I'm not okay

[Mermaidmotels]

This is how my husband has treated me in the past. Is it abusive?

Calling stupid, a moron, a retard.
Getting cross and telling me I am entitled and have no respect for him because I accidently stood on his coat and put some books on his lap in the car (meant to put them in the bag on the floor but it was full).

Blaming me for the name calling because I say stupid stuff and push him to it and don't listen.

Being told I never listen if I disagree(I see it as disagreeing, he sees it as nott listening).

Years ago locked me out the house and called me a slut because he thought I was messaging his friend (I offered to pick his friend up who was drunk and lost as a favour and he misread the message)

He works away for months at a time. I posted about this before because I wanted to move closer to friends and family. I have two young kids and moved to be close to his work but he has been away for 6 months and due away again in October aswell as having lived apart the previous year when I had a small baby and a toddler. I asked him if I could move to have support and not be so isolated.
He said no. I didn't do it. I came back to be with him.
Since then he's given me no affection. He's told me I should get a grip and that I'm ridiculous for thinking my life is hard. I'm ungrateful because I was struggling and all I do is complain because he works hard for us and I was struggling being away from him so much with no friends and family and small kids. He said I should have made friends but I have tried.

He told me he doesn't know if he can be with me now because I've betrayed him and he doesn't see us the same. Said he needed time. I've waited weeks. He said all I've done is argued. I've been asking him to let me know when there will be an end to this. He can't give one and it's torture.
He's not ended it because I haven't given him space. Says its all my fault.

I feel horrendous

Sorry that's so long. I just needed to let it out. I don't know what to do.

I know it was hard for him to worry I was leaving and not seeing us much but I didn't even go in the end and I still get told I've done an awful thing and it can't be forgiven.

I'm just hurting from everything. I worry about my kids and what will happen

That should have read he has now ended it.

He's a nasty man. You and your children will be much better off without him and with support from family. You deserve more

"He's told me I should get a grip..."

You certainly ought to - and dump his sorry ass!

Thank you for your reply.
He makes me feel like a terrible person and that I've hurt him so badly and ruined our relationship.
I appreciate you seeing it from another side.
He will see the children when he can then I guess. He's never even had them alone before I don't know how he'd be.
He's really not been around. It all makes me worry so much.

😁
Unfortunately he has already dumped me because I was there trying to fix things like an idiot. And get dumped so I can't even walk away with dignity.
He made me feel like I was in the wrong and I had to make it up to him whilst he ignored me essentially

No none of that is normal in a healthy relationship. It is certainly abusive. I have been with my husband for 25 years and he has never called me a name, shouted at me, or treated me like that.

Have you thought about speaking to Women's Aid for support and advice?

See it as a wonderful gift he has given you, set you free from this abusive relationship. Seize the opportunity and never take him back. He will come crawling back. And say NO!

He also said the other day that everything I do is annoying and picks at everything I do. Insulted my parenting even though I have done it alone forever basically and he just swans in and tells me it's all wrong when I just do my best

Sorry it's all coming out. I feel like I'm only just realising it's not okay.

He makes me feel it's all me

Thank you

Thank you for your message.
Yes maybe I will.
We are in a military house currently. I am a sahm so I really have nothing so I have no idea what steps to take really
It's really overwhelming but I can at least give home hopefully

Some people are just liars and will do anything to twist the truth. It’s nearly always said with the intention of getting their own way and/or getting you to shut up.

If you are not one of these people, then it’s really hard to accept that someone who is supposed to love us can do this.

Everything you’ve written makes me think he’s one of those. I should know I’ve been married to one for 30plus years.

One way to stop your guilt and confusion is to imagine you saying these things to him - suddenly it becomes obvious - it’s just utter bullshit - he’s trying to control you, he’s not trying to communicate. There’s no honest intention there.

For some reason you desperately waited on him to decide if the relationship was ending or not. Meantime you probably did a lot of pleading and convincing which just got his back up. Most likely he has someone else already anyway, that's why hes being so nasty. He probably has another life while he's away.
How exactly are you ment to have betrayed him? Over the years you have inadvertently turned yourself into a doormat really. It's a rare woman who would be willing to continue a relationship with someone away 6 months of the year - that makes it pointless. Never should of agreed to that setup. A man who wants to do that, has reasons other than work for wanting to be away.

You need to take steps to get into employment. You cannot remain with this man. Him ‘dumping you’ is a gift, trust me. Has he always prevented you from working to make you dependent on him?

Oh he's in the forces, what a surprise. Well known for their calm, kind, reflective natures aren't they?!

You're free now, start the rest of your life the way you want it.

He sounds like a loser!

Time to get real. He is a horrible and nasty man, who has no respect for you or your children. He will never change.

Don't waste your life chasing after this unhappiness. Don't let your children witness such abuse too.

I think you need help from Women's aid or someone you trust IRL.

Just imagine one of your children were in the same situation in the future ... what would you say to them?

He sounds awful OP and his behaviour is domestic abuse and sounds like coercive control.

As you are in a military quarter that is a good thing as there are policies and the Army must protect and help you. Here is a link to some information:

https://aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/domestic-abuse/

https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/domestic-abuse-guidance-and-support-for-the-armed-forces-community

I would start by speaking to the Families Officer and think about whether you want to stop him coming into the home. It really sounds to me like that would be best.

Also, apply to the local authority for housing. You will be in priority need due to the fact that you are a a victim of domestic abuse and have children if you go down the homelessness route. It might be possible to stay in the quarter until the local authority can allocate you settled accommodation.

Good luck.

This is a small section from the policy:

Accommodation and living arrangements

24. All reasonable efforts should be made by the CofC to ensure that the victim/survivor is allowed to remain in their current accommodation if it is deemed to be safe to do so with the expectation being that the burden of moving home should always fall upon the perpetrator.

25. Where domestic abuse has been reported and the alleged perpetrator is the Serving person living in Service Families Accommodation (SFA) with the victim/survivor, the CO may order the alleged perpetrator to leave the SFA and be excluded from it on a temporary basis where it is necessary and proportionate to do so. The CO can apply this measure to anyone under their command irrespective of Service.

...

If he isn't using this as an excuse because he's got another woman, then he'll be back OP, when he thinks he's made you suffer enough that you've learned your lesson and won't disobey him in future. Use the time he's not here to get strong, as if and when he returns, you really need to be telling him not to bother. The life you describe sounds full of fear, with no freedom and no autonomy, and its made you very very miserable. Remember that, and know that however challenging your future is, it's likely to be a whole lot better without having to obey the commands of an abusive man.

He doesn't seem to care for you very much. It must be a lonely place for you. I think you would be happier without him 💐

Thanks so much everyone for your comments and advice.

It's just very hard to accept someone you love treating you this way. Especially when he always twists it to make it seem it's my fault and I have basically pushed him to it.

I just remember the good parts and it's hard to let go but I know it's for the best.

You remember the good parts because when you're in a relationship with an abuser, they're few and far between, and the bad parts are so bad the good bits seem amazing by comparison. I'm willing to bet that the 'good parts' are really just normal ever day stuff, when he wasn't nasty, you had a laugh, things that are the default in healthy relationships. I promise you that whatever you got that was good from this man, is available from someone else if and when you decide to go looking for it. You just won't have to put up with being treated like rubbish, controlled and abused in between.

Thank you so much. Thats a brilliant comment.

You're gonna flourish without him. It'll be hard for a while but honestly it gets easier. He's an emotional abuser and a narcassict. Please try and get some support from DV services in your area and do NOT take him back. Guaranteed he will try and come crawling back

Please go back to your family and friends 😢 I have no doubt that he will try to get you back but for the sake of your children and yourself and sanity stay away from him!

Thanks again for the messages.
I'm still sad that he's left me even though I know I don't want to be with him after everything.

You know, we were visiting his family the other week and I kept getting upset because he was either ignoring me or picking at everything I did infront of everyone or treating me like I was nobody to him. I said this to his mum when I was crying and she told me he just needs time, rise above it.

I think it's just people and him aswell making it seem normal and that I need to just put up with it that made it so hard to see it as what it is.

So it helps that you are all telling me it isn't normal