How to call it off gracefully?

[KurtCobainLover]

I’ve been seeing someone for 6 months and really really like him. But, he keeps letting me down and says I don’t understand how tired he is - he has fibromyalgia so I feel like I should be more understanding but am finding it difficult.

He very rarely replied to texts and when we talk on the phone he says he’s not chatty mood. I got some surprise birthday money from my parents last week whilst I was with him and he straight away asked to borrow some which I foolishly did and feel really resentful that he put me on the spot (I know I need to grow a back bone).

The final straw was this morning when I texted him asking him to come to mine tonight rather me going to his and his response was shall we leave it as he’s tired. I’m pissed off because this isn’t the first time he’s done it and assumed that I’m sitting around on other days waiting for him to decide that he wants to see me. I have two children and work full time so my free time is limited. If I’d have known he was going to cancel I would have planned something else with friends but it’s too late to do that now.

How can I end it with gracefully without sounding like I’m throwing my toys out of the pram?

Agree that you should end it.

Simply say it's not working and there's no future in it for you.

Has he replied to your message asking for the
money back?

I respectfully disagree. I have /have had a few neuro conditions including cancer treatment so know a lot about fatigue.

I have no problem with an 'it's not me it's you' in principle but it's fine to let him know the reason.

His unreliability is part of it. He may think he's balancing his condition and relationships but he isn't and if he wants to try again more successfully, it may be useful for him to know that it isn't working and he needs to manage expectations better, perhaps arrange less ahead of time, identity his most affected times (maybe the end of a work week) and avoid making dates in Fri nights etc. you can work around limitations.

If I had inadvertently stuffed up something good, I'd want to know it was me so I could make changes

Whatever you are telling him, please dont tell him it’s because of his fibro. It’s a shit illness and he really doesn’t reminding of it and the limitations that comes with it.
Id just tell him that you are realising that you are struggling to balance family life with your dcs and your personal life as a woman and that you feel it’s not working for you.

@DullFanFiction so you are essentially saying to blow smoke up his arse rather than tell the truth?

your version of “gracefully” seems to be to outright lie @DullFanFiction

I wouldn’t be too bothered about ending it gracefully, I’d be blunt. He doesn’t sound a particularly decent man. What sort of bloke asks to borrow your birthday money? Fine to dismiss the money but make sure he knows he still owes it.

Hi Pete, glad you called. I was really pissed off when you cancelled the other night, I could have planned something else. I’ve been thinking and I’ve made the decision I don’t want to continue our relationship. I get frustrated when you never reply to texts and you often say you’re not in a chatty mood. I find it all quite depressing and draining. I want an upbeat life filled with fun and plans. I think you prefer the quiet life. But I wish you all the best, good luck with your XYZ. Oh, can you transfer my birthday money that you borrowed please? Thanks. Bye.

He finally paid me back the money and then promptly let me down again so I’ve texted him ending it. He’s been online since I messaged and hasn’t opened it which kind of says it all. I’m sad but relieved I made a decision and didn’t settle for less than I deserve.

Thank you to everyone who replied - it really did help me see the wood for the trees.

Well done, OP.
I'm glad you got the money back, too.

That’s good. Now you can join in with the OLD thread when you feel ready. I’ve been in that thread on and off over the past few years, it’s very supportive.