Met someone I *really* like but…

[Hintmint]

Earlier this year, I got chatting to a guy on a dating app. He wasn’t my type but I met him anyway - and my word, it was instant unreal attraction from my side. I wanted him immediately. The chemistry was insane. This never, ever happens to me. We went on a series of highly charged dates and we were just about to go on another date (to do the deed) before he pulled away suddenly - saying work had gotten crazy and he felt unwell and wasn’t the time for a relationship. I was annoyed and confused, but let it go. We reconnected a few weeks later and he said he was feeling much better, though he had a serious health issue to deal with. We went on a few more dates and started sleeping together. Of course it was amazing. But I sensed he was holding back, I asked him about it, and he said he didnt want too much expectation. Then we stopped talking. 6 weeks later, we reconnect again and his health issue has become worse, but is treatable. He seems to be in good spirits. He apologised profusely about drifting apart and he said ‘who knows what will happen.’ I saw him, but didn’t sleep with him. He wants to see me again. I’m not sure how to feel - I want him badly - But I just expect him to disappear again. I know everyone is going to say just forget about him, and I know they’re right, but it’s so tough because I like him very much. Any advice?

I'm maybe very naive, but feels weird that almost nobody has mentioned the illness like it could be a real thing!?

If you are sure he has cancer, then that is a very big, reasonable reason to be hot/cold/take breaks and not be sure whether to commit. And he has never ghosted, as far as I can tell, and is plainly saying he can't be completely 'in' right now. I don't know that we can assume he's not simply a guy in a very tough situation,?

In which case the question OP, is do you care enough about him to ax put up with the off and on, b) potentially become his carer c) open yourself up to potential grief/loss etc, all for a brand new relationship?

I think it would be more sensible to suggest just friendly while he is sick- no pressure, he can focus on his health without feeling he's letting someone down. see how much he keeps in touch and mirror that, and just say you won't be waiting, but are definitely open to taking it further after his recovery if you are both still feeling it...?

As far as drip feeds go that's pretty spectacular

It's sad he's got cancer, was he diagnosed after you met? I couldn't imagine why he would try and meet someone while he was going through this. Perhaps being just friends for the time being.

This might sound awful but I’ve met some compulsive liars in my life. Do you know this is actually true. My mil said she had bowl cancer and she didn’t.

I also was also dating someone who ghosted me for a month and said he had been in hospital very poorly - he hadn’t as he slipped up a few weeks after.

If he had got cancer OP I’d still give this a wide birth. This could be very gruelling and it’s not really fair on him to use you as a support when you barely know him. Be his friend if he needs it and you want to be but this is not a good time to start a relationship with him

It wasn’t a drip feed. She mentioned the serious heath issue in her first two posts. She just didn’t use the word ´cancer’.

It's not really a drip feed. OP mentioned his serious health condition in her first post but most posters automatically jumped to the assumption he was lying.

Probably doesn't change the advice though. A man who's battling cancer isn't going to be able to give you reliability. Ups and downs are part and parcel of what he's going through. Up to you whether you like him enough to outweigh all that, but it's not going to change while his treatment is ongoing.

Ah in that case he's really not in the head space to concentrate on a new relationship.

I have just finished undergoing radiotherapy myself. probably a completely different type of cancer etc but for me, the distraction and company may be nice whilst together but the uncertainty and worry would drown it out whilst not. It is totally uncharted experience so he wouldn't have any idea how he will feel in a week's time. Plus there's so much admin, so many appointments, treatments take their toll etc and you wouldn't want to lean too hard emotionally on someone new. It's been hard to maintain new friendships never mind something romantic.

Look, positives are it's definitely not personal. You've done nothing wrong. He isn't married or a player it's just awful timing.

This will sound harsh and you probably didn't want to be outing in your first post. However if you're using language like 'no excuse but he has cancer' then I don't think you're as connected as you reckon. It absolutely js a reason for not being engaged in a new relationship. Doesn't sound like he's ghosted, he's just withdrawn. I don't know what type it is, but cancer is often a very destabilising diagnosis. Your OP is all about him letting you down and blowing hot and cold and doesn't really show much understanding of how this will actually be affecting him.

I would probably take this on the chin, wish him well and move on or offer friendship rather than wait around his peripheries because he can't offer what you want and I don't think you fully understand why as you're not close enough.

The only advice I can give is:

when a guy says he doesn’t want a committed relationship, believe him.

he doesn’t want it. He’s told you. You’re giving him what he DOES want, which is occasional sex. He’s using you for sex

stop chasing him. I’ve been in your position many times and someone once said to me ‘you know when you have guys chasing/texting you that you’re not interested in and you get that urghhhh not him again feeling?’ That’s how the guy feels when you’re chasing him and he doesn’t want anything serious with you. __Made me totally change my perspective

The game will change for you when you start feeling totally unattracted to men who waste your time and toy with your emotions.

This is the dance you will do with him until you stop it. It’s up to you how long you feel you can continue doing it. The longer it goes on, the more it will probably hurt when it ends. Either way, just know that you won’t get anything more from him.

He doesn't know what is happening with his own life - literally, whether he will live or die. It's now treatable but this is a new life of medical intervention and sickness. He's not in a place where he's ready to take a relationship on. Either be ready to put a pin in it (and wait for him to complete what he needs to do and process it himself) or walk away.

It is though, health condition could be anything- cancer is a life threatening condition with gruelling treatment. Look at every thread about the princess of wales - she shouldn't even be expected to step outside apparently because she has cancer but this guy is being slated for being inconsistent? Ffs

Don’t worry I’m not chasing at all
he got back in touch, he invited me over, tried to kiss me etc and wants to see me again
I didn’t let him kiss me or commit to seeing him again
just contemplating my next moves if any

These are going to be the terms. Personally, it’s a bit messy, there are no set boundaries though he doesn’t want commitment and that’s a pretty firm stance. You’re at risk of falling prey to ongoing guilt and sympathy locking you into something that really isn’t right or comfortable for you. It’s ok to throw this one back, cancer and all, and leave room for you to find a committed and fulfilling relationship with someone. I’ve known people with cancer who’ve started fulfilling, loving relationships during treatment. This isn’t what he wants. You can seek out what you need now that you know where you stand with him. It’s a bit shit, I know. But there it is. Cancer sucks. 💐

He's got cancer. With respect, you're not going to be top of his list of priorities right now.

Even if he's pretty much sure to survive, then he's still going to be worried about dying, worried about you getting close to him and then having to grieve him, worried about you two getting too close too quickly because you're sharing a traumatic experience together, worried that you'll end up looking after him when you barely know each other.

Every time he's backed away, it's because he's had bad news and had to re-evaluate his situation. If you want to keep seeing him, then do so, but accept that while he's ill it'll be on his terms.

If you can't do that, then end it now. There's nothing wrong with that.

Every time he's backed away, it's because he's had bad news and had to re-evaluate his situation. If you want to keep seeing him, then do so, but accept that while he's ill it'll be on his terms.

he doesn’t communicate this to me though

if this is what’s going on

and it’s not an excuse to come and go from someone’s life - it’s not fair

Goodness, his head will be all over the place

And there'll be so many things shifting and changing

It sounds to me like it would be best for both of you to end.

you said "health condition" but that might have been something a bit more easy to manage. This isn't so I'd let him go. I do think he hasn't messed you about deliberately.

No, I doubt he's finding having cancer particularly fair either.

You're making this all about you, when for him it's really not going to be at the moment. You don't seem like you've got the headspace for a relationship with someone with a life threatening illness, so I'd knock it on the head.

Yes, it is a reason. It's one most people would understand. You absolutely don't have to keep seeing him but it isn't exactly hard to understand.

The likelihood is that he doesn't have the capacity to manage a new personal relationship properly rather than particularly wanting to mess you around.

You are not a priority for him for very good reason. You'd do well to try and understand that and draw your boundaries or step away with good grace rather than conflating this with general bad dating behaviour.

What is it about 'this man has cancer so is not very available for dating or communicative' is hard for you to understand? What do you think is going on?

Are you aware that 'treatable' often does not mean 'curable'?

Yes I’m very aware through my own personal experience

He’s having no problem trying to get his leg over with me though is he

What’s going on? I think he’s using me for sex and support

So he's set you up to chase him.

Not good. I'd run

Good grief, huge drip feed - I wasn’t expecting you to say he has cancer! You made it sound like he was fobbing you off with vague unspecified health issues.

If you genuinely like him stick with it, but it sounds like no strings sex is off the cards really - he’s going through a tough time and it could all get complicated very quickly.

It’s a tough one because both your needs and emotions need protecting, plus a relationship might struggle to flourish in those circumstances. He could feel vulnerable / not want to be a burden etc, which could make it hard to establish an appropriate form of closeness. Not to mention if the future is even more uncertain than it usually is.

Only you can judge how he’s likely to behave and respond, what you’re able to give and put up with, and whether it could be worth it.