I feel so guilty that my children have had such different lives

[Peterrabbitletsgo]

I realise guilt is not a helpful emotion and I also know that any damage (if there is any) is not irreparable as my children are so young but when I think back to when my little boy was a baby I just feel such overwhelming sadness. He was born in 2020, so the lockdowns affected everything. As a result I ended up having a failed induction where I was alone on the ward for most of it followed by an emergency section. Probably due to exhaustion, after I had him I vomited and fainted. I came round a couple of hours later and DH was holding him and had given him his first feed (I really, really wanted to breastfeed and it took me a while to forgive DH for that.)

The early days with him were awful. Failed attempts to breastfeed, no sleep, probably nothing unique but I just remember sitting up in the lounge at 3am on a cold winter night crying. He had reflux quite badly and I think that was the cause of a lot of problems we had but the witching hours had to be seen to be believed and were quite panic inducing (I’m surprised 111 didn’t block me!) The nights were awful but the days were worse, these long endless days where going for a walk with the pram through a grey muddy park was the highlight of the day. DH working from home and just endless loud phone calls and DS didn’t nap well so no time to just breathe … it was horrible.

Things did slowly improve as they do, and things slowly opened up, but I had to go to work in September when he was just 8 months as I’d been offered a new job. It was full time too so DS was in full time nursery from that point. I only got a few weeks of baby classes and swimming and lovely things like that. And I know not everybody likes them but it was a really nice bonding time for us and I felt real sadness for a long time about that.

We moved house the following year and actually briefly went into rented before our ‘forever’ home (puke I know.) so he had two house moves then a nursery move when he was about 19 months. I requested and got part time work then so that reduced nursery days to 3 days a week but then found out I was pregnant again. The pregnancy sort of dominated the year especially as I lumbered into the third trimester and could barely walk.

I had DD in midsummer last year and the differences just make me want to cry.

DS was born on a cold, dark, wet winter night after pain and exhaustion and confusion and fear. DD was born on a bright afternoon in midsummer. It was an ELCS and it was beautiful. I know that’s such a trite term but I remember EVERYTHING - talking to the surgeon and the ODPs and DH telling me it was a girl and then her being put on me . It was just lovely. Breastfeeding still a pain but I was more pragmatic this time and was disappointed but decided to express milk for her instead and went down this route for the first six months so that feeling of regret and sadness wasn’t there. No reflux - she slept like a dream, she didn’t have wild witching hours, she pretty much slept constantly for the first six weeks or so.

And only now she’s 11 months am I going back to work and for three days and it struck me my children have had different lives. DD will live in one house and go to one nursery part time and has done so much with me and her brother - he has had two house moves, a nursery move, was in nursery full time from such a young age.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn’t matter but it matters to me.

Doesn’t sound like guilt to me, sounds like extreme sadness 😔 I’m sorry you went through such a tough time.

You are over thinking this, he won't remember.

Forget the past and have a happy future with your family 💐

Also sorry you went through such a tough time but your children won’t even know this- all they know is someone who loves them is there for them. I know it’s so hard but try to just focus on the day to day brightness that they bring.

Your son will not remember any of this. I didn't go to nursery, my younger sister did, neither of us have any memories of that time either positive or negative.
Kindly you need to let this go, it is affecting you more than your child.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I honestly think you'd benefit from counselling.

Hopefully through that you'll realise that none of it matters and your ds doesn't care or even remember it.

You have two beautiful children, concentrate on the life they have going forward, not on stuff that means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Your DS is well loved and he will not remember any of this. I think you need to see your GP and ask for some mental health support, because you should be proud of what you’ve achieved to get your family into the best place you can be, not sad that your daughter was born into an easier situation.

I think you’re tormenting yourself unnecessarily, and continually comparing your children’s early days is likely to be actually damaging to them, if you keeping pitying and feeling guilty about one, and feeling relaxed and happy about the first few months of the other. Flip it around. Your son got your total attention, your daughter never did because she had an older sibling. The sadness about breastfeeding I absolutely get (my milk never came in, despite months of trying to develop a supply, and it took my years to get past it), but that’s your feeling, and nothing to do with either child.

I think that might be the most fruitful way to approach it — acknowledge that these feelings are yours, not any indication of the quality of life either child has had. Therapy would help you unpick them.

My youngest doesn't remember our first house at all and we moved out when she was 3yo. I promise you he won't have any idea.

What's more likely is you spend your life trying to make up for this perceived unfairness and treat them differently. You've got to stop tying yourself in knots.

You need to move on and not let this drag on and affect your son .. just be positive and move on from it all is my advice

choose to be happy

I think there is a lot to unpack there, and I’m sorry you feel bad about this when it is so clearly unnecessary.

Two things stuck out for me (a) their births being different. They don’t remember their births so any feelings they have will come directly from you. You have placed a ‘value’ on the weather and your labour experience. Why should your child believe that these are things which have an impact on either their worth as people or on the parent-child bond?
The other things is moving house. Again you have placed a black mark against your son’s childhood that he moved twice, at an age he cannot remember. I lived in one house my whole childhood but my kids (teenagers now) have lived in six different addresses so far, and see it as positive. To be assigning value to this is like saying wearing a size 6 shoe is better than wearing a size 5.

So in short, this will only impact your kids if you tell them it should. Otherwise it will just be a fact like your shoe size, or the colour of car you drive.

Feel sad for yourself but not for your DS. And feel happy everything is so much better now, for all of you!

All that matters now is that your DS is loved and safe x

I understand your feelings of guilt. Dd1 had a warm house, all the attention. Dd2 was born after we moved into a house that was freezing cold, draughty. The rain came out the guttering and came through onto her bedroom wall. Dd1 had a massive mould patch behind her wardrobe which we only found when we moved (freshly painted over when we moved in...) Dh was also struggling with awful work related stress and eventually left his job, he struggled to bond with dd2 and because of money she didn't have all the lovely days out and treats. I was stressed and shouty.

But I have to move on from the guilt. They are now happy and safe and loved. And they were at the time as well. Nothing was perfect but we were doing our best and everything was for them. If you can afford it I would suggest counselling to work through some of the things that are troubling you.

And covid was awful, you are absolutely not alone in finding that hard

None of this will make a difference to your kids at all. So your son is a winter baby who had a couple of planned house moves and a lot of walks wrapped up in his pram in a safe country with his loving parents before the glorious summer when his baby sister arrived? Doesn't sound too bad, does it? How many babies have reflux? Loads.

Keep doing your best for them and please try to find some perspective. It sounds as though things are pretty good apart from maybe a bit of residual PND/ depression. Have you tried counselling? Could help you find a way past this.

Fine if you feel a bit out of sorts yourself, there are ways to treat that, but try not to spiral and convince yourself your kids have somehow been badly done to when they sound absolutely fine. Not fair on you and all the hard work you've put in

FWIW my big brother is a winter baby and I was born in spring/summer. He's certainly not miserable about it! He's a very outdoorsy and all weathers kind of guy.

Your kids won’t remember or care. My eldest went in to full time nursery, my youngest I only worked 3 days. My eldest had a house move and a very stressed first time mother. My youngest had a chilled mum. They are 8 and 10 now and obviously don’t remember a thing from their babyhoods.

Except actually my eldest does remember a bit about getting to come along to the baby and toddler groups when the littlest was young and I only worked 3 days. She remembers me being there to take her to school on her first day and pick her up. She remembers the assemblies and school performances I can go to. The sports days. The important things that matter to them that working part time enables me to do.
Your kids will remember those little things that matter more than what happened in their first year of life

All that mattered to ds as a baby was that he felt loved, secure and had his needs met. It's an amazing base and your dc will thrive if you carry on loving and caring for them.

You went through what you thought was the hard time, not your children. They won't remember any of it.

Do you feel differently about them OP? If you do I'm not surprised but you can work on that successfully, I've seen people do it.

If you don't feel differently he will never know about the differences unless you go on about them, so I would find an outlet for that sadness that is not everybody around you. Maybe you are doing that here? I think it's very very common for the experience of having the first child and its early days to be extremely difficult compared to the second. Often though the first is heralded with such fanfare that the child itself is not affected (even if the parents are traumatised by it).

My DS (almost 4 months) it's like your DS was. I'm glad there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's not my fault - and you had no fault either. It's just life.

None of this will make any difference at all to them and to their chances life long.
They are loved and cared for.
Early nursery time can be a great thing and helps kids to socialise and learn playing and sharing
I FF both of mine.

Thank you. Some of these responses are very helpful.

@readingismycardio you have my profound sympathy!

Do I feel differently about them now? Yes and no. One of my ‘guilt’ feelings is that my feelings towards DS changed when I had DD. He was jealous and would try to pinch her and hit her, which with the benefit of hindsight I can see was totally normal but at the time it had me panicked and I felt this awful ‘rejection’ of DS in my head. I’ve read around this and apparently that too is normal: many mothers struggle with a second child and either feel strong guilt to the older one and ‘don’t bond with the second or they feel as I do and feel overwhelmingly protective towards the baby and the toddler feels huge and threatening. I struggled with this for a while. And suddenly it went as soon as it had arrived. Ds was just my beloved DS again (who sometimes drives me nuts.)

Things like time of the year and moving house are by the by but what I’ve tried to explain (probably badly) is that metaphorically and literally DS’s first experiences were dark and cold, away from his mother, having fucking Covid tests forced up his nose, disruption from nursery to home and moved house and moved nursery. If it had been the case of - oh we moved house a couple of times or my DS was born in winter I wouldn’t be posting.

They may not remember but I think we all know that they don’t have to; children removed from abusive situations before twelve months can still show signs of trauma so I’m not sure that’s specially comforting. But it’s true I need to move on.

You can't beat yourself up with what it's! Trust me, I know.my first pregnancy (not planned I was 18) I went to all the antenatal classes, fully prepared,oh yeah. Left lateral breach ,big baby for my 6.5st frame, booked, planned, CS. High BP, hospitalised. Went into labour, emergency CS at 10 pm. Staff panicking,no surgeon available. I was so frightened. Whole thing was horrendous. Kept asking where my baby was,kept being fobbed off,was convinced she had died. Treatment was so bad,my GP came in to see me and the staff,then they made my life hell! she was actually fine, they never told me, they keep C's babies in the nursery 48 hours, for mum to recover. It took 6 years before I could bring myself to even consider another pregnancy.

When I read your thread title I thought they were going to be much older or you had a huge twenty year age gap between them. They are still both really young and you are catastrophising this. The very start of their lives haven't been exactly the same...that's all. In the long run, kids don't care what their births were like or whether they were breastfed or not.

That comment is barely worth a reply but I will do so if only because it has annoyed me so.

any damage (if there is any) is not irreparable as my children are so young

So since you do appear to have not understood that, it means

There may not be any damage

If there is it is not likely to impact given they are so young.

Whose comment are you responding to?

If it's mine, the point about them being young, is that only a very small part of their life has differed. They still have a good decade plus of childhood left which will be much more similar.