For those who've experienced a betrayal, how long did it take for the anger, contempt to pass?

[Vibing]

Its been over 18months. It comes when i least expect it. We had a gorgeous day out together last week. I felt that giddy feeling when you first meet and felt closer to him than i have in a long time.
The strangest thing after feeling those lovrly ferlings it also made me angry that we went through what we went through. And angry that even in the loveliest times im still dealing with feelings from something i didnt cause myself.

Add in a tough weekend of oncall work, over tiredness and him being focused on his own things (nothing wrong in that) but i have these feelings caused by his actions and he is going about life carefree of it. And it was a long time ago so its to him should be done and weve worked hsrd to move past it

Anyway i said i couldnt do it anymore. He took it. Asked to see his phone. Hes not given me any reason to doubt him. He asked if he had. I said no. He said in that case i just need to trust him now. Which him saying no to me seeing his phone, just freaked me out. That he wouldnt let me and that i was asking all because wr'd had a nice day and id felt close to him again

I raged on at him. He took it all. Didnt rage back. Did say some stuff. He just took it. I felt cross with myself. Cross that i never would have had these feelings if he hadnt acted and did what he did.

Were still together. I feel bad and cross at him, me, the mess and just want these feelings to never ho away.

Ive ended things a few times after what hsppened. We work it out but he says it makes him feel like he cant trust in the relationship to plan too much ahead but gets why im feeling how i feel

Can someone tell me how long it takes for the feelings of anger to stop coming back. I dont want to feel and behave like im someone im not and cause hurt back

This.

What you are dealing with is cognitive dissonance. You know deep down that he is a shit bag and this doesn't fit with the wonderful lovely dovey image you want to have of him. It's like continually trying to ram together two magnets that oppose each other in your mind.

8 years on from the day I found out but the actual betrayal had been going on for well over a year before that unbeknownst to me.
I am not over it at all. Not one jot. Still get just as angry/ sad/ bewildered if something reminds me in the slightest way.
We are no longer together of course but that didn't help how I felt much at all in fact his behaviour during and after divorce made it worse if anything.
I don't think I could ever feel any different in fact I think I have ptsd from it.

PTSD is quite common when your entire reality is ripped out from under you. It makes you question everything.
Good for you for leaving and I hope you manage to heal from it. You’ve given yourself the best chance.

I do get it’s hard to understand people who reconcile, i really do
Before it happened to me I never thought it was something I could or would do
and I didn’t know anyone around me who did, until my relative explained what happened to her. I didn’t do it because she had been successful but it helped me to know that it had worked out for her and she was happy.

I don’t know if it makes any difference to how the OP will process things with their husband but I don’t have a rose tinted glasses, lovey dovey approach to my partner. I can’t after what has happened, but as I said before, I recognise that there was and is also good in him and I wanted to try again because of that

maybe this is why 18 months later OP is still trying, maybe it’s not. OP seems to feel conflicted which is why they want their feelings to settle a bit. I was trying to provide a voice if someone further in that journey who knows the rage but also know that with the work it fades. I understand reconciliation is not popular but it does happen

Whether there has been a betrayal or not, there is no reason to protect your phone from your spouse unless you are hiding something.
I was once hooked into porn, and of course I was protective of my wife seeing my phone.
Once it was exposed , I took the necessary precautions and put up limitations to get clean and break the addiction to porn, one of those things was full access of my phone to my wife.
This was many years ago, but just 2 years ago my wife started to be protective of her phone, low and behold I finally discovered she was texting another man , and having inappropriate conversations, we worked through it but now...just 5 months ago I found out she had a sexual affair with another man,
I had full access to her phone still but she was very cautious to be away from me when they chatted and or kept her phone screen turned away from my veiw, she also erased all conversations as soon as they were read.
We are trying to work through this ,but it's far from over and lots of healing yet to come,
Point being if there is ever any hesitation or protective behavior over someone's phone , I would have concerns.

He has no right to silence you, he did wrong and there is no excuse for it, yes things you may have been doing could have contributed to a rocky relationship usually both have a part in that but there is never an excuse for cheating, you made a vow to each other and he broke it. He has no right to tell you it was your fault and to silence you from speaking about it, you should forgive him yes, but he should should except his betrayal and be remorseful for hurting you.

Have you had counselling? Full transparency is the price he has to pay forever for his betrayal. He doesnt get to not show you his phone ever again he has totally fucked that for himself - and it sounds a little toxic that you arent able to stand your ground here. 18 months is nothing. Recovering from this shouldnt mean all this pain for you - you need to feel safe and he needs to make you feel safe in any way he can. He needs to do more work. Good luck OP. Sending you a big hug. A song I listen to on my hard days goes like this; "Some say the heart is just like a wheel, once you bend it, you can't mend it" its by Dolores Keane. Good for a wee cry - let the grief out and dont be afraid of the anger. Its from a righteous place and you are entitled to it xx