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Original poster

Widower issue

28 replies

herewegoagain1960s · 21/06/2024 16:59

I live in a small cul de sac and lost my husband 3 years ago. I'm early 60's.

I've done nothing about thinking about a next chapter as I'm quite happy with the way things are.

My neighbour lost his wife a few week's ago, funeral was only last week. All the neighbours have offered help but it's me he tends to ask which is fine as I'm next door. Happy to help out. I'm able bodied and independent so I am in a position to offer support. His daughter asked me to an eye on him as he's approaching 80 and really quite disabled. His daughter isn't local. This week he called and asked if I could help him put eye drops in so been going in 3 times a day.

Wednesday, he said he'd make dinner to say thank you. I agreed to go. I'm astonished that he has said that he would like to go on dates with me and that he has always felt there was a spark between us.

I certainly don't feel the same way and probably handled it badly as I'm conscious he's recently widowed. I said I can offer friendship but that's all. I think it's fallen on deaf ears as he really does look at me with fondness and suggested an outing next week.

It's made me feel really uncomfortable. I know I'm going to have to have a more pointed conversation but I really hate hurting peoples feelings.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Beanie567 · 21/06/2024 17:04

He’s got his eye on you as a ‘nurse with a purse’. You need to disengage asap, get someone else to do the eye drops, become far less available. That doesn’t mean become unfriendly, it means pull away and let others fill the gap. And do it now while others are still willing to do so.

tartancladpjs · 21/06/2024 17:06

God it really doesn't take men long to try and find a new carer.

Honestly he's taking the piss regardless of his age, his poor wife has only been gone a few weeks and he's already trying to replace her.

I'd be backing right off the daughter will start using you, which is happening already.

It's way above and beyond for a neighbour to be helping with eye drops, he needs a carer in maybe.

IncognitoUsername · 21/06/2024 17:23

I’d back off and let him know that I would tell daughter what he said if she kicked up a fuss.

Seaoftroubles · 21/06/2024 17:25

I'd be backing off and l would tell his daughter the reason why. Also ask her to make other arrangements regarding administering thd eye drops, thats really not your job.l would then explain to him that since losing your husband you have no plans to start a new relationship and are happy as you are. Don't feel too sorry for him, he is only thinking about what suits him!

Uricon2 · 21/06/2024 17:26

Tell his daughter that you are unable to assist any further for personal reasons (you do NOT need to explain why) and suggest a carer. Back right off.

Widowed a few weeks, I remarried after my first husband's death but this suggests an agenda that is nothing to do with your (I'm sure lovely) self OP.

RiverF · 21/06/2024 17:29

Tell his daughter you were happy to help out short term, but can't take on the caring commitment permanently and she or he need to make other arrangements.

OhamIreally · 21/06/2024 17:30

He's targeting you as his new carer.

How reprehensible when his wife is barely cold. He sees you as an available woman and thinks he's entitled to your unpaid labour. To some extent you think it yourself as you say you're "in a position to support".

No you're not. You're in a position to enjoy this stage of your life unencumbered by expectations of your time and effort.

MateysMusing · 21/06/2024 17:32

The guy's nearly 80, he hasnt got time to let the grass grow. And as for widowers vs widows its well known men tend to move onto the next after only a matter of months whereas its years for women, on average of course.

I guess the slightest hint of contact with this old boy will be seen as a come on so you'll need to extract quickly.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/06/2024 17:34

I think you need to go on a nice holiday ( if you are able). That will break the cycle of going in to put his drops in 😵‍💫.

Then just be unavailable when you return.

Onelifeonly · 21/06/2024 17:39

I think I'd find it too intimate to administer eye drops to a neighbour. Guess he's seen this as you encouraging him. I'd be clear that I had no interest in a relationship with him but don't mind helping out a little as a neighbour. If he can't accept this, I'd make myself unavailable. (I'm your age and the idea of a relationship with an 80 year old is NOT at all appealing!)

pinkdelight · 21/06/2024 17:41

Yikes! Definitely draw a firm line. He's not going to get the message about friends and indeed you don't want to be friends, do you? You're his neighbour and need very firm boundaries or he'll not get it. Tell the daughter you can't do eye drops or other such commitments. It's not on you, or indeed her. He needs carers if he can't do it himself. The nearest available woman should not be put about to deal with this.

ginasevern · 21/06/2024 17:48

He is lining you up as his carer. Unfortunately you are falling into the typical female trap of not wanting to hurt a man's feelings. You aren't alone, we are conditioned in so many ways to think we musn't upset them or be "unkind" even when we know deep down what their game is.

I'd like to say he's disgusting for coming onto you when his wife is barely cold but the majority of widowers and divorced men get straight back in the saddle.

Stop doing his eye drops or anything else for him. If his daughter phones and asks again just tell her you have your own health issues. She'll have to step up or find an alternative. Honestly, you need to stop this before it starts.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 21/06/2024 17:59

Nip this in the bud, his daughter will leave you as his carer and you'll end up taking more and more of his care on.

Tell him directly you will be unable to help him with his eye drops or anything else anymore, message his daughter and say you will no longer be able to offer any assistance and she should organise care/help for him.

Don't offer excuses/reasons/lies as it will just give them reason to talk you round them. Put that boundary firmly in place. Keep the relationship just as neighbours.

NewtGuineaPig · 21/06/2024 18:02

Definitely stop being available to help. My friend's dad actually lined up a new wife (she was a care home worker) while his wife was dying of cancer. I think they got married a couple of weeks after the funeral, obviously my friend never spoke to dad again.

HarrytheHobbit · 21/06/2024 18:06

He can get carers in to administer the eyedrops. If you think you are able to it might be worthwhile having a quiet word with his daughter about his intentions towards you.

Greatdomestic · 21/06/2024 19:49

Hi op

I agree with the previous posters, disengage immediately.

Do not agree to go on any outings, shopping or doing anything else for him.

And I do think a spontaneous holiday is in order.

These types of men don't care about your wants and needs and expect you to do their bidding, no questions asked. Don't get roped into anything at all. Before you know it you will be asked all sorts.

He needs alternative support. You are not available.

BagPoops · 21/06/2024 19:50

Block his number, get a ring doorbell, and ignore him.

Original poster
herewegoagain1960s · 21/06/2024 20:04

Update, I didn't go in earlier as this is his last day of drops. He just called to find out if all was ok. I've explained that I was a bit taken aback by his discussion. He's apologised but I've been very clear that I'm just trying to be a good neighbour during a difficult personal time.

I think the point has now been made for absolute clarity,

I appreciate all your comments.

OP posts:
AllMyEggsInYourBasket · 21/06/2024 20:11

Why can't he put his own eye drops in? My daughter isn't eighty but she's a child and she had to put eye drops in six times a day and she just gets on with it. They are painful too but she understands that it's necessary.

MateysMusing · 21/06/2024 20:16

AllMyEggsInYourBasket · 21/06/2024 20:11

Why can't he put his own eye drops in? My daughter isn't eighty but she's a child and she had to put eye drops in six times a day and she just gets on with it. They are painful too but she understands that it's necessary.

Can be tricky if your really long sighted. Or maybe he likes to have a cheeky peek down the blouse 💁

HarrytheHobbit · 22/06/2024 00:50

@AllMyEggsInYourBasket

Elderly people often lack the dexterity to administer eyedrops and the bottles can be difficult for them to open.

OhamIreally · 22/06/2024 12:18

Also OP thinking about the daughter, whilst she might be happy to have a kindly neighbour share the burden she might find the idea of a new stepmum and a reduced inheritance alarming so might move quickly to make other plans.

NotTram · 22/06/2024 12:36

Well handled.

Greatdomestic · 22/06/2024 13:30

Well done op

Plantheads5 · 22/06/2024 19:00

Well done OP.
CF.
His poor wife not cold.
How absolutely vulgar.
I would get a video bell and be unavailable.
You were obliging his daughter and him.
I wouldn't hesitate to tell her how deeply uncomfortable he made you feel and she will need to arrange carers.
I would put money on it that he will have someone else lined up sharpish, men like him always do. Disgusting.
It would make you wonder what his wife dealt with.
I think relationships after loosing a spouse is a good thing, but to be on the prowl within weeks is just awful.
I wouldn't spare his feelings if he comes near you again.