Am I trapped?

[Husband1984]

When I got with my now wife, I had a flat. She lived at home. When we got married I put the equity into a family home. I then paid off the vast majority of the mortgage as I have a well paid job. After having our son my wife went back to work part time (2 days) but took a pay cut to change jobs and earns 1/14th of what I do. I do all housework and most things for our son and work full time. My wife has depression (medicated) and doesn’t have any motivation to do anything or take on more days of work. We are struggling in our relationship because of that and some infidelity from her side.

Am I trapped?

If we go our separate ways, I fear losing my son, and half of the house, my savings and my income when I’ve paid off the mortgage almost single handedly.

It's fairly irrelevant that you happen to be the family member who paid for stuff. You can feel aggrieved that it can't be said that her looking after the home enables you to work, or does it? Who does pick-ups and childcare for your DC when you work?
If you do most for your DC, you could apply to be the main resident parent.
Before splitting there are other steps to take. To start with a serious chat about you considering splitting up so she knows that things need to change. Then counselling for her as an individual for a MH, and as a couple. See if there is a way to a more equitable path. If she refuses to engage or accept that change needs to occur, you have given her fair warning.

Once you marry there is no 'my money'. It's a joint house, joint savings and yes you do have a joint son to carry on paying for out of your own income. As it all should be, you need an attitude shift with that, you'll get slated for it on here. If you are saying you didn't realise the legal side to marriage before you entered into it, well you have your own ignorance to blame on that.

You’re not trapped because you have the good earning potential, so yes you’ll have to ‘start again’ but you can get a new mortgage (with half of your equity) and could arrange 50/50 custody of your child. It sounds more like it’s your wife who is trapped to be honest as she probably doesn’t have the earning potential to take on a mortgage herself and pay for general living. If custody is 50/50 she won’t get maintenance from you. She’ll be struggling a lot, and has depression as well.

Has she sought any help for the depression? Maybe start there, have a serious chat with her about things needing to change and insist she speaks to her GP. An unhappy home won’t be good for your dc.

Each partner brings into the marriage what they are able to do, according to their own potential.
That doesn't mean it has to be 50/50, and that doesn't mean each partner has to contribute the same thing. I get that your marriage is rocky, but the way you talk about how you paid off the mortgage single handedly would be a huge problem if it was my marriage or if you were my husband. It shows an overall lack of respect for your wife and what she brings to the marriage.

And I'm not saying this because I'm personally triggered, as I'm a wife/mother and was also the main earner in my household for many years. But every cent I've earned was made possible by the work my husband did and the way he contributed to our household, even if it was just watching tv and being 'available' in case our children woke up after bedtime while I was still working. And when my husband was suffering with depression, I carried him. That's what 'for better or for worse' is all about.

I'm not saying stay with her. I truly understand living with a depressed person is hard. I understand you wanting a different life. But it's wrong of you to think that the joint money is your money because you made the paychecks. You chose to get married, and these are the values behind a marriage. If you didn't agree with them, you shouldn't have gotten married. Divide evenly, because if you take this attitude towards a divorce, you're going to burn bridges with a women you'll have to co-parent with for the rest of your life.

If you "do most things for our son" how comes you are fearing that you are going to lose him? He should be staying with you.
How would divorce mean that you are going to lose your income?

You have the funds/wages to leave. No you aren't trapped. However your wife possibly is.

You have a full time job, at least half the house...I don't see the problem.

The kid you'll probably see at least half the time...maybe more if she has depression.

Stop winging and pussey footing about and go to your solicitors today.

Seriously I'm finding it tough to sympathise when there are women on here who are ACTUALLY trapped.

Sorry op but it reads like:

'Boohoo I have a well paying job, equity in a house and I'm worried if I leave the mother of my child, she'll actually get some of that money as opposed to being pot-less in the gutter'.

She's the mother of your kid. She still works even though she's mentally unwell too. The fact she fucked about has little to do with her monetary entitlement. It's shared money because you are married.

Maybe she doesn't deserve as much. That's for the solicitors to decide. But it's evident you're going to be fine financially regardless.

Your the op with the young son? Who has another post? Unfortunately I don't think there's alot you can do with regards to the house and assets but wouldn't it be better to walk away now than when you have paid more of it?

When it comes to your son you won't lose him, you can get 50/50 access at the very least.

Don't stay for financial reasons OP, money doesn't make people happy in the end. Better to cut your losses now and pay her off to walk away.

In your other post (if it is you) which I'm convinced it is because the circumstances are the exact same, you said you weren't interested in splitting I'm guessing now your wavering on that, I do not blame you. Find the strength to do this because OP you deserve better, far better. She will just keep cheating on you because she knows you won't do anything about it. She can make all the excuses she likes about bereavements and depression but it's not good enough and it will keep happening.

You've given her enough chances and by the sounds of it your basicly funding her life at the moment aswell.

This is an absolute disgrace tbh, it's sexist for a start!!!! How is he any less trapped, than a woman?? What's to stop any woman being abused getting help to leave???

I find this absolutely infuriating tbh. He's more trapped than anyone I know because the wife has depression and he knows he has to leave the son with her if he leaves!!! If you read his other post you will see his concerns regarding his child. Anyone fleeing abuse can take the kids with them, he can't!!! He doesn't matter less because he's a man!

She doesn't bring anything to the marriage, she's cheated twice, the most recent with his friend! She leaves all the childcare to him aswell as the chores. He's told her there's a problem and she doesn't care. He's done all he can! His other post is called So lonely so I think that says it all!

Yes he shouldn't be talking about the fact that she's contributed less financially as a basis for her not getting as much but when factored in with everything else she hasn't contributed to their lives I think you can begin to understand!

@Mummy2024 perhaps it would be better to link to his previous thread since you think OP has missed out relevant parts rather than chastising the rest of us.

However, trapped usually means unable to get away due to financial constraints (or from physical abuse which requires police assistance). Someone on a good wage (him) is more likely not to be trapped versus someone on a parttime wage (her).

You will be able to make loads more money. Your only concern right now should be your wife's mental health. Your child needs a healthy mum.

That's why you have to be careful when you choose a partner. You are pretty much trapped.

It's not for me to link the posts, thats for him. He's trapped because of his child but just because he's on a good wage and can financially survive without the marriage doesn't mean he's not trapped or make him any less trapped than a woman.

He's even more trapped than any trapped person because she's not abusive so he's very much on his own with this situation. He can't take the son with him if he does go where as the woman can. It's completely wrong to suggest he's just complaining even without the other post being linked.

Why ant he take his child?

@Mummy2024 "It's not for me to link the posts, that's for him" then you are quoting some random posts and adding to the confusion.

Regardless of what the other post says or doesn't say, people have completely disregarded his concerns about losing his son and gone on to berate him because he happens to have a very good Job and can afford to walk away. The same wouldn't have happened to a woman OP because she could just take the kids with her.

I would sell up, split the equity, have your son 50/50. That way you can rebuild very successfully. She may be happier and less stressed if she has less to do/worry about, and be able to earn more.

A woman can no more 'just take the kids' than a man, @Mummy2024.

I really don't understand your post.

A woman can't just "take" her kids. Stop spouting nonsense. If the op has serious concerns about the well-being of his child then he needs to go to court and try to get primary custody of his child.

except because he works she may be able to argue that she’s the main carer. Which may or may not be true but it does put op in a difficult situation.

I do think a lot of these comments are deeply sexist. If op was a woman complaining about a man not pulling his weight, no way would he have got any of these responses.

All married people are trapped in the sense that their lives are entwined.
I think you should insist that your wife get some help with her depression. If she becomes well enough to enjoy life and also to work at an enjoyable job for one day, she might be happier.

An artistic pursuit or taking on a volunteer position might also give your child a happier mother and you a happier wife.

Maybe you can start enjoying bush walking as a family.

Have you seen where says "I do most things for our son". If so then he can have full custody. I think he should if what he says is the case.

Nope, I based my response on him talking mainly about money. How he paid for this, that and the other, how he works full time but she only does 2 days. He's very fixated on not wanting to leave "his" money behind. If he had talked mainly about his child my response would have been totally different.