Met someone I *really* like but…

[Hintmint]

Earlier this year, I got chatting to a guy on a dating app. He wasn’t my type but I met him anyway - and my word, it was instant unreal attraction from my side. I wanted him immediately. The chemistry was insane. This never, ever happens to me. We went on a series of highly charged dates and we were just about to go on another date (to do the deed) before he pulled away suddenly - saying work had gotten crazy and he felt unwell and wasn’t the time for a relationship. I was annoyed and confused, but let it go. We reconnected a few weeks later and he said he was feeling much better, though he had a serious health issue to deal with. We went on a few more dates and started sleeping together. Of course it was amazing. But I sensed he was holding back, I asked him about it, and he said he didnt want too much expectation. Then we stopped talking. 6 weeks later, we reconnect again and his health issue has become worse, but is treatable. He seems to be in good spirits. He apologised profusely about drifting apart and he said ‘who knows what will happen.’ I saw him, but didn’t sleep with him. He wants to see me again. I’m not sure how to feel - I want him badly - But I just expect him to disappear again. I know everyone is going to say just forget about him, and I know they’re right, but it’s so tough because I like him very much. Any advice?

to add: he’s definitely not married and isn’t dating anyone else.

I’m guessing that if he really felt the same, he wouldn’t be doing a disappearing act on a regular basis. He might well be dating someone you are unaware of or perhaps he wants to be dating someone else and doesn’t want you in the way to cramp his style.

You know moving on and not wasting more time on him is the right action. Don’t hang around and get your heart broken by him first.

He's basically told you not to expect much from him. Don't slip into sleeping with him again - this will hurt you. Look him in the eye and tell him you don't want to spend your time and energy on a lukewarm man. Tell him you're too into him to accept this. You want to be with someone who's mad about you. If he's actually able and willing to step up to the plate, he should do so then. If he still wavers, you can strike him off the list and spare yourself future pain.

Sounds like you're more into him than he is with you.

He only seems to appear when he hasn't gotten his leg over in a while.

By all means keep seeing him but explain that because he keeps disappearing on you you want to go slow. Sex is off the cards for a while. If he's decent he'll respect that. If he disappears again then you have your answer.

Oh dear. Be very careful Op. This man is telling it like it is, for him. The lukewarm on off situation probably won’t change. Has he recently ended a major relationship or marriage? Is he needing comfort without any commitment or compromise on his part? He’s showing you who he is and what to expect.

Personally, I think he’ll probably keep running away the closer you get.

I would just add, be clear that by "go slow" you mean exclusively. Some men will take that to mean "continue playing the field while stringing you along slowly".

Would you be up for juat shaggjng him? He obviously doesn't want a relationship but maybe he'll be up for that. Ask him if that's what you want.

Why are you happy to take crumbs? He isn’t being consistent and it’s making your nervous system feel like it’s on a roller coaster.

Put aside the sexual chemistry and look at what this man can actually give you now instead of what you hope can come off this.

Can he offer consistency, commitment, give you emotional support, can you be vulnerable with him?

You don’t really know if this guy is seeing anyone else you can only go off what he says BUT you can go off how he behaves and for the entire ‘relationship’ he has picked you up and put you down again. He might be single but completely avoidant so when he feels close to someone runs off. That’s not something you can sort out. OR you might be a massive ego boost to him when he is feeling lonely.

That chemistry that you feel is a mother fucker and can make you ignore red flags.

So far he has basically told you to not expect much.

Keeps bailing

And you now fear he is going to leave you again

For your own sanity walk away.

He doesn't want a relationship so it's whether you want to enjoy the sex from time to time.

Cut your losses in terms of expecting more. Sometimes timing just isn't on your side, sometimes a great initial connection goes nowhere.

Let him get on with sorting out his health issues. It’s too early for you to get involved and he’s not in the right frame of mind for a relationship. Or he’s actually married already.

Nailed it, you deserve full commitment

He's just not that into you. That's all.

I'd start being a bit distant in return and if he really wants more contact with you, he'll start pursuing. But just be careful- he needs to be more open if it's going to work

"I know everyone is going to say just forget about him, and I know they’re right, but it’s so tough because I like him very much. Any advice?"

He's playing the push-pull game with you. He's not as into you as you are him. It's normal to like someone more than they like you. It's normal to feel upset and hurt when you realise that. It's healthy to recognise this and walk away.

All the bollocks about being busy then a health condition is just a ruse to tug at your heart strings and keep you on the backburner when he fancies a shag. What will his next drop out reason be? How long will you tolerate that before you realise he's just toying with you and decide you're worth more than that?

He’s not that into you and doesn’t want a relationship (with you). So it’s whether you can enjoy a bit of no string sex without getting hurt! I wouldn’t, it rarely works out.

Part of me wants to ask for more details about his work and health. But in reality, any excuses at all just mean “I don’t want to see you that much.” If someone did want to see you, very little could keep them away.

Grow up and smell the roses

Get turned off by his behaviour, sooner the better, eventually you'll feel mad if he keeps letting you down. If he felt the same he wouldn't drift in and out of your life, I reckon he just wants something casual and seeing someone else too.

He has no health issue. He likes having you as a booty call.

God can you really be bothered? What's so insanely attractive about being messed around by some bloke you barely know with worsening health issues that may or may not be real? And if real, they appear to stop him seeing you but not from popping up for a shag when he feels like it

Just throw this one back and move on

There is no "health issue." He's keeping you on his string for easy sex when it suits him. Unless you accept being jerked around repeatedly and forever, move on from this man.

He is going to keep behaving this way because he knows you will let him. It sounds like intense attraction for you. He may be feeling confused by your feelings and not feeling the same. Time to walk away. The attraction may be there but it doesn’t sound emotionally that he is in the same place as you with health issues.

not an excuse but he has cancer.

He may like you - but maybe he doesn't have the headspace to deal with a relationship whilst undergoing cancer treatment. Understandable.
It's up to you to decide whether a casual thing is ok or whether you need to move on to find someone who is looking for more commitment.

It’s sad for him, OP, if he has cancer. I imagine he’s going through a very tough time. You don’t know him that well to take on a supportive role so soon, I imagine. These should be extra joyful times at the beginning of a relationship. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s a shitty situation.