Would this bother you?

[Bemyclementine]

If you were in a new relationship, few months. Everything really good. You mention you've been messaging with a man who you "know" through an online group, an activity type thing. Have interacted with him (abd others) on the group. Man is married, children. Has suggested meeting up for said activity, possibly with others.

Mention this in passing. All OK. Then, this man you're seeing tells you he's been worried/anxious/overthinking it. History of being cheated on. Doesn't blame you, isn't shitty with you, but is communicating how it's made him feel. Doesn't ask you to stop messaging or meet up, acknowledged its his problem that he needs to work through

Is this just good communication?? Or a problem?

Sorry, can’t sleep, and does the new relationship see, or meet up with his female friends when you’re not with him, and are you supposed to be ok with that ?

@Bemyclementine

Hes said he's not going to tell me what I can/can't do, it's up to me to make my own mind up.

This actually bothered me more than if he'd said he was bothered if I continued to see/speak to this friend

as it should, because he wants YOU to 'do the right thing' so he doesn't look like the bad guy!

it's manipulative. You're already falling into old patterns of being manipulated into who you can/can't be friends with.

fuck that. If you look carefully it won't be the only time he's done this.

I can hand on heart say this is the first time anything like this has come up.

@Starlightgazing no he's no, and he doesn't think I should be OK with it. He doesn't want to do something that he wouldn't be ok with me doing.

Such a mixed bag. Friends I have spoken to have mostly said it's OK, good open conversation. Only one has said otherwise . I think it IS good to have the conversation. Better than stewing on it. And people can't help how they feel. It's how to proceed that I'm struggling with.

@Bemyclementine Morning. I usually find that friends offer advice depending on how they would react, I’m an old bird, and have experienced most things, and I would say that the relationship is only very new, but previous experience has taught you what to look for with regards to manipulation and toxic, controlling relationships ( even if they don’t seem that way on the surface), as you don’t want to go through that sort of thing again. If you’re already questioning if you should stop the new friendship from the activity group, then I think you know that this is a red flag, and not a healthy thing to be considering.
From experience, as for proceeding, I would not stop the new friendship, I would meet up for said activity whether it be with the new friend on their own, or in a group, if I wanted to. As a previous reply stated, do what YOU want to do. If the new relationship has a problem with that, then that’s their problem, not yours. You are entitled to your own life, and friends outside the new relationship. It’s not for the new relationship to hint, or gently manipulate you into who you can or can’t speak to, or meet or be friends with.
You might make other new, male friends long the way, and is your new relationship going to have problem with all of them? If they do, then I would question if it’s the right relationship for me to be in now, rather than later.

Thank you @Starlightgazing that's a great reply. I dont think many of the people I've spoken to have grasped the level of problems I had with this with my exh. Honestly, this feels very different, but the comment about ne making my own mind up really set me off. More conversations to be had I think.

@Bemyclementine Morning. More conversations is a good thing, as long as you don’t ignore any gut feelings that may arise. I believe you stated that they had a history of being cheated on, could this subtle behaviour be a reason for this? Have they been like this with previous partners, and thats why the partners cheated? May I ask, when are you seeing them again, as I think a conversation had sooner rather than later is better. If they get rattled, or insist too much that it’s still your choice and that in turn makes you feel bad, I would see that as another red flag, please be careful, as I think you could fall into previous behaviour quite quickly.

I don't know the reasons for the previous cheating. I'm with him this weekend but also with others so not easy for a conversation .

I will certainly be careful, and honestly think I may have swung too far the other way in terms of tolerance if this sort of bullshit.

I've had a number of male friends over the years and from my side, there was no interest or attraction. They were friends and that was it. However, it turned out that they felt differently and believed that if they were friends with me then at some point it would turn into more. I'm not saying this happens to everyone and that mutual friendship between the sexes isn't possible, but this is my experience. The OP could chat with her new friend to establish boundaries.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him mentioning it. He's said that is his problem to solve, not yours, which is good.

But then you're trying to work out how to solve it anyway @Bemyclementine . Stop it. Keep seeing your friend. If you stop seeing him then you're giving your boyfriend a signal that you'll do whatever makes him happy, no matter how it affects you.

Communications works for nothing if the issue is not solved.
He had said it, OK. Is he going to address it? Is he going to turn his insecurities up side down and blame you for them?
He already have acknowledge he is being over thinking, what is the sharing about? I think is his way to tell you you should be doing things his way to keep him happy.
I may be old and grumpy but I think he is starting to put conditions to your living.
Because now he has say it, it is not his problem anymore, it is yours.

Just watch out - I had an ex who started off like this and ended up guilt-tripping me to the point where I lost contact with male friends and didn’t go to various social events because men he was (irrationally) jealous of were there!!

I look back and have no idea what I was thinking

@Bemyclementine I don’t think you CAN swing too far away in regards to that sort of bullshit. You’ve had enough of it in your time to not want ANY at all in any further relationships, which is totally understandable. As your previous experience with your ex was so bad, and I’m assuming soul destroying, do you really want to go there again? Any further relationships should not have even the slightest hint of anything like this for you to be comfortable, and proceed further with the relationship. You are already concerned. Do you have children, would they want to see you bending to someone else to please them, while you sink down as you did previously? It will send a clear message to them that THEY should not settle for this kind of controlling behaviour, should they encounter it, heaven forbid, as they navigate life, and I think how they see you in your future relationships will possibly set out how they may be in theirs.( sorry if I’m intruding, I don’t know your family dynamic, please forgive me if I’ve spoken out of turn). There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, and you don’t want to become a victim to this sort of behaviour again. It may not appear to be a big issue now, but could easily escalate and become the norm, and then you will find yourself in familiar territory, and you deserve way more than that.
It seems to me, that this has really sparked a concern in you, your tolerance for this is zero, as it should be, so maybe you already know how to proceed. Again, apologies if I’ve spoken out of turn. So much of this behaviour goes on, and it’s not noticed until way down the line. Catching it this early gives you a chance to protect yourself now, rather than regretting it later on when it’s harder to walk away.

@Epidote you make a very good point, he now seems OK that he's got it off his chest abd our conversation reassured him. But I'm the one still thinking about it and wondering what to do. It is now my problem, as you say.

@Starlightgazing no offence whatsoever, I'm grateful fir honest balanced advice. DC haven't been introduced, but the reason I'm not with their dad is I didn't want them thinking his behaviour was normal . This does feel very different, I guess time will tell.

I'm not going to fall for this sort of behaviour again. You're right about not noticing it til further down the line, I didn't with my ex. But I'm high alert for it now

@Bemyclementine Hi, and I hope you managed to enjoy your weekend.
It will feel different as he is a new relationship that you don’t really know yet. Not all men dish out this kind of behaviour the same, some are quite obvious, others are more subtle, as this one seems to be, and in my experience, they are the ones that escalate over time.
You say that his mind is at rest, that’s fab, but yours still isn’t by a long way. I think you are wise not to introduce your dc yet, as you are not sure about this relationship, and quite rightly so. Please don’t stop seeing your friends, especially any new ones that come along, go out with them, without the new relationship, as you should be able to do without fear of a mood, or a hard time, or worse, and please don’t think you have to check in with him when you are doing things with other people. You mentioned previously that you are not used to thinking about other peoples feelings, so may I assume you’ve not dated for a while? Please don’t be too hard on yourself if eventually this first one in a long time doesn’t work out, as you will be protecting yourself and setting high standards for any further relationships. I think you will have to date several people, and just enjoy going out on dates until you meet that special one. He may be nice, and you may get along well, but with this very early red flag, and it’s exactly the red flag that you want to avoid, it wouldn’t be enough for me to stay, and to be honest , if I’d not dated for a while, there is no way that I would take my first relationship too seriously as there are many more men out there. I think, if I’m being blunt, ( forgive me), and if it was me, due to how new this relationship is, and what you’ve been through previously, your determination to avoid that behaviour again ( although, worryingly, you’ve already considered dropping a new friend), and that fact that he has cleverly made this YOUR problem by offloading it onto you, I would notch this one down to experience and walk away. I don’t mean to be harsh, but you stated that you had zero tolerance for this bullshit, and had swung too far the other way to put up with any more. You deserve so much more than this after what you’ve been through.xx

Hmmm, that's rather clever what he's done, making it your problem, isn't it? 🤔

What's your new relationship's dating history - has he been married/had long term relationships? I'm just thinking, surely he's had this happen before & gotten over it (or not), or does he usually target women he can mould & manipulate?