Husband telling me what I cannot wear

[Femqueen]

Hey
So I’ve been with my husband for 12 years but we are married for almost 2.
Ever since we got married I’ve noticed a change in him.
I get a lot of attention from men (let’s be honest every woman does, I’m not special) and he can’t handle it.
I have always been upfront and honest about all people who come on to me, I ensure I tell him what happened etc to maintain trust in the relationship. I think this was a mistake and possibly sparked his paranoia.
Recently his friend grabbed my arse on a night out and my husband’s reaction was not the best. He did not confront the friend right away, but when he did his friend apologised to him and not me. I was not there so do not know how this was handled, however a man with respect for his wife would insist his friend apologises, well at least that’s how I would like to have been treated.
Anyway I don’t know if this sparked my husband’s strange behaviour, but ever since he has been looking at dresses, gym outfits I buy or wear around him and saying “that’s too sexy you can only wear that when I am there”. Initially I thought this was a joke or a weird way to give a compliment (he’s not the best at expressing emotions).
But one night I wore a “banned” outfit and he confronted me about it. This was a while back. Most recently he wouldn’t let me wear a dress to a wedding as he said I would look like a slut and the other day he commented on a gym top and said that’s way to sexy you can’t wear that. He just banned another new dress and I literally had enough and told him that this is abusive behaviour and I won’t tolerate it.
He then proceeded to say “fine go out dressed like a slut if you want, don’t come home and bring your drama back to me”.
I can’t help but think I am somehow being blamed for HIS FRIEND grabbing my arse months ago.
How should I proceed? I’ve been with him for so long and it’s a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, but something in my gut is telling me to run for the hills!

Divorce him?

How should you proceed? I think he has crossed the line. He is emotionally abusive to you and controlling. You should seriously consider your future with him. If leaving is not an option, would you consider some form of counseling with him?

It's not a minor issue in my opinion.

No-one gets to police what you wear, personally I'd tell him to get fucked.
I'm interested to know what your reaction to his friend grabbing your arse was as you say the friend apologised to your husband when he confronted him? I'd have asked the friend when he did it what the fuck he thought he was doing and expected an apology there and then at the very least 😡

Recently his friend grabbed my arse on a night out and my husband’s reaction was not the best.

Never mind his reaction, what was yours?! That's sounds massively bang out of order.

Yes it's abusive. I'd really be looking at how you can leave him. This type of controlling crao only escalates in my experience. You'll find yourself bending over backwards to reassure him but he will only get more paranoid.
Life is too short to waste time with someone like this. Don't let yourself get downtrodden. Sounds like you are a strong person. Don't let him change you.

And you are right it's really shady he wanted an apology from his friend.. instead of making his friend apologise to you. It's like he views you as a possession not a human being. It's like his friend accidentally scratched his car or something. Not that you, a thinking feeling human being, were basically sexually assaulted and may be quite upset about it.

Read up on coercive control, because that's the territory this sits in.

To be honest, I’m very very disappointed at how I reacted at the time. I didn’t say a word I just ran away, which is not me at all. It’s like I was shocked! I have also known this friend for 12 years and it was almost like a brother suddenly doing this to you.
I would have confronted him myself the next day, but his wife just had a baby and to be honest I didn’t want to upset her. This was also very out of character for him so stupidly I put my feelings aside and considered hers instead and hoped that he would do the honourable thing and apologise to me on his own.

Listen to your gut, it’s warning you. The few good years you’ve had will get less and less worth it with every year you spend being controlled. It starts with your clothes, then it’s your makeup and nails, then it’s about why do you need to have your hair like that, then you’re being too friendly with people for no reason. It’s gradual but it will get worse. Don’t look at how long you’ve been together, look at how long you want to stay with him like this.

It was a very bad idea to go telling tales of the latest person to hit on you. It can be seen as trying to make the other jealous or showing off. The right way would be to not say anything as there is nothing to tell if you didn't respond to them, saying something is a sure fire way to make another person wonder if there's something to it, especially if it happens often.
It's your body, you can wear what you like, doesn't give his friend the right to grope your bum. You seem to have no trouble telling your DH how it should be, so did you not feel able to take your DH's friend to task at the time? Some stern words were warranted. Did your DH see it happen, or was this another tale you went to him with after the fact? Something about the way you have dealt with situations makes it look more suss than it needs to, which has made him insecure. It's up to you if how he's reacted is a dealbreaker. If not, a reasonable way forward is to stop telling any tales, deal with things yourself, and don't show him what you've bought or wearing at the gym, because it's non of his business. He might start acting a bit different if you feed him less info.

X posted a bit. It's difficult, but if you keep looking to your DH for backup whenever you get hit on, it's going to grind him down. Never too late to tell his friend he was out of order and it was not appreciated.

It isn't a minor issue, don't minimise it (though I understand why you might, it can't feel easy to think such big and negative things about your husband) - it's the start of controlling and abusive behaviour, and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to leave, for both practical and emotional reasons. Your gut is telling you to run for a very good reason. To my mind, this isn't a situation where you tell him the problem and see if he can fix it, or even have counselling (not recommended in abusive situations anyway) - the fact that he thinks this is an acceptable way to think and speak at all is enough to tell you that he's not a good or safe partner.

That’s actually very good advice. I can confirm I don’t brag or want to make him jealous (he’s jealous enough). It’s something that bothers me if someone doesn’t tell me something upfront I automatically think there is more to the story, in fact it’s the only instance where I get mad. So I thought starting out I wouldn’t hide anything and these chat ups I was honest about because I didn’t want any secrets between us. But hearing this I get it, it’s probably driving him mad!
The outfits, I show him because I’m excited, he’s my best friend now, I’ve known him for years. But also a great way to deal with it.
Thanks for the advice!
The Friend I was in shock didn’t say a word and it’s one of my biggest regrets in life tbh but what’s done is done.

Ah yes, well jealous people can't handle the truth IME, it just fuels their imagination, so better to say nothing. No it's not ideal to be in a position to have to manage someone this way, but then, neither is it ideal to be with a jealous person. Anything you do say will get filled in and added to using their own imagination. It's how their mind works.

He's also a bloke, and a jealous one at that. Even a normal fella would find it hard to get behind your excitement of a new outfit, use your girlfriends for that, he won't miss it. If you don't have any GF's and he is the centre of your world, you have bigger problems and this could be the tip of the iceberg.

I get the feeling this is more complicated than we are being told. The OP made a thread about the groping incident (repeatedly slapping OPs butt until she ran away, everyone was very drunk, all very odd). The OPs username coupled with her mentions of men repeatedly hitting on her, sexy outfits etc, trying them on in front of her male friends etc, make me think this isn't your run of the mill controlling man situation.

That said, the OP should be able to wear whatever she likes, flirt with whoever she likes, go wherever she likes. Her husband should not and cannot control her in this regard. He is fully within his rights to end the relationship though if he's not content for any reason at all.

Wow I never ever tried on sexy outfits for other men! Im struggling to find out where you are getting that from, but just want to clarify! I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and would never ever try on sexy outfits for other men. I just try on nice clothes I’m excited about and show my husband, which after this I will no longer be doing lol.
Good advice from all thanks very much.

Did I get the wrong end of the stick here?

"The outfits, I show him because I’m excited, he’s my best friend now, I’ve known him for years. But also a great way to deal with it."

The repeatedly getting hit on, the oddness of the incident that happened a few months ago and your username still raise questions though.

Sounds like he hasn't always been so strict in his views. This friend grabbing the arse must have really stirred him up. If he'd got himself an ugly woman he'd probably have been happier.

Run!

When people show you who they really are believe them.

It was a very bad idea to go telling tales of the latest person to hit on you. It can be seen as trying to make the other jealous or showing off. The right way would be to not say anything as there is nothing to tell if you didn't respond to them, saying something is a sure fire way to make another person wonder if there's something to it, especially if it happens often.

I disagree with this #@Opentooffers
Simply because I was in a relationship very much like this (,although I wasn't getting "hit" on by other men - but my ex would insist the men were hitting on me) and this wasn't in a going out event this was me at the ship or school run.
I used to be very open like op is until I noticed the jealousy becoming a big issue so I withheld telling certain things to avoid making him jealous and stop the accusations. Instead what I created was a hell hole because then when I didn't disclose information and he found out, I was a liar, untrustworthy etc it escalated things MASSIVELY. He ended up leaving me because I kept bits from him which made him think there was more to things and I mean I hid things like "I seen John ay the shop he said hello" or because "Mark stopped me to ask how dh was keeping"

I was told men and women can't be friends, men are friendly with women because they want the woman etc I too had clothes banned and he hated if I had a plain white tshirt you could perhaps make the shape of your bra out in. Gym leggings of any kind etc

but hiding things or not telling him the smallest of things like someone speaking to me in the shop or hello how are you on the school run created more trust issues for me. I tried every route to pacify him including the one you said and it made him more jealous and untrustworthy of me because I was trying to kill his jealousy and show him I only had eyes for him. He left me a jumped into a new relationship a month later after 15 yrs of marriage

Why should she go to counselling.

This is his problem.

Not unusual for this type of man to wait until he has secured your devotion to reveal his true colours. Don’t indulge him any longer.

And please, please do not attend counselling or therapy with an abuser, ever. It will only perpetuate the damage and trauma you’ve already sustained.

Abuse starts with little things like oh don't wear that.. He is toxic asf. He should have dropped the mate.

OK if you're 32 and going out with your arse hanging out or something he can question it but to actually call you.. His wife.. A slut?