How to do what feels too hard

[Howhowhowhowhmmm]

4 year relationship. I have been to 3 therapists who have helped me sound off but ive never been able to part ways.

I know im unhappy and do not trust my boyfriend. I know my brain has rewired to accept crumbs. We dont live together. I am independant. Have two kids that he does not see.

Its been horrible. My parents are married and my mum has been hard for me to feel myself around over the years but theres no sad history in my life that would explain me settling for this

Im 35. Hes 51. When we met he was working full time. Earning great money. He fed me the crap so i felt special. He had told me he had struggled his whole life. Hes had some terrible times. Hes halfway through getting support for potential ptsd. Hes actually realised in the last few months he needs help.

Theres a nice side to him. But he has a low quiet depressed side and a very moody cold side. I have become his leaning post. Finanically and emotionally. He takes the piss with money. He is no longer working. Hes constantly going through a negative cycle.

Theres so many stories. I think some of you would be shocked and cry at the things ive become numb to. I know he keeps alot from me. He does drugs and thinks im dumb enough to believe him when he denys it. I know that he speaks to people i give a wide birth too. He knows all the dodgy people.

I think at this point im just humouring him. I know theres no future. Hes always in too much pain for sex. He has no job or car. In 4 years hes never spent a penny on me on my birthday. We have no clear anniversary date because hes been and gone 3 times.

Theres so much stuff. I just cannot get the strength to end it. I feel too much guilt and he always needs my support.

I know reading this will annoy people. But im in so much emotional pain. I cant see a way out and i hate it.

How much longer do you want to live like this? You are making a choice. You can make a different choice at any time.
Text him it’s over and block him. Or he’ll keep up with the guilt tripping and control tactics. He’ll probably threaten suicide. They all do!
You can live a lovely life with your children without this soul sucking waste of skin. But the only person that make the change is you.

If not for yourself then end it for your children. Why on earth would you want to expose them to this man with his seedy, druggy lifestyle? Do it for them.

Sorry l just saw you keep him separate from your children, but if he stays in your life that will inevitably change so is still a good reason to end things.

Register your car in his name? Wow. I wouldn’t even bother with a phone call. Text him, block him, and enjoy your life.

If he's telling the truth about being due a tax rebate (although without a job?), then now is the ideal time to get shot of him. He can use that rebate to cushion the loss of his meal ticket (you).

That few-minute phone call will be hard. Maybe think of it like an unpleasant dental appointment- eg at 3pm I'll get that over with.

And after that you'll be free.

He's not going to change. After aged 40, they are who they are really.

You will be much happier single.

Just end it and move on. It sounds like it's already ended in your head and you're just struggling with communicating that to him. Just do it. I stayed in relationships too long and you end up nit picking them because subconsciously you want it over but don't want to be the one to do it....that usually results in a row of epic proportions where horrible things are said that are damaging on both sides and can stay with you for years etc. We all have lessons we can take from things, just be honest and get on with your life.

I appreciate you are finding yourself in a difficult position and I don’t want to be too harsh.

But you are giving him money at the expense of your children. You are choosing to financially support someone who is a complete loser.

Even if you are quite wealthy and never worry about money, the money you give him could be going into savings accounts for the kids. Instead of buying his cigarettes. It could be paying for you to learn to drive.

and here you are worrying that if he has a car he will cheat, so you don’t want him to have a car.

You are choosing a worse life for you and your kids. For what?

Oh my god end it. I thought you are going to say your kids were adults. 6 and 8! Why would you want to be with someone like this and be wasting your money on him when you could be spending it on building a better life for your kids, saving money for their future, buying things they need. Instead you’re buying this man fags and doing his food shop so he can afford to buy drugs, what a waste of your time to be working for him instead of your kids. He sounds a complete waste of space, he’s not your responsibility and if he can’t afford to buy fags because you’ve left him that’s hardly the sob story of the century. If you didn’t have kids then fair enough, waste your life on this man and hand him over your cash and your time and your energy, but you have two young children who you should be prioritising when you have spare cash, not this absolute drain on society.

Incidentally OP, DO NOT register a car in his name. A car cannot be joint owned unless through a company.

It's another way of controlling you. You won't be able to walk away from him without losing your car because it will be legally his.

My ex-bil pulled that stunt on my dsis. Left her with no way of getting the dcs to school or herself to work because she dared to end it. More control.

He is not your child. He is a fully functional adult who needs to take responsibility for himself!!!

Pull the plug and he will have to crack on.

He is the scrub that TLC sang about

Your brain is right. You can't trust him. He has treated you badly, so his problems are not your responsibility. Let it go. You're not his mother, though he wants you to play that role. Well, fuck a bunch of that. You matter. Your happiness and well-being matter. Internalize that and act accordingly. Just rip off the bandaid and break it off. It's the only way.

I think I saw this quote on here. “Women are not rehab centres for broken men.”
I sent it to my 22 and 32 year old daughters and we are all going to stick to this, we are all nice people but not responsible for sorting other people out!
Your kids are your only responsibility. Please give them a happy mum.

I really don’t mean to be blunt or sound horrible but he’s taking you for all you’ve got, he probably laughs about it when he’s drinking and snorting with his mates. The way your describing him is like Frank Gallagher from Shameless, please for the sake of your kids get rid of him.

A man who takes money off a woman with children is a worthless piece of shit. Why doesn't he work, is he ill