(Weird) Question about making friends

[DizzyMissSunshine]

I have managed to go from having a decent social circle ten years ago to ending up with literally zero friends, and I feel utterly isolated and very sad about it all. No fallouts, things have just slowly fizzled out between long distance moves, long spells of illness and burnout from too much work and no play. All my fault. I’m married with kids, work full time (not a sociable workplace) and just never meet new people. Classic advice I know is to join groups, clubs, volunteer and so on. All of which I have tried. However it has become a vicious circle as my social skills are so crap now that I have lost the art of conversation, so I’m just super awkward and feel I don’t know what to say or how to talk to people any more. And when I do make some semi-successful small talk, it never turns into anything more. All of this has led to massive social anxiety so I just can’t bring myself to ask someone I don’t know if they want to go for a coffee.

My weird question is, could anyone share examples of specifically how you have made friends in adulthood? Not just ‘I joined an art class’, but how did you move from small talk all the way through to established friendships? I am worried that I’ll never experience the joy of friendship again. Is it possible to pull it back from this?

I totally get you on this. The thought of sitting over coffee or drinks once a week to make small talk appalls me.

My friends have come through studying and volunteering. We start with a shared point of interest and so it's never dull as it's about sharing our passion for the subject - gardening in my case. We visit gardens, talk about gardens and garden together. Might be dull to others but it works for us.

Thinking more about this, I think my friends are also introverts really. We wouldn't seek out someone for Saturday shopping company or talking about grandchildren company. We'd rather be alone than do that. The companionship that comes through the shared hobby is enough to stop us feeling lonely but not so much that it eats into our 'own company' time and need.

Thank you everyone. These replies are actually so helpful and actionable, I appreciate it. I love the point some of you have made about meeting your social needs through attending groups or classes in things you love, without the need for forging deep individual connections outside of it. Also those that suggested finding something you love and persevering with it until you become part of the furniture. I have given up on things too quickly before and probably gone in with unrealistic hopes and expectations. You have all inspired me to try some new things and hopefully stick with something I love, irrespective of whether it feels like friendships will grow out of it, and just see what happens. I agree about the positive energy thing as well and several other points made.

Resonating with a lot of you here. Also neurodivergent, also introverted, also prefer my own company, also severely lacking in time and energy. That makes it hard when on a day to day basis you’d rather be spending your snatches of free time quietly at home. However when there is nobody outside of family that you can laugh with or talk to or share things with, ever, that is even harder I think. So clearly it needs some compromise.

I’m sorry that a number of us here are in the same boat. I hope some of these responses have helped you too and I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone in this.

I joined a sports club that used to go to the pub together after training. I just went along, did small talk, and over the time, this became my friendship group. Seeing people and chatting to them 1-2x per week fulfilled my need for social interaction for the time being, but over the years, I also got closer to 2-3 people from this group who I now sometimes meet one-to-one. I think such adult friendships don’t develop quickly, they more develop from group settings.

@DizzyMissSunshine reading your last post I have to say how thoughtful, interesting, interested and kind you sound. If you put yourself out there in a way and environment that suits you people are going to love you and will count themselves lucky to have you as a friend.

I have changed jobs a few times and generally make work friends who I chat with or go for lunch. When I leave I make the effort to keep in touch with anyone I get on especially well with and don't want to lose contact, suggest coffee/walk/drinks or whatever. Sometimes you meet up once or twice, other times a friendship sticks.

I've made some good friends in recent years ( lost some friends too so just as well!)

Friend 1: Met her through a work situation, she recruited me into a job. We went for a coffee as part of the post offer process which turned into 2 bottles of wine and we really hit it off and developed from there, continued to meet up periodically.

Friend 2: our daughters started playing together at a festival. We got chatting and realized we had interests in common and agreed to meet up again/ do stuff together. Helps that the kids are friends too.

Friends 3: joined a local women's Facebook friendship group. Got involved with putting on some events. Am making some friends through this.

I'm not great at making friends at all, and I've lost a few along the way( fall outs/ drama)

I'd suggest finding, or even starting, a local meet up group. It helps to connect with people who actively want to develop new friendships. A lot of people are saturated with friends and developing new ones is not particularly on their radar.

I made some really close friends through work by basically just inviting myself to their house😁 kind of like this eg “what are you up to at the weekend ?” “Fuck all the kids are at their dads and I’m home alone “ “ oh really , fancy a visitor ? Here’s my number , if you feel like company mssg me , I’ll drop round and we can get pissed and watch shit tv”. I’ve spent nearly every sat night for the past 10 years at my friends house . Basically let them know your keen to hang out , give a low level low energy specific ish option , and give them an easy out if they’re not feeling it . Nobody has to think too much and nobody has to wear a bra !

It really does start with pleasant friendly small talk.

Be warm, but definitely not desperate.

Depending on where you are/what situation you're in:

A friendly casual you must come over for a cup of tea, the door's always open...are you free now, or whatever feels right to say.

...that coffee shop looks lovely. Do you fancy one and a slice of cake, or whatever again feels right to say.

If you genuinely click/feel you are drawn to that person, they usually will feel the same, and if you make that first step, it can be the beginning of a lovely friendship.

Great advice! Met one at school we do odd coffee. We booked a play for xmas. Its nice. Good to have friends/hobbies.

Are you sure there isn't one person at your work who you could see as a potential friend? My office is quite young but there is one person about my age and we just happened to be making tea at the same time. I could t think of anything to say so I said how much I liked her trousers (I did!) and asked where they were from.. which led onto how we feel we have outgrown ASOS and other shops we have both tried.. which led into a walk around the park at lunch as we ended up in the lift together.. and it sent from there.

Other 'new' friends have come from parents of DCs friends that I have got on with (there are 3/4). And also I joined a choir. There was someone else new on the same night so we got chatting as we sat next to each other. Realised we had loads in common and are now really close friends.

As others have said, I definitely think it helps if there is a 'thing' that is the reason people are there in the first place.. as that's really all you can talk about at the beginning and it takes the pressure off

I seem to meet people through school or hobbies, but I find it really hard to makes connections beyond that. It is difficult.

Work ones fizzle once you leave.. dont know its really difficult in your 50s. My friend said retirement group was so cliquey.

Chat to people. Ask them
If they want to go for a coffee/ dog walk/ drink etc.. ?

That's fine for confident people but I'd be in a state all day trying to work up the courage to ask people, then fearing rejection. Also, nobody has ever come up to me wanting to take a casual acquaintance further.

I think at a certain stage in your life, if you're quiet and lack confidence like me, sometimes it's better to cut your losses and be happy with a few friends and your own company.

Yes I suggest coffee then oh they get back to you then nothing.. no wonder people confidence is low.