Blindsided. He said I deserve better, do I believe him? 10yrs WWYD

[StrongSeedling]

I’ve been trying to put the pieces together in my head. Married 2 years together for 8, relationship on the rocks lately. He finally shared (WHILE I WAS PREGNANT) that he loves someone else… as well as me.
It’s one of my close friends, I’m no longer speaking to her. It makes me physically sick to think about. I’m told a physical boundary hasn’t been crossed but there is a definite sense of emotional affair. Constant texting and calling to her house, she’s in a long term r’ship too. 2 kids in both families.
If your partner told you this and that they’re not a good person and you deserve better what would you do?
Do I ask him to leave? He won’t go no contact, in fact, the opposite he wants to act on it. Help, I’m sick with stress. Had my baby a few months ago.

“You deserve better” is a line that is used to make it sound like that they are doing you a favour, whilst putting the responsibility of ending it or putting up with it on you. It’s self serving cowardice, urgh. I wouldn’t trust anything that came out of his mouth.

It isn’t your job to ‘win’ him back, he’s in or he’s out there isn’t room for a maybe. Maybe means he’s out.

You need real life support and to get your ducks in a row (he’s already had a head start) should you choose to get rid of him.

He is a weak man, not strong enough to honour the vows he made to you.

He doesn't love you ENOUGH to "forsake all others".

Don't be upset. Find your anger.

Get yourself tested for STI 's.
Put in a claim for child maintenance.
See a divorce lawyer.
Separate your finances. You don't want him dipping into joint finances to support her.
Pack up his stuff.

Im always bemused by the term "polyamory". Isn't it just a way to try and legitimise having sex with someone outside your marriage? And yet somehow it's been given status akin to being gay. And then the injured party is somehow then in the wrong as they won't accept that their spouse is entitled to shag someone else.

I really feel for you

You separating/ divorcing doesn't mean they won't have their dad in their life.

They won't see him every day. But it was his choice to blow up your life.

You will do your children a great disservice staying with him and modelling being unhappy and a doormat.

Unfortunately I think that your only option is kicking him out and letting him pursue this fantasy relationship. Chances are the reality won’t live up to his expectations and he’ll come running back. That’s what mine did, or tried to do.

He’s made it clear that he intends on acting on his feelings, you’re worth more.

You do deserve better. What a scumbag he is.

What did you do in the end? 🌼

@StrongSeedling We’d been together 7 years and married 3. I’d given birth to our DC 5 months earlier (first child for both of us) and thought that we were happy.

He announces one evening that he’s terribly unhappy, doesn’t know why and is moving out! Two weeks later someone knocked the door and told me he was having an affair. Strangely it made it a bit easier as I had answers and I wasn’t going to stand for it. I filed for divorce which he did everything he could to stall. Divorce was granted 6 months later.

One month on from the divorce, OW dumped him and he was ended up on my doorstep in tears saying that he’d made a terrible mistake. I told him where to go.

The first 5 years were really tough as a lone parent, juggling work, finances and childcare alone. I had no social life and it was lonely. However when DC started school I got some of my life back.

It gave me a second chance at having a fabulous life that I never would have had if I’d let him back.

It’s a bloody tough road but better than staying with someone who disrespects you. You will come out of the other side I promise x

I agree- boot him out. Sorry.

This. He doesn't want that on his shoulders, and for the narrative to be that he was the bad guy who left his wife & kids for his affair partner.

Oh God someone hasn't suggested that here, surely??

This in spades. He’s also forcing you to end the relationship so he can play the victim.

The OP’s dh suggested it ….

Having your cake and eat it comes to mind there.
Like please can I keep my status in society, play the nice father role, still have my maid and sex whilst I’m having my jollies outside the marriage wo any guilt.

Fwiw I’m sure that IF the OP was agreeing with him, he’d have major issues with her having someone on the side too. They all do.

Your children can still have their dad in their life if you split up.

And they will also have a mum who isn't constantly stress and living on a knife-edge waiting for it to happen again.

Whereas if you stay with him, you will understandably) never be able to trust him again, and waiting for the next time it happens.

They have known each other a long time and there's always been 'something'. And they both lied about there being 'something'. This is a very long standing lie, and not just a stupid phase that could pass in a few weeks or months.

He's not a good person. He chose when you were pregnant to tell you all this. He's been happy to lie to you for years. He's cheated (even if not physically - and you don't know if that's true because you know he lies). He's lied for a long time. He's told you he loves someone else.

You deserve better.

OP this awful disgusting man isn’t worth your breath.
He has absolutely no redeeming features and YES YOU ARE MUCH TOO GOOD for this creep!
The kids will see him if they want . You don’t need him in your home or bed for that.
BE BRAVE and chuck the creep out of your house, get a divorce and stop pandering to him.
Hes awful polyamory my foot x