GF blowing hot and cold

[FloydPink]

Really not sure how to handle this.

both late 40s and been together a year. Overall it’s been good and no problems like money, kids etc… we have had a few issues this year relating to what we both want (in an ideal world I would like to move in together but she is less certain (but does blow hot and cold on that). She has questioned our relationship in terms of is this what she wants but when it gets to that we both realise things are good.

anyway, have had a great few weeks, things been really good, amazing sex, days out, she has mentioned maybe a holiday with just us two and a weekend away.

but then this week she blows cold again. Tues is a child free night for both, I go round, she is tired and I leave at 9. Ok, fair enough, it happens. Messages are ok the next few days but seems a bit distant. Watch footie thurs night as her daughter really wanted to so that was nice but a “family night”. On weds she drops In that she is going to see her dad at weekend which is fine and supposed to do something Friday which is child free night for both but she cancels at 6pm saying she just wants to chill. Is a little
mote distant on messages and when I ask her to pop in on way home she says “maybe”.

Really have no idea whether to again ask to see her and raise this knowing it may be mountain out of molehill, or to just go a bit more quiet and distant myself. When things are good they are amazing but she does go a bit distant at times and then quite full on (I tend to be more full on most of the time ).

I am more of a planner and do need to know re my kids what is happening so I can try to fit them in too (although both sets of kids are 14-18 so self sufficient) rather than work on a whim (happy with a bit of both).

for example she has a bbq invite this weekend and I don’t know if I am a plus one or not.

So after a week where the messaging was cut back and only saw each other once. We did go out for a walk Sunday. As friends and that seemed that.

we had a day out in London pre planned for yesterday so we went ahead with that. All laughs and giggles on train down. Few hugs and a couple of pecks.

held hands all through London and when we were sat down one (or 90% of time both) was stroking the others leg, head etc. all flirty and attentive. Some proper kissing. Then on the train back it was like a couple of teenagers. She was saying that she has tried hard not to do this but feels this magnetism and can’t help it. I am the same. Missed me like crazy, can’t keep hands off me. When she dropped me off she then said that she really wanted to come in with me but would lead to her staying over and that she shouldn’t (so why tell me then!!). I did ask but to be fair it was late and both up early for work.

then a bombshell, she says the next night she is going to her sisters at weekend (i knew that) but was going to pop in and see her ex before and wanted to be open with me.

she had said a couple of months ago she had feelings for him and did meet a couple of times (which I knew about) and it seemed that she decided that ship had sailed and I was the one. But since then it turns out she can’t get him out of her head and that is why it’s hot then cold. Guilt from all angles.

so she was supposed to be supporting me in a run yesterday. But was 3+ hours away. Then I get a message saying good luck, I reply and she says she has left and may see me at finish line. I come round the last bend and she is there. She said she had to see me finish and drove faster than she should to do that.

she pops over later and says that he has gone away for 2 weeks and she wants to see if she misses him but thinks she needs to give it another go there. Even though she admits we have a connection and chemistry. We have a kiss and hugs and both upset. I told her she needs to tell me she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be with me but she won’t. She just says she needs to give it a go with him probably and can’t move on with us due to the guilt and hot/cold.

we sort of agreed to not message and we are both normally rubbish at sticking to it. Am in bits. The love I feel for her is nothing I have experienced before. Sadly due to joint friends etc our paths will cross in the future but part of me wants to do the whole delete, block etc but another part of me just wants to message her later in the week and see how she is and if this is what she wants?

Did you post a few months ago about her trying to choose between you and her ex? It sounds like she likes you, but she also has feelings for her ex. I think it's probalby better if you just move on because this could go on for months (already has if you're the poster I'm thinking about) and that's not going to work for you.

Yes, had done. That's when I thought it was over initially. She said she still had feelings there but, when she did meet him it didn't seem to click and we both missed each other loads so she said to him it wasn't going anywhere and we were sort of back together.

That said, it always felt a bit up and down due to the hot and cold, which seems to be she hadn't got him out her system (I thought initially it was more about re-adjusting to things). I didnt put any pressure on but with hindsight I should have insisted that she block him and remove from FB but I am not that sort of person. They were chatting, she would love to be friends with either of us if she chose the other (having cake and eating it) and over a period of time would feel guilt and question it again.

But, it almost seems to change daily - and thats why I am hanging on. It's almost like she is waiting for one of us to walk away and neither are. She has said (and I believe her on this) that if she was with someone else and not me it would be an easy choice for him, but if he wasn't around then she can see a future for us. So if I hang in, I have a chance, if I walk away then it's 100% lost.

In any other relationship I would have walked early - no question. But whenever I think block and move on I cant.

I didnt put any pressure on but with hindsight I should have insisted that she block him and remove from FB but I am not that sort of person.

Good, because you have no right to do that and it won't change how she feels.

Fine, its up to you - if you're not willing to walk away, fine. But you are goign to have to stop second guessing everything because the answer is always going to be, "she's conflicted and hasn't decided if she wants to be with you or her ex". So fi you can accept that, great. But there really is no point in second guessing or overanalysing. Accept it and wait for her to make her choice, or move on.