Emotional Affairs

[holly564]

So a little back story to my marriage , 10 year ago my husband had what I would call a text affair with a women he was working for. At the same time things came to ahead with him having a porn addiction that had him staying up every single night to watch porn. Things came to head after discovering the text chats with another women and my husband went for counselling to deal with his issues.

This seemed to work well and we have been rebuilding our marriage since. Recently a friends off my husbands was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it’s not a friend I really knew as it was through work. In the final two weeks of his friends life he was in a hospice and my husband visited everynight. During these visits my husband met his friends girlfriend and he said she was really nice and she had texted him during the day to let my husband know how his friend was doing. It’s is now 6 weeks after his friends death and my husband and his girlfriend are still texting each it other and in one message she told him she missing his hugs ! My husband hasn’t said anything inappropriate as in the past but is very in couraging off them keeping texting and has called her a few times and has never mentioned this to me . When I have confronted him about it he just claims that he was trying to support her out off respect for his friend. She has plenty off friends family etc for support. Would you consider this an emotional affair ?

I would think at the moment it is probably emotional support for each other because of the shared loss. And also the shared experience of his friends illness, which must have been really tough for them both.
However I think there is a real danger of this escalating into an emotional affair.

ditto

This does not sound like an emotional affair.
Just a shared grief and an attempt to help someone through the loss of a loved one.
I can understand that you're weary, given your history. But you're reading too much into it.
How did you 'discover' the communication between them? Are you reading his texts and checking his phone records behind his back? Because if you are, that would concern me. I understand you've been hurt before, but you can't hold on to the past if you two ever hope to move forward as a couple.

You kind of have to know where her heads at in relation to your DH. Probably not an emotional affair but if it impinges on your relationship then it's not really on. I agree if she has plenty of other friends - female ones- then she should maybe turn more to them now.

I don’t agree, I think this is moving into emotional affair territory.

He has form for it. I hate to say that but he does. There’s a huge element of secrecy and subterfuge around their contact by not telling you. I consider that lying by omission. You have brought this up and he has dismissed your concerns and maintained the contact you feel uncomfortable with.

And the message about missing his hugs crosses a line for me.

It’s time for her to seek support elsewhere.

Shared grief and experiences like this have a way of creating close bonds. People need to be vigilant or things can become blurred - he needs to gently step away now and create distance out of respect for his relationship and to prevent a big ole mess.

This is my concern I had no idea they had maintained contact until he mentioned something that made me suspicious. Our boundaries since problem in the past was to communicate if we were having to message anyone off opposite sex which there hasn’t been.

the I’m missing your hugs is abit off a red flag for me also

There's no objective definition of 'emotional affair', though. Some of the stuff people class under that heading on here for me would count as entirely normal interactions with opposite-sex friends, especially in crises. DH a few months back flew to see an old friend in Spain because her mother had died. And I feel sure that some Mners would see some of my lengthy text conversations with close male friends as liable to be a staging point towards ripping one another's clothes off (only they're not ) and DH and I have been happily together for 30 years without accidentally falling onto someone else's genitals.

Impossible to know with your DH and this recently-bereaved woman, whose head is probably all over the place.

I don't agree either. It's inappropriate and in my marriage I would expect a boundary.

Its not usual to tell a platonic friend you miss their hugs. I can't imagine for a moment a male friend would have said that to him, and its quite intense if they were both women. A man who you'd expect to be particularly vigilant about boundaries because he has form for his friendships with women taking an inappropriate turn, really should have seem it as a red flag, that the woman is starting to depend on him 'as a man' rather than just another friend. And he probably has. But the pull to be a hero with the female attention it brings is too strong. For some reason, your H isn't satisfied with the attention of one woman, and this is the second time he's sought it elsewhere. He needs to go back to counselling.

When one partner has a physical or an emotional affair, the only way forward is if the partner who committed the infidelities takes full responsibility for their actions and agrees to whatever boundaries the other partner decides that they need to put in place in order to feel “safe”. @holly564 what are the boundaries you put in place when you worked through his previous emotional affair? Did any of them involve not texting other women? Or did any of the boundaries include not touching other women? What was agreed at the time, and has he crossed any of those boundaries with this woman? Why have they exchanged numbers?

Our boundaries since problem in the past was to communicate if we were having to message anyone off opposite sex which there hasn’t been.

Just saw this OP. Completely out of order then—he has crossed the boundaries agreed after his last transgression. Not acceptable under any circumstances.

@5128gap you're right, and this is why men and women struggle to ever be just friends - that hug comment sounds innocent but when you reframe it as in would a man send that message to another man, no of course they wouldn't!

Our boundaries were no texting other women unless was needed for work etc and if it did need to happen for any reason then he would communicate that with me and I could see texts if I wanted too. One thing that made me suspicious is he stated carrying his phone everywhere witg him even to go to the loo where as we have agreed over the years our phones should be open books to each of other and before he would happily leave his phone around but I noticed he stopped doing this. I know is sounds paranoid but when your trust has been broken before you notice these things.

He knew the post-emotional-affair boundaries and trampled straight through them. What’s your next move, OP?

He claims that he was just trying to support her, as he hasn’t said anything inappropriate as such then he doesn’t see the problem. Also that as our other problems were so long ago he didn’t see a problem with it as it’s all been so long ago and nothing like this has happened since.

When. I asked did you not think the I’m missing your hugs comment was abit off a red flag he claims he didn’t think much off it.

I feel really disrespected and don’t really believe his I didn’t reallly see it

He knew, and agreed to, the boundaries. He’s just trying to minimise / backtrack / gaslight / make you sound unreasonable. “How could I possibly stick to boundaries I’ve set with my wife when there is a woman clearly in need.” Please. Spare me. It would’ve taken him 5 seconds to tell you and he’s been hiding his phone.

It’s a tricky one I would say it’s not an emotional affair at this stage and they are both grieving, however if it carries on indefinitely or the messaging doesn’t decrease then he needs to nip it in the bud.

I don't think you're paranoid I think he is taking the piss.

Her husband died she is probably too traumatised and upset to consider a romantic relationship with someone else right now

@holly564, your H has breached your recovery requirements to get closer to this woman. He is well aware that he has broken your agreement, but is using the manipulative justification that ‘the expiration date on those boundaries has surely run out after 10 years.’ As the cheater, he doesn’t get to unilaterally cancel transparency and other safeguards to pursue rescuer gratification.

In my view, he is well on his way down the slippery slope to EA territory. What began as support for this couple has evolved into a KISA/Damsel dynamic. They are sharing a deepening intimacy and reliance that pose a real threat to your marriage. His lying by omission regarding maintaining contact, his secretive phone behavior, and her declaration of missing his hugs are evidence of their inappropriate connection.

For the second time (that you know of) he is investing in illicit validation. Don’t allow him to dismiss your discomfort and downplay his behavior. If he won’t distance himself, I’d be out.

You and he had an agreement regarding contact with other women, doesn't matter that it's been a long time since there were problems and that agreement was put in place, he still broke it.

How does he explain the change in his behaviour with his phone (taking it everywhere) and the fact that he didn't mention the messages/calls OP? Don't accept 'I didn't realise' as an excuse, with his history he should have been alert to anything that threatened the trust he's presumably had to work hard to rebuild with you, 'I didn't realise' just doesn't cut it. I'm afraid I think he very much did realise and was encouraging/enjoying it and that would confirm to me that he can never be trusted not to do this again, he had his second chance and he blew it.

Hello OP
i have reconciled after an affair (physical and emotional) that my partner had…different circumstances as the affair was dead when I found out but I understand about the need for boundaries

this is really complex because they are both grieving and as commenters we have just a snippet of their conversation. I see that you say that he hasn’t said anything appropriate but has been encouraging the continued contact

I would suggest it could be a way for him to still feel close with his friend after death, but I think he is still behaving suspiciously and his responses are not great.

I think an honest conversation is needed, to reset the boundaries. There will be a sensitive way to communicate this to the grieving woman but he needs to take accountability first. I probably would be a bit more lenient on the when and how to communicate it though, in light of the grieving

best wishes OP

*hasn’t said anything INappropriate
sorry OP I missed the edit window and noticed this

I’m not saying she was trying to start a romantic relationship with him. Although I do find the I’m missing your hugs a questionable thing to say to some else’s husband you bearly know as I said they had never met before this.

We have talked it out more and he has apologised and says he think grief has clouded his judgement on this and I think triggered some old behaviour patterns. I have asked that if she keeps messaging that he be honest that this crosses the boundaries of his marriage and he can’t continue to be her emotional support. I know that she has very close family and friends so she doesn’t need my husband as that.

I think the big lesson here is no matter how much time has passed when there has been broken trust can’t let your guard down no matter the situation.

Thank you to everyone’s replies it has been good to get other peoples perspectives.