Blindsided. He said I deserve better, do I believe him? 10yrs WWYD

[StrongSeedling]

I’ve been trying to put the pieces together in my head. Married 2 years together for 8, relationship on the rocks lately. He finally shared (WHILE I WAS PREGNANT) that he loves someone else… as well as me.
It’s one of my close friends, I’m no longer speaking to her. It makes me physically sick to think about. I’m told a physical boundary hasn’t been crossed but there is a definite sense of emotional affair. Constant texting and calling to her house, she’s in a long term r’ship too. 2 kids in both families.
If your partner told you this and that they’re not a good person and you deserve better what would you do?
Do I ask him to leave? He won’t go no contact, in fact, the opposite he wants to act on it. Help, I’m sick with stress. Had my baby a few months ago.

Kick him out. Why are you even thinking about this. Do not do the pick me dance, as he has shown he doesn't want to pick you, he wants his cake and eat it too!

You can raise your baby by yourself. Raise your standards and tell him to leave today.

Has he not left? Is he making you ask him to leave, whilst telling you he loves someone else and wants to act on it?!

How are you doing considering you just had a baby? Do you have a good support network? If you've got good family and friends then tbh I'd leave and not look back.

I don't know you and yes I would assume you do deserve better than this man who would "fall in love" with your friend, tell you when pregnant and then tell you he wants to act on it rather than go NC. Do not try to make him pick you - he didn't when he was married to you and you were carrying his baby, he's the lowest of the low.

If someone else told you about this situation and asked you what to do you're tell them to leave, and that they were worth more, better! And so are you. What a horrible situation for you to be in. I'd ask him to go asap. You're stronger than you think!

He's making you do his dirty work by forcing your hand to break up with him rather than he do the decent thing. He's a shit man and you do indeed deserve much better.

His stuff would be in her doorstep in a flash.

You DO deserve better OP- go out there and get it xx

You need support op, lean on friends and family. Don't make the mistake I did and not tell anyone to protect him.

I'd also ask him to leave, he needs to feel the full force of his actions, for me, an emotional affair is an awful betrayal of trust, he's put all his emotional energy he should have been spending on you and your new baby onto another woman. I always felt I could have forgiven a drunken one night stand, but an emotional affair is premeditated, he's been lying and deceiving you for months. So sorry you're going through this op.

This is awful
I couldn't be in the same house as this 'man'
Does her partner know about their obvious affair?

I do have good friends and my family are a great support with my son and daughter.
all your replies are hitting me like a train, maybe I am waking up at last. He asked for couples therapy so I have been hopeful. Maybe if I’m honest to myself I’ve been hopeful he would get bored of it and re commit to me.
Him and her have been friends for longer, I know her through him but was assured there was never any history. I’ve since found out that was a lie, they did have mutual feelings for each other but didn’t admit to anyone.
Theres been talk of polyamory etc but this is not that in my eyes. This is betrayal and dishonesty.

I don’t know how I’ve been coping through preg, pp, it feels like a brain fog has lifted now though.

If a man tells you you deserve better, you always do. It's their way of telling you that they know they are treating you terribly, and that it's not going to improve, because they don't actually care enough about you.

In these circumstances I actually think he will end up leaving anyway. He probably wants you to push him out so he feels less guilty. You definitely do deserve better.

OP you've just had a baby, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Your hormones will be all over the place as well as all this. In the first instance I would get him to support you and help with the baby as much as possible to give you some space. Can you go and stay with your parents for a short while?

You need time to breathe and think about what you want. Ultimately this is a massive betrayal and lots of people can't forgive but others do. Do not get forced into polyamory if this isn't what you want. Perhaps pursue individual therapy to figure out what it is you want to do.

He’s making you be the bad guy. Not a keeper.
I wonder if he knows she wouldn’t have him 🤔

I would suspect that physical boundaries have in fact been breached, and what you are getting is "trickle truth" ie he only admits to what he thinks you can prove. Either way, the way he is treating you is disgraceful and humiliating. I don't think there is any way back from this. Whatever motions he goes through to appease you, he's still the man who did this to you. You'll never be able to trust him.

“It’s not you, it’s me” in other words. That never ends well, but he’s too cowardly to move out. Sorry you’re in this situation. Also, what was your friend thinking? Not putting the blame on her, but you’ve been betrayed by 2 people you trusted.

It’s definitely betrayal and dishonesty OP, you’re right. Tell him you may consider his suggestion of therapy after he has given you space to process everything. My guess is that he doesn’t really want to let go of his feelings for her and is using therapy as a carrot to keep you hanging on in case she rejects him. Sorry OP. What an arsehole. I hope you have loads of support you can draw on to stay strong and focus on building a life for you and your children without him.

He suggested polyamory? In your house or hers? Wtaf?
I'm really sorry that he's showing his true colours at such a vulnerable time for you.
Definitely get you family and friends on board for support. Be honest with them, it's his embarrassment.
Sending you a strength and light ✨️ 🌻

So he told you while you were pregnant, you're still together and he's still seeing her?

Kick him out. Tell him you need space. Consult a divorce lawyer. Remember his pension when calculating assets.

He's treated you terribly. How awful to pull the rug out from under you at such a vulnerable time. I could never forgive the timing of the confession, as much as the awful thing he's done

So you ditched the friend but not him 🤔 you need to do both and move on

Polyamory wtf? He just wants you to okay him screwing her on the side. Legitimise it all for him. He’s equally avoiding the responsibility of actually doing the right thing and leaving by pretending he wants couples counselling. Just no.

I'm so sorry you're going through, what a betrayal. You are the innocent party, you deserve none of this, your emotions and hormones must be all over the place. Please look after you and your babies. Please, please leave him, find strength, you must be exhausted but how could any woman live like this? Hoping you leave this pathetic excuse of a man and better days are ahead for you xx

How is this even a question, what happened to you that caused your bar to be so low? I feel so sorry for you. Where is your dignity and self esteem. Of course it’s over.

Yes 😔 there was a couple months where we all did no contact but then I suggested we all try address everything. It hasn’t gotten any better since, just worse.

yes her partner knows too and is good friends with my DH. He didn’t react well at all. But is now trying to make peace with it as she left him.

agree with another poster my mind and hormones are a mess. It’s helpful to see all your comments and replies, even the brutally honest ones!
I don’t want my kids to not have their dad in their life, I’m wondering I can compromise on their behalf but I’m a stressed out mess.

So the the ow is free?
Why is he not rushing off into the sunset with her?
Great romance that that it is.....Not.
I'd say let them get on with it.
Thing is if he knew her before you why didn't he get with her then?
It will all end in tears - his not yours.

Seperating doesn't mean they won't have him in their life.

Fear is keeping you trapped, the fear he will be with her if you end the relationship

He s with her anyway. Just playing in your face in the most disgusting and hurtful way.

You won't start healing until you are able to accept the situation for what it is.

He is having an affair. He loves someone else. He won't give her up despite the hurt and damage he is causing to you.

They both have betrayed you.

The level of vulnerability after having a baby is no doubt making this all worse.

But there is practically zero chance of saving this relationship.

You deserve so much better.

He told you that so he isnt the bad guy who breaks the family when his wife just had a baby.
He wants you to take the decision instead (and then you’re the bad guy).

I very much doubt he hasnt had a full in affair yet either. Who repeadily spends hours at a Woman’s house Wo having sex? Even more so when said woman is one he ‘loves’.

Im sorry he dropped that bomb onto you now.
Im sorry he is such a waste.