Lying cheating husband

[Tiredofabuse]

NC

Gosh I don’t know where to start. I’m on Mat leave, have 3 small children. Our marriage has always been quite rocky. Some really good patches but husband has anxiety and depression which he sometimes takes meds for but sometimes goes cold turkey for unknown reasons. He won’t talk to me about MH at all as he says I use it against him. Recently I’ve started thinking he has Boarderline Personality Disorder but would be far too scared to mention it.
Hes a high earner despite WFH most days and sleeping at least half the day. I think he puts all his energy into being charming at work and then he’s awful at home.

In the last 6 months he’s become increasingly verbally abusive, secretive and then lately physically abusive.
I suspected an affair in March when I overheard a phonecall. He has been sleeping with someone on a work for a while and also creating fake work trips. I left the home last week with our children as a physically abusive outburst of his. He pushed and pulled me and threw me on a bed and put his hand over my mouth when I screamed. I went to family. I’ve come back as he said he would move out temporarily while we fixed our marriage/ he got help. I confronted him about the affair as I had sat on this discovery for a while. He lied repeatedly until after 20 mins of me saying ‘just say the truth’ that he finally admitted it.

He is wants a ‘second chance’ I’ve sort of agreed to see. My condition was that he moves out for a bit to give me space. In reality I just want space to get things together and make a plan. He was supposed to leave this weekend but he hung around the whole time crying in front of our children and generally feeling sorry for himself.

please pile on with LTBs. Iv started Why Does He Do That. And I plan to do freedome course if I can stay in one place for a bit. I’m conscious if he won’t leave the house I have no choice but to go to family and friends.

any advice welcome. Especially for my health, I’ve lost a stone this week and I’m already on the smaller side size 6-8. I’m not eating or sleeping and even my breastmilk has started to clear up. My face is hollow and grey and I basically looo like halloweeen. I think maybe I should go to my GP??

Can you see a solicitor about getting an occupation order? He is abusive.

you need him away from you and you need to regain physical strength first and foremost. Well done for making plans to leave. I promise it will be worth it.

Who owns the house?

Speak to the police about the physical assaults against you.
Contact womens aid for advice on a non molestation order and an occupation order.

Don't agree to get back with him, he's not going to leave and the kids are seeing violence. Call woman's aid go to a refuge and get a divorce get everything you can out of him whilst your at it.

He owns the house. Soley in his name. I’ve only ever paid bills and he made me sign a tenant form before we married and had children. I’m not on the deeds.
i did give some money towards home improvements a couple of years ago but no longer have that bank account or bank statements.

I didn’t want to get a non molestation order if possible as I wanted us to deal with this privately like grown ups. I didn’t want to get social services involved as I don’t want him to have his parenting affected eg only seeing his children supervised etc. he is so incredibly close to our son and I don’t want to ruin their relationship. Sounds so stupid written down.

I can go and stay with family for a little bit but they get sick of my children after a couple of days and it’s so cooped up. My mum has a house she rents out and has said she could serve rhe tenant 3 months notice. I feel that I’m really making things serious and bad if I do that. I don’t know why I’ve lost my confidence. It sounds so stupid if you knew me before all this this is not like me at all. I think it’s because I have a baby I’m just pushing all the energy in him right now. I’m surviving

Are you married?
what have you signed and is it legal?

think of yourself and the kids here not him. So what if it’s supervised. So what if you get an order out on him

this is on him not you.

If you are married to him then that tenancy agreements will be void, surely.

Could your mum help you out financially in terms of getting somewhere to rent for the meantime?

Speak to solicitor, did he own the house before you met him or did he buy it during relationship?

It’s REALLY important you report the abuse to the police, esp for down the road and legal issues you will come up against. I didn’t and it left me in a very weak position

Also, he will still have access, unsupervised, to the kids. It’s really shocking but even convicted abusers do, so don’t worry about that

I very much doubt that the tenancy agreement your signed would be valid in a court of law, if you're legally married.

You need to speak to a solicitor as soon as you can about that.

There were red flags from the beginning with this man. Once your get out of danger, I suggest you seek counselling and explore why you chose to ignore the warning signs, so that you can protect yourself and your kids

I would seek legal advice on where you stand within regards to the home as you are married, I would call the police and report all of the incidents soo it's on file, I would also speak to the solicitors and start a divorce procedure. I would not allow him anywhere near the kids while he is abusive and hurting you infront of them until a contact order is made with supervised visits for now, I would also consult with women's aid. You need to get yourself out the house as he won't remove himself soo he can't do anymore damage too you and the children. Yes he may have a strong close bond with your son but he's left you no choice but to do all this, yes you protect your kids but your kids need you soo you also need to protect yourself from this disgusting creature! If your parents are allowing you too move into their rented home then do it.

Please report the abuse to the police, it is important they have it logged. Also as a pp said, speak to Women's Aid for advice and support.
Move out and stay with your Mum, you need some proper meals to keep your strength up for the baby's sake and your own. I would take up your Mum's offer of the rented house. You say you dont want to think things are that bad and serious, but they absolutely are, your partner is a vile bully, verbally and physically abusive and a cheat as well. You really do need to take steps protect yourself and your children.
So sorry you are going through this, it sounds dreadful.

You're married. The house is half yours. Don't worry about that. It's vitally important that you report abuse to the police. I'd strongly suggest seeing a solicitor as a matter of urgency. Perhaps also contact Women's Aid so that they can help you navigate this. Good luck

You need a good solicitor to register your matrimonial interest over the property. And to get the divorce rolling. Better to rip the band aid off.

I want to but I’m struggling to. Please can you let me know why it’s so important I log it with police. What’s the difference if I have or haven’t when we get divorced?

I know it’s on me that I ignored earlier smaller incidences. It’s not an excuse but I do really feel when I read someone mention boiled frog that because it happened so gradually it didn’t seem as obvious

I’ve had 30 mins free with a local small solicitors. But I don’t know what counts as a good one, how do you pick one? I’ve been trying to see on mumsnet some info on that

You must go and get proper legal advice I would think if you're married you are entitled to at least half of everything despite what you have signed. Do what you need to do to play along and make it as bearable as you can while you get all the information you need. Sounds like a gp visit would be a good idea bless you. Try and eat even if it's little and often. He is a horrible abusive man and you are doing the right thing getting away from him. Make him stay away as long as you can 🌷💐🌷

You really need to log it with the police. I was told that had they known my ex was abusive, the response when they were called to my address would have been different. You are now at very high risk of him escalating, especially if he has already put his hand over your mouth.

As the victim of abuse, you will also qualify for Legal Aid.

Don't become another statistic, report him and get help dealing with him.

Log it with the police.

And if he won't leave you need to.

He will escalate.

Nothing you do will ruin his relationship with his son, but staying here will 100% ruin your son. I'm sorry OP I know I'm being blunt but if you leave your children in this situation they will end up victims themselves or perpetrators when they become adults. Do this for your kids I know it's hard, I know it's scary but you can do this and you don't need to stay with family the refuge will place you somewhere

No, thank you. That’s really helpful

susanstiffelman.com/narcissist-free-webinar-replay/

This is a good webinar for coparenting with narcissist

Updates: so I spoke to women’s aid, local DA team and I have an IVDA. I have a solicitor now. I’m staying with family but wishing I was back in my lovely home. Sometimes I think I miss him but I think it’s my life I miss, my son’s nursery, my local friends, the park near us, our lovely house.

I still feel completely torn and sometimes like I should have just stayed and found a way to make our lives better and him less angry.

I know I’ve had tons of great advice but any further posts from others are so helpful. I know I need to give my head a wobble