Guy in America messed me about

[Limerent1]

hi everyone. I went on holiday to USA a couple of months ago, met a great guy over there on tinder and had 3 dates with him in total - went no further than a kiss. Both early 30s, no kids. We clicked from the start and spent all the time laughing and having really good interesting conversations.

He’s kept in touch with me since I’ve been home in the UK, always hinting that he’d love for me to go over or vice versa but I don’t have any free time until September.

I randomly have an unexpected week off next week due to something else falling through, and some of my friends are going away on a break for a few days anyway so I said I’d join them but it’s pretty expensive. When I was chatting to the American (we don’t speak daily btw) I brought it up and out of interest had a look at flights to USA return and they were £450 which I thought was reasonable, considering I’d be staying with him. We agreed I’d come over for the Long weekend in question, 4 nights in total.

I told him repeatedly I was in 2 minds as another girl who was suppose to go away with my friends had dropped out and I could have her place but I’d need to let them know asap as someone else wanted to go also.

He was asking me if I’d ever consider moving to the USA, what was I looking for etc and I just told him I wanted to have a fun weekend and see what happens! No pressure. he asked me to let him know if I was going to come over asap.

the next morning, due to the time difference, he was still asleep but I chose to see him, so I booked the flights through a third party booking app which are non refundable. Didn’t think there was a chance of it changing considering It’s only next weekend. I sent him the confirmation and we both expressed we were excited! We messaged back and forth a bit on Saturday night and a little on Sunday.

I reminded him on Monday that he would need to book 2 days off work for when I am over and he was kinda vague about it. Then I didn’t hear from him Tuesday and today I’d had enough so I messaged him to ask if he had indeed booked the annual leave, and as I hadn’t heard from him I felt a bit vulnerable coming over alone all of a sudden and that I felt his energy had shifted.

his response “hey baby! I’m sorry I’ve been busy with work and have been under the weather. I’m finally feeling better, I was really excited to see you. But something happened with my family and I have to help them out financially. So I’m stretched a bit thin at the moment.’ I know you have the flight booked but now may not be the best time”

I told him I didn’t care really about doing anything expensive and would be happy to just chill with him at his apartment, but this didn’t seem to budge him.

I reminded I had let the space on my friends holiday go so now I couldn’t even join them, and if he wasn’t sure he should have said so on Friday! I also said the flights couldn’t be changed/refunded. He just kept apologising. When I pressed further, he said he is financially strapped until July 1st and he feels pressure from me!! I couldn’t believe it. He was so eager for me to come over last week. I asked if he’s just met someone else and he said absolutely not.

we got into a bit of a row and in the end he sent me half of the money back that I lost on the flight, but I’m still so gutted. Last Friday we were chatting about going to the beach for the weekend maybe and trying a restaurant near his that he thought I’d like.

We really hit it off when we met, so I thought, and he’s gone to so much effort to text and FaceTime since I’ve been back - I can’t wrap my head around why he would change his tune so much just a few days after I booked my flight? Any opinions xx

OP clearly says he was encouraging her with the contact, giving her the motivation to book the flights.

There are some emotional fuckboys who (without being obviously sex driven or sleazy) just like the attention of a woman on them as an ego boost. Unfortunately regularly using chat and Facetime contact can encourage this.

I had a great first date with someone just before moving (both of us fairly transient and I don't mind long distance as I'm busy)

and he clearly wanted the text attention "as if" we were organising a second meet...when I suggested physical practical plans he just brushed past them. Or he'd semi agree then not follow through.

He had a busy work life, but didn't let me know when he was free so I could make a plan.

I don't think he was married or wanted to sext, just not that available. But he wanted me to be "on-call".

I ignored his last "friendly" WhatsApp as I just didn't know what to say and it was a bit weird/surreal sending and receiving these "flirtatious" messages with someone who clearly wasn't socially available.

We didn't communicate daily or often, and I didn't stop meeting others, but it's an easy trap to fall into if you haven't been through it before.

Your replies are a bit resistant to so many posts that make total sense.

It almost as you believe what he said, it has to be true and nothing will change your mind.

It's not great that you lost money in this, but it's a 225GBP lesson going forward in naivety Things don't work the same in other countries as yours. Referring to 'just book annual leave' I'm in another country and if I were told to do that, I would no doubt have the same reaction.

Did he agree to take leave off when you were coming over? If he didn't it feels like the expectation that he would is what put him off - he may have figured you'd keep yourself occupied during the day. Spending all day together is pretty full on for a second date.

Also it's a good reminder to pick your friends over a man you barely know.

Perhaps he has just come to his senses and realised that an extreme long distance relationship just isn't feasible. He asked what your intentions were and whether you would move to America and you said you were just looking for fun. That's lovely, but perhaps he changed his mind and decided it was a lot of effort for fun.

I'm amazed he sent you half the money. I don't think he has lead you on - you chose to book the flight while he was asleep so you took the final choice away. You said he was vague about it etc but still chose to take the risk. I think you came on too strong.

Definitely jumped the gun

Cut him off

Go out with your friends

He’s looking for a serious relationship and you said you just “wanted a fun weekend”. He doesn’t want to invest any more time. That’s my take

You're sounding way too pissed off about this given its not really his fault - he is allowed to change his mind after only 3 dates and the intense idea of you coming to stay. He was decent to send you half tbh. If roles were reversed and you got cold feet I don't think you would appreciate him doing all this demanding money and guilt tripping stuff

Was just about to say this!

Cold feet, too soon. Leave it.

This. Use his half of the money, book a hotel and go anyway to explore America on your own. DON'T contact him.

I don't know how true it is but I thought Americans didn't get much holiday from work so expecting him to take time off at short notice just isn't something that he can do and he felt under pressure

I'm surprised he sent you any money, it was your choice to book the flight

I reminded him on Monday that he would need to book 2 days off work for when I am over and he was kinda vague about it.

Any reason that him booking leave didn’t come up before you booked the flight?

It may also be that he was thinking of taking an unpaid day off but finances this month mean he can’t.

But honestly - three dates and you had only kissed? I would think it a bad idea to stay with him also.

Sorry, op. Sounds like it was a holiday fling and he was up for a bit of long distance chat but didn’t anticipate anything more than that. He should have been clearer but maybe you were just at cross purposes throughout.

I wouldn’t put it down to anything specific necessarily. Maybe he didn’t like being asked to take leave but it doesn’t sound like that’s the main issue. I think he just never saw this as anything other than a one off so he’s now a bit freaked out.

Speak to the company you booked with. IME even with non- refundable flights they can sometimes be helpful and agree to exchange.

Agree with @Ellie525 . Way too intense. Very reasonable of him to send half of the money. It would make sense to have checked again before booking the flights. I think he got wrapped up in the excitement and was enjoying the attention but realises he actually isn't up for 'fun'

My first thought was the annual leave was the issue too. So it's 2 people from different cultures/countries having completely different expectations. It probably never occurred to him that he would take annual leave. It clearly never occurred to you that he would struggle to take annual leave - it sounds like you almost ordered him to take it rather than asking.

In hindsight that would have been something to discuss before you booked the flights.

I imagine the annual leave is what he's referring to when he talks about his finances. I assume he'd have to take it unpaid and can't afford that.

I think him sending you half was decent of him.
we’ll never know but maybe something has come up that is private that he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing with you that needs sorting.

he might be lying but if you don’t think he has a secret partners maybe he is telling the truth

maybe he can’t afford to take unpaid leave.

there are a million maybes, none of us know the truth.

Too much too soon and too pushy from you - it sounds like it was your suggestion to fly over, you told him to take annual leave and asked whether he had done it, you asked for half the money back. It doesn’t feel spontaneous and carefree and it’s not the tone I want in the early days of any relationship.

He could be completely decent and single but a bit put off with the way things are going - I would have been. But I think the reasons don’t matter to much as
he’s just not that into you.

I don't think this is really on him.

You can't just ask most Americans to take 2 days' AL for a holiday fling with a week's notice. Didn't you realise it's very different from the UK? To push that probably made the distance and the newness of your acquaintance very stark to him.

Better to take the place with friends and suggest visiting him for the weekend only if poss, or staying nearby and amusing yourself in the day. It's a lot either way to spend 4 days solid with a new fling in their home. I think when you weren't sure about long term potential he was turned off a potentially stressful visit. I also didn't read 'tell me if you're coming ' as book non refundable tickets and think he was decent to send you half.

Great to be spontaneous but inviting yourself to someone's house you don't know that well for 4 days, instructing them to take a big chunk of AL and bookings non refundable flights without a contingency plan or solid confirmation was pretty silly.

Also you didn't really know him so it wasn't a safe plan. Better to get your own accom all round.

I would still go by myself but book a few days in a hotel. No point losing the flights

Why can't you use the money he sent to nook an air bnb and have a solo trip to the States?

As someone who backpacked a lot it isn’t necessarily that wild - I know lots of people who travelled to other countries to meet up with guys/ladies they met whilst travelling and had only known briefly - for some it was just for fun, and actually for a surprisingly fair few they’re now living together/married/have kids.

Whether he’s flaked out because he’s met someone else and wants to see how it goes, doesn’t want anything serious, wants something serious, or just didn’t want to/couldn’t book AL (AL is very limited in the US), I don’t know - but the finances issue doesn’t add up as he’s just spent more paying you back than he’d have had to spend all weekend if you just had some food and drinks at his. I’d stop talking to him and forget about him.

Use the money he’s given you to still go to the USA and put towards accommodation and have a lovely weekend yourself. Where in the USA is it?

I personally think that he was into you but as he is active on dating apps, he has since met someone else that he likes on there after you left. I don't buy the story about the family, it screams excuse and nothing more.

The question about what you are looking for may have influenced his decision- perhaps the other person in the equation lives there and is after something serious. I think he was panicking after you bought the ticket and felt guilty about the other woman who he saw a potential future with. Transferring you money was a decent thing to do but in my opinion he did it to ensure you left him alone without kicking up too much of a fuss.

I have been in the exact same situation years ago, I met someone whilst travelling in Europe and they booked a ticket to visit me. I had met someone else back home shortly after on a dating app but their ticket was already booked so I had to host them regardless. I felt soo awkward the whole time and the guy clearly picked up that the dynamic had changed. And this was only Europe!

100% this guy is not single and was having a bit of a fun stringing you along, never thought you’d actually go back over.

throw this one back

As other have said I’d still go and just book somewhere.

I don’t get why even needs to book off you could’ve just seen him in the evening.

Misread and thought the trip with friends was to his area. The rest stands.