Do we tend to recreate our childhood in our adult relationships?

[Ioftenwonder]

I’ve just come to realise that I’ve always picked the wrong men. Ones that need fixing and pleasing like the relationship I had with my controlling emotionally dead mother!

Is this common?

@Ioftenwonder very common. Look up the attachment theory. The attachments we formed during our childhood shape the path for our romantic relationships as well as how we become as people.

Some people do break the cycle but usually subconsciously people do carry traits from the result of your childhood

Yes!

There is a fantastic book called ‘doing the work’ on this. Been a big game changer for me

Absolutely. Until you heal those old patterns, you just act them out.

My parents relationship was my dad appeasing my mum and her moods. If she was happy then everyone did better. We all copied.

I’ve gone the other way. My father was a controlling, narcissistic bully and compulsive liar, and in relationships I have always been drawn to sweet, easy-going men who are honest to a fault.

It’s like I learned early on what to avoid.

@Usernamen my brother was like you, he chose a good wife. I didn’t learn that, I learned to please my way to love in the past.

I agree, it's so difficult not to become your parents.

I think a lot of families are in some sort of (vicious) cycle of certain behaviours for many generations.

Think about uncle James is the black sheep or auntie Mary that nobody is talking about.

I think it's less prominent these days as we have more fractured and smaller family units.

I suppose you either luck out with great parents. Learn what not to recreate or get stuck trying to recreate.

A good summary on this by School of Life:

My dad was controlling and abusive and I've had 3 different relationships with abusive/controlling men. For me, there was a weird kind of "safety" in it. I know how to handle those types of relationships. I have no idea how to "be" in a normal relationship. As in how to act, how things should go, what's ok and what isn't. Not sure if that even makes sense! But I just don't have any experience to draw on. It's an unknown world to me. I've dated "normal" men but I just can't make it work.

It's one of the reasons I'm just going to be alone now. Yes I could have therapy etc but I'm rapidly heading to 60 and I just can't be assed! It's just not worth it to me at this point.

To frame it slightly different, we tolerate what we are familiar with.

Many people would not tolerate an erratic man. A woman who is experienced in tolerating it doesn't run at the first sign of trouble.

I am very like my dad- easy going, patient, look for the best in people. I also tolerate my mother, to an extent.

I think we do, and then exactly the opposite when we become aware enough. Both me and DH have chosen partners (each other) who are complete opposites of our parent figures. In appearance, career choices and personality. Our marriage is also completely different to what our parents had/have. Not "better", just different dynamic/roles/responsibilities. Which obviously again is circling back to the childhood trauma - having a calm partner when coming from shouty home, that sort of thing.

Do a bit of reading on Repetition Compulsion.

Yes it is definitely a thing.

If you grew up in a disfunctional family, you don't recognise red flags as being harmful.

According to attachment theory about codependency, some people actively seek to recreate the disfunctional relationships they had with their parents as a way of trying to 'fix' the original relationship. Or prove that they are worthy of love by making someone equally messed up loving them.

It wasn't until my 30 year marriage was over that I realised I had replicated my parents' relationship.

During the marriage I remember thinking at one point that "X isn't like dad though, he doesn't shout" but he didn't need to, his upbringing had taught him how to be devious.

If I can help prevent anyone else going through what I and my mother went through with a gentle guide in the direction of 'that's not okay' I will. I think that's quite common too, women who have been abused often want to help others in similar situations.

Probably. I think we learn a lot from the men in our lives and sadly if you get a shit dad you're expecting that from partners too. I know my dad all but ignored me as a kid, then used me to do housework and cook for him as an adult, glorified in my work and child and now expects me to upkeep his houses for him at my own expense while being a single mum and obviously I'm not allowed to go on holiday or use my money for me and dd - he has to be central. I was ill in January and he is still cross that I haven't been over to sort out his hoarding hovel. Has now ignored me for 4 months and counting. I have no wish to re-engage.

I've let men treat me pretty badly as a result in my teens and 20's - I had low standards and just wanted someone to love me. I picked guys who had no intention of having a family, porn obsessed (like my dad) don't actually like women types. They all cheated because to them women are useful objects but get boring. I grew a backbone when I had my daughter and have had a much clearer idea on men and why I don't particularly want one in my life. Not the kinds I see available at any rate. My dad is furious that I have a great relationship with my daughter and she is having a wonderful life. He wants it to be down to him but he has done sod all for either of us (looked after the dog for a week once) other than nag, complain, tell us we are doing it all wrong and generally fuck things up on purpose for us. That is sadly what I mostly see from men these days, sexist as it may be. If I could find a useful one I'd be more than happy to share my life. They need to prove it these days though.

Very common. I think people tend to choose along the same lines or the absolute opposite.

My father was aggressive, bullying and thoroughly unpleasant.

Two of my sisters have husbands who are gentle giants who wouldn't say boo. One sister married a husband like our father, divorced him pretty quickly and is now with a mild mannered man.
Fourth sister lives with a woman.
I prefer to live alone.

Interesting thread.

I would say I have a very different parenting style to my mother. After my son was born I became even more perplexed by some of her behaviours to me as a child because I could not imagine treating my child that way.

My ExH on the other hand repeated his mother's behaviours towards him as a teen and young adult, to our son. Despite his mother's behaviours ruining their relationship, he didn't think twice about the perils of repeating it and sees himself as the victim in the demise of his relationship with our son, despite being the perpetrator. I don't think he ever acknowledged the emotional harm his mother caused him. Looking back I can see that he was emotionally manipulative from the point I met him. He gaslights those close to him in order to maintain a victim status and to invoke pity. he uses this as a form of control, albeit vert subtly. Perhaps in some ways I was co-dependent in wanting to fix him. I failed to fix my mother and I wonder if I was attracted to him as a project. Deep down I resented him and found him to be an incompetent father and husband. I had similar feelings towards him throughout our marriage, to those I had for my mother.

Although I have not repeated my mother's behaviours, there is no doubt that they continue to influence me. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and once someone crosses my boundaries, there is absolutely no going back. Generally that is a good thing. But in the past there have been occasions where I have acted too harshly and walked away when I should have been more tolerant and taken a deep breath - I am talking friendships here not intimate relationships.

No. I like to think I've broken the cycle, (I hope anyway).

My mum is/was a narcissist. She made sure we were very emotionally enmeshed to the point it was always her voice I heard in my head not my own. She even had me cover for her with my dad when she was sleeping with his brother, (my uncle).

I was determined to have an honest, open relationship I did not want to be like her at all. Although funnily enough, like Rachel from Friends, I've ended up being a lot like my dad.

My relationship with DH is very different from the way my parents' relationship was (they're divorced now), and my parenting is majorly different from the way both my parents' was.

Agree, but it's more than tolerate.... we are actively drawn to, and actually attract the same damaged personality profile we encountered in childhood.

Eg with an abusive/explosive parent, we grow up learning that this is love, so we recognize and are drawn to that in others. (We may read a softer more accommodating life as weak). Psychologists also say that subconsciously we see it as a chance to reinvent our sad childhood, by being with someone similar but hopefully getting a different result.

It doesn't need to be abusive.... We are also drawn to people we feel allow themselves emotions we don't, in the hope that we will get to have those emotions close, and even absorb them. (Eg I am a selfless pleaser/passifier... so I can be inspired by this person brimming with confidence who says what they want and lets themselves feel anger sometimes,). Sometimes this can end positively, with both partners absorbing the emotional map of the other and each becoming more balanced. But just as likely it becomes more and more polarized, each displaying their tendencies in the extreme.

In just the same way, the other person will seek out and 'map' to you. So eg a narcissist who had a loving, caring, accommodating mother who he dominated, will absolutely (consciously or unconsciously) seek someone they can dominate....

@financialcareerstuff sounds a lot like my relationship. My ex had what I would call a narc dad and a passive mum. He needed
the same in a partner. My mum was a neglectful controlling women. I found my ex, loud, passionate, etc etc. It was a shit show! Nothing I did was ever enough and nothing I did be actually saw anyway. He needed constantly picking up and admiring.

Gosh that line about hearing her voice in your head really resonates. I’ve not heard it put like that before. Thank you I found that really powerful.

@TorroFerney I think maybe that’s how splitting occurs. When you have the voice of your abuser and your own voice. I know I’ve my personality and I can feel another voice of my mum and we are at odds. I drown it out.

This. Except that you don’t just tolerate it, you don’t even notice it as a sign of a bad relationship or character trait. It’s just normal to you.

My goal was not to marry my Dad but I ended up marrying someone very like my Dad. I can see now I was unable to recognize the warning signs as warning signs. They were just a normal way to be treated to me.

I feel I’ve swing the opposite direction with my now partner. He is laid back with no (visible) emotions.