How to do what feels too hard

[Howhowhowhowhmmm]

4 year relationship. I have been to 3 therapists who have helped me sound off but ive never been able to part ways.

I know im unhappy and do not trust my boyfriend. I know my brain has rewired to accept crumbs. We dont live together. I am independant. Have two kids that he does not see.

Its been horrible. My parents are married and my mum has been hard for me to feel myself around over the years but theres no sad history in my life that would explain me settling for this

Im 35. Hes 51. When we met he was working full time. Earning great money. He fed me the crap so i felt special. He had told me he had struggled his whole life. Hes had some terrible times. Hes halfway through getting support for potential ptsd. Hes actually realised in the last few months he needs help.

Theres a nice side to him. But he has a low quiet depressed side and a very moody cold side. I have become his leaning post. Finanically and emotionally. He takes the piss with money. He is no longer working. Hes constantly going through a negative cycle.

Theres so many stories. I think some of you would be shocked and cry at the things ive become numb to. I know he keeps alot from me. He does drugs and thinks im dumb enough to believe him when he denys it. I know that he speaks to people i give a wide birth too. He knows all the dodgy people.

I think at this point im just humouring him. I know theres no future. Hes always in too much pain for sex. He has no job or car. In 4 years hes never spent a penny on me on my birthday. We have no clear anniversary date because hes been and gone 3 times.

Theres so much stuff. I just cannot get the strength to end it. I feel too much guilt and he always needs my support.

I know reading this will annoy people. But im in so much emotional pain. I cant see a way out and i hate it.

You don’t really need a lot of strength to end it. You simply need enough energy for a few minutes phone call and tell him it’s not working out for you.

Honestly, there’s so much misery in your post. You absolutely cannot settle for this. I know your kids don’t see him but they see you stressing out about him. OP you’ve got one precious life and there’s a whole world out there. You simply do not have to support this man who doesn’t support you. Rip off the band aid and call him today.

PLenty of people have stayed too long in a bad relationship, so stop feeling foolish for doing that. And lose the guilt. He's had 15 years more than you to sort is shit. The only person responsible for his woes is him. He's a grown up.

You know he's a waste of space. At least you don't let him near your dcs and you haven't let him move in. You are financially independent. All of these show you have a strong core of common sense and self-preservation.

I think you should concentrate on having a really good summer with your dcs. Take time to go on days out, enjoy the weather. Eat ice creams and play. Improve how you feel about the rest of your life.

When the rest of your life feels really happy and positive, you'll find the strength to tell him that he doesn't make you happy, and you're walking away. (When you do, it will feel really good.)

Good luck x

Hes not your child, he’s an adult nearly old enough to be your father. You are not his nanny or his paid care assistant or his big sister. You don’t have to put up with toddler tantrums or teenage moods. You seem stuck in a strange care arrangement that you have mistaken for a relationship.

What would you tell your daughter to do if she was to write this in the future? Find the energy, grasp it with 2 hands, and make the change.

Its so strange. I have a great life away from him ive protected. He lives in a flat above a cafe. Hes using the sofa, bed and tv stand that was already there. Hes never bought anything for that flat. Its run down and he will take anything for free. I live in a rented modern bungalow with a nice garden. Ive bought my furniture etc. I go to work 4 shifts a week (30 hours)

Recently i said i was going to get a provisional and learn to drive. Now hes pushing that he will buy us a car to share as hes due a tax rebate. He cant afford to run it. I dont want to share a car with him. I want to buy my own car for me and my children. I have approx £15,000 in savings and he keeps telling me i spend enough on him and myself and he does not want me to use that money. I bought a £130 grass cutter last week. He told me he doesnt like that im spending money. Its my money and he has absoloutely none. So i dont understand him with this.

He snapped at me and went home friday night because his dd rings him all the time to complain her step grandma doesnt want her to talk to him. I said his family is a broken record as this is always an issue! He said i was out of order.

Im taking my kids for a picnic today. I am trying to leave him behind. Its just hard.

On the money thing, it's about control.

You are spending your money on your nice ordered life, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want you making decisions, he wants you reliant on him. He's said he will buy you a car but will it be what you want? I doubt it very much. He wants to make that decision and then leave you with the costs of insurance & repairs. My df fought to prevent my dm taking her test because it made her more independent and easier for her to leave him. Your boyfriend can feel you slipping out of his control.

Pass your test and make your choice of car your xmas present to yourself and your children. 🙂

Tell him to get lost.
You have your children, job and savings.
He has no right to tell you how to spend or what on.
Do not share a car as he will probably sell ot for drugs.
Get rid of this Burden.
Block his number, he is own victim.
I think single parents become a target to broken men who love to control & breadcrumbs are not worthy.
Just get out.
No therapy can make you be ok with yourself in a messed up relatipnship.
Ditch and find someone healthy, happy, uplifting.
Get strong. How bloody misrable of a existence.
Are you not allowed friends as well?

Can you reframe it that your DC need you more than him and you owe it to them to see a Mum who is happy?

Without him in your lift you will have more emotional and financial capacity and they deserve that.

Also hos family issues are his, nit your problem.
Call him and say its over.
Block.
Dont visit i am no longer interested.
Get on with your life.

Enjoy your picnic, after that realise how you feel spending time alone with others besides him
Look at your photos on your phone..i bet the happiest is when he is not there., that was my realisation.

Where are your feelings of guilt coming from?

Do you feel like he needs you? And that's why you can't leave him?

Why do you put him first and not yourself?

It’s not actually that hard.

He doesn’t provide anything. You don’t live with him.

When people split there’s usually upsides and downsides. But here there’s no downsides. You won’t be left financially vulnerable, you won’t have to move out etc.

Your life barely involves him. You have a whole happy life without him.

The only reason you ar changing on, I would guess is that he is company (shit company but company all the same) to fill in time when you have nothing else to do. I can’t see any other reason you would be entertaining him at all.

It's interesting and happy to see that you have managed to keep him out of your kids lives.
Somewhere deep inside you know that he would not be a positive influence on their lives.
The kindest thing for yourself and your family is to let him go, unburden yourself from all the stress and Crap you have been dealing with and be free.
It will be hard, however I believe that once you say those words out loud you will be strong enough to see it through and go live your life 🩷

Someone wise told me once only be with someone who enriches your life.

This man makes you utterly miserable and your DCs will see you miserable and wont understand why.

I think it will be a massive relief to end it with him. All you need to do is tell him it’s no longer working for you, its over and you wish him well. Then block him. Do it and then make some nice plans with your DCs. Keep yourself busy. Are you going away over summer for a holiday?

You have no ties to him. Let him go otherwise he’s just dragging you down as well. You are not responsible for him.

I feel responsible for him as hes that mentally unwell he has dark thoughts and hes that dependant on me finanicially without me he will be stuck for food fags and the internet. This is when he contacts me when we are splitting up and im trying to move on he will message because hes starving has no fags etc. Hes not lying either. He lives of £750 a month so he cant afford to smoke. Its selfish that he does.he gets through a 30g pack lf sterling every 2 days. So thats £60 a week. Then twice a month i buy him a food shop. I usually end up putting his internet back on too or his depression ramps up when he cant watch tele.

He has been on dating apps under fake names and allsorts since weve been together. So when we arent together my brain presumes i cannot trust him. I dont like his flat anymore. It used to be a place for us. Now its become a place i look for lies. Hairs on his sofa. New stuff apppearing in his house. I think he buys stuff of a thief because hes got hotel towels and a set of tea towels from a random village museum. He had a pot noodle in his cupboard this week. Hes always told me they are gross..but i know hes been having a dodgy lad stay over sometimes too. Not sure what hes hiding half the time. But my brain has gone into some sort of protective detective state and i dont know whats real and whats my brain.

He sounds like a deeply dysfunctional person who is clearly using you for money and as an emotional crutch.

You’ve wasted the first half of your 30s with this loser. Don’t waste anymore years on him.

One short conversation is all you need. Tell him this isn’t working for you and its over. It really doesn’t sound like much of a relationship anyway.

Block him. Enjoy your life.

Me and the kids have 2 nights away in august so it will be 3 days at the beach. Im.always enjoying life more when hed not around. When hes around its just netfix and going to bed at 7pm as hes tired. Allthough his sleep changes and now hes up all night again.

He keeps wanting to see my kids and i dont feel comfortable with it so ive always refused. He will let them down. Hes not going to be fun or take us out. He will be up and down with us. So theres no point in my eyes. He barely asks about them. But when he does make comments on them its usually because the house looks a little lived in when they have had their time with me. They mess my sofas up. Get crumbs on stuff and toys out. They are 6 and 8.5. So to me its normal. Takes half hour to sort out. He will say i wouldnt have it my kids never would have been allowed to mess up the sofa. But his kids were abused by their mother who was a violent drunk and he left the family home when they were in later years of primary school.

That does make sense. I dont need him for anything. He has been on about us going to spain with his tax money then as soon as i said about driving he said pick a holiday or car. We cant have both. Well i thought the car thing was a me thing and nothing to do with his finances. Then he said it has to be a ford. He hates fords but said that will be the cheapest option. He sensed me going quiet and got quite forceful with his opinion. He said to register in his name for cheapness but to my address. I know he has utility debts so im not keen on that.

The thing is i dont want him to have a car because i dont trust him. He will use it as a way to cheat or go further to buy drugs. I dont like the next case of issues it will open.

Sorry to be blunt about it, but this absolute waster has been using you for years. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t appreciate you, he doesn’t sound kind or like he contributes in any equal way.

He’s clearly a liar and the biggest lie he has you believing is that you are in some way responsible for him. Cut him off and he can figure out another way to grift his food, fags and tele while he criticizes the state of his own flat.

Meanwhile you should enrol in the Freedom Programme and start enjoying your life with your kids without him.

Don't feel guilty about him.

In fact, you subsidising his lifestyle means he has no incentive to change. It's actively enabling him to live an unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled life.

Reframe it that way.

You leaving him will mean he has to grow up and face reality. If you're broke then you can't have expensive habits like smoking.

You have kids OP. You are responsible for their wellbeing, not his. You're clearly a capable, sensible and kind woman.

Don't waste those attributes on someone who is dragging you down. Use them to further enrich yours and your children's lives.

He isn't just taking money from you, he's taking up headspace.

Stop wasting your time, money and emotional resources to enable another adult to live an unhealthy life.

But his kids were abused by their mother who was a violent drunk and he left the family home when they were in later years of primary school.

Did he fight for custody or leave them with their violent drunk mum?

The thing is i dont want him to have a car because i dont trust him. He will use it as a way to cheat or go further to buy drugs.

Drugs too? Sorry OP but you need to take a step back and realise that your relationship with this man hasn't been putting your children first. He hasn't met them, which is great, but he shouldn't even be in their orbit. And he is for as long as you stay with him.

Reframe your fear of guilt of leaving him by comparing it to the guilt of wasting time, money and emotional resources to keep him in your children's orbit. Which makes you feel more guilty?

Stop trying to justify his shit, manipulative, controlling treatment of you. What is that actually achieving?

He doesn't give a fuck about your feelings unless it affects/benefits him in some way.

This isn't love. He doesn't love you. It's control and manipulation. You're his meal-ticket. He won't change.

Just dump him and see his whiney manipulative, controlling ways for what they are. Selfish and about him.

I bet he was the abusive one in his previous relationship, not his 'crazy ex'.

I bet he was the abusive one in his previous relationship, not his 'crazy ex'.

Indeed.

And I wonder whether when he escaped the home is said was intolerable, he fought for custody of his children or left them in the care of a drunk and abusive mother?

What would you need to hear in order to be able to end it?

@MySocksAreDotty nailed it in the first post: "You don’t really need a lot of strength to end it. You simply need enough energy for a few minutes phone call and tell him it’s not working out for you."

Break it down.

Tell him you need to talk, and when you're coming over to have the conversation (do it at his place so you can leave when you're ready).

Write down a few sentences as prompts to lean on in the conversation, and memorise them, so it's a short speech that you can say, and then it's done. Don't let it take more than a minute or so, and don't get into too many of the reasons – just 'this isn't working for me, and I'm ending it'. Let him know you're open to talking more at another time to organise anything that needs organising, but first you need a few weeks without contact.

Have somewhere to be immediately afterward (preferably meeting a friend who can 'catch' you in the emotional aftermath), so you can't get dragged into long, drawn-out discussions.

Then take the next steps one at a time.

The hard part is gathering the 30 seconds of massive courage to open your mouth and say that it's over. After that, my hunch is that you'll feel enormous relief.