Married but in love with someone else

[beeasywithme]

Please don't judge me for this, I am after some genuine advice before I ask for professional counselling help.
This is quite long so bear with me.

I've been with my husband coming up 28 years. We've been together since I was 18, he's just a few years older. We have two wonderful children of 13 and 8.

When we got together, he was everything I wanted - a little older, good job, money, just buying a house, looked after me, had great friends, we had great sex, and I did everything I could to make him love me and not see me as this 'child'. I had a great job too, and used to hanging around people I always had to pay for, so for me this was the opposite and it was great.
We had a happy life for 3 years and we went abroad to work together.

While there we met some amazing friends, but I never thought I he wanted me there.

Like this was something HE wanted to do.

He'd never mentioned getting married or anything, certainly didn't want kids at this stage, we were living a good life, but something always niggled.
I got a lot of attention when I was younger - blonde hair, slim, happy, bubbly, wanted to be everyone's friend type of person, wanted everyone to like me.
When I got male attention, even if it was just harmless flirting, my now-husband hated it. We argued a lot.

One guy we met became one of our best friends out there and I began to feel something for him that I shouldn't have. He never clicked, and neither did my now-husband, but it was definitely there.
He used to visit me on my days off but I never said a word despite me desperate for him to make a move.
Fast forward 6 months and we lost our jobs and had to come home. I was devastated especially as the other guy I had very strong feelings for didn't come back to the UK, he bounced to another country and still there to this day.
He met someone, got married and also has a couple of kids similar age to mine.

Facebook didn't exist - my now-husband and him would email etc but we eventually lost touch. I was gutted but there was nothing I could do. I got on with life but still marriage wasn't mentioned.
I never stopped thinking about the other guy, but I got over him to a point and carried on with my life.

At 6 years other things happened in life that my husband had always wanted us to do sexually (won't go into that), which I did. He always joked that he'd marry me if I did it, so I did. No proposal.

We got to 8 years in our relationship and still no proposal, not even a whiff.
I had a business and one of my customers who was a bit older (like an older brother older) asked me why I wasn't married yet?
I explained I wanted to be and it never happened etc, and he asked me if I was going to wait, or did I think maybe it had run its course and start again. This wasn't a come on, this was a genuine question and it got me thinking.

Things happened and long story short, someone started texting me of which I responded to but told him I'd never cheat, I wasn't like that and I certainly would never do anything sexually without my now-husband.
Unfortunately my now-husband saw one of the texts and hit the roof (rightly so, but didn't believe that I hadn't done anything.)

We stayed together and 2 months on lo and behold he proposed.
He saw it as a wake up call. If he didn't marry me, someone else would woo me away.

We've been happy, very happy, but we have never stopped arguing - I thought this was just part of a relationship, sometimes it has been physical. No bruises or black eyes or beating or anything, but the odd thump, smack into a wall etc.

But I always thought of the guy abroad and what might have been. I never ever told him how I felt and life went on. By now FB obviously was invented and I kept an eye on what was going on with our friend and his family. He was happy so I was happy.

Recently we reconnected. It was my husbands idea to go and see him and I thought this may be great for closure. It wasn't.
I've come back and I'm in such a bad place.
He's taken my heart again and I am head over heels. I mean head over heels.
So much so I've really struggled to eat, sleep, or think about anything else.
So much so I rang him a couple of weeks ago and told him.
He lives a long flight away but I just couldn't hold it any longer, I had to tell him. You live once right?

Turns out through various texts over the last few weeks he's not been together with his wife for 5 years - live in the same house but not bed. He's not happy, but together for other reasons I won't mention, and the kids.

After another argument the other night, my husband said he wanted a divorce. I didn't argue. The following morning it was like nothing had happened but I wasn't having it.
I told the other guy I had had enough. He suggested I speak to someone, have some sort of counselling, get some advice before I walked. He's been truly lovely through all this and it's the first time I've actually let it all out. Not just my feelings for him, but also how I feel at home. I lost all of my friends when we got together and I've always felt a bit alone, but I'm terrified of BEING on my own.

I also forgot to mention my husband cheated on me 2 years after we got married and our kids were the product of that. I regret it deeply, not our kids, but I should have walked, but he's loved me and looked after me ever since (bar the arguments).
I couldn't be bothered to start again, but he has always treaded on eggshells.
We have two of the most beautiful kids, and I don't want them to hate me if I walk, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life with thinking what if?

We're all still young enough (40s) so start again and be happy, but I'm very aware it may destroy what we have as a family unit and what I've worked so hard to build.
I'm terrified of how I feel for this other guy, but I'm also terrified if I don't do anything about it and when the kids leave home we end up splitting anyway. It will also break me if the other guy moved on. He has told me he's there for me any time to vent etc.
He feels very deeply for me, and says if I'm going to leave it should be for me, and not for him which is very sensible.

I love my husband, of course I do, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him. I'm tired of arguing, I'm tired of not doing anything for me, but also very aware we have 2 children to think about. We also have a successful business together which would be tough to sort, but doable.

I just don't know what to do for the best.
Thank you in advance if you got to the end.

As others have said the first thing you need to do is make plans to leave your abusive husband. You do seem to be minimising/downplaying the abuse. I assume he wouldn’t leave the home if you ended the marriage…?

The other man is telling you he won’t be there for you by saying don’t do it for him do it for you.

I know it’s scary being alone, but you will find a weight has been lifted from your shoulders by no longer living with this abusive man.

You need to leave your husband.

The other guy is not going to get into a relationship with you. However, you should still leave your abusive husband.

Stop saying ‘thump’ when you mean hit.

So he says... you don't know how he's treating her as well.

Sorry op I've just seen that you said you witnessed her behaviour . But just wondering how he is when they are alone or not holiday with a random couple she's never met before, are you being overly critical because you want him for yourself ? I'm assuming she's never met you guys before the holiday?

I think you're only wanting to leave your husband IF you have a guarantee with the abroad man. But there are no guarantees, a) that he'd leave his family and commit to you and b) even if he did that you'd be happy together, you've put him up on such a high pedestal. You're just fantasizing now. Also he loves abroad- how could that work, your husband won't let you fly off there with your kids.

It's not normal to have physical aggression in arguments and it's not good for your children to grow up around that.

You do need therapy the other man is right there.

Ps it feels scary to be single when you've been with this man since you were 18 - a women's aid charity might help you find a way to leave him

First things first, OP, therapy. Get some support. Do NOT do therapy with your husband- abusers use therapy to manipulate their partners.
get yourself clear. Not for another man who may very well be a mirage, but for you and for your kids.
that he mentioned the divorce can set you free. He said it - don’t let it go.

take time, and heal. I say this because you might not be seeing the red flags that exist in the other guy yet- we repeat our patterns if we don’t do some work and heal.

You need to get over your fear of being alone because you NEED to be alone, with the children, to grow and learn

Your posts are very childlike and I think you need time to mature

Definitely leave husband

The other man isn't interested in you. Thats really obvious

Stop fixating on him because nothing is going to happen between you

You need therapy to help you grow up.

Spend time on you and with your children. They need you

You're in your 40's now. It's important to remember that

The other guy isn't interested in you at all. I don't know why you aren't seeing that, are you really that obsessed with him? He's enjoying a little bit of flattery so playing along to hear you sing his praises, but he's literally spelt it out to you. Do not leave your husband for me. He's adding the "do it for you" to make it sound less blunt. He has zero intention of being with you.

Your posts honestly read like you are still 18. It's all so drama llama. Take yourself out of a relationship where you were married as a last resort and only have kids as the result of an affair apology. Oh and he thumps you.

You are young enough to have a life still. Don't let your one shot on this earth be with this person.

THIS with bells on. ^^

Having told the other man how you feel about him his response was to say he was (only) there for you to vent too. To me that sounds like that is all he has to offer and he is telling you he doesn’t return your feelings

Have you read more into it than that?

Also, the invitation for the visit was an email to your husband so they still have a friendship. That makes it a bit more likely that your husband will find out that you two have been texting especially if the friend decides to come clean to show he hasn’t been encouraging your feelings and loyalty to his friend.

From what you’ve said that would create an utter shit storm for you. I think you’ve been putting yourself in a very risky situation for a man who is offering you next to nothing.

Let’s put the other man to the side for now.

The facts you’re presenting are:

• He forced/coerced you to do some sexual acts that he knew you didn’t want to do, with the promise of engagement if you did them. The acts were done, but the engagement didn’t happen.
• He had cheated on you.
• He had pushed you into walls, etc. This is domestic violence and you’re normalising or minimising it for some reason. I’ve had some pretty heated arguments with my DH, but never once has he so much as laid a finger on me.
• He threatens divorce.

You can see what you’ve written, right OP? You can see how bad and toxic this relationship is.

Sort yourself and your kids out first. Don’t intertwine this other bloke. If it happens down the line, fair enough, but the main concern at the moment is getting you and your kids out.

I did it. I told him last night I don't love him anymore.
We're working on what to do next.

We have friends here for the weekend, and I told the wife everything last night and then spoke to my husband.
The thumps, the texts to the OM etc.

It was nice to have a real person to talk to.
She was beaten by her ex, really beaten, so she was shocked.
I think it gave me the courage to tell him as they are here.

And I'm sorry if my posts sound child like. I haven't been able to post properly due to him being around. I am far from a child and caught up in a situation I didn't want to be in.

I haven't been drip feeding, I've posted as much as I can.

I think the OM just made me realise that there are other people out there.
I KNOW we can't be together, but the fact I feel something for someone else after so long just amplified the problems at home.

You don't really feel something for someone else, though. What you feel is more about an escape route and not being on your own than being in love with someone you don't even know properly. It's a fantasy. You need to give up on the fantasy of the other man and concentrate all of your effort on getting out of this abusive marriage safely and looking after your children.