Lies. Alcohol. And more.

[tmommy22]

Hi, ladies.
Long story short. I have a 13 year old from a previous relationship. My partner has a 9 and a 6 year old from a previous relationship.

We have a 4 year old today, I fell pregnant 2 months into the relationship. We barely knew each other but grew and went from strength to strength.

We hit a rough patch last September, after we got engaged and booked a date (interfering in laws and he still worked for his ex-mother in law). Ever since, he's been secretly drinking, what can be 10 pints several times a week. He lies about his alcohol use. It's so bad he can no longer get an erection. We are 6 months off getting married, and planned another baby shortly after the wedding, but following growing up with an alcoholic dad, I'm just resenting him. I'm so angry and don't know how to get our relationship on track.

He's upset that I'm upset. He says I'm dragging the relationship down with being negative. He blames me for his drinking saying I'm not supportive.

I feel at a loss.

4 children
potentially 5
growing up in this shit show
depressing

I would 100% push the wedding back or postpone it. The fact he is blaming you shows that he isn't ready to change (because he's saying you should).

Is there somewhere you can go. I'd want to remove myself and the children, or ask him to, ask him for 3 months apart so he can work on himself and you can get a sense of how much he's dragging you down with him.

Cancel the wedding and end the relationship as soon as possible. You grew up seeing alcoholism at home so it’s not surprising that you’ve chosen an alcoholic for a partner. He is not the person you thought he was and it’s all been far too much too soon. Do not bring any more children into this dysfunctional mess. Rebuild yours and your kids lives without him in it.

There is NO getting this relationship back on track. His primary relationship is with drink, not you or any of these children who are also seeing this. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Look too at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

I’m sure you know this but just to remind you - it is not your fault he is drinking. Postpone the wedding and read Women who love too Much’ which discusses how having an alcoholic parent can impact your future relationships.

I was so proud of our relationship, after a whirlwind start. I accept the 1st baby was CRAZY, but we really did build the perfect family. I felt this was my happy ever after but I feel now the kids are all becoming more independent, he's becoming a bit exposed. The stress of the last year has shown ALL his negative traits. Some days I'm like 'who is this man'?

He's the best dad to the kids. The best. He's been the glue to our blended family but the cracks are real.

He could move to his parents, deal with his drinking but I'm worried it will get worse and he'll blame me. He says he needs my help, but I don't know what more he wants from me.

He does not really want your help or support and you are too close to be of any real use to him. He’s not interested in stopping drinking, he just wants you to blame.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

Do you really think he is a good dad? Women in poor relationships often write that when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Better also to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. Your father is an alcoholic and did your mother do enough to protect you here?

So much you've said here... rings truth. Ive always been so angry at my mother for not doing more.

My partner says he isn't an alcohol but accepts he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He says his alcohol use isn't as bad now, as when he separated from his first wife. He reminds me he barely drank through the first 3 years of our relationship. He says repeatedly he won't drink when we are trying for a baby or through pregnancy. I just don't believe him! I know I can't bring another child into such a fragile relationship. He doesnt drink until the kids and i are in bed. Or when hes out with his mates/dad. He genuinely is a good dad. Good partner, im less sure.. my heart is truly broken

Oh op I've been where you are.

Living with an addict is soul destroying. By nature addicts lie. They lie all the time. They will do anything to protect their addiction. They will blame you for it, and no amount of begging, caring, supporting, crying, trying to organise help for them will make a difference. It will just give them more ammunition to hold against you.

His first love is alcohol. Not you and not your children. Please don't commit to this man. Please don't have another baby with him. And please get your children away from his destruction. He can destroy himself but don't let him bring you and your children down with him.

What happens now could blight their lives forever.

Why do you persist in thinking this man is a good dad?. You do not think now he is a good partner.

Do you think your father was a good dad?. You were likely and remain very conflicted re him - a mix of love and hate. Same re your mother, she did not protect you fully from his alcoholism. The same sort of conflicted emotions are going to happen to your kids particularly if you remain with him for your own reasons .

it matters not he drinks when the kids are in bed. As he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking alcohol at all. His first wife left him
understandably and you will need to do the same.

I would sit him down and have a really honest conversation about how this is affecting you, that you are worried and what you need to change to move forward. Ultimately though, the change has to come from him, not you.

I say this as a now sober alcoholic. It took several years of concerns from my dh for me to sort myself out. It was important to know I had his support and that he was worried about me, but realistically there wasn’t anything he could ‘do’ to help. Other than say removing alcohol from the home and building in things to do together that aren’t all about alcohol, there isn’t really anything you can do to help him. He has to want to change and he has to be the one doing the work of it.

What I think you can do though is set boundaries and stick with them, but also to work on yourself. You aren’t the reason he drinks and it’s not your responsibility to make him stop. But as the child of an alcoholic, you almost certainly will have chosen this dynamic because it’s a comfortable and familiar one. That doesn’t make it your fault, but absolutely life (with or without him) going forward will be happier if you get to the bottom of your own stuff and work on yourself so you don’t repeat these patterns for your own children. That’s the only bit of this you have control over.

Thank you so much for reaching out. And thank you for sharing things from your perspective.

Until this relationship, for many reasons I didn't realise how much my childhood stuck with me. I've always had a poor relationship with my parents, more so my mother. And planning a wedding, having to deal with in-laws has really made my realise my own trauma, remains unresolved.

Thank you. I did plan a date night with him tonight but felt so down after him sneaking alcohol cans into his boot, so it werent in our bin, I cancelled. Maybe I should continue as planned and use it as an opportunity to talk and set boundaries.

Thank you so much xx

It looks like your mother, as I suspected, did fail to protect you from her husband ‘s alcoholism. This has affected you markedly and after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

No -ones ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and this is not it either. I do not think he is going to be at all amenable when you state your position because you’re there to him to prop him up. Do not forget either he is in denial that he is an alcoholic.

i would suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another persons drinking.

No to date nights. State your position to him
once and once only. You will know where you stand from how he responds. And he’s more then likely going to choose drink over you.

He doesn't need your help. He needs to help himself. You don't even sound like you drink at all yourself so it's not like your shoving booze down his neck. How can he expect you to 'help' him when he's in denial and claims his addiction is YOUR fault?
Tell him to go to the GP, get blood tests for his liver, tell them the amount he's drinking. Then he can attend AA. Every day if need be. That's what HE has to do to stop drinking. You don't have to do anything. Other than being supportive. But I'd say ask him to make those steps and if he's unwilling then he can go to his mum's. It's his choice, his decision, his health.

They will always blame their drinking on anything and everything else. Stress, work issues, tiredness, everybody has a drink don't they, their relationship, whatever. What they will never acknowledge is that they have an alcohol problem and they need to stop drinking.

You are wasting your time. Don't marry him and definitely don't have any more kids with him.

OP, I’m sorry. Someone who is sneaking cans into the boot of a car is an alcoholic.

Someone who drinks 10 pints several times per week and blames their partner for it is unlikely to be “a really great dad”.

A dear friend of mine is an alcoholic and she is very frequently totally out of control. She started off with a glass of wine with dinner. Over a few years she spiralled so much she has been in rehab several times only to relapse immediately after. She has caused herself injuries, lost her job, crashed her car when drink driving. She nearly died several times. When she starts drinking there is literally nothing or no one that can make her stop, unless by force.

Do not marry this man.
In fact, I’d leave now and save yourself and your children a life of misery.

Sorry OP he's an alcoholic in total denial. He's hiding his consumption from himself as much as you.

He's not fit to be a Dad to the children you already have, let alone another.

Do not marry him while he's addicted.

He needs to address this or you should walk away from him for your children's sake.

Wow op, so he blames you for the relationship issues? He blames you for his drinking? He binge drinks 10 beers after ?9pm. This is madness. Do not marry him and do not have another child.

he needs an ultimatum ghat he stops now and gets help or leaves and stick to that

Sure sign of an alcoholic when they blame it on you. Please don’t marry this man and definitely do not get pregnant.
You can suggest he seeks help from his GP, Alcoholics Anonymous or local alcohol support charities. If he won’t accept help, doesn’t want to engage , doesn’t want to stop drinking there is nothing you can do,

Just to add he may play the nice guy, say everything will be ok if you and he just get married. Please don’t fall for this, it’s his way of ensuring he has an enabler. (I speak from bitter experience, maybe this isn’t a common thing but if he tries it, walk away)
You can contact Al Anon for support for yourself.

You are at a loss. You've lost any chance of a happy life with him because he is an addict, won't take responsibility for it, and is gaslighting you about it. Do not marry him. Get your ducks in a row to leave.

This.

He hasn’t done the work he needs to do to manage stress without alcohol. If he doesn’t do that psychological work, then even if he manages to abstain it will come out in other ways & you will spend your life trying not to enable him in whatever the latest problem is.

Until he is willing to do the work he needs to do he is not fit to be in a relationship because it will be all about him whether he is drinking or not.

It would be sensible to leave.

@tmommy22 I’m also surprised how many people claim these alcoholics are good dads. He is NOT a good dad. If he was he would be wanting to tackle this issue and get better, and it’s awful he says he’s drinking because of you. I would only consider staying with someone like this if they were fully accepting they were an alcoholic and were wanted to quit completely. He’s nowhere near this stage. He’s at the point of hiding alcohol and has been drinking enough for him to not be able to get an erection, that in its self should be a wake up call buts it’s not. Do not marry this man and absolutely do not bring another child into this mess.