I feel so guilty that my children have had such different lives

[Peterrabbitletsgo]

I realise guilt is not a helpful emotion and I also know that any damage (if there is any) is not irreparable as my children are so young but when I think back to when my little boy was a baby I just feel such overwhelming sadness. He was born in 2020, so the lockdowns affected everything. As a result I ended up having a failed induction where I was alone on the ward for most of it followed by an emergency section. Probably due to exhaustion, after I had him I vomited and fainted. I came round a couple of hours later and DH was holding him and had given him his first feed (I really, really wanted to breastfeed and it took me a while to forgive DH for that.)

The early days with him were awful. Failed attempts to breastfeed, no sleep, probably nothing unique but I just remember sitting up in the lounge at 3am on a cold winter night crying. He had reflux quite badly and I think that was the cause of a lot of problems we had but the witching hours had to be seen to be believed and were quite panic inducing (I’m surprised 111 didn’t block me!) The nights were awful but the days were worse, these long endless days where going for a walk with the pram through a grey muddy park was the highlight of the day. DH working from home and just endless loud phone calls and DS didn’t nap well so no time to just breathe … it was horrible.

Things did slowly improve as they do, and things slowly opened up, but I had to go to work in September when he was just 8 months as I’d been offered a new job. It was full time too so DS was in full time nursery from that point. I only got a few weeks of baby classes and swimming and lovely things like that. And I know not everybody likes them but it was a really nice bonding time for us and I felt real sadness for a long time about that.

We moved house the following year and actually briefly went into rented before our ‘forever’ home (puke I know.) so he had two house moves then a nursery move when he was about 19 months. I requested and got part time work then so that reduced nursery days to 3 days a week but then found out I was pregnant again. The pregnancy sort of dominated the year especially as I lumbered into the third trimester and could barely walk.

I had DD in midsummer last year and the differences just make me want to cry.

DS was born on a cold, dark, wet winter night after pain and exhaustion and confusion and fear. DD was born on a bright afternoon in midsummer. It was an ELCS and it was beautiful. I know that’s such a trite term but I remember EVERYTHING - talking to the surgeon and the ODPs and DH telling me it was a girl and then her being put on me . It was just lovely. Breastfeeding still a pain but I was more pragmatic this time and was disappointed but decided to express milk for her instead and went down this route for the first six months so that feeling of regret and sadness wasn’t there. No reflux - she slept like a dream, she didn’t have wild witching hours, she pretty much slept constantly for the first six weeks or so.

And only now she’s 11 months am I going back to work and for three days and it struck me my children have had different lives. DD will live in one house and go to one nursery part time and has done so much with me and her brother - he has had two house moves, a nursery move, was in nursery full time from such a young age.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn’t matter but it matters to me.

I am aware as you can see from my op.

I'm really struggling to see what damage you are talking about. Their births were different...so are many many siblings. The birth situations are upsetting you, not them. In the nicest possible way you need to deal with that rather than projecting onto them.

I know you are struggling. It isn’t helpful to appear on a thread where someone’s trying to share some very heartfelt and difficult feelings to be told ‘you are catastrophising’ especially when I’ve explicitly said there may be no damage at all and if there is it is unlikely to have a lasting impact. Your struggles are not my issue.

It wasn't covid. But I had a fucking horrendous birth with DS1 (failed induction, EMCS, vomiting after having him - turns out I can't have morphine which I didn't know until I'd had 3 doses of it!), PND, screaming refluxy velcro baby from hell and just a shitty mat leave with him. I went back to work full time when he was 7 months old. I was pregnant again when he was 19 months old and I basically felt like death for that entire pregnancy. I was also put at risk of redundancy and redeployed whilst on mat leave with DS2.

So I get it. My whole experience with DS2 was totally different. A lot of it was down to chance. But I believe my experiences second time around were so much more better, because I had learnt so many lessons with DS1. I actually knew what I was doing with a baby for a start! I had an ELCS because of what happened first time. I knew to refuse morphine! I knew the signs of reflux and could get the right solutions for DS2 straight away instead of being fobbed off for ages like I was with DS1. I knew the signs of PND and asked for help straight away instead of trying to keep going. Having DS1 home with is while I was on mat leave with DS2 was perfect because we did loads of toddler groups etc together. I also went back to work in the new job part time after having DS2. Both DS1 and DS2 both benefited from having me home more. But I was the parent I was with DS2 because I had been the parent I was with DS1.

The good thing is neither of them remember much/if any of it all now. They're 11 and 9 now. I do feel sad when I think of the dark days of DS1's newborn stage. But we have had so many more wonderful memories since that time! We've also been through so many ups and downs as a family since then. Everything is just a phase and everything will pass eventually.

OP your children both have had 2 loving parents in a stable relationship who have put them first for their entire short lives. That’s pretty much all that matters and all that your kids will remember.

No siblings lives are exactly the same. Having a sibling changes so much for a start. My birth stories are similar to yours, and I did feel a little guilty about it too, but all you can do is your best with what you have at the time. My DC are 8 and 6 now and they remember very little of their early days or covid.

I honestly have no idea what you're on about or why you have taken my comments in the way that you have.

There will be huge benefit to your son from this second maternity leave and the fact that you can spend more with him with a part time job (I say this as someone who feels awfully guilty working full time with young kids).

Mine had a similar story to you op.

Ds - born early 2019, cesarean for breech, cmpa, severe reflux. He vomited 15-20 times a day, every day, down to the bile, until he was about 9 months old. Serious milk and then food aversion means he was v underweight until about 4. He's 5 now, still limited diet, still wakes for milk at night... I had 2 weeks of being confident to take him out to playgroup and believing him unlikely to vomit before covid started closing everything. He also started nursery at 5 months old (due to my work). I was feeling very bad thoughts about myself and still take sertraline today.

Dd - born early 2022, vbac with shoulder dystocia. She knew how to breastfeed, has never been sick other than the odd d&v. Healthy as a horse, great sleeper. Open world for her early months although we did mainly stay home and snuggle/feed/read with the weekly playgroup, although she did start full time nursery at 7 months.

I feel a bit sad for my ds still, mainly due to his continued food/sleep struggles. But he is a happy chap, he doesn't know what he missed. He's absolutely thriving at school, and just started swimming lessons which he loves. Dd on the other hand is living her best life, extremely happy child - but like pp have said, she has never ever had me to herself. My whole experience with her has been very healing though.

They won't remember when they were so small. Your ds will just be starting to store real long term memories now. Focus on giving them the best of you, the happiest life, going forwards, whatever that looks like. Nothing that happened has any blame to it, it's just one of those things that's beyond control.

@Feelinglikeamoan you’re absolutely right although he does get sidelined a lot because the baby does need so much. So that’s hard and I feel bad!

Thanks @ProjectEdensGate . Im so glad you had a better experience second time around.

@Caterina99 true. But my instincts are to try my very best for both and I feel sad one got my best and one didn’t.

Ah thanks @Blessedbethefruitz . I hope your DS issues resolve themselves.

💯 Water under the bridge, do not overthink the past. Plough 100% of your energy into the bright future. They are so young and will not remember a thing. My earliest memories are from 5.5-6 years old! Anything that happened before, I have no clue.

I think you have to remember that DS's babyhood felt awful to you because you were aware of the weather and the covid situation and how hard it was, but from his point of view you were always there for him and that's what matters. Children that are abused or neglected would have a very different experience, not like the one your ds had at all. They would not have someone there holding them and loving them through everything.

You say this matters to you but who does it help by holding onto it. Holding onto things you had no control over or couldn't change. Does it help you? Help him? Help your daughter? It's time to let it go OP and enjoy now.

@Peterrabbitletsgo - I've had a similar journey to yours with my firstborn having moved countries/several rental homes/intense nursery time and frazzled parents working full time in a new country. My younger one has had a lovely childhood - never lived in a flat - only lived in 2 beautiful homes both owned by us - easy nursery years, me working part time and mostly from home. It feels unfair and makes me sad too but I realise it's my feelings not theirs. They only know what they lived through and by all measures had a happy upbringing in their own way.

I've stopped comparing now knowing that they will each have their own needs, experiences and what they will need from us parents. Can't ever be the same.

I would say live in the moment - you are in a happy place now.

Ah I had a similar experience the colic was exhausting for 6 months, no sleep, limited baby classes as she just cried, wouldn't lie in the pram so couldn't get out walking, the emergency c section recovery was hard, the third trimester i spent weeks in hospital by myself, honestly it's taken me ages to recover. Mum turns up to tell me she's leaving my dad a week post c section and going away for a couple of months with another man. Nothing went like I thought it would. My daughter is 5 and doesn't remember anything so don't worry about DS, think you just need to put it down to experience and move on.

Your kid had a loving parents. The moves and nursery are neither here nor there. Being born in a cold wet day vs a sunny one? Do you remember your birth? No.
My son was an easy baby. Spelt well ate well and was cheerful.
My daughter spent first four days after birth in NICU. She had bad reflux and I swear she did not smile for ages. Cried a lot.
They are 19 and 20 now. Did that different start affect them? No it did not.