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Original poster

Married but in love with someone else

40 replies

beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 12:23

Please don't judge me for this, I am after some genuine advice before I ask for professional counselling help.
This is quite long so bear with me.

I've been with my husband coming up 28 years. We've been together since I was 18, he's just a few years older. We have two wonderful children of 13 and 8.

When we got together, he was everything I wanted - a little older, good job, money, just buying a house, looked after me, had great friends, we had great sex, and I did everything I could to make him love me and not see me as this 'child'. I had a great job too, and used to hanging around people I always had to pay for, so for me this was the opposite and it was great.
We had a happy life for 3 years and we went abroad to work together.

While there we met some amazing friends, but I never thought I he wanted me there.

Like this was something HE wanted to do.

He'd never mentioned getting married or anything, certainly didn't want kids at this stage, we were living a good life, but something always niggled.
I got a lot of attention when I was younger - blonde hair, slim, happy, bubbly, wanted to be everyone's friend type of person, wanted everyone to like me.
When I got male attention, even if it was just harmless flirting, my now-husband hated it. We argued a lot.

One guy we met became one of our best friends out there and I began to feel something for him that I shouldn't have. He never clicked, and neither did my now-husband, but it was definitely there.
He used to visit me on my days off but I never said a word despite me desperate for him to make a move.
Fast forward 6 months and we lost our jobs and had to come home. I was devastated especially as the other guy I had very strong feelings for didn't come back to the UK, he bounced to another country and still there to this day.
He met someone, got married and also has a couple of kids similar age to mine.

Facebook didn't exist - my now-husband and him would email etc but we eventually lost touch. I was gutted but there was nothing I could do. I got on with life but still marriage wasn't mentioned.
I never stopped thinking about the other guy, but I got over him to a point and carried on with my life.

At 6 years other things happened in life that my husband had always wanted us to do sexually (won't go into that), which I did. He always joked that he'd marry me if I did it, so I did. No proposal.

We got to 8 years in our relationship and still no proposal, not even a whiff.
I had a business and one of my customers who was a bit older (like an older brother older) asked me why I wasn't married yet?
I explained I wanted to be and it never happened etc, and he asked me if I was going to wait, or did I think maybe it had run its course and start again. This wasn't a come on, this was a genuine question and it got me thinking.

Things happened and long story short, someone started texting me of which I responded to but told him I'd never cheat, I wasn't like that and I certainly would never do anything sexually without my now-husband.
Unfortunately my now-husband saw one of the texts and hit the roof (rightly so, but didn't believe that I hadn't done anything.)

We stayed together and 2 months on lo and behold he proposed.
He saw it as a wake up call. If he didn't marry me, someone else would woo me away.

We've been happy, very happy, but we have never stopped arguing - I thought this was just part of a relationship, sometimes it has been physical. No bruises or black eyes or beating or anything, but the odd thump, smack into a wall etc.

But I always thought of the guy abroad and what might have been. I never ever told him how I felt and life went on. By now FB obviously was invented and I kept an eye on what was going on with our friend and his family. He was happy so I was happy.

Recently we reconnected. It was my husbands idea to go and see him and I thought this may be great for closure. It wasn't.
I've come back and I'm in such a bad place.
He's taken my heart again and I am head over heels. I mean head over heels.
So much so I've really struggled to eat, sleep, or think about anything else.
So much so I rang him a couple of weeks ago and told him.
He lives a long flight away but I just couldn't hold it any longer, I had to tell him. You live once right?

Turns out through various texts over the last few weeks he's not been together with his wife for 5 years - live in the same house but not bed. He's not happy, but together for other reasons I won't mention, and the kids.

After another argument the other night, my husband said he wanted a divorce. I didn't argue. The following morning it was like nothing had happened but I wasn't having it.
I told the other guy I had had enough. He suggested I speak to someone, have some sort of counselling, get some advice before I walked. He's been truly lovely through all this and it's the first time I've actually let it all out. Not just my feelings for him, but also how I feel at home. I lost all of my friends when we got together and I've always felt a bit alone, but I'm terrified of BEING on my own.

I also forgot to mention my husband cheated on me 2 years after we got married and our kids were the product of that. I regret it deeply, not our kids, but I should have walked, but he's loved me and looked after me ever since (bar the arguments).
I couldn't be bothered to start again, but he has always treaded on eggshells.
We have two of the most beautiful kids, and I don't want them to hate me if I walk, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life with thinking what if?

We're all still young enough (40s) so start again and be happy, but I'm very aware it may destroy what we have as a family unit and what I've worked so hard to build.
I'm terrified of how I feel for this other guy, but I'm also terrified if I don't do anything about it and when the kids leave home we end up splitting anyway. It will also break me if the other guy moved on. He has told me he's there for me any time to vent etc.
He feels very deeply for me, and says if I'm going to leave it should be for me, and not for him which is very sensible.

I love my husband, of course I do, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him. I'm tired of arguing, I'm tired of not doing anything for me, but also very aware we have 2 children to think about. We also have a successful business together which would be tough to sort, but doable.

I just don't know what to do for the best.
Thank you in advance if you got to the end.

OP posts:
PinkLemonade555 · 17/06/2024 12:31

What a mess. First of all, you need to leave your abusive husband, and then spend some time getting clarity over what you want instead of bouncing from an abuser to someone who isn’t available.

your feelings might not be as strong for this man if you no longer see him as an escape.

he is also, despite what he tells you, still married.

mrsmalaprop · 17/06/2024 12:43

I agree with PinkLemonade

I think you are fixating on the other man because you are projecting things onto him that you are lacking with your horrible husband.

And he is horrible, I'm afraid. He married you because he thought he was going to lose control of you and 'lose you to another man' - not because he loved you and wanted to make you happy and be with you. He waited for years before proposing because you were fine for now, but he didn't want to commit. That's the only reason men keep women dangling like that.

The other man might be meeting your emotional need for connection, but he is also just another man. He isn't perfect. He isn't 'The one', you haven't been in a relationship with him, so you don't actually know what he's like as a partner. He is probably absolutely lovely, but I am concerned at how much you've attached yourself emotionally to him. It isn't real. He sounds like your fantasy escape, not your soulmate.

Do not jump from one thing to another. You need to find out who you are alone and get your boundaries straight. Even if you did end up with the other man, it won't work while you're not a whole person in your own right.

This sounds painful. Good luck.

AsYouWantToBe · 17/06/2024 12:49

You're fixated on the other bloke because you're married to someone violent and unpleasant. You should certainly end your marriage, but focus on your own welfare and that of your children, and whether, for instance, it is safe for them to share residence with you. There is absolutely no future in leaping into another relationship with someone you knew for six months many years ago, and have just seen again, once, on your holidays.

Even he is saying, perfectly sensibly, that you should not end your marriage for him. Which also suggests his feelings don't match yours.

user1471886287 · 17/06/2024 12:51

You are having an emotional affair, his poor wife! Shame on you!

Original poster
beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 13:08

user1471886287 · 17/06/2024 12:51

You are having an emotional affair, his poor wife! Shame on you!

His wife has been verbally abusive for 8 years, they've not slept together for 5. 'His poor wife' - poor him. She won't work, he does everything for the kids, works, provides. We witnessed all of it. But that didn't escalate anything.

OP posts:
BizzyOldFule · 17/06/2024 13:24

You are having an emotional affair - and if I understand correctly it isn't the first time.
You are in abusive marriage - and really should leave. You stayed because you didn't want to be on your own. You were very young when you got together but not when you married.
You're not with your husband for the right reasons - this isn't good for you, him or the kids.

The other man is flattered - likes the idea of someone fancying him from afar but will never leave his wife and kids - and is unlikely to make any effort to be with you. (And he lives in another country - what will you do with the kids when you pursue the OM?)

As pps have said - arrange to leave your marriage, then get used to your new self and living without a man. THEN, if the OM wants to take things further see if he is willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.

Original poster
beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 13:27

AsYouWantToBe · 17/06/2024 12:49

You're fixated on the other bloke because you're married to someone violent and unpleasant. You should certainly end your marriage, but focus on your own welfare and that of your children, and whether, for instance, it is safe for them to share residence with you. There is absolutely no future in leaping into another relationship with someone you knew for six months many years ago, and have just seen again, once, on your holidays.

Even he is saying, perfectly sensibly, that you should not end your marriage for him. Which also suggests his feelings don't match yours.

Understood. I do need to focus on me, hence I'm here looking for advice.
I don't want to jump into another relationship, I do need time for me and the kids.
My kids never witness arguments though, and we don't argue all the time, and we are all perfectly safe, my husband tends to thump me in the back as I turn away from him in bed as I'm done arguing.

OP posts:
AsYouWantToBe · 17/06/2024 13:28

beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 13:08

His wife has been verbally abusive for 8 years, they've not slept together for 5. 'His poor wife' - poor him. She won't work, he does everything for the kids, works, provides. We witnessed all of it. But that didn't escalate anything.

Show quote history

Hang on, you hadn't had any contact with this man in years, then you and your DH went to see him. For a holiday. How much can you possibly have 'witnessed'?

Original poster
beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 13:35

AsYouWantToBe · 17/06/2024 13:28

Hang on, you hadn't had any contact with this man in years, then you and your DH went to see him. For a holiday. How much can you possibly have 'witnessed'?

Show quote history

You have no idea. It was awful and my husband said if he'd known they were at that point we should have cancelled going. (I know!)

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 17/06/2024 13:40

Leave your abusive husband, and then take a few years to be alone, get some counseling, and figure out what you want and need in a partner before getting into another relationship. Going from one inadequate man to another isn't going to improve your life.

mrsmalaprop · 17/06/2024 14:20

OP, for some reason you are minimising him hitting you.

Why are you doing that?

Opentooffers · 17/06/2024 14:21

Your limerance over his friend was and is a symptom of the problems in your relationship that you haven't addressed. There's nothing small about a thump or a smack into a wall, you should of left him the first time he did that. Your DH isolated you, you lost touch with friends and he moved you abroad with him. He thought that making himself the centre of your world would ensure you'd never leave him without having to marry you, because he though he had all the control and power. However, he got a wakeup call and married you out of his insecurity.
It's never too late to leave, and if it takes some leaning on this other guy to give you the strength to do it, so be it. Don't aim to go straight to him though, it won't end in a fairytale. To even consider it you should insist that he is fully separated from his relationship too.
Play it like you take your DH's suggestion of divorce seriously, carry on agreeing with it. Ask him calmly about dividing finances and sorting co-parenting. He's done you a favour by suggesting it, takes away any shock factor, the fear of bringing it up has already been done for you.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 17/06/2024 14:23

beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 13:08

His wife has been verbally abusive for 8 years, they've not slept together for 5. 'His poor wife' - poor him. She won't work, he does everything for the kids, works, provides. We witnessed all of it. But that didn't escalate anything.

Show quote history

Thank you for the drip feed!!!

TBH - you have a very complex life!!!

piglet81 · 17/06/2024 14:27

OP this is all a terrible mess and (understandably) you’re not looking at things logically.

a) your husband is abusive and you need to find a way to leave him and get to a place of safety with your children
b) the other man is a red herring. He’s not available and neither are you. Presumably your obsession with him is a subconscious way of making your current life bearable.

please please speak to women’s aid or similar and make a plan to leave. The way you talk so casually about your husband ‘just’ thumping you or shoving you into walls is really chilling.

SheilaFentiman · 17/06/2024 14:38

You are not safe with a man who thumps you repeatedly.

Leave, figure out who you are by yourself, you were a teen when you met your husband.

Maybe OM will be the new squeeze, maybe you will meet someone local on a dating app, maybe you will be single for a while.

But first: leave.

GoldDuster · 17/06/2024 14:42

You need to seperate out what's going on here.

You are married to a man who physically abuses you. Shoving you into walls, hitting you and punching you in the back when you turn away from him is not just something that you have to accept as part of a marriage. It's not.

He feels very deeply for me, and says if I'm going to leave it should be for me, and not for him which is very sensible

This is him telling you that there is not a relationship with him to jump into. He's telling you clearly not to leave your husband for him, listen to him.

You should leave your husband for you, and for your children. And then anything that comes about in future when you're on an even keel and in a position to start a relationship with someone that adds to your children's lives, then fair enough. Your children will know that he hits you. They see and know much much more than you realise, don't downplay what's going on, or stay with their abusive father for their sake.

Break this down into chunks, and deal with it that way.

Bobbotgegrinch · 17/06/2024 16:19

Your entire post could be summarised as
"This happened, and I should have left him, but I didn't.
And then this happened, and I should have left him, but I didn't.
And then this happened, and I should have left him, but I didn't.
And then this happened, and I should have left him, but I didn't.
And then this happened, and I should have left him, but I didn't."

Some of the things that happened are down to you, and some of them were down to him. But all of them were reasons to end the relationship.

How many more times before you finally do what you should have done 25 years ago @beeasywithme ?

kkloo · 17/06/2024 16:27

I also forgot to mention my husband cheated on me 2 years after we got married and our kids were the product of that

What do you mean? The affair partner is the mother?

TerrifiedandWorried · 17/06/2024 16:29

You need to learn to be an adult on your own. How much older than you is your husband?

Mummy2024 · 17/06/2024 16:42

beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 12:23

Please don't judge me for this, I am after some genuine advice before I ask for professional counselling help.
This is quite long so bear with me.

I've been with my husband coming up 28 years. We've been together since I was 18, he's just a few years older. We have two wonderful children of 13 and 8.

When we got together, he was everything I wanted - a little older, good job, money, just buying a house, looked after me, had great friends, we had great sex, and I did everything I could to make him love me and not see me as this 'child'. I had a great job too, and used to hanging around people I always had to pay for, so for me this was the opposite and it was great.
We had a happy life for 3 years and we went abroad to work together.

While there we met some amazing friends, but I never thought I he wanted me there.

Like this was something HE wanted to do.

He'd never mentioned getting married or anything, certainly didn't want kids at this stage, we were living a good life, but something always niggled.
I got a lot of attention when I was younger - blonde hair, slim, happy, bubbly, wanted to be everyone's friend type of person, wanted everyone to like me.
When I got male attention, even if it was just harmless flirting, my now-husband hated it. We argued a lot.

One guy we met became one of our best friends out there and I began to feel something for him that I shouldn't have. He never clicked, and neither did my now-husband, but it was definitely there.
He used to visit me on my days off but I never said a word despite me desperate for him to make a move.
Fast forward 6 months and we lost our jobs and had to come home. I was devastated especially as the other guy I had very strong feelings for didn't come back to the UK, he bounced to another country and still there to this day.
He met someone, got married and also has a couple of kids similar age to mine.

Facebook didn't exist - my now-husband and him would email etc but we eventually lost touch. I was gutted but there was nothing I could do. I got on with life but still marriage wasn't mentioned.
I never stopped thinking about the other guy, but I got over him to a point and carried on with my life.

At 6 years other things happened in life that my husband had always wanted us to do sexually (won't go into that), which I did. He always joked that he'd marry me if I did it, so I did. No proposal.

We got to 8 years in our relationship and still no proposal, not even a whiff.
I had a business and one of my customers who was a bit older (like an older brother older) asked me why I wasn't married yet?
I explained I wanted to be and it never happened etc, and he asked me if I was going to wait, or did I think maybe it had run its course and start again. This wasn't a come on, this was a genuine question and it got me thinking.

Things happened and long story short, someone started texting me of which I responded to but told him I'd never cheat, I wasn't like that and I certainly would never do anything sexually without my now-husband.
Unfortunately my now-husband saw one of the texts and hit the roof (rightly so, but didn't believe that I hadn't done anything.)

We stayed together and 2 months on lo and behold he proposed.
He saw it as a wake up call. If he didn't marry me, someone else would woo me away.

We've been happy, very happy, but we have never stopped arguing - I thought this was just part of a relationship, sometimes it has been physical. No bruises or black eyes or beating or anything, but the odd thump, smack into a wall etc.

But I always thought of the guy abroad and what might have been. I never ever told him how I felt and life went on. By now FB obviously was invented and I kept an eye on what was going on with our friend and his family. He was happy so I was happy.

Recently we reconnected. It was my husbands idea to go and see him and I thought this may be great for closure. It wasn't.
I've come back and I'm in such a bad place.
He's taken my heart again and I am head over heels. I mean head over heels.
So much so I've really struggled to eat, sleep, or think about anything else.
So much so I rang him a couple of weeks ago and told him.
He lives a long flight away but I just couldn't hold it any longer, I had to tell him. You live once right?

Turns out through various texts over the last few weeks he's not been together with his wife for 5 years - live in the same house but not bed. He's not happy, but together for other reasons I won't mention, and the kids.

After another argument the other night, my husband said he wanted a divorce. I didn't argue. The following morning it was like nothing had happened but I wasn't having it.
I told the other guy I had had enough. He suggested I speak to someone, have some sort of counselling, get some advice before I walked. He's been truly lovely through all this and it's the first time I've actually let it all out. Not just my feelings for him, but also how I feel at home. I lost all of my friends when we got together and I've always felt a bit alone, but I'm terrified of BEING on my own.

I also forgot to mention my husband cheated on me 2 years after we got married and our kids were the product of that. I regret it deeply, not our kids, but I should have walked, but he's loved me and looked after me ever since (bar the arguments).
I couldn't be bothered to start again, but he has always treaded on eggshells.
We have two of the most beautiful kids, and I don't want them to hate me if I walk, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life with thinking what if?

We're all still young enough (40s) so start again and be happy, but I'm very aware it may destroy what we have as a family unit and what I've worked so hard to build.
I'm terrified of how I feel for this other guy, but I'm also terrified if I don't do anything about it and when the kids leave home we end up splitting anyway. It will also break me if the other guy moved on. He has told me he's there for me any time to vent etc.
He feels very deeply for me, and says if I'm going to leave it should be for me, and not for him which is very sensible.

I love my husband, of course I do, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him. I'm tired of arguing, I'm tired of not doing anything for me, but also very aware we have 2 children to think about. We also have a successful business together which would be tough to sort, but doable.

I just don't know what to do for the best.
Thank you in advance if you got to the end.

Hi OP you do need to leave your husband but I'm sorry I don't believe the other man about his marriage and his wife. Also when you told him you had had enough and were leaving he didn't encourage you he did the opposite and told you to get counselling. He's not the happy ever after your looking for so please do not upend your life for this man either.

I have some vision of you walking away from your kids for this guy because let's face it your DH isn't gonna let you put them on a plane and leave the country is he. If you do that it will be biggest regret of your life, please don't.

By all means leave your husband sell the buisness and have a clean break but this new guy isn't your happily ever after in my opinion.

Beelips · 17/06/2024 17:16

It sounds tough. I agree with others; this other man is just a symptom of your unhappiness (unresolved emotional needs) with your DH. He is not the solution. I would recommend leaving your DH as your relationship is clearly very unhealthy (and abusive), and investing in therapy to explore themes like self-esteem/self-worth (co-dependency?) and relationship and attachment patterns. All the best.

Original poster
beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 19:26

kkloo · 17/06/2024 16:27

I also forgot to mention my husband cheated on me 2 years after we got married and our kids were the product of that

What do you mean? The affair partner is the mother?

Sorry, no I'd always wanted a family and to take him back I wanted to have kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 19:27

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your responses so far, I am reading them and taking in a lot of what you are saying.
It's my time now, with my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
beeasywithme · 17/06/2024 19:28

TerrifiedandWorried · 17/06/2024 16:29

You need to learn to be an adult on your own. How much older than you is your husband?

5 years

OP posts:
positivewings · 17/06/2024 19:47

You new what he was like but you went on to have kids with him.
You spent years knowing thing are not getting better but still wanted marriage.
All the crap hes done plus cheating you still married him
When you got what you wanted marriage you want someone else.
The other man is most likely telling you what you want to hear as hes getting a boost a kick out of it knowing he could have you when he wants and liking the fact another woman wants him.
Hes not gonna leave his wife and i bet he still shares a bed with her.
What a mess you sound like a bunch of first time teenage lovers.