Guy in America messed me about

[Limerent1]

hi everyone. I went on holiday to USA a couple of months ago, met a great guy over there on tinder and had 3 dates with him in total - went no further than a kiss. Both early 30s, no kids. We clicked from the start and spent all the time laughing and having really good interesting conversations.

He’s kept in touch with me since I’ve been home in the UK, always hinting that he’d love for me to go over or vice versa but I don’t have any free time until September.

I randomly have an unexpected week off next week due to something else falling through, and some of my friends are going away on a break for a few days anyway so I said I’d join them but it’s pretty expensive. When I was chatting to the American (we don’t speak daily btw) I brought it up and out of interest had a look at flights to USA return and they were £450 which I thought was reasonable, considering I’d be staying with him. We agreed I’d come over for the Long weekend in question, 4 nights in total.

I told him repeatedly I was in 2 minds as another girl who was suppose to go away with my friends had dropped out and I could have her place but I’d need to let them know asap as someone else wanted to go also.

He was asking me if I’d ever consider moving to the USA, what was I looking for etc and I just told him I wanted to have a fun weekend and see what happens! No pressure. he asked me to let him know if I was going to come over asap.

the next morning, due to the time difference, he was still asleep but I chose to see him, so I booked the flights through a third party booking app which are non refundable. Didn’t think there was a chance of it changing considering It’s only next weekend. I sent him the confirmation and we both expressed we were excited! We messaged back and forth a bit on Saturday night and a little on Sunday.

I reminded him on Monday that he would need to book 2 days off work for when I am over and he was kinda vague about it. Then I didn’t hear from him Tuesday and today I’d had enough so I messaged him to ask if he had indeed booked the annual leave, and as I hadn’t heard from him I felt a bit vulnerable coming over alone all of a sudden and that I felt his energy had shifted.

his response “hey baby! I’m sorry I’ve been busy with work and have been under the weather. I’m finally feeling better, I was really excited to see you. But something happened with my family and I have to help them out financially. So I’m stretched a bit thin at the moment.’ I know you have the flight booked but now may not be the best time”

I told him I didn’t care really about doing anything expensive and would be happy to just chill with him at his apartment, but this didn’t seem to budge him.

I reminded I had let the space on my friends holiday go so now I couldn’t even join them, and if he wasn’t sure he should have said so on Friday! I also said the flights couldn’t be changed/refunded. He just kept apologising. When I pressed further, he said he is financially strapped until July 1st and he feels pressure from me!! I couldn’t believe it. He was so eager for me to come over last week. I asked if he’s just met someone else and he said absolutely not.

we got into a bit of a row and in the end he sent me half of the money back that I lost on the flight, but I’m still so gutted. Last Friday we were chatting about going to the beach for the weekend maybe and trying a restaurant near his that he thought I’d like.

We really hit it off when we met, so I thought, and he’s gone to so much effort to text and FaceTime since I’ve been back - I can’t wrap my head around why he would change his tune so much just a few days after I booked my flight? Any opinions xx

He's married or living with someone. Years ago,pre internet,I met a guy briefly in the US,and ended up corresponding with him for years. I travelled to the US fairly often,but never met up with him.He used to hint that we should ,but I was travelling with my sister,so it wasn't convenient for me. He told me he lived at home with his parents,which was the address I had.
After about 10 years,we lost touch.
A long while after that,with the internet at my finger tips,I did a search for him. I got a bit of a shock.He was married,with 3 kids,and had been married with kids when we met. That was why he gave me his parents address.All the things he wrote about,he never ever mentioned anything at all about them,although I told him about various boyfriends that I was seeing over the years.

There was no romance between us,but it shows how easily people can hide things.

Look at it from his perspective, OP - the last thing he hears from you before he goes to bed is that you're in two minds as to whether you're going to visit him in the US or go on a different trip with friends, so he asks you to let him know once you've decided.

Then, by the time he's woken up, you've actually booked the flights and are demanding he arranges annual leave at work for next weekend and drops everything to be at your beck and call for your entire trip.

Plus, he knows there's no future in the relationship as you've told him you just want a bit of fun, so he's the one sacrificing his annual leave (if he even has any and won't risk his job) and weekend so that you can have a lovely hosted holiday.

I can see why he doesn't think all this hassle is worth it for an extended ONS, and it makes sense that his mood changed once he realised you were expecting him to escort you 24/7 for the whole of your trip.

I'm really surprised he paid you for half the flights, as it sounds like he didn't even realise you were booking them before letting him know whether you even wanted to visit him.

It sounds like he's been far more generous than he needed to be, and I think it's unfair to suggest that he's done something wrong here, when it sounds like you got the wrong end of the stick and came on way too strong, given this was just supposed to be a casual, easygoing fling.

You are over investing and rushing things. It's like you meet a man who you like and right away going hundred miles per hour. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up being by yourself on this trip as this man disappears.

Ok so we’ve established I must be a better mind reader in future and figure out if someone really means what they say. The dates had been agreed, the only thing left to do was book it. So I had to call him RIGHT as I was booking it? I thought that would seem a bit OTT. I think there’s a lot of woman blaming in this thread and like we must be perfect and always play it Uber cool with a guy we’re interested in incase he gets scared off. Where do we draw the line?? He had made it crystal clear he was happy to host me. I didn’t just book a surprise trip and turn up in the states! We were on FaceTime all the night before I booked it. I will accept some responsibility and im definitely naive, but to make out I’m a psycho or very full on just because I’ve kept my word, followed through with plans just doesnt sit right with me. It wasn’t like that.

No, just slow down a bit that's all.

I don't think you're a psycho, OP - lots of us will have done similar things over the years, I'm sure (well, maybe not the transatlantic flights bit, but certainly the rushing into things and getting carried away!).

Presumably when you met him when you were there on holiday, you came across as quite independent and easy going.

But then to jump straight from that after 3 dates to planning to live in each other's pockets as if you're a couple in a relationship for the entirety of your visit when you've told him you don't actually want a relationship with him seems a bit much to expect.

He probably expected that you would stay at his and you two would hang out and have some more dates, but that you'd also be doing your own thing for at least some of the time, just as you likely were when you were there on holiday before.

I think it was a bit much to expect him to drop everything for someone who doesn't want a relationship with him, IMO - it's just a bit strange and sends mixed messages.

Americans don't get many days off. Perhaps pushing him to take days off was what changed things for him. To take time off, if he even could, might have meant time off without pay. He wanted to avoid that especially as he is helping out financially.

It does sound as though he changed when you were asking him to take days off work. Might have been better for him to say sorry I'm excited for you to come, but I can't take time off.

Would you have been ok with that scenario?

American men pay for everything while dating, it's a cultural norm there so my first thought was that he was leading you on when he didn't try to book your flights for you.

Years ago, I flew to the US for a 4th date myself. He wanted to pay for my flights but I insisted to pay my own as I didn't want to feel indebted (I come from somewhere women pay their way and was uncomfortable). I had made it clear from date 1 that I would never, ever, move to the USA for any reason, ever. He knew what was on the agenda and was keen ebough to forget all that and book me flights/spoil me when I did go.

The old agade "if a man is interested in you, you will know it" is extremely true.

Psycho and very full on are two different things.
You're making quite a leap there.

Is this a pattern with you?
Any sign of interest and you're spending a whole night facetiming and then buying a plane ticket to spend a long weekend together.
Any sign of criticism, and you're reading too much into that too.

There's a happy middle, which you seem to skip completely.
Some people like their space. Some people can't take days off work at the drop of a hat. Some people see your behaviour here as full-on, or pushy, or too much, too soon.

You don't have to be a mind reader to understand that a few hours of conversation doesn't mean a man wants you under his roof for four days.

Also, to a PP, American men do not pay for everything while dating. Going Dutch is very much a thing.

This. One of the traits that initially attracted me to my British DH was his generosity…much more so than all of my previous American boyfriends.

”American men pay for everything while dating” lolololol

Americans don't get a lot of leave.

Three dates and some kissing, then straight to staying at his home for 4 days is too much. He's equally to blame for the mess but lesson learned. If he was really keen on you then he would be booking flights to see you. He thought he could to play act a romantic long distance thing without reality intruding.

It all sounds incredibly intense.

I also don't understand why you went against his wishes and booked flights when he specifically asked you to let him know first. It's very full-on and probably freaked him out a bit, in all honesty.

I also wouldn't be wasting hours of my life FaceTiming a man I'd only been on three dates with and who didn't even live anywhere near me.

I haven't read the full thread but agree he's probably not single.

Also, who goes on Tinder when they are on holiday? That feels like a totally unsafe thing to do aside from a bit weird - do you build random tinder dates into your itinerary spreadsheet!?

It's not about being a psycho or a mind reader, but those responses suggest you might be a bit intense and may have read too much of what you wanted to see into what was said.

Without seeing the full conversation I don't know but from what you've said, you sound a bit of a bull in a china shop. He sounds like he may have encouraged you and been initially quite keen to see you plus not been clear on boundaries.

However in this situation you would really need the final approval before booking a flight. As in yes, I agree to these flights. These times and dates are definitely fine for me. That's to avoid misunderstandings on both sides.

The situation is that you don't really know the man. Similarly, going to stay at his for 4 days. That's very full on even if he did talk about plans for when you came.

Sounds like your spontaneous idea and your thoughts of a good time have overridden good judgement and consideration . It's all a bit 0-100. Perhaps he would have been happy with something in between but you've gone for the full option? Realistically would you wanted to do that level of hosting with that level of implied expectation for 4 days after 3 dates? There was nothing chilled or spontaneous or fun about being reminded about AL even if he did say he might be able to get some time off.

Or if you're very, very honest with yourself does it sound like a bit of a hiding to nothing?

Not saying he couldn't have shut you down sooner but maybe he quite liked the idea at the start but it became pretty full on. That's not to say psycho but I think you haven't really considered that it's someone else's house, weekend, he's already asked if it's likely to go anywhere and you've not really given a considered reply.

I don't necessarily think he was married. Maybe. It's the stock answer on here. I think reflect on your role and the way you communicate your wishes.

No one was 'woman blaming' just commenting on your rather erratic actions.

There isn't any women blaming, everyone is trying to help you see how your own actions may have led to the outcome and how you could do things a little differently next time. You may need to work on your self esteem.

To drop a friends holiday for a man you barely know is not what many people would do. He may have been more interested in you to know you are off on holiday with friends, having a great time and have a wonderful life with or without him and fully independent.

Many people say and do things in those early days as a way of impressing and for their own egos and sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. Every relationship is a dance.

This man sounds like he wants a long term relationship, doesn't want to waste his or your time and is respectful enough to send you half the money for the flights you booked without doubly reconfirming the plans before pulling the trigger to book.

He just wasn't that into you OP- no bad thing to know. Just means that you are now free to find someone who will be more invested to build a relationship with you.

American men pay for everything while dating, it's a cultural norm there so my first thought was that he was leading you on when he didn't try to book your flights for you

WTAF?! This is so not true

I don't think that pointing out how you could do things differently is the same as saying you're a psycho or anything. From what you've said it looks like at the very least he also wasn't clear and encouraged this to some extent.

I know your limerence was with another person and trust me I know how hard that is but I really believe limerence is related to (often anxious) attachment difficulties, sometimes trauma, childhood issues etc.

Although you haven't been limerent for the man in question, it's very rare that someone experiences limerence but then in all other areas of their lives and relationships they're completely fine with healthy boundaries and attachments etc.

I know it probably feels like all the blame is on you here. Partly that's the nature of a forum and some people do like to give people a kicking but mostly I think people are genuinely trying to help. It feels as if in each response you aren't acknowledging that perhaps you moved too fast.

And even if we agree to put loads of the blame on him... it is still true. If nothing else you went along with it and got swept up in something that was way too fast and this is a textbook example of how moving too fast goes wrong.

Nobody here has seen the conversations. Maybe you were being way too intense and scaring him off or maybe he was being extremely encouraging and love bombing etc. Either way, this thread will die down in within the week and aside from some strangers on the internet, does whose fault it is matter?

The point is it's not a healthy way to start a relationship, if that's even what this would have been. It's not the sign of a healthy level of attachment to meet someone on holiday briefly and then spend hundreds to go on a long haul flight and stay with them for several days instead of going away with your mates.

Long distance is a terrible idea for people prone to getting too carried away in my opinion. You aren't sure that you'd be willing to move. So what would this even be? Because flying over to see someone spontaneously and spend days together feels like the actions of something quite serious. It's not really what most people do for someone they barely know.

How many times would you do this and keep it casual? How many times until you'd be jealous if there was another woman? Because before you know it you're in an intense long distance relationship that has not been able to progress naturally. With someone in a country you don't even particularly want to move to!

You talk as if it's casual and you will see how it goes but the type of trip you were planning is not very casual sounding at all!

If you're spontaneous and like to travel it would have made more sense for you to go there, independently of him and then met him while there. What you were planning - this intense long weekend - is more like something people do after knowing each other well.

Again, let's go with putting all the blame on him and say he's the one who encouraged it - it still can't be that surprising that someone who love bombs and encourages intense weekends together after barely knowing each other is also the kind of person who suddenly withdraws. It hardly sounds like he's got the healthiest of attachment styles in this case either.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It's too fast. This is the kind of thing that happens when things move too fast because it's not real. It's not about mind reading exactly. And I don't think it's about slowing things down to make the next guy like you or let him chase you. I think it's about slowing things down for your sake.

For the record though, it is quite normal to double check the exact flights and times to confirm rather than doing it while someone is asleep

. He said to let him know if you're coming. That's not the same as already knowing you're coming and saying let me know what time your flight arrives. Going from not being sure someone's coming to getting their itinerary is quite a big leap.

I would double check to even go see a friend. "so my train would get in at 12.15 on the Thursday and I would be leaving at 20.04. You're sure that's ok? Let me know and I'll book it."

It doesn't matter that she's already said I'm welcome and said any time is fine. The final booking confirmation with the person is a pretty normal part of the process or organising a trip. And that's for getting a train to Sheffield not a flight to the US!

I know plenty of people who do this. But mainly solo travelers or people stopping somewhere for a few weeks so they have lots of time and aren’t expected to stick with their friends the whole time.

People have always enjoyed holiday romances but nowadays it’s less likely to happen organically since men approach women less, so it doesn’t seem strange to me.

Re American guys paying for everything, I feel it’s mixed.

IME I see men in the American south as more likely to pay for everything but not so much men on the west coast. I’m not too sure about east coast or mid-west men.

Most British guys I’ve dated pay for dates in first few months.

I don’t know who is more likely to pay for a flight but personally I know many American friends who have had flights paid traveling to see men in other states, whereas I don’t know any British friends whose boyfriends have paid for them to go visit them in another part of the UK.

Maybe it all just depends on the individual…

For the record though, it is quite normal to double check the exact flights and times to confirm rather than doing it while someone is asleep

. He said to let him know if you're coming. That's not the same as already knowing you're coming and saying let me know what time your flight arrives. Going from not being sure someone's coming to getting their itinerary is quite a big leap.

I agree with this - the only time I'd actually go ahead and book flights without checking with the host first is if I'm happy to go on my own and stay in a hotel / someone else if the original plan falls through.

Obviously for whatever reason, OP, you decided not to use the flights and have a holiday anyway, but if you were only prepared to travel if the guy was definitely on board with every aspect of your plan, that's even more reason to confirm it all with him before booking.

Everyone here is telling you the same thing and you aren't even considering it...

Is this the same guy as on a previous post you met on holiday?