Embarrassed when my boyfriend has had a drink

[Thepanicyears]

I met my boyfriend when he was 21 and at the time he was a typical young lad who went out a few times a month and got very drunk. My problem is when he drinks he always seems to take it too far. You know that embarrassing drunk who’s chatting shit to people, stumbling around, thinking he’s funny when he isn’t. I am really sick of it and find it so embarrassing. I probably only drink a few times a year personally and not to the point of embarrassing myself. It’s really giving me the ick. At a wedding recently I was trying to avoid him after he’d stood on my foot, spilt a drink and made an unfunny joke in reference to the grooms ex etc. Do I jump ship?

How often does he do it?

Does the good outweigh the bad. But tbh sounds like you are growing apart ick is hard to get past

Jump ship.

You don't have to put up with anything you don't feel comfortable with. Alcohol misuse is so normalised in the UK and it is troubling.

Do it, especially if you're thinking of settling down, he's not maturing at the same rate as you are.

Yes you do. I was you. Only I married my version of that...

We got together at 20, were both party types but I was always a bit more sensible. Fast forward ten years, I had grown up and wanted to start a family but he would still be binge drinking, throwing up in our bedroom, acting either super hostile or silly in the middle of the night when I had work the next day etc etc etc. On our first wedding anniversary he got so drunk he threw up in the pub, and this was only about 9pm. We never made it to our second wedding anniversary because he came home one night and shit himself all over my living room then called me a bitch while I was cleaning it (and him) up. We never spent another night under the same roof.

That is the reality of living with a binge drinker. He wasn't an alcoholic, he could go weeks without a drink, but once he started he couldn't stop.

Not saying that this is what will happen to you, but I really wouldn't wish my first marriage on anyone.

Jump ship. His drinking is a problem that should not become yours. When someone shows you who they are it pays to believe them.

He doesn’t drink that regularly to be honest, once a month sometimes less. It’s more his behaviour when he does. Never nasty or fighting just embarrassing and I genuinely don’t think he will/can change. We’ve had the conversation so many times about calming it down and he just never does.

Jump ship. You are wasting your time.
Time to move on. As you grow older you will find it difficult to socialise as a couple as people will avoid you both.
He has drink issues too.
Nothing more tedious than a messy drunk.

I’m conscious we’re 26 now and I can see everyone else has grown up. At this particular wedding I could see another couple (his friend) cringing for me. I don’t want to waste time at this age now either

Once a month is far too often to feel embarrassed by his behaviour. Once a year I might suck up.

I speak from experience. It doesn't get better. It creeps up. If a person can't stop on a night out then there is a problem. They don't have to be sneaking vodka from under the sink in a morning for there to be a problem. My DH is getting help after a long time but it took us nearly losing everything for him to stop. I saw a lot of unhealthy habits growing up and it took me a long time to realise what was toxic and unhealthy. I haven't ever spoken of this to anyone not even online so I say this to give you some insight. Things would be ok then we would have problems. It went up and down for years, with not touching drink for a year at a time. At the moment it is ok and he's doing well but he's literally on his last chance. I've been quite up front about how it's made me feel and what won't be tolerated from this point onwards. He goes to the AA meetings and has a therapist now. He's shown a lot of remorse and is working hard to change things. If he had not I would have walked. There was no infidelity, just embarrassing himself and getting into trouble. I would say don't put up with it after having lived through 20 years of the shit. I am forgiving which is why I am still with him and I love him very much. You are not 20 years down the line so can make an informed decision. DH didn't think he had a problem until he found himself incoherent in the back of a police car. It's MN so I will get ripped to shreds for typing this but it helps to see how someone else has lived who started out in a similar situation.

Once a month is, I would say, quite often to be acting this way. Once or twice a year or so I could overlook I think, although still wouldn’t be overly impressed, but anything that frequent would be a massive no from me. And I say that as someone who has certainly been too pissed and acted in an embarrassing manner more than a few times in the past!!

I'm the same when I drink. Been with men who have been similar though. Just can't find the off switch. It's awful I know.

Jump ship, life with a binge drinker is no life for you at all. You’ve already stated you think he will not and or cannot change.

And talking to someone like this about cutting down on the drink is a waste of time also. It’s about as effect an action as peeing in the ocean.

I married this man, it got so much worse, it turned into awful rows when he had a drink him calling me when I was 38 weeks pregnant asking to be picked up, him being thrown out of a televised event I had worked for months on, him hitting me, the list could go on but eventually we divorced.

Don’t waste any more time. It’s no life is it being worried about what he might do next and getting pitying looks.

Run.

Don't then.
You are wasting your time.
Imagine this with children...in your home, him sleeping off his hangover.
It only gets worse.
You are so young, don't ruin this one precious life by sticking with a heavy messy drinker.
You will bitterly regret it.
Those cringe looks will get so much worse, believe me.
People will simply avoid you both, pity you for settling for such a twat.
It will be isolating and you will grow to be repulsed by him.
Get out now.
My lovely colleague stayed too long, she didn't have children, deliberately.
I was very fond of her but the one night we went out to dinner he got shitfaced and we headed off quickly. She apologised on Monday and I passed it off kindly, but we never went out again. Such a waste of her life. He wasn't a bad guy, but he was just someone you did not want to be around with alcohol taken.

100% jump ship. There’s a different life waiting for you, one that doesn’t involve your manchild partner embarrassing you because he still drinks like a teenager who doesn’t know their limits.

They don't grow out of it. Bad drinkers just get worse over time.

My ex was still like this at 60. It got increasingly often and increasingly embarrassing. I still go cold remembering the pity looks I got from people.

If you don't see any growth in him between the way he was at 21 and 26 then better to walk away.

Nothing in your post to criticise @Ispywithmylittlepie There's far more of us who can relate than you'd imagine. If sharing stories helps one young woman avoid the misery its a job well done. I hope your partner takes the chance you're giving him and that you get some happiness and peace of mind.

Definitely jump ship. We all know embarrassing drunks like this and pity the woman who stands by him. Don't be one of those. You can do better.

The frequency isn't the red flag.
It's the not EVER being able to have a couple of drinks and stopping.
That act of binge drinking is the tell for potential alcoholism.