQ wise assume you aren’t going but tell her this eg if you tell me things like bbq I’m happy to come with if I can but equally know you want time with you friends on your own or down time 😀either is fine

@FloydPink it's difficult to explain but basically it can make me feel like a different person. I can have a lovely weekend with my GF, happy, really lin love. Yet a few days later I'll wake up feeling either full of internal rage when everyone and everything irritates me. I know inside that it's just my hormones but I can't seem to snap out of it, so the best thing I can do is just be on my own until the feeling passes. It's really hard for my GF , but shes also been through it so it's easier for her to understand. It honestly makes you feel like you're going crazy 😫

I think long term I do want to settle and be in a normal relationship. Do I want the casual fwb. No, I enjoy being a couple and the companionship as well as the sex.

but, maybe that’s the way to see how it goes. Either it stays like that and I won’t be happy or things get back to how they have been in the past.

Defiantly no bad relationships. Her previous one was ended by him and I think she saw that as her future, wanted to move in with him at some point in future. Did not get any hang ups around this and she seemed to want to spend a lot of time with me.

maybe the honeymoon period has worn off a bit and not thinking about someone else (like
what to do at weekend) and keeping it more casual is what she wants.

You want more than she does, it seems pretty simple to me. I'm now married and totally loved up but I was a single parent for years in my 20's/30's and I had no real interest in settling down but I did enjoy dating. I had fantastic sex with a guy I dated for almost a year, as soon as he started talking about moving it etc I was out of there, it is absolutely possible for women to get turned on/wet and have great sex with a man they don't want to be in a longterm relationship with. I imagine she has enjoyed her time with you but you're looking to move in together whereas she doesn't seem keen so she's pulling away from you. Let her go, you will hopefully meet someone who wants the same as you

Funny thing is that we had both said that would suit us in the medium term and she would send me a link of a house for sale saying could we afford that. Maybe its just cold feet now, as it gets more serious it becomes more realistic whereas earlier on its more fantasy.

I am just finding it hard to adjust and accept, as normally I have experienced arguments and things just not being right before it ends. Last Thursday we were watching the football, larking around and just really close, so it's like something has just flipped.