Apologies for the very long post...
I told my husband I wanted to separate in February, but we decided to give it another go for the sake of the kids. He hasn't supported me for years, which I put up with, but since having our second child, it's become a bigger issue. I had terrible post natal anxiety & depression & it's really made me reevaluate my life. He doesn't get up in the morning, does nothing around the house etc. It's been a bit of a running joke amongst our friends about how useless he is, but when you're living it, it's not funny. He also went out to the pub minimum of twice a week, leaving me to do bedtimes etc. He still quite often does.
I realised I'd been unhappy & plodding for a while & started to go out with my friends a bit more - every month - 6 weeks or so. Last summer, I messed up - I ended up chatting to a guy when I was out & we exchanged msgs on social media for a couple of weeks. My husband found out & went crazy - he trashed the house & since then, he watches every move I make. He checks my phone, emails, goes through my bag. When he has a drink he gets angry, calls me names, keeps me awake at night verbally abusing me. I get that I destroyed the trust we had, so I just accept that's what I have to put up with. He says it's what I have to put up with 'for the time being' because of what I've done.
It's made me even more unhappy & in February I ended up kissing a guy when I was drunk one night. That was the reason I tried to finish it as I knew my behaviour wasn't right. It was the worst thing I could ever have done & I will forever feel guilty. He also knows about this & things have gotten even worse. I know I've messed up - I feel like I've let myself & the kids down. I've lowered myself to his level by doing that.
He goes mad if I suggest going out & even stopped me from going out with a friend the other week. He's happy for me to go to a local pub but not into town & he always sets a curfew. Sometimes it's just not worth it though as I get so much grief for even asking to go out.
My family & friends think I'm being emotionally abused - and they know my behaviour has been so out of character. They don't condone what I've done at all, but they also see how unhappy I am. I've tried to tell him again that I think it's over, but he just won't let me go. He says I'll never find anyone who loves me like he does, that I'll be responsible for destroying our kids lives. He says he's not responsible for how I feel - I need to admit that it's all me. He uses my mental health against me a lot - he says I'm 'not well' and I need to admit it. He accused me of having a 'psychotic episode' the other week when I tried to stand up to him & threatened to call the police on me. He's sent me numerous articles on midlife crises etc as he thinks I'm having some sort of breakdown.
He can be horrible to me but then expects us to be intimate as it's his way of him feeling 'close' to me & he says I should be making him feel wanted after what I've done. The next day he can be lovely to me & then I feel guilty & anxious. It's the mood swings that I really struggle with.
I'm just so confused about whether all of this is my fault because of what I've done, and that maybe I deserve it. I just don't know what to do.