Lying cheating husband

[Tiredofabuse]

NC

Gosh I don’t know where to start. I’m on Mat leave, have 3 small children. Our marriage has always been quite rocky. Some really good patches but husband has anxiety and depression which he sometimes takes meds for but sometimes goes cold turkey for unknown reasons. He won’t talk to me about MH at all as he says I use it against him. Recently I’ve started thinking he has Boarderline Personality Disorder but would be far too scared to mention it.
Hes a high earner despite WFH most days and sleeping at least half the day. I think he puts all his energy into being charming at work and then he’s awful at home.

In the last 6 months he’s become increasingly verbally abusive, secretive and then lately physically abusive.
I suspected an affair in March when I overheard a phonecall. He has been sleeping with someone on a work for a while and also creating fake work trips. I left the home last week with our children as a physically abusive outburst of his. He pushed and pulled me and threw me on a bed and put his hand over my mouth when I screamed. I went to family. I’ve come back as he said he would move out temporarily while we fixed our marriage/ he got help. I confronted him about the affair as I had sat on this discovery for a while. He lied repeatedly until after 20 mins of me saying ‘just say the truth’ that he finally admitted it.

He is wants a ‘second chance’ I’ve sort of agreed to see. My condition was that he moves out for a bit to give me space. In reality I just want space to get things together and make a plan. He was supposed to leave this weekend but he hung around the whole time crying in front of our children and generally feeling sorry for himself.

please pile on with LTBs. Iv started Why Does He Do That. And I plan to do freedome course if I can stay in one place for a bit. I’m conscious if he won’t leave the house I have no choice but to go to family and friends.

any advice welcome. Especially for my health, I’ve lost a stone this week and I’m already on the smaller side size 6-8. I’m not eating or sleeping and even my breastmilk has started to clear up. My face is hollow and grey and I basically looo like halloweeen. I think maybe I should go to my GP??

Well done OP, Stay strong
What you miss is what you imagined and wanted your relationship/ family life would be.
He was never able to give you that. What he gave you was lies, abuse and betrayal- you dont miss that .

Well done, keep going. And keep in the front of your mind, when you feel like you've ruined everything and made everything bad, all that you have done is said No, Enough.

That's all. Enough physical and emotional abuse, no to being married to someone who is having sex with another woman, no to raising your chilren around all of this.

His mental health is not his fault, but it is his responsibility, don't let him gaslight you and lie to you any longer. Log everything, keep going, take all the advice and support you can. This is the hard bit, it will get better.

You’re missing the life you had and wanted and it’s like a bereavement. All normal feelings to have

but think of the future of not having to deal with him like before and grey rock him

my go to was
noted
thats nice dear.

as he’ll be in contact no doubt thinking you’ll go back after your little spat. Most abusers are like that sadly

plus learn to grey rock him

I feel you OP - I had an amazing place in a dream location. Now in a town and house I pretty much hate, but I know it’s worth it and will hopefully work my way back up to what I want but in a far happier situation.

Your ex is a massive manipulator.

The crying.
Knowing you knew of him cheating yet not coming out with it, because he was hoping he could manipulate the truth in order to manage you further, changing your reality of him for his own benefit.
Making you sign a document for HIS benefit.

You are married. He knows what you are entitled to and that is the only reason he wants you back. That is to protect his assets, his reputation, and manage what you say about him to others. If you go back, which you may consider if he manages to grind you down, love bomb you, and display the side of him he knows you fell in love with, which btw is a lie, its a made up persona.

NO ONE, who is decent, will pin you down on a bed, hold his hands over your mouth and torment you in such a way you feel unsafe.

This relationship will never feel safe to you again. Think about that. And your son, will also never feel entirely safe either, that ship has sailed.

What you do now, is take one hour at a time, if you managed to create a lovely home with such a man, imagine the home you can create with safety.

PS no question is a silly question when it comes to your solicitor, they have heard it all so write everything you want to know down.
Plus, your previous bank will have your banking history, you just have to request it.

Best of luck with the solicitor and going forward.

Thank you so much for replying, your words and pp have been so encouraging

Please contact the police and report the physical attack. And a lawyer to ask about getting him banned from the marital home as at the moment he can come and go as he pleases.

The cheating is nothing in comparison to him
Abusing you although it's quite common that cheating is the bit that makes us realise that it's not right.

Be kind to yourself xx

Sorry to hear about your situation it sounds so difficult OP. What makes you think he has borderline personality disorder out of interest? His behaviour in general? Having poor mental health is NOT am excuse for any of these behaviours.

thank you. I thought it because he’s always had such changeable moods, hour to hour he can be so so low and can’t get out of bed and then dancing around in the afternoon. He has red mist uncontrollable rage which he then regrets later.
He has these days he feels empty and numb.
He has fallen out with his parents lots and even called the police on his mum. He has had bad experiences at work and been called out on bad behaviour.
He love bombed be to start with and now I’m being discarded as I’ve seen all his sides and he wants to seem perfect to someone new.

Hes been a heavy drinker most of the time I’ve known him. Reckless spending - bought a Rolex. Dabbles in drugs to help him feel better. Now this affair and reckless sex. He’s clearly unhappy inside and trying to self soothe.

I know it sounds crazy mumsnettwea but I miss him so much. My brain has tricked me into remembering some good times and I just want that feeling bad. I’m feeling so low right now. Yesterday I felt suicidal. I’ve spoken to my GP and got anti Depressants but I just can’t see when my life is going to get better

You can do the Freedom Programme online: best of good wishes. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I wish I hadn’t left now. It’s awful. I miss my old life

It’s ok to miss your old life, your lovely home and the connections you had made in the neighbourhood. It’s hard to be out of your comfort zone for so long. Also , remember that when your home is not secure, it’s virtually impossible to enjoy anything else. Your brain is 100% preoccupied with securing a home. Maslov’s hierarchy of needs.)
You are doing a great job in getting away from your abuser and protecting yourself and your children from your abuser. That’s important OP, it is the most important. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not right.
Keep going, you might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there, waiting for you.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Of course you miss aspects of your former life—it would be strange if you didn’t. Has your mum given a date on when her rental home will be free to move into? A date to look forward to?

Are you actually missing your husband, or just the house/life/community/school? If you are actually missing your husband, I would still advise moving into your mum’s rental while he works on himself, to include therapy for his drinking, mental health, compulsive spending, sexual infidelities, and physical abuse. He needs to accept 100% accountability for the above in order to repair the marriage. He needs to do whatever the therapist tells him to do. You get to set the ground rules regarding your “rules” to repair the damage from the infidelity (eg, moving job away from the OW, 100% access to his phone/messages, etc). He must agree to meet all of your rules for rebuilding. If he refuses to do any of the points above, reconciliation will never work. This is a BIG hill to climb, and if this is what you want, it needs to happen while you’re living separately.

I hope you are ok OP x

How are you doing OP?

I hope you havent gone back... it takes a long time to break trauma bond. I'm 18 months in and counting but finally starting to feel better

You absolutely and utterly need the full force of the law behind you.

Police, solicitor and non-molestation order. Start by making a list of what happened and when (approximately). Think of any evidence you can get and people you may have spoken to about your marriage in the past. If your husband goes for residency of the children, you will need everything you can get.

This isn't a nice bloke. You need a safe and calm future for yourself and your children so you need to strike very hard right now.

I know it might not come naturally to you and that you probably want it all to calm down. That's how it was for me. Unfortunately, you can't fanny about at this stage.

Just read your update. You need an occupation order too. What sort of man makes his 3 small children live outside of their home instead of moving out himself?

Hopefully you have seen a GP by now. That will be more evidence.

I hope you’re ok OP. He sounds like a covert narc