Am I to blame for my situation?

[Anon1621]

Apologies for the very long post...

I told my husband I wanted to separate in February, but we decided to give it another go for the sake of the kids. He hasn't supported me for years, which I put up with, but since having our second child, it's become a bigger issue. I had terrible post natal anxiety & depression & it's really made me reevaluate my life. He doesn't get up in the morning, does nothing around the house etc. It's been a bit of a running joke amongst our friends about how useless he is, but when you're living it, it's not funny. He also went out to the pub minimum of twice a week, leaving me to do bedtimes etc. He still quite often does.

I realised I'd been unhappy & plodding for a while & started to go out with my friends a bit more - every month - 6 weeks or so. Last summer, I messed up - I ended up chatting to a guy when I was out & we exchanged msgs on social media for a couple of weeks. My husband found out & went crazy - he trashed the house & since then, he watches every move I make. He checks my phone, emails, goes through my bag. When he has a drink he gets angry, calls me names, keeps me awake at night verbally abusing me. I get that I destroyed the trust we had, so I just accept that's what I have to put up with. He says it's what I have to put up with 'for the time being' because of what I've done.

It's made me even more unhappy & in February I ended up kissing a guy when I was drunk one night. That was the reason I tried to finish it as I knew my behaviour wasn't right. It was the worst thing I could ever have done & I will forever feel guilty. He also knows about this & things have gotten even worse. I know I've messed up - I feel like I've let myself & the kids down. I've lowered myself to his level by doing that.

He goes mad if I suggest going out & even stopped me from going out with a friend the other week. He's happy for me to go to a local pub but not into town & he always sets a curfew. Sometimes it's just not worth it though as I get so much grief for even asking to go out.

My family & friends think I'm being emotionally abused - and they know my behaviour has been so out of character. They don't condone what I've done at all, but they also see how unhappy I am. I've tried to tell him again that I think it's over, but he just won't let me go. He says I'll never find anyone who loves me like he does, that I'll be responsible for destroying our kids lives. He says he's not responsible for how I feel - I need to admit that it's all me. He uses my mental health against me a lot - he says I'm 'not well' and I need to admit it. He accused me of having a 'psychotic episode' the other week when I tried to stand up to him & threatened to call the police on me. He's sent me numerous articles on midlife crises etc as he thinks I'm having some sort of breakdown.

He can be horrible to me but then expects us to be intimate as it's his way of him feeling 'close' to me & he says I should be making him feel wanted after what I've done. The next day he can be lovely to me & then I feel guilty & anxious. It's the mood swings that I really struggle with.

I'm just so confused about whether all of this is my fault because of what I've done, and that maybe I deserve it. I just don't know what to do.

@Anon1621 He's made it clear he'd go for 50/50 with the kids which means he would give me less money. He tells me how awful life will be if we're not together - that the boys will have a new step mum eventually, separate Christmases etc. He says I'm not thinking of all of this because I'm being selfish.

and just imagine, the boys could have a new step dad who DOES get up and spend time with them, just cos.

holidays together with someone who’s a partner, not a layabout, Christmas; ditto.

yes, you’re thinking of all this and more.

and they all say they will go for 50/50. Well he HAS the opportunity for 50/50 now, buts he’s basically 90/10 at a push.

So I finally told my husband that I want to separate around 2 weeks ago. It's been really difficult as he's not accepting that it's over. I'm getting texts either being really nice, saying how much he loves me etc, or I'm being told how selfish I am & I'm not putting our children first. We've potentially got around 5/6 months of living like this as we need to file for divorce, get a consent order, sell the house etc.

At the moment he just keeps telling me I'm having a midlife crisis & that I'm going to regret this in a year or so. He knows me so well, so he knows what to say to frighten me. He's saying I'll lose friends (as a lot of them are linked to both of us) and that I'm leaving a nice house to go & live somewhere awful as it's all I'll be able to afford, how unfair that is on the kids. He says the only person benefiting from this is me because I'm running away from our problems rather than sorting them. I know he's doing it to try & get in my head & to get me to change my mind, but it's so hard when it's every day.

The thought of having months of this just makes me feel so unhappy. Does anyone have any positive post divorce / separation stories as would be good to hear right now. Thank you x

@Anon1621 I’m out the other side and the peace I feel now is amazing. I really have got my life back. The work I’ve put into myself and my career is starting to pay off and everything is going my way. The universe has really looked after me in terms of presenting me with new opportunities. Everything about my life is completely unrecognisable compared to 2 years ago and I love living on my own terms. You get one precious life, don’t waste it being unhappy.

If you feel you have to respond to his messages, just repeat the same thing over and over. Try not to get emotional in your replies. “This hasn’t been working for a long time and it’s time for us both to move on and be happy” or some variation. Honestly, if he was serious about change he’d be doing it by taking himself off to individual counselling and making the changes you’ve been asking for. But he’s not doing that, he’s just trying to use fear, obligation, and guilt to put you back in your box.

I lived with STBXH for nearly 6months while we sold the house and it was a tricky time. He was accepting and cooperative as we split due to his affair and there was an amount of guilt on his part. Realistically, it could take a lot longer if he’s not accepting the situation and being difficult, so find ways around that. One of my friends who went through similar spent a lot of time at weekends at friends houses to stay out of his way so get your support network in place and don’t be scared to use them.

It sounds very difficult as you predicted it would be. Good luck with it and seek support from friends and family where you can (preferably family / friends that are primarily yours). And take each day one at a time.

"If he was horrible all the time I could probably cope with it better. It's the up & down - so yesterday he was lovely, telling me how much he loves me, making jokes etc. I just get so confused."

Google the cycle of abuse. This is a classic case. He manipulates you by throwing you crumbs so he can have the opportunity to keep abusing you.

I do. I was in an in house separation and I swear to you that from the minute I left him the feeling of peace and the return of joy in my life started to grow. He's barely a blip on my radar now.
You won't feel better as long as you're with him, especially being manipulated like this. The only way to save your sanity in an in house separation is grey rock.
Look up grey rock technique. It's basically a way of shutting down any communication that isn't of a purely practical nature. That way you don't give him the opportunity to manipulate you.

Thanks so much for your replies - really appreciate it x

Things have been tough over the last few days. Still very up & down. Yesterday was our wedding anniversary so he was not in a good place. Decided to announce that he refuses to divorce, sell the house etc. Said if I wasn't willing to do something for him (I.e. give it another chance for the kids) then he wouldn't do anything for me. He got really nasty again, saying horrible things. Told me to 'buckle up' as I was in for a long wait before he'll do anything re: separating. Today has also been difficult but this evening he's said he was just hurt yesterday & said to give him a couple of weeks to process things - said he now understands we're over & in a couple of weeks he'll discuss everything.

Let's hope he means it this time, but I constantly feel on edge as I never know what mood he will be in or if he'll change his mind on things. I go from feeling so angry / frustrated to feeling guilty or even sad for him - it's crazy. Head is all over the place. I just hope all of this heartache & pain will be worth it one day.

Blimey. Your family is right, he is abusive. Why are you not listening to them?

Educate yourself on abuse, not just the one article, read up on it, plenty of material on YouTube too. The more you know, the less likely you are to seek to stay in this relationship. The kids deserve better from both of you. They are unable to choose for themselves.

The reason you are seeking affection elsewhere is a consequence of the life you are living. Yes you choose to do that on a night out as you feel unloved, but its wrong non the less if you have made a promise to someone else to at least try with them. Your DH then decides to destroy you further, and you accept it by staying. Regardless of how much of an ass your DH is. Divorce, get the life you want and deserve. Dont let him make you believe your worth is less just because he says so. Know your worth, specifically for your kids.

"Decided to announce that he refuses to divorce"

He is ridiculous. He has no choice in the matter. You don't need his permission to divorce him.
The court may force the sale of the house, so he likely has no choice about that either. "Buckle up" signifies he is going to make it as difficult as possible. You might tell him it will not matter how difficult he makes it, that you are determined and nothing will stop you.

Be extremely wary of his supposed change of heart. What he is doing is switching from raging to manipulation. They have three modes of controlling you; rage, charm and self pity. He will cycle through all three of them, whatever it takes to get you under his thumb. Do not be fooled.

He's dragging this out isn't he. You told him a couple of weeks ago, he wants a couple more weeks before he'll discuss it

Now you're down to 5 months on interest only on the mortgage.

Could you start the process of filing for divorce? Get the ball rolling, organise mediation about the financial side of things. Look into what you'd be entitled to financially.

It's clear he's not a proactive man so you need to start out you'll be stuck in s horrible atmosphere until you agree to stay.

This.

Grey rock him - that might help. Try to ignore as much as possible.

Well done for making the move and telling him it's over. He sounds absolutely vile - manipulative, cruel, abusive, uncaring about the children.

He won't go for 50-50. Too much hassle.

Sending strength. Imagine how wonderful your life will be after your divorced!

It struck me that there's a lot of him telling you how you are selfish, how you are letting the kids down, how you are having a breakdown, how you will regret leaving him and how you need to 'buckle up'. So absolutely no acknowledgement of how he makes you feel and no understanding of YOUR needs.
I don't blame you for wanting affection and understanding from someone else. He doesn't take your feelings into consideration and when you tell him you want to separate, he's now telling you, you are emotionally unstable and going through a mid life crisis.
I would go grey rock with him, don't react to his threats of 50/50, when he tells everyone you're having a breakdown, stay calm and reasonable. He'll pull out loads more stunts but keep your eye on the prize. A life away from him.

Op is there any way you can get out that house? You need a physical separation and a separation agreement pronto. That will then let you think clearly without him breathing down your neck. It takes a while to sort all this stuff out but I promise you it's all so worth it. You are doing your children the biggest favour getting them out of this, not to mention yourself. The sooner you can get into a routine the better, and then communication only about the kids after that. If he takes on the mortgage and pays you maintenance, you'll be able to get your own home...it's scary but you need to make the leap. It's these big moves that make the difference!

It's been a while since I've posted & a lot has happened. I'm currently at my mums with the boys & I've had to involve his family due to other concerns that I have. I finally went to them last week when I felt like I couldn't handle him anymore. They staged a sort of intervention yesterday to confront him about his issues but it didn't work - as I suspected it wouldn't. Whilst they were meeting with him yesterday afternoon, I left the house & have been at my mums since (his family were aware this would happen - they even advised me to go as they knew he'd be angry).

I just hope that things will start to get better from here on out. I've finally left but don't feel the relief I thought I would. I think because I know there's a long road ahead. We've got to meet tomorrow to discuss arrangements for the kids. I'll be telling him I'm filing for divorce. He won't speak to me at the moment - all communication is coming via his mum or sister.

He really is a master manipulator. I know that going forwards he will do everything he can to discredit me. It hurts but I guess I just have to try & rise above it.

It sometimes feels like this is all happening to someone else, if that makes sense? I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally go. And there's a small part of me that feels guilty / concerned about him, even though I have been put through so much by him for so long now.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time previously to reply to me x

“Sometimes it's just not worth it though as I get so much grief for even asking to go out.”

I bet he doesn’t have to ask you if he can go out? You need to split up, why would you stay and be treated like this? Yeh you also have not behaved well and if he can’t handle that then he should of left you, not stay with you and punish you daily

DON'T meet him tomorrow. Make the arrangements via email and get your relatives to hand the children over (as long as you are sure they are safe and will get them back.

STOP talking to him. You don't need to engage by announcing your moves. He'll know the divorce is coming when your solicitor sends the forms. You don't need to meet to tell him beforehand.

Also, my advice is to read up on emotional abuse and how it happens. It will give you the insight you need into his way of thinking. You'll also realise it had nothing to do with you. It's definitely him, and if he starts seeing another woman, that lucky woman will find out he'll be just the same with her eventually. (Be prepared for threats of violence/suicide. And he probably won't want custody - it's a threat to get at you).

Well done for getting out, your children now have a chance of growing up without the trauma and normalisation of witnessing all that abuse.

Sure some will say cheating (whether it goes beyond a kiss or not) is unforgivable etc but honestly, I'd argue that context matters. You've clearly been deeply unhappy with him for a long time and it sounds like he has really let you down / not been there for you and your children.

Then the way he's treated you recently - the curfews and monitoring of your communications... it's no way to live your life and yes, I'd say it does sound abusive. Again some might say you brought it on yourself by being disloyal but I just don't agree - it is understandable for his trust in you to be shaken but never forgivable or excusable to insist on this level of control over another person.

Him making you out to be unwell when you're standing up to him is also terrible - classic abusive invalidation of your feelings.

It sounds like you'd be much better off without him. You shouldn't have to live like this.

Well done OP you've taken the hardest step!
It's very telling that his family are supporting you, just does how bad his behaviour is odd his family can see it.
Please don't meet him tomorrow, you all need space before talking about any sort of arrangements. A few weeks won't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Get the divorce underway and get the advice of a solicitor before you meet him again.

Just because you might have made some poor decisions in the past does not mean you have to try & make up for them, forever. Your husband trying to hold that over you is abusive & wrong.

He does not get to dictate where you go, what you do or with whom. He does not get to give you a "curfew"! You are an adult. If he doesn't like it, that's his problem.

Make an exit plan & leave this unhappy, abusive marriage. The kids will survive, you will not ruin their lives! He sounds rather unhinged, trashing the house when things don't go his way. That is not normal behaviour.