(Weird) Question about making friends

[DizzyMissSunshine]

I have managed to go from having a decent social circle ten years ago to ending up with literally zero friends, and I feel utterly isolated and very sad about it all. No fallouts, things have just slowly fizzled out between long distance moves, long spells of illness and burnout from too much work and no play. All my fault. I’m married with kids, work full time (not a sociable workplace) and just never meet new people. Classic advice I know is to join groups, clubs, volunteer and so on. All of which I have tried. However it has become a vicious circle as my social skills are so crap now that I have lost the art of conversation, so I’m just super awkward and feel I don’t know what to say or how to talk to people any more. And when I do make some semi-successful small talk, it never turns into anything more. All of this has led to massive social anxiety so I just can’t bring myself to ask someone I don’t know if they want to go for a coffee.

My weird question is, could anyone share examples of specifically how you have made friends in adulthood? Not just ‘I joined an art class’, but how did you move from small talk all the way through to established friendships? I am worried that I’ll never experience the joy of friendship again. Is it possible to pull it back from this?

I don’t have any friends for a similar reason but when I did have them the only way I’ve been able to keep them is by being very quiet and letting them do all or most of the talking

I feel qualified to answer your question, as I’m in my third country in six years. I had a big friendship circle at home (my school friends, uni friends, work friends, kids’ school friends’ parents and neighbours). We moved overseas for work when the children left home, and I knew no one except my (mostly male) colleagues.

I joined meet-up groups and book groups that were advertised in my local Starbucks. I read some amount of shite, but I went religiously and worked out who I would like to see again. I then found events (talks, shows etc) I was interested in, and emailed the people I liked from meet-up/ book group individually and asked them if they wanted to come. Most people said yes, and that then led into a coffee/meal relationship.

I know it’s hard, but you need to put yourself out there. In my experience, people are very open to making new friends. I work long hours, and I’m exhausted most of the time, but if I didn’t make the effort, all my social life would be with DH (and lovely as he is, that’s not what I want).

Good luck. The worst that can happen is that someone says no.

I took up a sport and made a really good friend that way. We were part of a coaching group and after the event, we trained together for more events and just clicked.

some amount of shite, but I went religiously and worked out who I would like to see again

^this, in a nutshell

(Generally yes, though not necessarily book groups in my particular case as I prefer my own reading - but I suspect true generally )

I made two really close friends about 5 years ago in my 50s.

We met at a course that was studying a subject that is a shared passion of ours. It was one day a week for two years and our friendship grew steadily.

To specifically answer your question on how did we move from small talk to established friendship, well the small talk we started with was all related to the subject so it was kind of easy. We helped each other with our studies, sat by each other and had lunch together. Going through the exams kind of pushed us closer together as we were all in the same tricky boat. We went on days out together to help with our studies and just gradually got to know each other and the more we did, the more we realised we had in common and liked about each other.

Slowly and from a point of shared interest is my answer. Also, I think, none of us went looking for friendship - it was just the happiest by product of following our interest.

I'm in the same boat. Lived here all my life and have a lot of school and ex work friends. My neighbour has been here 4 years and know way more people in our area than I do. When I asked her, she said, "Oh I'm nosey" whatever that meant.

My issue is - I could join some groups but most people there seem to have friends they sit with already. I am not very confident due to having a very controlling mother so I'm scared to ask anyone for coffee etc in case they refuse and then what little confidence I have would be shot to pieces and I'd probably never ask anyone again.

I've recently (few months back) made a really lovely new friend.

I was co-running a free nerdy event locally and she came to look, we quickly got chatting.

I don't small talk, I'm neurodivergent and don't have the skills. And she's very similar.

We are similar in many ways and like some similar things, it just works.

So just striking up a quirky chat with someone you think looks potentially cool and compatible is my best advice.

I'm 47 and seem to meet new friends quite easy.

I have my circle from teens/early 20s, we meet 3/4 times however we're all at different parenting stages which makes it difficult.

I'm part of the school PCA where I've met some mums who I socialise with (kid friendly) outside of school events.

I met a mum 2 years ago as our daughter did a hobby together. Ended up doing a second different hobby and after weeks of hellos etc we now go for a costa/starbucks when the kids are in group.

Definitely having the kids in common helps

If you're busy, finding someone (or a group) to spend time with, who you can connect with easily may be challenging.

I'd keep expectations low....there's nothing wrong with not having a big gang of mates.

I find I'm a lot happier with low expectations, and a mix of self-care and low-key socialising.

You have commitments, they do too...definitely people who would enjoy eventually connecting with you but don't have the time to invest to see if anything develops (as they have their own stuff to deal with).

I'd say to find an activity or activities you like, which you find nourishing.

One with regular meets, where you can have a good conversation (whatever your personal equivalent of going down a friendly village pub is!).

Go with your feeling....I find when I'm forcing myself to enjoy a group, it's not for me! I even invest in a longer commute to get to the friendly one (others do the same).

If you're quieter or anxious a friendly group will NOT make you feel uncomfortable.

You don't need to be best friends straight away or exchanging numbers, but not where there's clearly a clique or new people aren't welcomed, or people do that annoying "talking about those they know" thing.

One of my favourite group people rambles a bit (may be anxiety) - but overall he's a regular/familiar face and seems content and included! And me and others would miss him if not there.

I've been actively trying a few groups over last few months and ruthlessly discarded anything with an unfriendly vibe (often it's down to how well my face fits).

I actually don't have time for 1-1 meets, but I'd say a lot of my social needs are now fulfilled.

And I'm more of a familiar face now, so I feel like I "could" have 1-1 connections as time progresses (if I wanted to reach out).

When younger, I used to go into groups wanting to have a really deep connection with people who really "got" me. But actually drinks and a few light, interesting conversations with civil people is fine.

Agree it may seem like it's just "small talk" to a certain extent.

However, I do think people at the work/family life stage just don't have time to really focus on one new person.

Unless they're weird or pushy or have negative motivations...

I find I can get on really well with someone, then it's hard to get things off the ground.

It may be better to have a group thing you can do so there's a natural way to spend time together.

It may seem impersonal compared to meeting someone individually, but it takes the pressure off doing the whole "will you be my friend?" dynamic. Plus no worrying about hurt feelings or rejection or worrying yourself if you are too tired to turn up!

There are some great podcasts about friendship that have been recommended here previously that I found very interesting, worth giving a listen to get the inside track on the most successful strategies.

I have made friends through art classes. At the end of the term I usually decide on two or three people I'd like to see outside of the class and give them a Christmas/Easter/freestyle card that I have designed myself and write my phone number and email and insta details inside and that if they would fancy meeting up in the holidays to get in touch. This usually works pretty well in moving things forward from classmates to friends outside of the classroom.

The first time I did this it seemed like a big deal but now it seems like an easy thing to do. Social skills need regular practice I think for all of us as the pandemic highlighted.

Acting classes are a great way to meet people as you have to really connect during the class and place trust in each other. Anything where you see the same people on a weekly basis with a shared interest is good though.

Don't give up OP, you can make new friends at end time of life and for me friendships is one of the very best gifts that life has to offer.

I’ve ended up in this situation too. I lost a lot of confidence and slipped into feeling more comfortable isolating myself. Most Meetup groups here revolve around dining and drinking. Dining with strangers is too awkward for me and I’m not much of a drinker.

I went along to a walking group a few times and did my best to be friendly, but it’s difficult when they have 50+ attendees, people just sort of pair off. I remember a few people who lived nearby were looking for a lift to one of the walking locations so I offered. They chatted to each other the whole journey but ignored me, and when we got to the car park they immediately walked off without so much as a thank you! I didn’t bother going back.

I tried a women’s running club but it felt too cliquey. They ran and chatted in little groups, catching up on each other’s weeks while I more often than not ended up on my own. I stuck it out for a couple of months but I’d get home feeling worse so called it a day. After that I ended up with quite bad social anxiety as I thought there must be something wrong with me.

It’s so bloody hard. I’m going to sign up to a class starting in October as I’ve found shared study the best way to connect with people.

OP, I have been feeling really upset this week as I seem to be in this situation too. Lots of acquaintances but close friendships seem to have been really badly impacted by a period of care giving and then financial problems and ill health. Two friends who I could do things with and go away with, but who have other close friends who turned out to be unavailable for a while then reappeared so I appear to have filled a gap. I go through phases when I can make the effort and others when I just dont have it in me. I have found you have to find activities you really like and to keep doing them for at least 6 months without being put off by cliques. It takes a while for people to get used to you.

That's exactly how I feel about coming in to an established group. I just don't have the confidence to walk up to somebody and say, "Hi I'm Rachael etc". The only thing that would work for me would be if another person joined at the same time and didn't know anyone either.

I'm in the exact same boat. Half of me wishes I had more friends to share time with and half of me knows that I'm essentially an introvert who likes their own company and find most people incredibly dull.

Have you tried an app where you make platonic friends on? Plenty on app store. You could practise your chatting skills before you meet someone on the app?

Hi op god its hard. I joined few things too then it fizzled out walking etc. Felt one was nice we met through kids sport. Thanks for text mary childminding this week I meet u following.
Nothing. Nobody follows anything up now. Its really disheartening im 50s

Confidence is the key factor in making friends, maybe that’s what you need to be working on …. Have you ever considered having clinical hypnotherapy, it’s a great way to help with anxiety..

Following with interest as I'm in a similar situation. I've had good friends over the years but people have moved towns and so now all my friend relationships exist via messages, phone calls and occasional visits.

I'd love to find friends locally and/or find a community to be part of but haven't had any luck so far.

@Churchview that sounds ideal! What type of course subject did you do? I'm curious to know what kind of courses offer 1 day a week study for 2 years as it sounds quite unusual.

In my first 5 years in the UK I had no friend. In my experience, it takes a lot of time and perseverance to establish a new friendship, but once the ball starts rolling it will multiply. Small talk is all about finding a common ground. The more diverse your life experience is, the better chance you will have finding it. In practice, that means trying new things, but go for breadth rather than depth (eg. doing 5 taster classes for different things instead of a 5 day course focusingbon 1 thing). The best conversation opening line is "I tried out X but sucked at it". I don't say you need to do things you hate, but just open to things you may otherwise feel neutral about.

It may not be too late to re-establish old friendships too. It's common for friendship to fade over time, but it's possible to rekindle it with sufficient time. If people don't ask you to go out, just call them and say you want to visit.

This! Part of the problem is I like my own company, and people tend to start annoying me after a while. The thought of actively trying to build new friendships with all that entails, and that probably won’t go anywhere anyway, is exhausting. I’ve invested so much time in people in the past only for them to turn out to be twats who took advantage of my time and support but were nowhere to be seen when I needed them. It would be nice to have more people to go out with, especially as I’m single, but my previous experiences have made me very cynical.

I've also found that it was always up to me to suggest meet ups. If I hadn't, none of the others would have bothered.

I made a friend by admitting during a conversation at a party that I hadn’t made as many local friends as I had hoped since moving to the area, and that working full time made it difficult. She said she felt the same, and we agreed to go for a walk together.

Basically I took a risk and went from small talk to something more personal, and I got lucky.

I've found new friends through a language class, a church group and a casual job that I do. I'm quite shy and find that it takes time. I try to work out who might be someone that I'd like to be friends with and then talk to them regularly. I also try to be open and to make it clear that I don't have a 'perfect life' as I find people like that very off putting. I find it helps to give off a positive energy and to ask questions about the other person's life without being too pushy. This usually leads to one or the other suggesting something low key like meeting for a coffee and it goes from there.

I never do well in group environments, so when I've gone to classes I've tried my best but end up feeling worse than ever. The two friends I now have were ones I met online, via Bumble and Facebook Dating. You can set these to find people who are looking for friends. It's basically dating, but for friends and thankfully I found it easier to meet compatible friends than I did boyfriends!

It was a horticultural vocational course run by the RHS. Gardening is my passion.
There are hundreds, if not thousands, of 'day release' type courses in colleges across the UK in everything from carpentry to cookery. What I found on these courses were people, often starting out on a second career, who had come from all walks of life. A really mixed bag of experiences, ages, motivations - it was a real change from my previous professional studies where everyone was of an ilk. It made it really easy to make friends and also broaden my horizons with a range of people - all of whom had decided to make a new start (and new friends).