My husband accused me of cheating with no foundation- He has psychosis

[Cleopatra1975]

My husband accused me of cheating on him in March 24. I have never cheated in 21 years of marriage. He was loving but now treats me with contempt and only sometimes shows a tiny bit of tenderness. more recently there were outbursts of anger and he keeps saying he's wasted half his life and he's lost everything. I cannot reassure him. Hes always been a bit jealous. Since March 2024 he videod, recorded, tracked me; and hid in the house on 4 occasions -trying to get so-called evidence. It was a living nightmare. He accused me of breaking his nose (I told him i thought his swollen nose was an infection). His mind is very sharp and he is able to do his job. He wants a divorce and to sell the property. He doesn't accept he is ill either. His family convinced him to go to psychiatrist who diagnosed Psychosis. He only took the first dose of medication. Believed he had a bad reaction to it and didn't take it again. Should I just give up and get the divorce or fight for him?. His family have taken over getting him treatment so I am left in the cold. They aren't communicating much and I have no say in his treatment. Its been very distressing. He doesn't love or trust me. Is there any hope? If he gets treatment will he still want me? Is there anyone out there who has come through the same situation? Please only respond if you have experienced the same. Thanks

I really feel for you. Seeing someone you love in the grip of psychosis and paranoid delusions about you is horrendous. My ex developed psychosis but sadly it was never properly diagnosed. He completely slipped through the net and there were multiple failings in his care, so I’m afraid I don’t know what would have happened with treatment. I do know that it’s pretty much impossible to get someone treated if they can’t see that they’re ill, and also that being the subject of their delusions puts you at increased risk. I had to leave to protect our son.
Sadly, my advice would be to go ahead with the divorce as you know his family can care for him.
Do you have children?

As his wife, you should be next of kin.
Do you know where he is?
Has he been sectioned?
I wouldnt go for a divorce. He is ill. He does not have the capacity to make that decision.
I do think you need to be more forceful with his family about finding out where he is. It's like you've given up and dont love him at all.

You need to divorce for your safety and stability - he's too unwell and won't take the medication, so isn't going to get better; and even if he's sectioned and forced to take medication, he'll just stop on discharge.

It's not easy, you've done nothing wrong, but he can't and won't see it.

@Treesinthewind
Could you please elaborate a bit if you want to. I left my ex almost a year ago, indeed to protect dc and myself. Also got accused of cheating, abusing him when it was the complete opposite. He hurt our child when trying to secure our house and lots of nasty other stuff. At the moment I am trying to arrange supervised visits for him and dc. But it takes months as he doesnt reply nor respond to any (sollicitor instigated) requests. All he does is blame me for anything and everything he did or does.
Do you have any insight from the future for me? He also is smart, sharp, can fool people, mostly trick people into feeling sorry for him.
I worry that some day I cant convince a judge and they order dc to stay with him. What if he forgets they are there and he suspects an intruder.... I can throw up just thinking about these things.
He has been referred by gp for crisis mental health but he refuses any treatment. But maybe he has now, but I am left in the dark. Privacy law and all that.
He doesnt show me any signs of curement. He denies, gas lights, projects, does not take or accept any responsibility whatsoever.
His family (one member left, the others ran long ago) is the same. It all fits together now, in hindside.
@Cleopatra1975
It took me a long time to realise this will not get better for him, for us. The man I fell in love with is gone. I drew a cartoon for my dc to explain what has happened to dad. I pictured the psychosis as an angry thunder clowd that took over his head. It gets angry at anyone that tries to get it to leave, by taking my dh to the gp for example. This was a large mistake I learned later on. As from that moment on he looked at me as the enemy. I told him and others he needed help, which he interprated as me wanting him locked in a mental asylum.
There is no getting through to someone living in a different reality. No logic, no reason.
Please accept this.
Therefor I do think it is a good thing in your case his family has taken over the treatments etc. You can escape his wrath.
But accept his mind is somewhere else and if this how he thinks about you now, it will only get worse. Whatever you do or say. It will be interpreted the exact opposite way.
You cant do no good, Is how I would explain it in a nut shell.
Horrible shit situation. Extremely painful and impossible to comprehend when youre not in the middle of it.
At least theres 3 of us now, that helps me.
I really hate it when people tell me how unique my situation is. I dont want to hear that. I want help
🫣

Have you been in this position? I can see from the post how much OP loves him, but when you love someone who thinks you are trying to harm them, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is ensure they’re being cared for by people they do trust.

I have a different experience as it was my mum who suffered with psychosis. It took a long time for her to get diagnosed and a really long time to recover. This was over 20 years ago and times were different.
I’ll be honest and say it was a really rough time for 10 years but her relationship with her partner has survived and our relationship has repaired and we are really close. She isn’t the same as how she was though (based on very distant memories) and is on antidepressants probably for life now. But she is still funny and kind and a lovely person.
I think if you can ride it out, even from a distance then do, they are ill and are not making rational decisions. However I also think you need to look after and protect yourself (both physically and mentally) and ultimately it might be that you decide that you do need to end the relationship but that’s only something you can decide.

Also something really significant that a counsellor said to me that you may need to hear is you are not selfish for feeling angry and for having strong feelings about your needs not being met.

I hope you are ok.

Psychosis needs very careful monitoring and can spiral out of control very very quickly. You need to accept that your husband may become a danger to you and make plans / act accordingly. I have a son with schizophrenia with three emergency sections so far and each one has been more terrifying than the last. Also, if he is sectioned they can give him medication whether or not he consents. The saddest symptom of these kinds of conditions is that the sufferer is absolutely convinced they are fine. My son has: put his guitar through a wall, punched his dad in the face, broken every piece of crockery and glassware in my house ( on Christmas Day) and taken a knife to protect us from attack. Very unwell people are totally unpredictable. Protect yourself.

My experience was that they refused to take their medication and so the delusions persisted. Even though they are much improved now, those delusions are part of their history and they can't see that it was the illness and what they accused me and many others of was just not true. It was, still is, their reality that we had all betrayed them. So they have chosen to cut me off and much of their family. I had no choice as they made the decision, and although it was a relief not to be screamed at and have suicide threatened I was heartbroken to have lost them.

So if your partner is refusing medication, I'm not sure that there's anything you can do.

@Treesinthewind i recognise a lot of what you have said. I had a similar story (wanting to protect the house from "my boyfriend".) He put up a camera in the garden and there is a Ring doorbell which only he can control. Only he has the WiFi password and checks the recordings via an app. The cameras are still there and I'm not sure if to take down now he is with his family. I was worried it would cause him anxiety. Yes I am caring about him even though traumatic things have happened. I love him still and i am angry and i feel like i need to grieve and i feel like i should fight for him too. but I think I need to start planning a future without him.
I got legal advice about the divorce and custody. The solicitor said not to let my DC stay overnight with him. there are Orders i can get urgently from the courts if necessary to prevent contact with me. But I don't know if I want to go there yet.
All professionals from; the GP; to solicitor; to the domestic abuse service, to counsellors have warned me to be careful. He has never hit or been violent to me but said once "call up your boyfriend and we'll have a fight,see if he's man enough". Other things I have read about Psychosis say the person afflicted is not dangerous but more likely to be anxious that someone would harm them instead. I am so conflicted. There are so many different experiences. Each Psy case seems different. I have started reading the book "i am not sick,I don't need help". Available in Amazon via ebook' I really recommend this book on how to convince someone to get help and how to interact with them. The positive is that he wants to stay in touch with our son (8) however he wants a paternity test (which i can refuse then he has to take me to court). We already had a swab test which showed a positive Dna match. We lied to our son the reason for the test.
I don't believe Psychosis is rare. Mental health issues are on the rise. Just look on Instagram. There is so much there but view with caution. There are some scare stories there (which is not helpful). I have only experience this living hell since March. My journey is just starting. Thanks to everyone who has shared. It helps.

@Nosierosi 'something really significant that a counsellor said to me that you may need to hear is you are not selfish for feeling angry and for having strong feelings about your needs not being met.'

Thank you this is so helpful 💖

Good luck you sound strong.
I dont think mental illnesses are rare either. But psychosis or schizofrenia is a bit, also because there are as many variations as there are people.

@JimmyGrimble Thank you for sharing. I feel your pain. Sending you a virtual hug.

I have no personal experience of this but I worry about you and your son's safety.

People always think the worst is not going to happen, but sometimes it does.

I think about a lot of real cases where the victims should have imagined the worst case scenario and isolated themselves from the perpetrator (with no contact and the perpetrator not knowing where they are), but didn't; with disastrous consequences.

Is it worth the risk, with an 8 yr old who's now only got one functioning parent.

You may love him but he's a danger to you and possibly your son, and that trumps your feelings I'm afraid.

There are some scare stories there (which is not helpful).

How are they not helpful?

You mean, they don't align with what you want to do ATM.

That doesn't mean they're not helpful.

His behaviour has been abusive since the Spring. He's potentially dangerous. He won't take his medication and even if he's sectioned, he'll be let out sooner or later and possibly stop taking it again. You are your son's only (current) stable parent. That's the bottom line.

We already had a swab test which showed a positive Dna match. We lied to our son the reason for the test.

The way you phrase this is very telling.

We, we ..

But it wasn't "we", was it? He demanded it and you acquiesced to it, went along with it ....even though I imagine you know 100% your child is his.

It's an insult to you of the deepest kind (and intrusive and disrespectful to your son) yet you went along with it. And lied to your son. It's you playing along with his psychosis and Othello syndrome - like it's valid - in an attempt to solve the problem and get your previous husband back ... But you can't solve the problem, you were pandering to insanity, and it hasn't changed anything.

You want to approach it like you're in it together, like you're a team (hence all the "We) but he was forcing you into that utterly shit position, you were,/are like a hostage, and sadly you can't be in it together.

He is mentally ill, you cannot solve it, professionals may not even be able to solve it. You are being abused as a result of his mental illness, you are potentially in danger as a result of his mental illness. Unfortunately you have to prioritise your own safety and health and your son.

(There is also the possibility that some of this is strategic; because he wants out. So he chooses to believe it, because he wants out; but "can't" leave his faithful, devoted wife and his family without excuses).

He was loving but now treats me with contempt and only sometimes shows a tiny bit of tenderness. more recently there were outbursts of anger and he keeps saying he's wasted half his life and he's lost everything. I cannot reassure him. Hes always been a bit jealous. Since March 2024 he videod, recorded, tracked me; and hid in the house on 4 occasions -trying to get so-called evidence. It was a living nightmare. He accused me of breaking his nose (I told him i thought his swollen nose was an infection). His mind is very sharp and he is able to do his job. He wants a divorce and to sell the property. He doesn't accept he is ill either. His family convinced him to go to psychiatrist who diagnosed Psychosis. He only took the first dose of medication. Believed he had a bad reaction to it and didn't take it again. Should I just give up and get the divorce or fight for him?. His family have taken over getting him treatment so I am left in the cold.

Look I could be totally wrong but what I see here is a man communicating that he wants out, he's not happy in the marriage/household, he wants an alternative life etc.

Apparently he cannot leave you and your child and be the back guy, so he is flailing around for justification to leave you. He knows you are very committed, attached, invested etc and won't let it go easily.
He's looking for the only things he believes are acceptable, to himself and others, for leaving a wife & child. These are clearly infidelity, paternity fraud, and domestic abuse.

Hence he has accused you of being unfaithful, accused you of pretending a child is his who is not - and even after a swab test, is still harping on about further testing. He's accused you of breaking his nose. Do you think he hasn't told others about that?

He hasn't been able to prove any of these but nonetheless he's moved out, left the household, and whatever he's said to his family have made them cut you out/exclude you.

I wonder who much of it is truly psychosis/Othello syndrome, and how much of it is a hyped up, extreme, melodramatic act (an act he's convinced himself of, as people can do) to justify dumping his wife of 21 yrs and breaking up his sons's family.

A lot of his words are those of a mid life crisis, "wants out" man; he's "wasted his life", he "wants a divorce and to sell he property".

It's rather interesting that he is apparently sharp/switched on and able to do his job and work normally...while apparently having a psychotic break.
How come the psychosis is only manifesting in his relationship?
He's not trashing his job and income, is he; only his marriage.

I think his family know/think that - aside from any mental health issues - he wants out, he doesn't want you to be involved, you thinking you have still the 'right", as such ....and that's why they've excluded you.

This may sound far fetched but I've heard of similar cases where a man who wanted out of his marriage had mental health "issues" and outbursts and treated the wife very shittily ..... It was all clearly aimed at getting her to leave/getting rid of her which she eventually did.

She didn't leave on his schedule initially, so the episodes evolved to melt
-downs and waving shotguns around. While she phoned her family in distress (that's how I know about it).

He let his real feelings and motivation slip in several things he said, I noticed.

Sometimes, some men do act like this, as crazy as it is.

And they tend to convince themselves of their lies/justifications.

I think your h probably did almost hope that he caught you out in something he could construe as infidelity, or maybe the low chance that your son wasn't his. To justify what he wants to do to himself (and of course others).

Pathological / delusional jealousy is a risk to you and your son. There is a risk your husband will attack or try to kill you. Unfortunately you cannot defend yourself from his delusions because they are not grounded in reality. It sounds as though things have escalated really badly already. The evidence that you collect of your fidelity will only convince your husband of how cunningly you are able to deceive him and fake evidence etc - it will fuel his paranoia deeper in other words.

I think you need to make yourself safe and physically distance yourself and your son from your husband as soon as possible. Your relationship and indeed your husband's welfare cannot be a priority right now. Thankfully he has his family. Even though you care for him, this situation is not his fault and it's all terribly sad - it is of the utmost importance that you think of your safety right now.

The little bit of exposure to forensic psychiatry I have had in medical school has left me with the awareness that pathological jealousy is a high risk condition. I'm frightened for you please look out for yourself.

What I recall is that antipsychotics even when they are effective, they do not always remove the delusional belief (though of course they may do so). They may only reduce the fixation upon / importance of the belief so that the sufferer can get on with other things in life. But your marriage may be unable to recover from this even in the best case scenario. I'm so sorry this has happened to you both.

Pathological jealousy is a real phenomenon and it does involve having a strong delusional/psychotic belief only about the relationship/partner and their imagined infidelity. People can continue to function in other contexts as they become more and more deeply paranoid about their partner - it is completely plausible that he is still working etc

That he has been assessed by a psychiatrist who is willing to offer antipsychotics, his family are also concerned and want him to seek treatment for psychosis and that his behaviour is escalating with surveillance, tests etc - these factors all add very worrying credibility to this truly being pathological jealousy and not merely an act.

The delusion cannot be reasoned with and becomes gradually all consuming and unbearable. He may come to believe that is wife is evil and responsible for all his suffering, which may be very great indeed. That's why the risk to the partner of violence can be very high.

Yes, as I said at the beginning of the post, I cound be wrong.

But ..

Note that he has accused the op of domestic violence and causing him a serious facial injury. How is that pathological jealousy?

Also, for the sake of argument, the op only has his/his family's word that he was given a diagnosis and offered medication by a psychiatrist, I think (?)
All we know is that he's not taking any medication, even if he was diagnosed and prescribed medication.

And yes, the three posts I made before that one were about my concerns for the safety of op and her child.

I used to work with people with psychotic disorders. Schizophrenia and particularly what used to be called paranoid schizophrenia are very hard to put into remission. Of the various schizophrenias paranoid schizophrenia is the worst—in my opinion—because the patient is in a constant state of hypervigilance, irritation, anger, defensiveness, etc… and if they feel threatened with respect to their safety or ego they can be dangerous.

I think there is really no going back from the level of paranoia and anger and control he is displaying. Divorce him if you can.

Hes always been a bit jealous

I have a feeling you're understating that a bit

Just worth considering that jealous, suspicious, paranoid people are often projecting their own behaviour onto their partner.

They think that because they think and act a certain way, everyone else must too.

They also worry/feel there is inevitability to Karma getting them.

I'd consider that too.

His actions have achieved him leaving your marriage, living outside the home, extracting himself from you family, he's clearly not communicating much with you, and he's got his family shutting you out when you try to communicate through them. He says he wants a divorce and the house sold.

Meanwhile he's still doing his job alright.
Others may not agree but I'd be skeptical : suspicious.

@BouquetGarni224

With all due respect, you admit repeatedly that you don’t have experience of this and that you could be wrong.

You've then gone on to make all sorts of judgements and sweeping statements about the OP’s position. Many of the assumptions that you’re making are clearly grounded in having no real idea about psychosis and it shows.

OP, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Your husband sounds very unwell but is in that tricky stage of psychosis where he doesn’t accept that he’s ill and is not ill enough to be sectioned. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of trying to support him to make sense of his experiences and ideas but don’t forget that you need to look after yourself too. Handing the reins to his parents at the moment sounds like a really useful strategy to allow you both some space. It also sounds like you’re getting some great legal advice. No one can know how long he is going to be ill like this, there are a lot of variables and you just have to decide how long you can tolerate it if he won’t accept help.

Also, just wanted to say that psychosis doesn’t come on overnight, and often is grounded in some sort of schema / belief / fear which is around before the person gets ill. So that fact that he’s always been a bit jealous and now has a belief system based around that is not a surprise

While this man is sick you are never going to be able to make him feel better. While he is sick you will never be happy. While he is sick he will never be accountable for his behaviour. While he is sick your happiness will be controlled by his illness. You need to either force him to accept medical help (ie have him sectioned if this is possible) or leave.