For those who've experienced a betrayal, how long did it take for the anger, contempt to pass?

[Vibing]

Its been over 18months. It comes when i least expect it. We had a gorgeous day out together last week. I felt that giddy feeling when you first meet and felt closer to him than i have in a long time.
The strangest thing after feeling those lovrly ferlings it also made me angry that we went through what we went through. And angry that even in the loveliest times im still dealing with feelings from something i didnt cause myself.

Add in a tough weekend of oncall work, over tiredness and him being focused on his own things (nothing wrong in that) but i have these feelings caused by his actions and he is going about life carefree of it. And it was a long time ago so its to him should be done and weve worked hsrd to move past it

Anyway i said i couldnt do it anymore. He took it. Asked to see his phone. Hes not given me any reason to doubt him. He asked if he had. I said no. He said in that case i just need to trust him now. Which him saying no to me seeing his phone, just freaked me out. That he wouldnt let me and that i was asking all because wr'd had a nice day and id felt close to him again

I raged on at him. He took it all. Didnt rage back. Did say some stuff. He just took it. I felt cross with myself. Cross that i never would have had these feelings if he hadnt acted and did what he did.

Were still together. I feel bad and cross at him, me, the mess and just want these feelings to never ho away.

Ive ended things a few times after what hsppened. We work it out but he says it makes him feel like he cant trust in the relationship to plan too much ahead but gets why im feeling how i feel

Can someone tell me how long it takes for the feelings of anger to stop coming back. I dont want to feel and behave like im someone im not and cause hurt back

I could have written your post. Mine's been 5 years. I'm not sure it ever really goes away but rears it's ugly head. Eventually you have to talk about how you feel again and it begins to lift. Admittedly, the gaps in between get longer but the sadness and anger are still there. I often compare it to a bereavement.

Anyway i said i couldnt do it anymore. He took it. Asked to see his
phone. Hes not given me any reason to doubt him. He asked if he had. I
said no. He said in that case i just need to trust him now. Which him
saying no to me seeing his phone, just freaked me out. That he wouldnt
let me and that i was asking all because wr'd had a nice day and id felt
close to him again

Nah, he should be completely open with all his devices and that includes you having wobbles on your way to healing.
You now don't feel safe again.

18 months is nothing in the grande scheme of betrayal.

He's lucky you have given him another chance.

On another note, truly safe relationships, the people within them don't give a shit about devices being looked at.

I’m assuming he cheated and for some reason you chose to stay? How long have you Been together?

I am sorry my opinion is if you choose to stay you can’t keep punishing him and checking his phone etc, that’s horrible. No one can live like this.

make your decision either way.

Never. Never ever ever if you've chosen to stay. The reality is you will never trust him again. How could you possibly? Just depends what trust and peace is worth to you.

That depends the betrayal - does it not.
All too often we think of just one thing - sleeping with someone else. Up to you what you tolerate, have said, etc.
For me, my ex-wife exerted emotional control over our autistic daughters for years. Then drank. Then told any one close, and eventually anyone near, that she didn't feel safe with me, leaving the suspension dots just in the right place, to create an impression I was violent.
Some betrayals can never be forgiven and that's one of them.

It doesn’t go away because you have to reconcile the fact that he supposedly ‘loved you’ with the fact he disrespected you, lied to you, and put your health at risk (assuming he cheated…)

depends whether you can live like that really as this will just keep happening.

Have you had any kind of counseling, individual or as a couple?
18 months seems like a long time, but in a healing process after infidelity, it's just a start. I don't think anyone can expect you to have let go, forgiven, or moved past your very justified anger yet. And at the same time I do sympathise with your husband, because if he really wants a fresh start, it's a long wait for him. But he should understand that his actions brought you here and he needs to give it time to heal.
If you're really stuck however, and not progressing in your joint healing process, counseling could benefit you both.

I once heard someone talk about grief and trauma, and they had an interesting take on it. They said that some version of you may have dealt with the emotions, or you've managed to work through it. And then something happens, and you change as a person. You reach a new stage in life, or you grow because of a new insight. And this new person hasn't processed it at all, so you have to start over.
What I mean is, the you who discovered the infidelity and chose to stay with him, isn't the same person you are now, 18 months later. Each day you still find new depths to what has happened and how you feel about it. On day one you're the women who found out her husband was cheating. Then one day after that you became the daughter of your parents, who was burdened with the decisions whether or not to tell your parents, and that's a whole new emotion to process, a whole new injustice.
Then one day you became the woman who was cheated on, and who has to accept that intimacy in your relationship will never be the same again because of what he did. And that too is an injustice you have to process all over again.

You're allowed to choose to stay with him, and yet still find yourself getting angry because the way you feel today or what you're confronted with today is a whole new healing process. Be kind and give yourself time.

Never. Binned my cheating scumbag after 5 years of trying to 'get over it' and never felt happier or more self confident.

He should have 200 percent let you see his phone. You’re still hurt, he should still be making amends. There’s a good reason you don’t trust him.

I walked after the first one cheated and I tried again, then again and ended up doing nothing but damaging myself and my pride.

I'd walk away personally as I know it rarely ever fully goes away and you just live in misery. Sorry.

He should have met you see his phone.

Don’t put yourself through it OP. You can never trust him.

The problem with cheating, unless it was a one night stand with a stranger, is that you trusted him and you were lied to, over and over and over again.

I am not sure you can ever ‘build trust’ because trusting a known liar is just stupid. In what other area of life would you do that?

Which does mean that you both have an unhappy choice. You either say you trust him, even though you clearly don’t (and why would you?!) or he accepts that he will never be trusted again if he wants to stay in the relationship.

Some people do get over it but, I would say, the majority don’t. I think ripping the plaster off and separating is better done sooner than later.

I tried to get over it, for 4 years. Then I left him. He was still doing shifty things though, so I decided enough was enough. I still hate him, tbh. But I no longer really care, as I have now been with someone else for 16 years, who has never let me down. I think my DH healed me really. It took a very long time.

On the other hand, someone I know decided to forgive an affair, and they seem genuinely happy some 25 years on.

Op you need to seek betrayal trauma therapy.

Your partner needs to be doing an integrity abuse recovery. They need to be putting in a whole load of work and provide safety for you.
That means they forfeit privacy for the foreseeable. They need to be reassuring you and understanding your triggers.

For now you need to work on your boundaries in the relationship so you can provide your own framework of safety. Vicki tidwell palmer does a excellent boundaries pdf if you go on her website.

Boundaries are just an invitation to your partner if they want to be in a relationship with you.it's not a list of rules but they are for you to provide you safety.
For example for me to feel safe in my relationship transparency is key. All devices are open policy.

You can set consequences too if you feel unsafe you sleep separately or have a period where they are not staying In the house for a week for example.

Its all about giving back the power to you. Stan tatkin does a wonderful episode on helping couples heal podcast all about taking back your power. I'd really reccomend you listen.

I'm so sorry you've been betrayed it's brutal but healing can happen with or without your partner.

You’ll never trust him again. You either live with that or walk away.

I’m 5 years past, still very raw and I still get wound up and upset about it now. I’m not sure how I feel about him. Tolerance, familiarity or love? I often wonder. We don’t talk about it anymore as it’s often me that takes the blame for what he done and we have children together.
We tried couples counselling but he told me he wouldn’t participate if I brought it up, it was for current issues.
I often wonder if I’d be happier if I left. He’s much better now in that he doesn’t cheat anymore, but the hurt and anger remains.

Ditch him. He betrayed you once and he will do it again. Even if he showed you his phone it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a second one hidden somewhere. You deserve better.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour - so you'd be foolish to trust someone who has previously betrayed you, especially when they won't let you see their phone.

He's hardly doing all he can to regain your trust, is he? Instead he's making it your problem to overcome - rather than the truth that it is his untrustworthiness spoiling the relationship and so he should be doingall he can to rebuild trust.

Thank you all, for your responses. They're so varied and mirror the conflict in my head. Stay, leave, trust, dont trust

There was someone else. It was a very tough time. We semi-seperated and bit by bit came back together.

Its just not worth it is it. Such a thing. The fall out from it, is massive. Mad how in a split seconds your life can be upended.

I just hadnt expected for it to whoosh up on me again like it did over a great day.

The poster who said - that as you change the new versions of you have to process it from the new vantage point. Thats really interesting.

I feel like Im at a new vantage/viewing point and seeing it through a different lens again. The throw up of feelings has me questioning again. I'll let these feelings settle and see how and what I feel and think

To everyone affected by something like this or any betrayal. Massive hug (((hug)))

Hi OP
i reconciled after an affair. I suppose mine was a bit different because it had been over by the time it all came out

My Relative was different, multiple instances of cheating, long time and discovered in real time. She also reconciled
our circumstances couldn’t be more different. I was unmarried, she was married. She had grown up kids, I was not yet a mum
obviously age difference too

anyway that’s just to give a sense of who we are. At 18 months I know I was still angry. I also know my partner was not a ‘perfect wayward’ he did some really stupid stuff in the healing process. So I’m not surprised your partner asked you to trust him and not show you it. It seems so idiotic to us, the betrayed. Probably makes sense to wayward partner who is learning. You don’t say what help you or he have had like counselling etc
thats really important to break the patterns

at some point though he is right, you have to stop looking at their phone, their location, their email
it does not serve you the way that both of you addressing what and why happened actually did. It’s not an unmet need for him, it’s a character flaw and he needs to understand that and you need to give yourself a break from the inspector role

I know the random rage that comes up, it used to come up all the time
then it gets less
then I’ve seen the work my partner has put in

my texts with my relative are not all about affairs now, they are funny pictures of our families and pets and the usual texting check ins

best wishes OP

4 years ago and now m still angry at what he did. Why our life before wasn't enough? Was it all a lie? Why have kids with me if he didn't want to be with me forever?

Sometimes after really good times I get angry that I'm forgiving him, I'm not, feel that he doesn't deserve me loving him still, although he knows I'll never love him as I did before.

It's hard and I'm not sure it ever goes away but the time between it bursts is getting longer.

Basically it boils down to how much denial you want to be in about the true state of your relationships and his feeling towards you.

staying with a cheater is always a fear based decision. If you had faith you’d meet someone else who loved you enough not to betray you, and faith that your children would be happier and have a better relationship modelled to them, then you’d leave. Anyone would.

I also hate all this ‘wayward’ nonsense. Like cheaters are just hapless fools who happened to accidentally wander off the path.

not active agents in their blatant disrespect of you. Choices made over and over and over again.

Regarding the term wayward, which I used in my reply
i used that because it’s the term used to describe cheating spouses in both seperation and reconciliation forums online, which I spent some time on during my healing
so terms like BS (betrayed spouse) and WS (wayward spouse) are used a lot.
not sure who started them but they are quite universal in those sites. Maybe not here though so I can see the confusion.
apologies if it comes across that the term is excusing behaviour. My partner made a series of shitty choices he didn’t fall onto another woman by accident or as a single mistake. No excuses there for mine or OPs partner

for me it wasn’t a fear based decision. I was unmarried, no kids and a reasonable standard of living on my own. My relative had a long marriage but kids were grown and good quality of life for her would have continued after divorce
I knew I would be alright in practical matters if it ended. I also think it’s okay to stay, for a bit, for a long time if there are practical matters that make that the better option for however long.

i decided the shitty parts of my partner were not his whole, and I’d rather try and stay and get through it. I’m not 10/10 but I know I wouldn’t struggle to find someone new
i didn’t want someone new though

An interesting point made up thread about not trusting a liar repeatedly in other areas of your life. I never thought about it from that angle but it's so true.

If you contracted someone for a service and they screwed you over, you wouldn't use them again. And this person owes you nothing but professional courtesy maybe. Yet someone like a partner can screw up and be forgiven, despite the fact they hold so much more trust/love/respect.

Sorry, I don't buy that it ever goes away. All the people I know who stayed, did so out of convenience but the relationships were very much over.

I know those are the ‘standard’ terms that are used but an interesting choice of language. A HUGE euphemism.

I just can’t believe anyone would actively want to stay with someone who betrays them and disrespects them in that way unless fear is involved somewhere, even if subconsciously. This isn’t what anyone would actively choose for themselves if they had the choice between a faithful version of their partner and unfaithful one. It doesn’t have to be fear around ‘practical’ matters or kids.

each to their own, but I could never do it. That isn’t true love to me. I could never do that to anyone I loved.