I'm so lonely

[Fred92]

I'm a 31 year old guy. I live on my own and work on my own. I feel so lonely, I don't have any proper friends. I use meetup.com sometimes but I don't feel I'm compatible with the people there, all they do is group conversations which I'm no good at. I have tried going to pubs but I'm just the guy sat in the corner awkwardly, invisible to everyone, I'm ignored by everyone there.

I can't remember the last time I had a proper, long, deep conversation with someone over a coffee , probably 4 years ago. I feel like I need this for my mental health.

I'd love to go for a coffee with a Woman because I prefer the company of Women but I don't know how to make this happen. I have tried online dating but nobody will talk to me. I need to talk to Women more, a lot more, not necessarily in a dating kind of way, It's not right to only talk to men, but Women also. Wherever I go it only seems to be Men around. I don't know where all the Women are??

I'm very angry and frustrated because I should be married with children by now like everyone else. But I've never had a Girlfriend.

What can I do?

Thanks.

Maybe join a group? Or enrol in a night course at college? Voluntary work?

Your USP is you OP. You need to learn to be happy in yourself first and then you will attract the right people.

Pause looking for a woman for now and focus on enjoying new or existing hobbies, exercise and find one you love.
If you feel happy, confident and relaxed, that’s when new friends and possibly relationships will start to spark.

Be yourself and own it. Good luck

People will pick up on the fact that you only want to talk to them because they're female (I feel I need to point out that men want to talk to women solely because they're female A LOT, and it can become exhausting or unpredictable).

Better to talk to a small group of people that you actually share an interest or views with. What do you enjoy? What would get you animated in conversation?

@Mybusyday I have tried looking at courses and voluntary work and stuff like that but I haven't found anything yet. I have tried meetup groups and things but I don't get on with it very well.

All you can really do is broaden your horizons with work, travel etc the more people you meet the more chance you have of connecting with someone.

Note though that the world doesn't owe you and neither do women. You may meet someone or you may not.

@GatherYePearls I like loads of stuff, cinema, playing pool, pubs, clubs, board games.

It's hard to explain what I mean about wanting to talk to Women.
It's not because I'm 'after them' it's just frustrating that I don't get to talk to Women very often. It's not that there is a problem with men either but you need Women too.

I think you need to seriously consider finding a job where you have to go into the office/factory/ wherever and have colleagues you see every day. I work from home and I'm single and it's awful for my mental health, I get terribly lonely, I know I can't do it forever. If you don't work from home but are just doing something where you don't see anyone is there some way you could change this.

Exercise. Join a cross fit or yoga studio.

I know what you mean I don't talk to men very often and I can get nervous on dates due to this

@floppybit I think I do need to change jobs or change something about my life because things are not working out. I'm a gardener and I can't think of anything else that I would be good at. If I worked in shop or something that might be the other extreme where I find all the social stuff exhausting if I'm talking to people for 8 hours a day. I guesse I don't know unless I try.

Have you ever done anything other than gardening? Do you have any qualifications? Do you live in the countryside/city?

Maybe join a gym class or book club? Is there a Good Gym in your area? What are your hobbies?

Just curious what you do for a job? I would love to find a role where I can work alone 😅

Edit: sorry just seen you're a gardener! I couldn't do that, I have irrational fear of bugs

You need to join social groups. With your professional expertise, you might well be popular in a gardening club. Or volunteer through a relevant charity.

Look for evening classes and activities that are more popular among women. If it’s something you haven’t tried before, give it a go, but obviously no need to continue if you really don’t enjoy it.

Dance classes are a great way of mixing — choose one where you’re not expected to bring your own partner. There are always more women than men.
Singing is another activity that attracts more women, and if you don’t have a good enough voice to join a community choir, people have lots of fun at the Tuneless Choir, which has branches all over the country.

Remember that women are there to enjoy themselves or learn a new skill, not necessarily to meet men, so don’t act as if they’re there for your use. Just be friendly but not pushy. Best of luck!

Some gardening or environmental organisations that may welcome your help. A great way of making new friends.

Thrive.org.uk
farmgarden.org.uk
rhs.org.uk
woodlandtrust.org.uk
friendsoftheearth.uk

Personally I’d love to date a gardener so I’m sure you’re someone’s catch!

you need to go to classes or such where you can just chat to people over a shared interest, with no strings attached (ie do not talk to a woman focused on whether she wants to date you or not)

some things where people will likely talk to each other:

• small ceramics classes
• small cooking classes
• board game nights
• birdwatching walks, hiking groups and other things like that

things like yoga and such won’t be any good for people chatting

Go to the gym? Or a coffee shop, cafe? I often go to cafe’s and coffee shops on my own with my youngest baby DS whilst I’m on maternity leave. Strangers always ask about the baby/how I am and we have a general chat. Put yourself out there a bit more, people are generally friendly and will take the time to talk to you. It sounds a lot like your lacking confidence Op. Loneliness is an awful feeling. Do you have any family who would come with you?

The best thing you can do is get out and do a lot of different things. Aim to be out as much as you can socially. Some things will work and others won’t. What are your interests? Don’t focus on finding women to talk to just go out and do stuff with other people. This will build your confidence and make you more interesting as a person. Forget about ‘finding love’ and focus on yourself. It’s like building muscles . When you are happy and confident and have things to talk about you will be more attractive to others.

It's hard to explain what I mean about wanting to talk to Women.

The way it's coming over to me is that you want a handy personal appliance who will show interest in you and stop you feeling alone and lonely.

You seem to want this experience tailored one to one to suit you and are not interested in building the kind of relationship where this emerges naturally.

Joining group walking, dancing or even gardening clubs is the obvious way to me, as others have suggested. What stops you doing something like that? Think of meeting people and showing interest in them would get you further than eating something special just for you

Hope you can see how that might work better.

but you don't get on with them. And struggle to explain what you do want.

OP I think you’ve articulated very well your feelings and what you’re looking for, which to me sounds like “friendship”.

My DH has also always got on better with women (as friends) but has also made contact with other men that share his vibe, so don’t discount men as friends completely.

You’ve taken the first step which is to admit you are lonely, I think this is brave and it shows you are ready to change things. I wouldn’t go to pubs! Find an activity (maybe a sport) that attracts both men and women that you might enjoy.

For example my brother in law was similar and got into tennis where he met his now wife. Years later he still plays just for fun and social contact. Cycling, running, certain martial arts, all have mixed groups.

Also, work on your self esteem and confidence.

Give things time, don’t expect a quick fix but please never give up! Your crowd are out there! I’m sending you lots of love, hope and luck!

You're a gardener, many communities have voluntary groups doing local gardening projects; I volunteer with one and have made good friends within it. Look at local community groups and get stuck in!

Have you tried Bumble BFF? It’s a mode on bumble for friendships rather than dating and you can ask pretty much anyone on there if they want to go for a coffee, they’ll likely say yes as that’s what they’re on there for too ☺️

I felt the same as you a few years back, totally agree that meet-up events weren’t great / conversation in a group setting isn’t conducive to developing actual connections with people, but you should feel proud of yourself for actually giving it a go! Loads and loads of people are lonely I think but just sit with their loneliness instead of trying to do stuff to address it.

Try stuff that is a bit more ‘low stakes’. Regular casual interactions can really help. Like chatting to someone at a bus stop or with the person serving you at the greengrocers or smiling at a stranger. It might be that you’re a bit avoidant and it’s easy to get into a negative spin where you stop making eye contact or don’t answer the doorbell. Honestly I think evening classes, meet ups can feel like a lot of pressure. Just start shopping locally, give people a smile, be present with people. I know it’s hard. Also, if you’re a gardener, could you get a second job part-time in a garden centre or similar, where you’ll be with others more. Good luck 😉

Dance classes especially where you dance in partners like Salsa/ceroc is great for meeting the opposite sex because they are primarily the ones you dance with. Plus there are usually more women than men at these events. It’s also really good exercise and fun and will give you a lift. I used to ceroc dance and most of the friends I made were men, some women too, but the men were the ones I interacted with more because of the nature of the dancing. There was always a group going to the pub afterwards too.