Would this bother you?

[Bemyclementine]

If you were in a new relationship, few months. Everything really good. You mention you've been messaging with a man who you "know" through an online group, an activity type thing. Have interacted with him (abd others) on the group. Man is married, children. Has suggested meeting up for said activity, possibly with others.

Mention this in passing. All OK. Then, this man you're seeing tells you he's been worried/anxious/overthinking it. History of being cheated on. Doesn't blame you, isn't shitty with you, but is communicating how it's made him feel. Doesn't ask you to stop messaging or meet up, acknowledged its his problem that he needs to work through

Is this just good communication?? Or a problem?

I really don’t see how it’s a problem being honest with you, he’s communicating how he feels. He’s owned it and knows it’s something he needs to work on, he’s not asked you to stop messaging the guy or not to meet up with him. I think he’s handled the situation really well personally.

It's just one of those things to be mindful of. It's great he is communicating and being honest.

It sounds like he knows that it is his responsibility to manage his mental state about this one. As long as it stays that way and he doesn't make his problem your problem.

For now it sounds like he is just thinking out loud to you, which is okay but if it starts to feel like he's making it your responsibility to help him with this then that's when I would see it as not okay.

Just keep an eye on it but perhaps nothing to worry about.

Thank you. Yes, I did start by thinking it's better to talk about it than not. My worry (from my past experiences) is it leading to either him expecting me to not do certain things, or being moody etc about it if I do. Again, nothing he's done has suggested that.

It's a bit of a red flag really, his feelings are his to manage, not yours and even telling you about it has potential to be manipulative - what does he think you're going to do with that information? What's the point in telling you? If he struggles that much with jealousy then he should be in therapy and not a relationship

It's possible it's a slippery slope to making you feel bad for messaging a male friend and then asking you not to see him anymore

im sure you wouldn’t have a problem with him messaging other women. Why don’t you suggest it?

SunflowerTed · Today 21:43
im sure you wouldn’t have a problem with him messaging other women. Why don’t you suggest it?

MushroomStamp

“Not sure what this means. Bumping for more opinions.......”

I think it means SunflowerTed is as insecure as OP’s new man.

He does have female friends who he messages. As I have male friends. The "problem" here was that it was a new friend I think though he can't really explain it, it sounds like its got into hus head and he's gone off on all sorts of tangents.

Is it better to keep these things to yourself? Or talk it through? If you keep them to yourself they can fester.i don't know, just looking for opinions and it's interesting to see some differing ones.

I would be watching how he deals with it. Notcing if there is any passagg behaviour if you keep in contact with this friend or any attempts to control the amount of contact you have.

Talking about it can be good. But it has the potential to escalate into a red flag.

Talking is generally seen as a positive thing.

However, I have seen people on here say many times that a new opposite sex friend (in a heterosexual relationship) is a red flag. Pre existing friends are fine, but a new one isn't. Although, it's generally because a woman posts with the same concerns as your partner about a new female friend.

I've read many posts over the years from women whose husband's have a new online friend, running partner, woman they chat to whilst walking the dog, colleague etc and they are all told, without exception that, whilst it's fine to have opposite sex friends, a new friend can be problematic and is often how affairs start. Especially when there is a lot of messaging. It can create a false sense of intimacy when you don't know a person irl and your friendship is based on messaging.

So, I don't think it's insecure or a red flag that he has raised this with you at all. He is aware that this poses a potential (even if not am actual current) threat to your relationship and he is doing what many women on here are advised to do all the time - talking about it with you.

I think two things need to happen.

1. you are honest with yourself about the nature of your new friendship. You just just enjoy chatting? Do you have a frisson of excitement when you receive a message from the friend? Are you messaging this friend when you should reasonably be spending time focused on your primary relationship? Eg there was a thread recently where a woman's husband was messaging a new female friend late in the evening when most people are spending time with their partners most people agreed this encroached onto 'couple time' and ensured they were on each other's minds last thing at night before bed etc.

2. let him talk. If he starts to exert control or it extends to other things, other friends, other people, you going out etc. That is more problematic. But talking about feelings, Inc less palatable ones, is how you build trust and emotional intimacy with someone. It's far better than it festering.

Essentially, you need to be honest with yourself and with him. You are both responsible for emotionally protecting your relationship and ensuring that other people don't threaten it. As you are both entitled to whatever friendships you choose to have.

@GreyCarpet Great Post thank you. And you're right, I've seen the sort of posts you talk about.

There's no excitement from my side whatsoever, but your post has made me realise that I don't know how the new friend feels about things (despite him being the married one, sbd for many years ) I'm as sure as I can be that he sees it as just friendship too.

How long has your new relationship been in existence? Are you exclusive?

I'd be wary in case your new relationship tries to stop you having friends.
My ex did that with me & it wasn't good. 😕

About 6 months, yes exclusive. My ex also did that so I'm wary of it happening again.

You are right to be wary.
Imo very few men are ok with their other halves having friendships with other men.

I don't know if I'm being naive. I've been on my own a long time, and haven't had to consider someone else's feelings. I'm finding it really difficult to balance my thoughts.

Is it ok to back off from this friendship because I don't want to upset my new partner? Or is that a red flag? I dont want to upset him. And obviously he is far far more important to me than this new friendship. That said, I have plenty of friends already. There has (so far) been no issues with me seeing/speaking to any of them.

Hes said he's not going to tell me what I can/can't do, it's up to me to make my own mind up. This actually bothered me more than if he'd said he was bothered if I continued to see/speak to this friend.

And to add, the friend really means nothing to me at all. It won't bother me to back off from it. So is it all a fuss about nothing?

@Bemyclementine
Just because he says "...he's not going to tell me what I can/can't do, it's up to me to make my own mind up." don't confuse/equate that as meaning he isn't "bothered if I continued to see/speak to this friend".

He just concludes that he is not going to outright tell you what to do (as he is not a controlling person).
Equally, it's likely that how you choose to respect/assure him now he has communicated his feelings and made himself vulnerable to you will serve to inform him upon whether you are compatible or good for each other long term.

@SpideyVerse thank you. My concern is, that I think he would be bothered. And I really, genuinely don't want to upset/worry him. But I'm fighting against doing what I did a LOT of in my marriage, which resulted in me having no friends and rarely seeing my family.

My ex didn't tell me what I could/couldn't do either. It was very apparent from his reactions and behaviour.

Weirdly, to me, him saying that does make it sound a bit controlling. A bit manipulative somehow? I don't know. 😕

I think you should do what YOU want - his reaction will be telling.

My ex also had extreme reactions when I did stuff he disagreed with. He was a bloody nightmare!

@HelloHen yes, that's a bit how I feel. It feels like a test tbh.

The messages/meet up I can take or leave though. If I was single I'd do it. But I'm not....

Then you have your answer. 🙂

Hi. I made the mistake of stopping seeing male friends when I first met my husband as he didn’t like the fact that I was friends with them, something I still regret. I would be very wary, if he’s being like this after you’ve only known him for a few months, it could very easily escalate. I would agree that it sounds controlling . I think it would make me feel very uneasy tbh, and I’d probably be backing off even after this short time.