Husband telling me what I cannot wear

[Femqueen]

Hey
So I’ve been with my husband for 12 years but we are married for almost 2.
Ever since we got married I’ve noticed a change in him.
I get a lot of attention from men (let’s be honest every woman does, I’m not special) and he can’t handle it.
I have always been upfront and honest about all people who come on to me, I ensure I tell him what happened etc to maintain trust in the relationship. I think this was a mistake and possibly sparked his paranoia.
Recently his friend grabbed my arse on a night out and my husband’s reaction was not the best. He did not confront the friend right away, but when he did his friend apologised to him and not me. I was not there so do not know how this was handled, however a man with respect for his wife would insist his friend apologises, well at least that’s how I would like to have been treated.
Anyway I don’t know if this sparked my husband’s strange behaviour, but ever since he has been looking at dresses, gym outfits I buy or wear around him and saying “that’s too sexy you can only wear that when I am there”. Initially I thought this was a joke or a weird way to give a compliment (he’s not the best at expressing emotions).
But one night I wore a “banned” outfit and he confronted me about it. This was a while back. Most recently he wouldn’t let me wear a dress to a wedding as he said I would look like a slut and the other day he commented on a gym top and said that’s way to sexy you can’t wear that. He just banned another new dress and I literally had enough and told him that this is abusive behaviour and I won’t tolerate it.
He then proceeded to say “fine go out dressed like a slut if you want, don’t come home and bring your drama back to me”.
I can’t help but think I am somehow being blamed for HIS FRIEND grabbing my arse months ago.
How should I proceed? I’ve been with him for so long and it’s a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, but something in my gut is telling me to run for the hills!

So this man managed to turn a sexual assault you suffered into an incident that was all about him and his wounded pride (or a reminder of the inadequacy of his penis)?

You need to start planning your divorce.

I hope you've been able to find support to get through the sexual assault.

Hi, how are you?

The aim of counseling for the OP would be to figure out how to develop the courage to leave.

Wow that’s some hard core victim-blaming there.

She obviously meant her husband is her best friend and she was showing him outfits before going to the wedding etc.

I’ve been hit on by men all my life, random and known, including my best friend’s former husband, which I shut down instantly. It is hardly an uncommon experience for a moderately attractive woman.

I assume you will also find my username questionable enough to assume that the sexual harassment I’ve experienced was actually my own fault.

If you give some men an inch, they take a mile.

You showing him outfits because 'he's your friend' was interpreted by him as you asking for his approval of your outfits because 'he's your lord and master' in his head.

You need some girlfriends. Do you have any close friends? If not, he knows he has you where he wants you.

This man is not your friend. He has ideas about himself that are not compatible with either the concept of friendship or a relationship of equals.

He has shown you who he is.

Are you going to try to change him now that you know? If the answer to that is yes, please know that you'll be making a huge mistake and wasting your valuable time.

The only element of this that you can change here is you - your expectation of happily growing old with this person should be the first thing to be completely re-examined.

No, I've said that it's unacceptable for the husband to try to control the OP. But I think it's more complicated than we are being told, and that starts with the OPs username (no I have zero issue with yours)

Do you know what Fem Queen means?

It means that theres a very high chance the OP is male. There's obviously a small chance its a coincidence, but assuming the OP IS male, some of the OPs behaviours described could be seen as aiming for validation of a 'female identity' - the 'I get hit on a lot as any woman does', trying on sexy outfits, the spouses discomfort at wearing one of these to a wedding, the OP religiously telling the OP every time they get hit on. Also, whilst women can perfectly legitimately choose to wear revealing gym wear, the vast majority don't want to, and just want to get on with the fitness. It's more common in trans circles though...

It could be that he's controlling and abusive, he could also be very uncomfortable with his spouses new 'look' and not dealing with this in a good way. Either way, no one should be calling anyone a slut.

If my husband started dressing 'as a woman' in revealing outfits, going out getting very drunk and relaying incidents where he'd been hit upon, then I'd have major concerns. I'd be leaving rather than calling names and trying to be controlling though.

I only said if leaving is not an option, some posters might not want to leave. Couples counselling could be an option. Personally, I would be making plans to leave but it's not my life.

While I understand the concern about controlling dynamics, I think there’s room for a more nuanced conversation.

Discomfort in a situation like this doesn’t necessarily stem from a desire to control—it could come from insecurity, fear of being excluded, or even deeply held values about what marriage and partnership represent. For example, some people feel that certain ways of dressing send signals about availability that may not align with their view of a committed relationship. That doesn’t automatically make them abusive; it might just mean they’re struggling to communicate their feelings constructively.

I think it’s important to distinguish between control and a need for reassurance or alignment of values. The key is how the conversation is handled. Does the husband express his feelings respectfully and invite dialogue? Or does he make demands and use ultimatums? The former is a sign of someone wanting to work through an issue together, while the latter veers into toxic or abusive territory.

Every relationship has boundaries, and what works for one couple might not for another. But labeling someone as abusive without considering the full context can shut down an opportunity for understanding and growth.

What are your thoughts? How do we better distinguish between control and valid concerns in relationships?

You did the right thing by telling him no to the dress police. I guess given the history I'd just carry on as before with what you wear, and let it calm down.
He has no right to tell you what to wear and you don't need to change it just cos you're married. If I go out showing my boobs etc DH tells me how great I look. That's an appropriate response. I wouldn't tell him about flirting unless it was comical (I'm 43 and fat so it's hardly an issue anyway)but I don't think he needs to know about every chat with a bloke I have.

The arse mate, actually I wouldn't leave it for DH to fix. If message and say I'm aware you apologised to DH, however I'm not his property and in still awaiting MY apology

Discomfort in a situation like this doesn’t necessarily stem from a desire to control—it could come from insecurity, fear of being excluded, or even deeply held values about what marriage and partnership represent. For example, some people feel that certain ways of dressing send signals about availability that may not align with their view of a committed relationship.

Telling someone they can’t wear something because you’re insecure and afraid their clothes might be interpreted by some to mean they are available for sex is control no matter which way you cut it.

Sorry but this seems a bit victim blaming to me. Why shouldn't she tell her husband? She didn't ask to be felt up by this so called friend. He touched her without consent. If anyone should have shame, it's the ex friend and now husband!

But labeling someone as abusive without considering the full context can shut down an opportunity for understanding and growth.

Calling your wife a slut is abusive.

@Docpsych Is there any particular reason why you searched for a six month old zombie thread to post your advice on?

He is insecure.
He doesn't trust you. Iou are above his "rank", he is jealous & will try to dress you down so that you are less obvious.
It is coercive control, & will not end here.
My advice is to tell him you will wear exactly what you want, when you want.
He should be telling you you look fantastic, not that you are a slut.
Nasty insular controlling behaviour.
Don't expect him to change, in my experience he won't, he will start to ruin days out, make a fuss or have a fight, call constantly if you go out alone. sulk when your family are around, making it uncomfortable to see certain people, gradually you will stop doing things you like to try & keep him happy. Your life will become smaller & smaller until you are a tiny brown mouse in a box.

This. Why did it need to be restarted?

He has called you a slut.
if that’s a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, I’m worried about what the other issues are!
His behaviour isn’t really ok. You don’t sound like you’re enjoying this!

Unless you are wearing tiny leather hotpants and stripper platforms and I don’t know, a tiny top with no bra? I mean, I do know someone that dressed like a stripper/ call girl day to day, and in those cases, yes, maybe the family should have said something. But I highly doubt that’s your case!

ZombieEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeee.......................

Ah feck!